Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC
Content: Boyd and Grace
Rating: T
Hey everyone. Well my muse has decided to play hide and seek with me and as I had my eyes closed counting to ten I thought I would attempt to lure it back with this. As seems to be the norm with me it is a teensy weensy bit angst ridden (I promise I am actually a happy person in RL!) Also I couldn't think of a title … so please forgive the one that it has! Thanks as always for taking time to read it – I know how busy life can be and really appreciate your time and would love to hear your feedback. To the lovely new friends that I have met on here & FB …. This one's for you! xx
Via Ex Ruina
Grace closed the door firmly before turning her back to it and sliding down its length, collapsing in undignified sobs on the cold tiled hall floor. This is what she wanted wasn't it? She needed to take back control, control that she had too readily given to him time and time again. For the sake of her sanity she needed to take this decision, cleanse herself from the destructive hold he had over her. The clarity that once reigned in her mind had become marred and tainted by the darkness he weightily carried around with him like an unwanted Spector. She knew he didn't choose it, knew that he wished more than anything to emerge from the black barrenness that had somehow engulfed his soul. As a psychologist she was skilled in helping patients trace their feelings to the root cause and work through the process with them until they found their way back. As a friend, a partner, her judgement was undeniably clouded.
Of course she knew exactly which events had led him to now wander aimlessly through the bleak, un-trodden wilderness but she was completely powerless to help. He had denied her access to go to where he was, and forbidden to walk the path he walked she couldn't reach him. On the rare occasions he had stayed the whole night he had almost always woken her as he restlessly dreamt, horrors she could only imagine. Writhing and tossing like a caged animal contained only by the paralyses of sleep. Beads of perspiration on his forehead glistening like diamonds in the moonlight, the murmurings of a tormented soul escaping unknowingly from his lips. Wherever he was, she was in no doubt that he was in hell, his own personal hell of hurt and loss. If he woke he reached for her, holding tightly as if she too would disappear in some cruel twist of fate. His breathing was fast and erratic as he tried to pull himself back into the present world away from the ghosts of the past, present and undoubtedly future which haunted him incessantly, remorselessly. Recently it mattered not if awake or asleep, the increasingly dark presence relentlessly pressed down on him as his mind screamed silently in the agony of regret. Luke standing just out of reach, fear flooding from his eyes as he calls to him, a son begging his father to pull him back from the edge of oblivion. Boyd lunges, longing to hold him one more time, save him from the darkness, but he's too late. Night after night, day after day the raw, unbridled pain constricts around his heart like a noose squeezing the life from his spirit.
Grace knew this torment of his soul and torture of his mind was the reason behind his black moods and indeed his unwillingness to commit. He couldn't bear to loose someone else from his life so he acted with a nonchalance towards her, holding her at arms length, never letting her close except on those nights when in the disorientation between the unconscious and conscious he reaches for her and relinquishes his protective armour releasing his guard. When he pulls her to himself, she can feel his form uncontrollably shake against hers, and the wetness of his tears on her neck. Silently he tries to tell her, tell her how important she is to him, how he loves her, how he is in love with her. Words he won't allow himself to utter, but here in the midst of the night are implied wholeheartedly. It is in these moments that Grace melts, her heart breaking for the man who is wrapped in her arms unable to find his way out of the despair that has encompassed him. The outside world assumes that he uses her, picks her up when he needs to feel wanted, to feel that release, yet holds her afar when he's taken what he needed. Sometimes Grace in her lowest moments painfully allows herself to admit that she agrees with the world. Tonight is one of those nights.
It was very late in the evening when she heard the familiar knock on her front door. She knew that only he would think nothing of calling so late at night, and as she opened it the fire in his eyes told her that he wasn't in the mood for talking. Even in the midst of her expectation his swift fluid movement took her by surprise as he stepped forward snaking his arm forcibly around her waist firmly pulling her tight into himself. His lips found hers, her breath catching as the taste of whisky and musk seductively played with her senses. He didn't wait to be invited in, no tonight Peter Boyd had no time for the constraints of politeness as he pushed her roughly back through the door and into the large entrance hall of her Victorian home. There was no doubt of what he wanted, what he expected and Grace found herself once more a willing participant. Unrestrained desire and urgency drove him, his hands pulling at her clothes almost frantically as he sought to feel her skin against his. Quick, unloving and powered by his possessive need, leaving Grace feeling empty.
Boyd took a step back running his hands roughly through his hair.
"I should go, it's late." He said quietly. His dismissive words pierced Grace's heart and she felt tears begin to well in her eyes.
"You can't keep doing this Boyd." She replied starkly trying to keep her voice from shaking.
"Doing what?" He shrugged confusion rising in his eyes.
"Coming round here whenever you feel like it, always on your terms."
"Well I didn't hear you complaining a moment ago."
"That's not the point." She shook her head slowly.
"It's exactly the point, we're grown-ups Grace, we knew exactly what we were doing, what this was when we started it, didn't we?"
Grace searched his face longing for confirmation that what just happened between them meant more to him than he was conceding, but his expression did not betray him. She dropped her gaze towards the floor, her tone slightly more than a whisper as she voiced the words she never thought she would say.
"I'm just not sure I can do this anymore Peter."
"I can assure you Dr Foley that you can most certainly can." Boyd grinned moving closer trying to lighten the mood as an unexplainable deep sense of dread tightened around his stomach.
"Don't Boyd." Grace sidestepped from his reach. "I'm serious, this has got to stop."
"Why?" He shrugged again.
"Don't you know?"
"No, enlighten me eh!"
"Well if you don't know by now, there's no point in me trying to explain. Just leave Boyd; I'll see you at work tomorrow." The annoyance she was feeling intensifying in her voice as she spoke.
"I'm not going anywhere not until you tell me what's going on Grace." His tone rising leaving her in no doubt that he wasn't going to leave.
"Just leave it Boyd."
"No, Grace, come on tell me ...please." He softened.
"I'm not sure I can ..."
"What? Of course you can, you can tell me anything, you know that, don't you?" He reached for her hand.
"Yeah, but ..."
"But what? You're not making any sense here Grace. One minute we're... well you know... and everything is great and the next you're telling me you can't do this anymore. Help me out here please, because I'm damned if I know what you're talking about."
"You really are clueless sometimes aren't you!"
"Evidently so!" His hands gesturing widely.
"Seriously Boyd, let it go. It's late we're both tired and you've been drinking so this is probably not the best time ..."
"It's a perfect time ... start talking Grace. I told you, I'm not leaving until you do."
Grace folded her arms subconsciously across her body dropping her head as she did. "It's just getting too blurred Boyd, I can't separate things anymore."
"What things?"
"My feelings, emotions. How you are with me at work, how you are on nights like this when you call round expecting me to drop everything..."
"Oh come on ... I don't expect ..."
"... you know, the times I really long for are the nights when you stay, when for the briefest of moments you let me in and it feels, oh I don't know ... normal!"
"But this is what we wanted!"
"No Boyd this is what you wanted! I just thought I could handle it because I'd rather have a small piece of you than nothing at all."
"So what's change then?"
"I realised that a small piece of you is not enough not when I ..." Her voice trailed off as she diverted her gaze once again from him.
"When you what? Grace?"
"Look it doesn't matter, just go."
"Obviously it does matter, so come on ... when you what?"
Grace searched his face intently, knowing if she voiced the words she was thinking then she would never be able to take them back. Slowly and deliberately she continued.
"When I ... when I have fallen in love with you, alright ... I'm in love with you Boyd! Happy now?"
Boyd's eyes held her gaze as he let her words wash over him. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came. Sighing deeply as he rubbed his hands over his face until he finally broke the silence.
"I should go."
"Not exactly the response I was hoping for, but I suppose I should have expected nothing less. Goodnight Boyd!" Grace replied harshly reaching over to open the front door. Boyd's hand reached up to stop the door from opening fully, turning to Grace as he spoke.
"What do you expect me to do Grace eh? I thought you understood, that you knew all I could offer."
"All you WANT to offer you mean."
"No, I ..."
"You need help Boyd. You have shut yourself off from feeling anything other than anger and remorse."
"Oh please don't even try to analyse this Grace, not right now okay!"
"A blind man could see what you're doing."
"Is that right!" He said sardonically.
"Just leave Boyd, this is getting us no-where. Don't worry about it. I have allowed myself to get into this mess and I will get myself out of it, so there is no need for you to feel guilty or under any obligation. We'll just forget it ever happened."
"And that's what you want is it?"
"Yes that's what I want!"
He threw his hands up in the air sighing deeply in exasperation. "Fine, I'll see you tomorrow eh?"
"Goodnight Boyd." Grace sharply replied slamming the door behind him.
The coldness of the tiles beneath her only added to the chill that was now rushing through her veins. She closed her eyes against the tears. She knew that she needed to do this, but the thought of not having him in her life, not feeling his touch or kiss, it was unbearable. Her heart was heavier than she ever felt it, weighed down by pain, hurt, and loss. There was no doubt she was in love with Boyd, she couldn't deny it, not even to herself, but every time he behaved this way it crushed her. She longed for the moments when he held her close in the night as he tried to fight the demons in his mind. It was in these moments that she could fool herself to believe his feelings were as intense as hers. Somehow she had thought she would be the one who would be able to break through his defences, help him leave the dark destructive path he was on and save him, but she had failed.
The great Grace Foley, who did I think I was that I would be able save him?
Now she had lost everything. Her chest heaved in sobs as the stark realisation coursed through her. She didn't know if she would be able to deal with the pain of seeing him almost daily, knowing they had shared the most intimate of relationships, but now ... Everything within her was crying out taunting her that she had made a mistake letting him walk out the door. She looked around the hallway where moments earlier he stood. Would that have been enough for her? Surely having him in her arms even for a fleeting moment was better than never feeling his touch again, but she knew she wasn't strong enough, she knew that he was slowly breaking her heart.
The soft tap at the door startled her. Pulling herself gently of the floor she wiped her eyes with her finger tips before cautiously opening the door. Her eyes met with his, the intensity burning like a fire and for a moment his vulnerability poured into her as they silently exchanged souls. Tentatively he stepped towards her, his heart gladdened as she didn't pull away. He closed the gap between them until finally leaning his forehead against hers.
"Help me Grace ….. please." He whispered.
She immediately reached up for him holding him close to herself as her arms engulfed him.
"Promise me … promise that you'll let me in Peter."
"I promise ….. I don't want to lose you Grace, please don't leave me." He said softly tightening his grip on her.
"I won't." She replied her tears falling easily.
He pulled back and looked at her tenderly as he wiped her tears with his thumb. "I'm so sorry Grace, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I never intended …"
"Sssh …." She silenced him. "You don't need to apologise Peter, just don't shut me out."
He reached down and kissed her softly, his lips caressing hers. Delicately he stroked her face. "I do love you Grace, you do know that don't you?"
Grace pulled his face towards hers and kissed him once again drawing him back into the hallway with her before closing the door.
Viv Ex Ruina – The Road From Destruction