A/N: Just thought I'd have a go at a silly smutty one shot :P I've never really used first person before so ignore the failure at that, enjoy anyway! Oh, and there's a bit of Ali bashing, only silly things though :D Unbeta'd as usual, Review and enjoy the read.

Awkward.

"Alistair?" I glanced to my side expecting the muscular blonde to be sleeping soundly. "Alistair? Where are you?" I felt around the dark tent with my hands, as if searching for some miniscule item. "Alistair!" My nibble hands spread out through the darkness, his sleeping mat was there, but he was missing. His sword and shield clanged as I knocked them over. He must be outside. I thought. No need to fret. And then that laugh, that "Cursed!" red head Chantry "Sluts!" ear piercing laugh. I leapt from my bed roll and into the night, bare footed and only in my small clothes. I shivered as I hit the forest cold, my pointed ears burning from it. The camp was eerie and cold, a thick mist moved along the ground like a carpet rolling out. The fire was out and nobody was around. Save for the chasind witch; Morrigan. That awful giggle poured out from the tent that Morrigan was staring at.

I pulled up beside her and glanced her up and down. "What's happening in there? Why won't she shut up!"

The witch shrugged, she seemed unaffected by the cold, even though her rags barely covered any of her womanly parts. She pointed an arm above the tent and a globe of light flew from her fingertips. It reached its zenith over the tent and arced down to land on the opposite side. The light shone through the tent, casting two silhouettes into their view. One figure was on their back with their legs draped over the shoulders of the second; which was pulling forward and back in a rhythm.

"That whore!"

Morrigan smiled and chuckled to herself at the red heads impending death.

I grabbed the witches' staff and stormed toward the tent, moans and cries of 'Oh Maker!' had joined in with the horrible laughing to create a symphony of...of annoyingness! She's going to die! Followed shortly by him! I burst through the tent flap and gagged at the site before me. The red headed bards forehead was touching his, her knees were up to her chest and legs draped over his shoulders. Beads of sweat rolled from his short blonde hair, down his face and onto her breasts. Alistair was thrusting in and out of her lower, more sacred hole with a passion.

"You arse bit slut!"

She looked at me, right into my eyes, not an ounce of remorse there, she simply laughed again, all the time while Alistair continued.

My naked foot connected with Alistair's backside, sending him sprawling from her, almost taking the tent with him. I vomited in my mouth as I was greeted with a gaping hole, almost winking at me. "Fuck!" I screamed as I pounced toward the Bard, I swung the staff across her face; I smiled to myself as it connected with a sickening crunch, sending blood spraying from her nose.

"What's your problem!" She cried, clenching her snapped nose.

She attempted to roll out of the way as I pounced but my elven nimbleness caught her. My slim hands grasped at her neck and I pushed my thumbs into her Adam's apple. Blood dribbled from her mouth as her legs kicked and thrashed, her hands roamed my body attempting to throw me off. "Die! Die! Die!"

Suddenly a force grabbed me from behind and yanked me from the strangled bard. "Get off!"

"Get off!" I shouted, suddenly jumping up from my bed roll. Sweat poured from my face, my whole body was wet from it. I breathed out loudly. "Ahh...It...It was a dream..." I said to myself. I sighed as I slipped into a night gown and stumbled from the tent. I screamed to myself mentally as Leliana's laugh echoed across the camp. I wish it wasn't a dream... I approached the small group sitting around the fire. Leliana smiled cutely at me, I could have sworn she fancied me...And Alistair at the same time. The latter was sat across from her; Oghren the dwarf was on her left and Zevran the Antivan elf on her right. "Ali?"

The blonde turned and smiled at me. "Feeling better?"

I nodded. "Mmm, I think I was just tired."

He patted the log that he was sat on, indicating for me to join him.

"Actually Ali, can I have a word?"

He raised his eyebrows and walked over to me. "What's wrong my beauty?"

I smiled. "I've been thinking."

"About?" The blonde scratched the back of his head in thought.

I smiled. "I think it's time we...You know..."

"Uhh, time we what?" He asked, genuine puzzle in his voice.

"You know..." I made an 'o' with my left index finger and thumb and poked my right index finger through it.

He stared at me, a blank look across his face. "What are you talking about?"

"Sex you dimwit!" An Orlesian accent shouted out from behind us.

Alistair glowed a bright red. "Oh...Oh Maker." He poked his toes at the ground timidly.

"Come on." I beckoned to our tent with my head and grabbed his hand, happily pulling him along.

He was mumbling nervously to himself as we fell into the tent. "Y—you do know I've not done this before don't you."

I smiled. "That's cute."

I quickly rid myself of my gown and small clothes before helping him from his, running my hand over his toned stomach and muscular chest as I did. I fell back onto my sleeping mat, pulling his naked form with me. "Take me Alistair."

He blushed. "Uhh."

"Don't worry!" I laughed. "I'm a virgin too."

"Huh?"

"You know? Ver-Jun." I over exaggeratedly moved my lips to the word. "We Dalish don't just have one night flings or short relationships as you humans tend to do. It...It means something when we do. I love you Alistair!" I almost believed myself as I said it. The first bit was true, but the second...I wasn't so sure of.

He pulled himself up so that he was face to face with me, his mouth moved to mine and our tongues fought for dominance in each other's mouths. I giggled slightly as he ran his hand through my dark patch of pubic hair. He poked his now engorged member around, trying to find its target. He blushed like a beetroot when I noticed he was having trouble.

"Here." I moved my hands down to my nether regions, parting my lips with one hand and grabbing his erection with the other, it was large, but then again I didn't know whether that was average for a human, or for any race really, I just wondered how it would fit. He shuddered as I squeezed it and guided him toward my virgin opening.

He smiled when the head of his muscle slipped in.

I smiled back. "That wasn't so hard was it?"

"Wh—What do I do?"

"Just...Just thrust your hips forwards and back, just be caref—" I screamed out in pain as he buried himself to the hilt, tearing through my thin membrane with ease.

I closed my eyes and inhaled sharply at the inside stinging.

He began pulling out. Tripping over his words. "D—D—Did I hurt you?"

I grasped his shoulders and pulled him closer. "Don't worry, just be a bit softer."

He nodded before pushing again, his eyes rolling back. "Maker this is unbelievable, according to the sisters I should have been struck down by now...It's so tight and warm, almost unbearably so!"

I smiled. At least somebody's enjoying it...

He grunted again. "I feel like my skins going to rip off at this rate."

"Alistair...Focus." I slapped his cheeks, one with each hand. "Pay attention and stop talking."

He nodded before gaining an unsteady rhythm; I attempted to look as though I was enjoying it as he buried himself into me again and again. "Alistair." I grabbed his hand from my breast and led it down past my naval, through the dark hair and to the small bundle of nerves. "Rub that."

I threw my head to the side as he roughly played with the small nub, before long his hand had gone back to fumbling with my breast. I growled in frustration, grabbed it and pushed it back down. Seconds later it was back on my breast. I mentally slapped myself for deciding to do this. He was so clueless...

He groaned. "Wh—What's this feeling?"

"Have you seriously never?"

"Never." He grunted again. "Never what?" He was breathing heavily by now, and sweating profusely.

"You know...Masturbated?"

His blush was evident, even through his already flushed face. "No, never!"

"Just keep going Ali." I sighed.

He smiled again and picked up his speed. Before long he was grunting and groaning with every thrust. I felt his body begin to stiffen. He shouted out as spasms wracked his body. I shuddered as I felt his member thicken slightly and the thick hot substance shot deep into my womb, sticking to the walls where it landed. I had to stifle a laugh when I looked to his face. He looked as though he had died and gone to heaven. A daft grin of pleasure slapped across it. His orgasm lasted for what seemed to be an age. Twenty or so years of pent up pleasure waiting to release.

He finally sighed one last time as his member twitched, sending one last shot into me, it lapped around him, threatening to pour out of my under compensating opening. He collapsed onto me laughing. "Maker!" He breathed out loudly. "That...That was amazing!"

"So..." I forced myself to smile. "Did you enjoy that?" I had to smile; I needed to get my claws fully into him, and away from that dreadful Chantry tart.

"Did I ever!" He pulled his flaccid muscle from me, unblocking the dam as it were. He rolled over onto his own mat, failing to notice the mess he had now caused on mine.

Fucks sake..."Alistair?"..."Alistair?"

A loud snore came from where he was laid.

I screamed out loud in frustration, which caused much laughter and jeering from outside. I sat up and looked down at what was now seeping out from me, staining my sleeping roll. I shook my head and laid back down, rubbing my fingers through the slimy liquid and toward the nub he had so badly failed to pay attention to. May as well finish what he half heartedly started...

XoX

"So..." Leliana smiled as I sat down on a log around the fire. It was early morning and nobody else was about. "Did you have fun?"

I rolled my eyes and buried my face in my hands. "Yeah...Tons of fun..." I looked toward my bedroll which I had rolled up by my feet. "Is there a river near?"

The Bard laughed. "Yeah, there's one about...three hundred yards that' a way." She pointed through a tree line.

I nodded and stood up, before limping toward the trees. Much to her amusement...