I Am Never Going To Love Another Soul

I apologize for this sucking.

"Thank you to Gibby for that incredible eight minute long solo dance interpretation of The Catcher in the Rye," said Carly. She lightly clapped her hands and smiled at the camera.

"Yeah, and it was really brave of him to perform it wearing nothing but a way-to-small speedo and two cans of blue house paint," said Sam. She sounded slightly bemused. She pressed the applause button on the remote in her hand.

In the background the chunky boy smiled widely. His teeth were slightly crooked. He bowed earnestly. His stomach fat folded over itself into little rolls. Carly was tempted to wonder why the boy preferred to always be partially undressed, particularly with his round physique, but when Gibby was concerned, she had to just accept his eccentricities and hope he didn't stick around long enough to have any of his strangeness rub off on her. A trail of blue footprints leading out of frame indicated that Gibby had left.

She turned her attention back to the matter at hand and braced herself. Next came the point when her plan would be set into motion.

"Well," Carly began, "we only have one segment left on today's iCarly, and it was suggested to us by Kristy Eriksson of Bergen, Norway!"

A picture of a fair skinned girl with short blonde hair was flashed on the screen. The girl was smiling awkwardly.

"Thanks fjord the suggestion, Kristy!" Sam said.

Carly thought about how amazing her counterpart was to be able to adlib with such skill. She sighed in admiration of Sam.

"But seriously," Sam continued, "this one has me a little bit nervous."

Carly was nervous as well, how could she not be, but she knew this might be her only chance.

"That's right," she said shaking slightly. "It's time for the…Kiss Wheel!" she blurted with eyes shut tight, stomach aflutter.

A curtain behind them (which was there the whole time, you just didn't notice it because you weren't paying attention) opened up to reveal a giant spinning wheel, the outside of which was decorated in red hearts and gold glitter. A banner hanging from the ceiling above the wheel read iCarly Valentine's Kisstacular! The hearts and glitter theme continued here as well.

The girls stood on either side of the wheel and made exaggerated gestures at it. The gestures were clearly meant to draw attention to the wheel. Freddy zoomed in on the wheel for a moment.

"Here's how it works. In honor of Valentine's day, one of us will spin this here wheel and whoever it lands on, we have to give that person a kiss." Sam sounded slightly nervous, in contrast to the brash way she usually acted.

"On the lips!" Carly was perhaps a bit to quick to add.

"Yep. We're ramping things up here on iCarly for V-day. To be honest, I'm a little weirded out about kissing someone on the show when I've only ever kissed one other person before."

Carly's heart bobbed up and down. Sam had already kissed someone? There was an awkward few seconds of silence before she quietly said "But Sam, I thought you admitted on the show that you've never kissed before."

Sam said meekly "Well…I might have kissed someone after that happened." She hadn't told Carly about it because she was embarrassed.

"What? When? Who? Why didn't you tell me?" Carly's voice was rising and she was on the verge of losing her composure.

"It wasn't a big deal or anything. Just a little nothing of a kiss. There was no romance involved."

Freddy narrowed his eyes from behind the camera. Carly considered Sam's words and decided to proceed as planned.

Again, Carly had not said anything for several seconds. "I'll tell you about it after we go off the air," Sam said, attempting to move the conversation along.

"You better," Carly said. She put on an obviously fake smile, but had already decided that she was not angry at Sam. She found it very difficult to ever be mad at Sam. That's why she was able to put up with her various antics that would have made anyone else cut their ties with the feisty blonde.

"So…how are we going to decide which one of us spins the wheel?" Sam asked.

"Whoever can do a handstand the longest" Carly answered automatically.

"Uh…I'm wearing a skirt…"

"Well then I guess I win and you have to spin!" Carly said chipperly to the camera.

"But Carls, before the show you told me the pants I was wearing were ugly and gave me this skirt to change into…"

A graphic in keeping with the Valentine's Day theme of hearts and glitter appeared on the screen cutting Sam off. (Author's note: this makes perfect sense)

"Hey, let's go check out that wheel!" Carly ejaculated as she grabbed Sam by the arm and pushed her over towards the large prop. Sam has very, very soft skin, Carly thought.

"Ugh, fine" said a dejected Sam.

"So, who are the potential targets for Sam's kiss? Let's take a look." Carly had, at least outwardly, gotten herself back into "show mode". Inside she was still quite nervous, but hopeful, as things were mostly going as planned so far.

The wheel had a section for all the candidates, each of which was colored its own color.

"There's Freddy," Carly said.

"He wishes," Sam said. Freddy made a face and avoided Sam's eyes.

"…Spencer," Carly said.

"That's creepy," Sam said.

"…Lewbert," Carly said.

"GAG!" Sam said.

"…Lewbert's wart," Carly said.

"Eh, that one's not bad." Typical Sam, thought the iCarly viewers.

"…this bowl full of Gibby's unwashed socks"

Sam had no retort for this one. Don't ask me to explain why. No one besides Gibby knew this, but Gibby had masturbated into one of those socks.

"…That brown, three legged dog with the skin disease that hangs out in the alley behind my building"

"We call him Chocolate Flake," Sam said in a 'talking to a dog' voice.

"This is getting boring," said the iCarly viewers.

"…aaaaand…the mystery smooch," Carly said, making her voice go up and down mysteriously. Her heart had begun beating quickly by this point. "We had Freddy make a list of names and pick a random one out of a hat, so neither of us knows who the mystery smooch is. Whoooo could it beeeeeee?" She spoke in an exaggerated voice to mask her nervousness over telling not-quite-the-truth. "Whooo will Sam kiiiiiiss." I should stop doing that now, she thought.

Carly spun the wheel she had rigged with weights, knowing which sector it would land on. Sam looked on as the wheel spun, obviously interested in where it would land. Carly did not watch the wheel. She watched Sam instead, and tried to prepare herself.

The wheel landed, of course, on 'mystery smooch'.

Just as planned, thought Carly. "Freddy, the envelope containing the mystery smooch's identity, please." Freddy handed the envelope to Carly who handed it to Sam.

"Let's see…" said Sam, opening the envelope. "I gotta kiss…"

Carly was breathing heavily and covered in a light sweat. She had given Freddy ten dollars to ensure that the name she chose would be in the envelope, but was nervous and excited about what would happen after the name was revealed.

Sam finished opening the envelope and unfolded the paper inside, eyes going wide in confusion as she read the name contained thereupon.

"…Carly?"

Ten days earlier

"Wait a minute, Carly…are you telling me you're a lesbian?"

When Carly told Spencer she needed to talk to him about something important, he assumed maybe she was worried about peer pressure to use drugs, or eating disorders, or some other typical teenage problem you see on television. He had not been expecting that his little sister would tell him that she was in love with Sam.

"I don't know, Spencer," Carly sighed. "I've never felt this way about a girl before or even a guy. It's just with her. Obviously me and Sam have always been close. She's my best friend. But lately I've been starting to think that maybe the way I feel about her is something more than just friendship."

"Like what do you mean?" Spencer asked. He was still shocked from Carly's confession, but tried his best to keep a calm and supportive tone in his voice.

"Like, well…I always think of her at night before I go to sleep. And at school I find myself drawing doodles of her dressed up like a cowgirl in my History textbook. When she sleeps over, she always takes a shower before going to sleep and the room is filled with the smell of her shampoo. I love that. Whenever I'm not with her I feel like…I don't know, like my heart closes up or something. Like a part of me is missing."

"Carly…wow."

"One more thing." Carly was getting embarrassed saying her feelings aloud for the first time and glued her eyes to the floor, unable to look her brother in the eye. But she knew she had to continue. "I've never told anyone this before, but…when Sam's not around I watch reruns of iCarly so I can look at her. Pathetic, I know. I'm such a dork."

"No, Carly. You're wrong." Spencer's voice was oddly somber.

"What?" said Carly, finally looking up. There was a tear welling up in the corner of her eye.

"You're not a dork at all," he said, grabbing her by the shoulder and pulling her into a tight hug. "Carly, that was the sweetest thing I've ever heard. Even sweeter than when I went to the Pixie Stick and the Hot Fudge Sundaes concert.

"You mean you don't think I'm a freak?" she sniffled, her face crushed against his chest.

"Of course not. You're my little sister. I love you no matter what." He squeezed her even tighter.

"Thanks, Spence. But I just don't know what I should do," she sighed.

He released her from the hug. "I'm not gonna lie to you, kiddo. You're in a tough situation."

"Tell me about it," said Carly in a way that was both sad and cute.

"First thing's first," said Spencer. "Are you absolutely sure that what you feel for Sam is love?"

"I don't know. I've never been in love before. This is all so confusing." Her shoulders slumped. "I don't want to tell her and ruin our friendship if it turns out I misinterpreted everything. I can't risk throwing away everything I have with Sam. I wish there was some way I could tell for sure."

Spencer sighed. "I can't believe I'm saying this," he said to himself, but loud enough for Carly to hear. He turned to his sister. "You have to kiss her."

Back to the stupid part at the stupid beginning

There's no way I can go through with this, Carly thought. Kissing my best friend. On the lips. My best friend who is a girl. And doing it on the show, no less. Why did I let Spencer talk me into this?

As the wheel spun around, Carly's stomach also turned in circles. How on earth had she ever thought this was a good idea? It was not in the girl's nature to be a schemer. So how had she concocted this elaborate setup in order to get a chance to get a kiss out of Sam? It was if she had been taken over by some other entity and had no control over her actions.

Oh no, she thought. Could this be what people meant when the talked about teenagers behaving erratically because of 'raging' hormones (as they were always described)?

Carly hardly noticed when the wheel landed where she knew it would, nor could she remember even asking Freddy for the envelope. But now here she was, with Sam about to open the envelope that held her name.

Part of the girl wanted to scream. To make it all stop. To snatch the envelope out of Sam's hands, turn to the camera and say 'Sorry, but we're out of time. Looks like the Kiss Wheel will have to wait until next Valentine's Day'.

But it was too late now, and furthermore, Carly was rooted to the spot. Reduced to a statue by fear and uncertainty. Now was the point where everything would change. No matter the outcome of the kiss, whether it confirmed her feelings for Sam or not, Carly doubted whether she would ever again be able to look at her friend the way she had in the past.

But then Carly remembered why she was doing this in the first place. Spencer had always taught her that one could only progress and grow as a person by taking chances. You gotta keep on trying, 'til you lose or you win. The die had already been cast, so all she could do was cross her fingers and hope everything turned out all right.

A seed of optimism took hold in Carly's chest.

She reentered the world around her as Sam spoke the name.

"…Carly?"

Silence.

"…I'm supposed to kiss…Carly?"

Carly inched herself a few inches toward Sam. "Well…uh, this is…unexpected," Carly said to the camera. Her remaining nervousness masked her lie.

Sam still held the paper holding Carly's name in her hand as if what she had read could not possibly be true. She had yet to look at her friend since opening the envelope. She was obviously uncomfortable.

Surely the silence between the two could not go on much longer.

"Well Sam…how 'bout it?" Carly asked gingerly, working hard to make her voice as unserious and bouncy as possible.

Sam finally raised her eyes to Carly. Her face held none of the typical exuberance she had on the air.

"I…this is…

"…I can't do this."

And Sam was gone.

As a shot of pain tore through her chest, Carly realized the platitudes she had calmed herself with earlier meant nothing in the end, and that as easy as that seed of hope can be planted inside, even more easily can it wither and fall dead.

I might, at some point, continue this if I can ever break out of this CRIPPLING DEPRESSION OH GOD