1. TEAPOTS IN THE SKY
[SMOKER WAYNE at desk, idly reading newspaper. Door swings open. TASHIGI ALBERT enters with coffee.]
SMOKER: [Looks up briefly and scowls at TASHIGI.]
TASHIGI: [Wibbles] I'm sorry Smoker, sir! The coffee machine exploded!
SMOKER: Hnn.
TASHIGI: Yes sir! [Begins walking but trips. Coffee flies everywhere.]
SMOKER: [Glares]
TASHIGI: I'm sorry sir! I'll get the Swiffer!
SMOKER: Hnn.
TASHIGI: Oh, okay, I'll go polish my swords! [Exits while humming.]
SMOKER: (Muttering to himself) Note to self, buy new coffee machine. Second note to self, buy new butler. [Pause] Third note to self, stop making notes to self and use Post-It Notes.
[SMOKER watches the news on TV. TASHIGI is in standby mode near the wall. MAN on TV standing in front of large charred BUILDING.]
MAN: (From TV) ... late last night, witnesses reported seeing the National Loguetown Museum of Tea on fire. Unfortunately, none of the few dozen residents near the five-storey building noticed it was burning until it was entirely engulfed in flames...
SMOKER: How can you not notice a five-storey building burning right next to you?
[TV shows short video of gigantic fire. Captioned "Amateur Video". VOICES can be heard underneath MAN's rambling.]
VOICE 1: Haha, doesn't that look totally SUPER?
VOICE 2: Hey bro, do you think we should go call the Fire Department?
VOICE 1: Pfft, nah, it's okay. Somebody else will.
[TV shows few dozen more similar videos.]
SMOKER: Did everyone in the area just watch the museum burn down?
MAN: (From TV) Sadly, by the time a blind pedestrian noticed and called 911, the museum was mostly destroyed.
[SMOKER facepalms.]
MAN: (Continuing) Police believe that this act of arson is linked to the recent burning of the National Loguetown Museum of Crackers and have been caused by the same unknown person. Chief Commissioner Garp Gordon has some comments.
[TV shows GARP, distressed. Blows nose into pink handkerchief.]
GARP: (Sobbing) We'll catch that tea-murdering, cracker-killing -
[Long series of bleeps emitted from TV.]
GARP: - if it's the last thing we do! [Bursts into tears.]
MAN: That is all about the Tea Museum arson. Next up, insights on how to make long-lasting curls, from Mr. Igaram! Stay tuned after this short break!
[SMOKER turns off TV. Bright light flashes from outside the window.]
TASHIGI: Sir? Teapot-Signal is up!
SMOKER: Do I have to go?
TASHIGI: Yes, sir!
SMOKER: (Mumbling) Note to self, break that damn lightbulb.
TASHIGI: Sir, you said you would use Post-It notes from now on!
SMOKER: Whatever. My jacket.
[TASHIGI salutes. Foot catches on corner of rug. Flies into armchair. Flip off the armchair into bookshelf. Bounces off bookshelf and hits floor lamp. Trips on floor lamp's extension cord. Falls onto coffee table. Coffee table shatters.]
TASHIGI: I'm okay sir! [Walks unsteadly back to original location. Removes jacket from wall hanger. Slowly walks back and hands over jacket.]
SMOKER: Thanks. [Removes two cigars and a lighter. Lights cigars. Smokes both of them simultaneously. Tosses jacket to TASHIGI.] Put it back now.
TASHIGI: Yes, sir!
[SMOKER exits. Loud crashes.]
[ROOFTOP of mysterious tall building. Teapot-Signal coming from large mysterious flashlight. GARP mysteriously making shadow puppets.]
GARP: (Muttering) Graaar... I'm the zombie rabbit! I will nom your brainz! (In falsetto) Eek, oh no! But I need my brainz! (Normal voice) No! Brainzes are for the weakz!
[BATMAN mysteriously appears next to Garp mysteriously.]
BATMAN: (Mysteriously) Excuse me.
GARP: Whoa! I didn't notice you there!
BATMAN: Probably not. Anyways, what do you want? Help with something more important than that ridiculous Tea Museum arson?
[GARP stares blankly then guffaws. BATMAN stands there looking as confused as he can with a mysteriously weird mask-thing on his mysterious face.]
GARP: Naw, I need you to babysit my grandkids!
[Mysterious pause. Mysteriously interrupt at random with mysterious crickets.]
BATMAN: ...what. I thought it was an emergency!
GARP: It is!
BATMAN: No, it isn't. You didn't have to Teapot-Signal for a babysitting job! They don't even need babysitting! One is 20 and the other 17!
GARP: Well, how else could I have asked you?
BATMAN: The bloody phone! [Shoves mysterious paper with 707-JUS-TICE mysteriously written on it under Garp's mysterious nose]
GARP: Oh, right, that thing.
BATMAN: Argh! Note to self, always bring two cigars and a lighter when meeting Garp from now on...
GARP: Gwahaha! I know somebody who smokes two cigars at once! He's the only person I know who does that! Come to think of it, he also has the same phone number and talks to himself a lot! What a coincidence!
BATMAN: ... yeah! [Coughs uncomfortably for some mysterious and unknown reason. Glances around shiftily and mysteriously.]
GARP: Wow, you're really similar to Mr. Smoker Wayne! Gwahaha!
[BATMAN flinches. Mysteriously.]
GARP: (Continues) Not like you are Mr. Wayne. He doesn't wear a mask! Gwahaha!
BATMAN: Right. I know him! He's, uh, my friend.
GARP: Oh, okay! Then you can ask him to babysit. Goodbye then, it's time for my ballet lessons! [Exits mysterious ROOFTOP.]
BATMAN: ... good thing he's an idiot. [Mysteriously vanishes.]