Warfarin.
Clopixal.
Codeine.
Just a few of the words she recognized from her training back on…hell, who really cared where she was from? All she knew was that where she was from smelled good. Not like…where she was now. Who knew, who cared. It was all the same to her. Base here, base there, base, base, base everywhere!
The officer, Sir, was back. He kept her from saluting. She had to salute, or it was a form of disrespect. She knew she respected him. Did she? She did. Didn't she? Who was he again? Oh, yeah, he was…..he was…..staring at her. Like she wasn't who she was supposed to be. Maybe she wasn't. She couldn't remember her name. He didn't seem the type to cry, but she saw wetness in his eyes when she told him.
It made her want to cry. She had a split second memory flash through her mind, a dock, fishing poles, a cold….something…to drink in her hand, and she was happy. He was laughing.
Was he laughing at her? Or at the something she held? Did she remember catching a fish? Was there even water?
He comes to her again later. She can't remember seeing him before. She knows he is supposed to mean something to her, and at the sight of him she longs to throw her arms around him. But she doesn't remember why.
Were they friends? And what was with the monkeys that followed him in, dancing off the chairs, screeching and knocking things over? Why didn't he leave them outside? Monkeys weren't allowed in the….
Then it hits her. Amnesia. She can't remember things, due to amnesia.
She has amnesia because of the flowers.
So she makes up names for things she can't remember. Monkeys weren't allowed in the noxum. She told him, quite firmly, to leave the yeng-yengs in the lup. They weren't allowed in the noxum where the pratix could catch incurable nehus.
The words weren't right. She knew it, even before his eyes turned dark with sadness. Tears came to her eyes, but he waved a hand.
"If anyone could come up with their own language, Carter, I should have known it would be you." He smiles.
Carter.
Her name is Carter.And his name is…something. Something she remembers, but struggles to keep to herself. She only uses his name when they are alone. She calls him Sir. He seems to accept that.
She wakes up in a daze, staring at the bag hanging over her head. It's full of liquid, she knows that much. A man watches her, smiles when she opens her eyes. He speaks to her, but the words he uses don't resonate in her mind. She knows she is supposed to understand him, but the words aren't there. They disappear like fog in the early morning.
The bag fascinates her, the liquid dripping down the tube into her…she knew what the things attached to her body were yesterday.
What is yesterday? Such a strange word.
Yes….ter….day. She knows what it means. She just has too much on her mind to let herself remember.
That's what he tells her. She can't remember his name anymore, only a dim spark in the back of her mind that he means the world to her. She clings to that knowledge, refuses to let it go. Repeats it like a prayer.
She can't understand why the dark one is gripping her tightly, but she doesn't push him away. He feels safe.
She knows that in the circle of his arms, she is safe. No one can harm her while he holds her.
The other one, the one who never leaves her side, will give his life for hers. She touches his face, a memory there and gone so quickly she can't catch it.
The final members of the people she…cares for? Loves?
Can barely remember their faces in her mind, just a sense that they are people she knows in a general way, all gather around her as she tries to cling to them, somehow realizing in the dark recesses of her quickly failing brain that they are all her protectors.
He takes her by surprise, calling her name one last time.
She turns to look at him, worried at the wetness on his face as his hand snaps upward to his forhead. She smiles as the woman injects something into her tubes.
Before long, she feels as if she's floating, all her worries fading away. Lifting her free hand, she touches them all one last time before she sinks back into the arms of her protector. They make her happy, she remembers. With them, she is happy again.
Living wills are a bitch.
Jack thought as he systematically emptied his locker. Without Sam, without Carter, life wasn't the bundle of fun he had seen through her eyes.
He'd cashed in his retirement account.
Bought a boat.
Sold the house.
Adopted a couple of puppies from the local shelter.
As he neared the items in the back of his locker, a faded yellow envelope caught his eye. Her handwriting, just one word, Jack, swept across the front. He wondered when she'd slipped it into his locker, and how. Men's locker. Ladies weren't... Who cared how it got there. It was there. She had wanted the last word, had found a way to get it. Gently prying the flap up, he pulled out two sheets of paper and a smaller packet of what felt like photos. Laying the photos aside, he began reading the letter she had written.
Hey Jack. God, that sounds so weird. But, hopefully, you won't rat me out.
I just wanted to say that if you're reading this, then I'm probably not around anymore. You quit the SGC, gave up on life, cashed in your retirement, got a dog, or possibly even two, sold the house, and embarked on a trip to somewhere that doesn't remind you of what you've gone through.
Or, less likely, you cleaned out your locker. In which case, stop reading, right now. I'll wait while you put this away.
You're still reading, which means I'm no longer here.
Which, now that I think about it, totally sucks.
But, I hope it was a good death. Not mowed down by a car while crossing the street or some such nonsense.
Saving the world. Or the galaxy. Or the universe.
You know me, once you blow up a sun, everything else pales in comparison.
So, Jack. I'm leaving you in charge of the team. You're their North Star.
Take care of my guys. All of them. That includes you.
Mark, Mark will want me buried in the family plot, next to our parents. I want to be cremated and my ashes spread across space.
That's the last request I have.
Now, I know you're trying to hold together, so let me leave you with the words of my favorite song, and understand them as I did.
Not as a loss, more of a way of saying goodbye.
Jack picked up the second sheet of paper and unfolded it, a CD falling into his hands.
Plugging it into the stereo in the locker room, he listened to the gentle sounds as they floated from the speakers, his eyes travelling over the page in his hands as he read the lyrics in time with the song.
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', It's early morn
The taxi's waitin', He's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say...
Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
And I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
But I'm leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
So Jack, even though I'm gone, smile for me.
Know that I love you.
Love, your Sam
As the song ends, he looks up to see his teammates trying to look busy. Trying and failing.
"Guys." He manages.
They look over, surprised, as he struggles to speak.
"Damn spores." Daniel says it for him, saying what they're all thinking.
Floral spores latched onto her brain during her last mission some weeks ago, began choking out the life in her.
Brain cell by brain cell.
"I'm taking my retirement. hitting somewhere that doesn't remind me of... this." He waved a hand around to encompass the base, knowing they understood.
"Wanna' come with?" He asked, hoping they would say no.
He couldn't be with them without her. They were no longer a team without Samantha Carter.
"I will go with you on your journeys, O'Neill." Teal'c replied gravely.
Daniel nodded agreement.
And Jack found himself hugging them, both of them, their arms around him just as suddenly.
He couldn't lose them like he lost her