Disclaimer: I don't own Worst Witch and I don't own the few quotes and references I've borrowed (including the title) from the Legendary Big Bang Theory! If you've not seen this comedy then you really must do! I never laugh so much than when engaged in a double bill of BBT!
A/N: Even by my standards this is a little … let's face it random and completely bonkers but is gifted to HB Rules, since she's just Awesome like that!, and will actually know what I'm banging on about lol. Much Love Dear! :)
The Adhesive Duck Deficiency
Imogen Drill hobbled into the Staffroom and sank gratefully into the vacant armchair; the relief all too present on her face. Gritting her teeth, and aware that all eyes were on her, she thought she better offer some form of explanation.
"I slipped in the shower" she mumbled quietly, avoiding eye contact with both Miss Cackle and Miss Hardbroom. She wasn't going to add in the fact that she had slipped whilst she had been singing and dancing along to Rihanna's hit tune: S&M. Nor was she about to admit that when her foot had braced the bottom of the bathtub she had automatically grabbed at the first thing she could lay her hands on, anything to try and stop herself from falling.
Unfortunately, the first thing she had been able to grab hold of was the shower curtain and she had gripped it with such a force she had pulled the full thing-pole included-down and had landed in an ungainly heap in the bathtub, the curtain falling on top of her; covering her modesty, but not her embarrassment.
"Ah, so I take it from that, you were the source of the earlier racket?" It was more of a general assumption rather than an actual question.
"If you mean the swearing Constance, I know it wasn't very professional but I slipped and I panicked!" Imogen retorted, before adding a little cattily "I'm sure most people would have reacted the same way. Even you".
"I wasn't referring to your apparent use of expletives" Constance said, choosing to ignore the last part of Imogen's sentence, she looked up from the jotter she was marking; her dark eyes glinting ever so slightly and a wry smile playing across her lips. "I was referring to your singing. If one could call it that. I thought one of the girls had stepped on their cat's tail again."
Imogen was torn between embarrassment that Constance –of all people- had heard her rendition of S&M (of all the songs, with all the lyrics, she had to be caught singing THAT one!) and a touch of anger at her colleague's scathing comment – who was Constance Hardbroom to criticise her singing? She opened her mouth in protest but before she could argue with the witch, the door burst open and in skipped Davina Bat humming a new composition and absentmindedly chewing on a carnation.
Going into the stationery cupboard, she retrieved her stashed bottle of yaks milk and took her usual seat at the table 'with the sun on my face' she quietly sang as she poured the milk into a glass and popped in her red curly straw (Hags & Horrocks latest token offering) It took nearly five full minutes to pass before she even noticed Imogen; who was now attempting to wrap a crepe bandage around her ankle.
"Oh Imogen, what happened dear?" she asked, concern present in her voice.
"I slipped in the shower"
"Oh you poor thing, is it serious?"
Imogen shook her head; she had enough knowledge and experience of injuries, albeit sports related ones, to know there was no serious damage done and it wasn't broken.
"Just a slight sprain" she answered, smiling weakly.
Amelia, who had been otherwise engaged with a rather large chocolate éclair, took one final bite (and almost looked sad it was done) and brushed the crumbs from her fingers onto her grey cardigan; an action which earned her an eye roll from her Deputy. She took a sip of her tea before addressing Imogen.
"Do you not have a safety mat dear?" or adhesive stickers?" She didn't know much about the latter, except from she must have paid more attention to the new home décor feature in Witch Weekly than she first thought. "Tubs can be slippery"
"I know they're slippery, I bloody slipped!" Imogen wanted to say, but an argument at this moment in time was the last thing she could be bothered with, so instead she simply shook her head to signify a 'no'.
"I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub to keep myself from slipping" the chanting teacher chimed in, causing the other three staff members to turn to look at her simultaneously in bemusement. Davina however was oblivious to their reactions and carried on talking.
"They're holding umbrellas!" she proudly exclaimed as she continued to blow into the straw, causing a series of bubbles to form in the milk.
"I beg your pardon"
"The ducks in my tub" she said slowly to Constance, as if she was explaining something to a small child. "They're whimsical because ducks have neither the need for nor the ability to use umbrellas, but they do their job" she nodded wisely before adding "and they are ever such fun – I've even given them names"
"Wh- Davina, now fully in her element cut across Constance "Now lets see, she paused to think before rhyming them off on her fingers. "There is Fluffy, Daisy, Donald, Daffy and Joey – Joey's my favourite" she broke off grinning from ear to ear.
A series of looks of utter bafflement were exchanged between the other staff members; no one had any idea what to say in response. This was even kookier than her fish night-light idea – which, according to Davina, was a good way to have a pet fish and save on candles.
Clearing her throat, it was Constance's voice that finally broke through the silence in the room "I believe, the word we are looking for is anyway …"
The cuckoo in the clock chimed and the three teachers all went their separate ways, leaving Imogen alone in the staffroom- which wasn't a bad thing; it meant she had peace and quiet to read her new issue of 'Sports Illustrated' as there would be no arguments between her and Constance, or Davina and Constance … or anyone and Constance.
'The woman could probably start an argument in an empty room' Imogen thought.
XxX
Some time later Imogen managed to hobble upstairs to her bedroom, looking forward to soon being able to collapse into a heap on the bed. Opening the door to her bathroom she stopped short …
"DAVINA!"
The yell echoed through the Castle and within a few minutes Constance, Amelia and Davina were at her side.
Without saying a word she pushed open the bathroom door.
Amelia burst out laughing on the spot, Davina was grinning from ear to ear, and even Constance was suppressing a smirk.
Every inch of the bathroom: the bathtub; the walls; the floor and even the little cupboard in the far corner, was covered in stickers of happy yellow ducks holding umbrellas, and some even wearing red wellington boots.
"Do you like it dear? I thought I would give you some of my special stickers" Davina's eyes flitted about the room. "I may have got a little carried away" she said nodding- more to herself than anyone in particular.
"A little?" Imogen exclaimed.
Through bouts of laughter Amelia excused herself claiming she had just remembered she had an important letter to write which loosely translated that she was off to eat the emergency cheesecake in her office and Davina … well she had already scuttled off to the safety of her cupboard. Her theory; as long as she was safe in the confines of her cupboard, Imogen couldn't murder her.
That left only Imogen and Constance.
"Something funny?"
"Well look on the bright side, at least there's no danger of you slipping again Miss Drill" Constance sarcastically remarked. "Though if you will insist on wailing like a banshee with a sore throat might I suggest you find something a little more appropriate to sing! The girls are impressionable enough as it is. And then there's Miss Bat. We've only just got past the Lady Gaga phase and need I remind you you're not the one who drew the short straw in having to explain what a 'disco stick' is to her."
Imogen giggled to herself as she remembered the stilted awkwardness (although sheer hilarity for those just observing) of that conversation.
"Well what do you suggest then Constance?"
Brushing flecks of invisible dust from her immaculately clean black dress Constance pretended to be mulling the idea over in her mind.
"Five Little Ducks?" She finally said, after a short pause.
Her expression remained totally impassive but Imogen could sense the sarcasm and mocking laced underneath. And with that she disappeared on the spot.
"Oh har-de-har!"
Imogen couldn't help but wish she could do the same –the whole situation had been an embarrassment of great proportions: one which she would probably never live down. Swallowed by the ground, disappear into thin air; anything seemed like a good option.
Hobbling over to her bed, she sat down, glad to take the weight off her ankle and mentally made a list of things to never do again.
Sing. And not only that, but sing songs with suggestive lyrics … aloud at least. Especially not with Constance Hardbroom about.
Dance in the shower … accident waiting to happen (as now proven)
Allow (not that she even had!) Davina Bat near anything of hers with stickers. Ever!
Flopping down on the pillow, she banged her head against the wall as her eyes surveyed her new bathroom décor. She must be nuts to work here.
Quackers, even!