The Watch in The Real World
Chapter One
Disclaimer: Well, none of the characters are my own, all copyright goes to dear Terry Pratchett, the miracle worker that he is. Damn. I want them all!
Other little useless notes I should probably write: I'm amazed this idea hasn't been used before. Actually, someone will probably enlighten me on that, so here we go huh? Oh… and am I the only person who imagines Vimes as being younger than 40? I imagine him to be early thirties!!!! But that's probably just me. I'm really going to set up a website when I work out how to do it for free. If anyone knows, bloody tell me in a review!!! Anyway. Here goes. I'll stop babbling now. Any minute now. Yep.
Commander Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch raised his head at the knock that sounded at his door.
"Yes Carrot?" Carrot's innocent face and popped out from behind the door frame.
"Sir!" He saluted sharply.
Vimes sighed. "What is it Captain?" He looked mournfully at the pile of paperwork that only the other day Carrot had caught him 'accidentally' dropping lit cigars onto. It was considerably smaller, but still…
"Strange object found outside the Watch house door, sir."
"This Watchouse door?"
"Yes sir."
"Um. Could you maybe bring it in?"
This caused Carrot's brow to wrinkle with perplexity.
"Er…not really sir. I'd rather not."
This caught Vimes's attention. He looked up from the thoroughly interesting report that Colon had handed him. He laid a paperweight where he'd left off and turned to face Carrot, who shifted his weight uncomfortably.
"Why not?" He was genuinely curious.
"It's…er…glittery. Shiny. Er…twinkling."
Vimes just stared. Carrot tried again.
"Looks magic sir, to be honest."
Vimes couldn't imagine Carrot not being honest, but he frowned at the mention of magic. He forced himself up and strode out the door, only to run into Nobby, Colon, Cheery, Reg Shoe, Detritus and Angua, followed closely by an Orang-Utan. Basically most of the watch, if you discounted the ape.
"Good grief! Who's on patrol? What're you all doing here?"
The others looked uncomfortably at each other.
"And what's the ora-"
"Ook!"
"-librarian doing here?"
"Er…well…" Reg gave up.
"We couldn't get out the door sir." Angua said stonily.
"Good grief! And the ora-"
"Ook!"
"-librarian?"
"Ook."
"He says he was ordered to go here. By a wizard." Carrot translated automatically.
"Ook!"
"And then the thing blocked his way out…" Carrot trailed off.
Vimes rolled his eyes and walked over to the door, the others following closely. He glared at them and turned the handle. "I don't see what the fuss is all a-"
"-bout…" he breathed.
Right in front of the door was a… well, a door. But it was strange. For a start it was metal, but shiny and thick looking. It was two doors, meeting each other in the middle. To the right was a funny panel with a load of buttons. But it was like Carrot had said, it radiated magic like Nobby did trouble. You could look at it and not look at it, like another dimension in the wrong one. Vimes gave up at trying to simplify it for his brain, just accepting it was magic he turned to the problem of what to do about it. He realised the others were watching him from behind.
"Er…" He inspected. Yes, they were completely blocked in.
What to do?
"Well, sir, I dunno about you but I think we should just-" Nobby reached over Vimes and hit a button, before anyone could stop him. The doors sprung open.
"Oooooohoook…"
The interior was shiny as well. Shiny thick metal…it was too much for Nobby. And a funny black box in the corner with a glass lens. And another box with wire mesh over it. Nobby rushed in, only to be rugby tackled by Carrot ("Stop! You're violating law number-"), who in turn knocked Detritus, who nudged Cheery. A troll nudge of course is something else, so Cheery went hurtling into the shiny room. Angua dived to stop her and was knocked by the jumping Carrot, who's foot caught Detritus and pulled him in. Detritus grabbed thin air in an attempt to save himself and ripped Reg's arm off, who sighed and went inside to retrieve it.
Colon gave Vimes a look.
"I gotta bad feelin' bout this."
"So've I Fred." Vimes shrugged. The rabble that was the Nightwatch started to argue. Nobby detached himself from Carrot and looked around curiously.
Vimes and Colon walked in, looking around. The room was a lot smaller than it looked…
The doors slammed shut.
"How predictable." Vimes sighed. It was going to be one of those days.
Nobby peered at another panel on the wall.
"Ere! 'S a bunch of numbers! Which one'll I press?"
"Lots." Detritus answered gruffly. Reg was sulkily sitting atop of the troll, stitching his arm back on.
Nobby sighed, closed his eyes and pressed one. Number one, as it turned out.
Just at that very moment there was a blinding flash of light, as per the usual in that kind of circumstance. You know the drill – a lot of shouting and screaming, and then silence and darkness.
But it didn't happen like that.
The flash of light came, then went. In a flash. Ha ha ha.
There was a small light at the top of the shiny room, which went on. Then the little box with wire mesh over it began to speak.
"Good evening Bill!" (* it's the radio, by the way, in case you didn't figure.*)
"Hullo Fred!"
This reduced Fred to a small heap of quivering jelly in the corner.
"It…knows…my name…"
"So, what were you up to last night, ay?" Laughter came from the box. Freds eyes grew wide.
"How does it know?" He whispered miserably.
"Now, look here," Carrot began loudly, but the box interrupted him.
"None of your business mate!" More laughter.
Carrot was very put out. "I'm Carrot Ifoundersson, sir, of the city-"
"We're now going to play a song-"
"Sir!"
"By the old greats – it's Queen!"
Carrot looked bewilderedly at it. "We don't have a queen!"
"She's a killer...queeeeeeeen…."
Fred found his voice again.
"It's some sort of mutiny sir! A dastardly plot! To murder our queen!"
"We don't have a queen Fred." Vimes answered weakly. What was going on? Carrot found his feet again, he drew his sword, knocking Detritus slightly, which unbalanced Reg, who toppled off and stuck the pin in his own eye.
"How annoying. Eye fluids simply ruin the metal."
"Sorry Reg."
"S' alright Carrot. No harm done eh?"
********************
"What the-?" The head of the police dropped his phone in shock. He looked up at the CCTV picture of lift two, and dropped his phone in shock. Without taking his eyes off it, he reached for the phone.
"Listen…Henry, I'm going to have to call you back, alright?" The loud protests from the other end of the line came to no avail. He slammed the receiver down and got up from his leather chair and stared at the video.
He had to be one of the richest people in all of England. Head of police forces throughout Britain. He was evil, but intelligent. He was dangerous and powerful. He was one of those people that you would just simply not like to meet in a shady street. And he had contacts. A great many contacts. And not very good ones, suspicious maybe even, for the head of police to be involved with big-time criminals, crooks and gangsters.
His name was Milo Slives. Big name in the world of aristocrats of modern time London, and the underworld. To put it plainly, almost the last person the Watch would've wanted to encounter. Well, besides David Attenbourgh, I think we can all safely agree.
But he'd see them.
That man just stuck a pin right into his own eye!!
"Sorry Reg."
"S' alright Carrot. No harm done eh?"
This didn't bewilder Slives. Not at all. It intrigued him. He scanned the company within the lift, using a remote control for the camera.
He zoomed in on a young woman, with long flowing blonde hair. She had her arms folded and was tapping her foot…she seemed normal, apart from the armour and large boots she was wearing, but that could have an perfectly normal explanation, fany dress party or something. She was very beautiful, but in a lethal way.
He moved the camera to the right, behind the woman. A very short man…with a beard… and a dress?! It must be a fancy dress party, no other way to describe it. And was that nail varnish on…it's fingers?
Then there was a towering young man, with carrot-coloured hair and large muscles. He was scolding what seemed to be some sort of ape…no, it was a man. Slives frowned. But there was an ape next to the ape-man! He turned the sound on and caught the conversation.
"Nobby! What were you thinking? Now we're all in trouble?"
The strange man look sulky. "No-one asked you to follow me…"
"Ook!"
Slives wiped his fore head with a silk handkerchief.
"No, I don't have any peanuts. I'm talking to Nobby."
"Ook."
"Er… are you desperate?"
The orang-utan nodded.
"Ook."
"Couldn't you just hold on?" Carrot pleaded.
"Eek!"
"Well… do it in the corner!"
"Eek!"
"Well, you'll have to hold on then."
Slives watched with sick fascination. The man was talking to a monkey…a monkey…that could make him millions…millions… he shook his head and swerved the camera away from that corner of the lift, and fell off the chair.
"Holy Moses!"
He'd just discovered Detritus. The troll was twiddling two massive thumbs.
What on earth is that? It's alive!
The slightly greeny-grey man pulled the pin slowly out of his eye. Slives gaped, and winced slightly. Then almost fainted as he continued to stitch on his arm, which was hanging loosely by a thread.
Slives shook his head slowly and reached a trembling hand over to the remote, scanning over the rest of the lift.
There were two more men standing there, one was of average height but was quite overweight. He wore the same armour and boots as the rest of them did, and now he noticed they each wore a badge. Actually, the rocky-things badge was carved on his arm, but it must mean something.
The last man seemed to be in charge. He stood with a slightly pained expression on his face and had his hand over his eyes, he seemed to be thinking. He looked almost normal. Average height, Slives mused, skinny. No, no danger. Hmmm… it was then he panicked. The lift stopped moving. The doors opened. The party wandered out, cautiously.
"Oh shi-"
Hullo…'s my first Discworld fic, so please rate and review.