The way that we had been preached to before leaving Earth for the first time was In preparation of going on a wonderful but unforeseeable adventure. But in the speeches I delivered to myself, it was more a warning to prepare for the worst possible outcome. Not death, but lifelong isolation.
Who would have guessed that we would have found everything we had dreamed of and more! Atlantis was thriving. The discoveries our scientists brought me were phenomenal. McKay was even getting closer and closer to his coveted Nobel prize every day. And while the threat of hostile beings was always present, we had moved past the uncomfortable feeling that settled in. After all, everything we learned brought us closer to safety.
Some had even managed to find something that they never would have expected. This is more thanapparent not ten feet from me. From my favorite balcony I can see two outlined silhouettes of our people cuddled up together just inside, looking out over the vast ocean that's before us. They're lost in each other's attention. They can't see what's going ON around them. I don't blame them for being wrapped up entirely in each other.
To find something so sought after in this time, in this place, is a gift too great to price. I watch as the smaller figure leans in closer to her taller companion, and smile to myself. They seem so blissful, so content.
Peaceful.
I grin.
I know that feeling.
I close my eyes, letting the soft breaking of waves below me wash over my mind as I walk down the path of memories that they so sweetly and unknowingly trigger.
The wind has been so gentle, caressing me. It had been a long day. No tragedy had hit as of late. It was simply daily things that piled up and overflowed. I had been standing right were I am now. I'm not proud of it, but I had been jealous that evening. I had seen another couple laughing and chatting. It wasn't just a random pair the one I looked on recently. No that grace wasn't bestowed on me. It was the doctor that I had selected from Carson's short list. It was the doctor that should have been Simon.
I had stopped sulking over him shortly after our return to Atlantis. But seeing those two together had made something burst up from it's chains and rattle within me. It wasn't because of one of the people involved. I had been disturbed because although my crew had been allowed to expand their lives, I was trapped in solitude.
There was no rule or documentation of any kind preventing me from developing a personal life. So there shouldn't have been any problem. But there was. And that problem was John Sheppard; the wonder-boy himself. And, unfortunately, he was also only two steps below in the chain of command. John was kind of guy that every girl wanted to taste and every boy envied in high-school. Or, at least I assume.
Tough, smart-ass, sly, surprisingly caring, and choosing to go into the Air Force. For some, all of these things added together would brand him as a catch of a lifetime. He was exactly the kind of person I steered far away from. They were always too full of themselves. They were too unpredictable. It's easier to go with safe-bets. After all, curiosity killed the cat.
As much as I resisted, I couldn't help it. He had spun a web of stunning smirks and quirks, and I was flying dangerously close to it. I have to admit, I wouldn't mind being tangled up. But to be tossed out... Two falls in a few months isn't something I could take.
Who was I fooling by rejecting what I wanted? At the very best, it was an annoying distraction. Every briefing I heard less and less of what was actually being said by him. Every dispatch was getting harder to approve. Every medical alert had my skin crawling.
Carson, who was tending a minor wound of Teyla's after the head team had returned once, had been watching me out of the corner of his eye. When he saw me exhale as John returned through the gate, he had laughed. When I inquired as to the source of his amusement, he had simply told me that he was shocked I hadn't developed an ulcer yet. I had shot him my best 'what ever do you mean, sir?' look and found a more pressing task to take care of.
When seeking solace from the confusing set of emotions that had risen inside me from seeing the pair I found myself out here in my favorite spot. The salty tang that was so like Earth's was always calming. It surrounded me, keeping me calm. Just as I was about to loose myself, I heard that voice. It was his voice.
"You know, maybe you should put a no trespassing sign up here. It seems that you've adopted this spot for your own." I had turned to scan his face. I found nothing out of the ordinary in his expression.
"Maybe I should. But then you couldn't come disturb me. And what fun would that be on your part?" I had nudged possibly a little too deeply.
"I suppose it's a sacrifice I could make." He stepped up silently, closer to me. "Then again, I never could pay much attention to signs. Unless I could make them...er... more artistic?"
I just shook my head and leaned over the railing. If it were anyone else, this would have annoyed me. But his presence seemed to have the same effect on me as the waves.
"So." He said, mocking my position on the barrier between sky and platform. "Why DO you come out here so much?"
"My aunt Ginny." I said, half lost. From the small furrow between his dark brows, he apparently was more so than I. So, I continued. "She had a house on the coast of Maine. It wasn't anything overly special. It was in this little half-ghost town, but I loved it there." I smiled in remembrance. "Sometimes she'd wake me up at night and we'd walk down to the beach that was right behind the house. We'd skip across the sand- it used to bug her so badly, that it wasn't that fine kind you see in movies, it was always a little pebbly- and over to this little set of larger rocks at the other end. I had this one that kind of sloped downthat I'd curl up on."
As I continued reminiscing about the times my aunt and I had there, I felt him come closer. It was slightly frightening. The tightness that was starting to make it's way up my chest from my arms made me speak a bit faster.
"I miss her... She died a few years back. Man. I miss that beach more, though. Some of the best... and worst... times I ever had were heightened or calmed down by that place." Another shift in the wind relieved some of the tension that was building. "Sometimes, when I stand out here... when the wind blows, I can still feel her curling up beside me and wrapping her arms around me like she did when things really got bad. I..."
My sentence was cut short as another pair of arms wrapped themselves around me. I had been so caught up in my own story, that I hadn't even realized he had moved behind me. My breath caught in my chest. One of his hands was holding my shoulder, the other my stomach.
"She may not be here, Elizabeth." He whispered into my ear. "... But I am. You don't have to fight this battle alone. If you need someone... I'm here."
He was resting his chin against my head. This seemed to sudden! So... abnormal. Yet, I couldn't think of something that would feel more natural. Exhaling the held breath that was choking me, I leaned back against him. I felt him brace us, and I relaxed. He truly meant it.
"I... I know John. It's just I can't... I can't use you as a crutch like that." I forced myself to open my eyes and move from his arms. This was too close, too dangerous.
"Why? Why not?"
By the drop in his tone, I could tell that he was taken aback. I'm sure he wasn't used to being rejected in any manner from a female... unless that female was a higher rank in the military. And even then I don't imgine it happened often.
I turned back to him, and what I saw ripped my heart in two. His eyes seemed glossy, like a dog who had just been kicked by its master. I looked down and stepped backin closer, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Because if I do, you'll get to me, Colonel." I tried to place in formality, but it only hit both of us like lightening. "And if you get to me... I won't... I won't be able to pull myself free. I've already got a foot in..." I tried desperately to convey my meaning to him without being as blunt to put out a foolish hope that could be smashed.
His eyes and face blanked. For a moment, I could have sworn that I had struck him with a tangible object instead of words. I waited nervously for a response. What I received was laughter. Before offense could cover me, I felt John pull me against him.
"Elizabeth? Can't you see it?" His voice was soft, singing along with those beloved waves. "I've already tumbled into your trap. I can't get out. I've tried."
He lifted my chin gently. I couldn't believe such words were coming out of the Lieutenant Colonel. This wasn't the same John I knew!
"Join me in this pit. Just think of it. We could hide away from McKay forever."
Now THAT was the John I knew, and it made me burst out laughing.
"I'm not asking for a miracle, John." I managed to say.
"You're a miracle." He replied, completely serious.
He tightened his grip on me. I wasn't avoiding his gaze. The uncomfortable trembling that I usually had to suppress when he was near didn't come. Together on the balcony, under the starlight, we must have looked like a picture perfect shot for some cheesy romance novel. It felt like one.
I whispered his name once more, only to be cut off by him gingerly lowering his mouth to mine. I was shocked to find it was him that was trembling. Could I have really reduced the savvy military man to such a state? Not for long it seemed, for the moment I pressed closer into him, he relocated his hand to the base of my neck.
We stood there entwined, oblivious to the wind that was picking up or the crowd that was inside. And at that moment, I wouldn't have given a damn if Kavenaugh himself saw us and started screaming bloody murder. As amusing as the thought of giving him a heart attack was, though, he seemed to be kissing up well to Caldwell. This moment-ruining revelation made me snap back to reality. He tried to pull me back into the embrace, but I nuzzled into his shoulder, hoping it would satisfy him slightly.
"John... not here. Too many people could come out here." I try to justify myself.
"...Is it too late to put that sign up?" His tone is highly hopeful, dragging a chuckle out from me.
"I'll see what I can do..." I promise him as I break away and head back inside. I had been gone for a while. Needless to say, I probably had a million and five things already stacked up.
I sigh happily as I let the memory fade. That was nearly a month ago now. We have kept our affections in the shadows. There are those who know - those closest to us - but we do have responsibilities. One of those is to ensure the trust of the credibility of our actions. The plethora of rumors that have been flying around have done enough damage without those who would use it against us finding out the truth. Last thing I heard, I was apparently sleeping with Caldwell while any fight between Teyla and John was apparently over me. And yes, I do mean over me.
I'm laughing to myself when a pair of familiar arms drape over my shoulders. I had half expected him to turn up some time. John's familiar whisper he loves whispering to me fills my ear.
What's this? A surprise?
Taking my hand he leads me outside the automated doors. This is where my surprise lays. What I see there makes me laugh so loud I'm sure I disturb the closest of workers.
An appropriately medium sized plaque, red in color, hangs just to the left of the doors. White lettering spells out, and in several languages below the english, Private Area. Executive Officers Only. Unless requested, other personnel prohibited.'
"And how did we get this approved?" I ask, blinking, then put a finger up to indicate a request for silence. "Actually... I'm not sure I want to know. Let me guess, what approval, right?"
His tell-tale grin lets me know that I'm right. And he really is clever. The chances that it will be questioned are slim.
"What could you ever be talking about, darling Elizabeth?" He plays perfectly the part of the clueless little boy.
I shake my head slowly, and cover my eyes with my hand. What ever will I do with him? Giggling slightly in defeat I just nod and head back out to my favorite spot at the railing. My spot. Well, there is one person I don't mind sharing it with.