Is That A Headcrab In Your Pocket? (Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?)

Summary: Gordon and Barney set out on an epic journey to fix what they have wronged... and for headcrabs.
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: ©, Valve.
Chapter Name: In Which Headcrabs Are Slain
More Notes: Sorry if it's filled with much crack, the idea behind this just humors me greatly for some reason. Lamarr would never stand a chance against Freeman's highly advanced headcrab killing instincts.

Barney Calhoun flipped the wrench from hand to hand, absently shrugging his coat higher on his shoulders to help ward off the midwinter chill that clung in the concrete hallways of Black Mesa East. Humming a vague jaunty tune, Barney searched for one Gordon Freeman.

Once the events of City 17 had calmed down slightly, Freeman had easily found his niche in the close knit group ('Sometimes too close.' Barney thought with a snort.) that made theirs lives in Black Mesa East. Helpful, quiet and unobtrusive, Gordon had much to add and did little to disturb... usually.

After his last supply run, Freeman had returned with a large crate of pulse rifle ammo, an airboat that had gained a few more ticks and quite a bit more dings then it had on it's way out, and a rather traumatized civilian refugee. Gordon had quickly achieved a reputation among the denizens of Black Mesa East of driving any vehicle with a certain lack of personal safety that bordered on insane, as well as a bad habit of forgetting to warn his passengers to 'hold on'.

Barney was off to (ahem) 'recruit' Freeman into helping him tune up the airboat after the beating it had taken with the young theoretical physicist behind the wheel. If he could only find where he was.

He eventually found him (After checking the shooting range, the crowded living area with the mass of people huddled around a tiny space heater, Freeman's room, his own room, Alyx's room (don't ask), and the vortigaunt cook. ("This one does not know the current whereabouts of the Freeman.")) holed up in one of the many laboratory rooms, wedged in a corner with a clear view of the only way in or out, nose buried in a thick stack of papers.

Gordon's head rose upon Barney's entrance, a faint smile forming across narrow features in recognition and greeting.

"You can be a hard man to find, Gordon." Barney made his way across the room to Gordon's side, glancing down to take a peek at his reading material. All he could make out was tiny text and some large words he doubted he would understand any better even if they weren't upside down. "Whatcha reading?"

"Fifteen years worth of backlogged science journals."

Barney snorted, leaning against a large box of stored computer parts and rubbing his thumb along the chilled metal of the wrench in his hand. "Sounds engrossing."

Gordon's blinked owlishly from behind thick lensed glasses. "Entanglement is fascinating."

"If you say so, Doc. Dr. Kleiner has been trying to tell me that for years. Oh, by the way," Barney watched with deliberately feigned disinterest as Gordon set aside his papers. "The civilian you brought back, Tom Bevil? We got him settling in nicely."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it seems he's gotten over that potentially life scarring event where you jumped full throttle over the side of the dam."

Gordon glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.

"Without warning."

"Hm..."

"Damnit Doc, you do know there are easier ways to get back here from City 17!"

Gordon let the pause hang, carefully straightening his papers before turning to face Barney directly. "No one's ever shown me."

"I-" Barney blinked. "Well, you got me there. Either way-"

Scuttling in the ventilation duct above their heads was the only warning they got before the grating flew into the room with a clatter, followed by something small and round with legs. Barney let out a startled yelp, fumbling for the pistol secured in the shoulder holster underneath his coat, tripping over loose boxes about his feet.

Freeman reacted faster, though. Sweeping up the metal bar that had been leaning near his side, he swung hard. His aim was as deadly accurate as usual. The bar connected with a meaty thud, sending the little thing slamming into the ground with surprising force. It rolled once, then laid still.

In the ensuing silence, they both came to realize that what had just been slain use to be a living headcrab.

Barney re-holstered his gun, struggling out of the clutter. "Damn, Gordon." He nudged the headcrab with the toe of his boot. "Well, it's dead alright. Gimme that- is that a crowbar?"

Freeman glanced down at the thing in his hand, then shrugged.

Barney grinned a bit. "It is a crowbar! You carry a crowbar around with you when you go read boring science shit? What do ya expect to happen?"

The physicist cocked an eyebrow, and gave a slight head incline towards the headcrab.

Barney let out a short bark of laughter. "Fair enough. Lemme borrow your crowbar a minute. I want to check something out."

Handing it over, Gordon watched as Barney knelt beside the headcrab, using his newly acquired crowbar to carefully flip the small creature onto its back.

"It's Lamarr alright." Barney sighed.

Curiosity piqued, Freeman spoke up. "How do you know it's Lamarr?"

"See this?" The former security guard motioned at the gapping maw on the underside of the headcrab with the crowbar. "Its had its beaks removed. I've had this thing flying at my face enough times to know exactly what its suppose to look like. It's the Doc's pet head-humper alright." He sighed once more. "And I always wanted to be the one to kill the damn thing."

Gordon furrowed his brow, sniffing in the chilly air. "Then I'll just have to go inform Dr. Kleiner and apologize."

"What?!" Barney heaved himself to his feet, looking vaguely affronted. "You can't do that, the Doc loved this stupid headcrab. His old heart couldn't take it."

"But, Barney... it is dead."

"Yeeeah, that is a problem."

They both stared down at it.

"That settles it then!" Barney planted a fist on his hip, pointing the crowbar at Freeman with conviction. "We'll just have to go get him another one."

Gordon moved the crowbar to the side with fastidious fingers. "Another... headcrab?"

"Exactly. We'll go capture another, should be easy, there's a ton of them around, debeak it, and the Doc will never know the difference!"

"But-"

"No arguing with me about this, Gordon, it needs to be done. But first..." Barney poked at Lamarr's body again. "We have to get rid of the evidence."

Gordon sighed, using a thin hand to push his glasses into place. "Could I at least have my crowbar back?"

"What? Oh, yeah, sure." Moving to pass it back, Barney suddenly stopped, smirking full force at his bespectacled friend. "Wouldn't want you to loss this one as well and deprive you of your security blanket."

And Barney discovered that day that Freeman's glare could be surprisingly frightening.

Next Up!
In Which Difficulties Are Discovered And (Mostly) Dealt With
Alyx thinks the boys are acting suspiciously, and will Barney survive Gordon's buggy driving in the snow?