Happy Birthday, Mistah J!
This little fic was inspired by Gladrial10's Batman fic, "It's The Thought That Counts" which I can definitely recommend.
Okay, I'm not a hundred percent sure whether or not Harley Quinn is in Young Justice. I only just saw 'Humanity' earlier today, so if she is I have yet to meet her.
But whatever. She is in my fic, because this wouldn't work without her. And it needs to be Young Justice and not just Batman or something because – well, you'll see.
Disclaimer: Anything recognisable is not mine.
"I can't believe I'm even going to this stupid thing." Two-Face muttered, walking into the dreary warehouse.
At least it looked dreary from the outside. Just one of many abandoned storehouses on the road. Inside, though, it was brightly lit up with streamers and balloons hanging up everywhere.
Despite the fact that he was usually in two minds about everything, for once both sides of him were in complete agreement that neither wanted to be there.
"Me either." Scarecrow sighed behind him.
Scarecrow glanced at his scarred sometimes-rival-occasional-ally. "Blackmail for you?"
"Yep. What did he call you in for?"
"Since I'm at this stupid place, you'll never find out."
"Good point." Two-Face conceded, flipping his coin absentmindedly as the two Gothamite villains went up to meet their 'host'.
"Happy Birthday." Scarecrow said dryly, dropping a present in front of the clown.
Joker cackled. "For me? You shouldn't have."
"Tell me about it." Two-Face muttered, handing him his own parcel.
"Aaw, I'm wounded." Joker pouted, putting a hand across his heart.
"Not badly enough. I don't see any blood." Two-Face rolled his eyes.
The Riddler walked in then, swinging his question-mark cane. "What does every happy birthday end in?" He queried, dropping a box wrapped in green wrapping paper with black question marks all over it.
"Everyone leaving?" Scarecrow drawled.
"Technically the answer was the letter 'y', but yours was pretty good too."
"The wrapping paper so you don't need to bother writing a card for everyone to know whose it is?" Mr. Freeze smirked, glancing over as he took another sip of beer.
The Riddler didn't dignify that with a response – mainly because he couldn't think of one.
Two-Face walked over to the bar. The clown henchman behind it shifted his feet uncomfortably. "What do you want?" He asked.
"Oh, a lot of things. The Bat's head on a plate would be nice… but since I doubt you've got that behind your bar, I'll have a gin on the rocks instead."
The henchman nodded nervously and began to make the drink.
"So what did the Bat do to you to make the first thing you thought of his head?" Scarecrow asked.
Two-Face shrugged. "Nothing too unusual for him, just put a coupla my men behind bars, a few more in the hospital and broke up my newest scheme."
"Huh. When was that?" Freeze asked.
"Just last night-"
"Can we please not talk about the Bat at my birthday party?" Joker snapped, looking testy even for him.
The villains rolled their eyes. "Fine."
"Hey, where's Harley anyhow?" Riddler asked.
"Dunno. Disappeared three hours ago." Joker crossed his arms, a sulky expression on his face.
Right on cue, the clown girl skipped into the warehouse, pushing a huge present in front of her.
Seriously, huge. She had to push it on a trolley. It was about a metre high and a little bit longer wide and long. It also looked exactly like a stereotypical birthday present, complete with gaudy colours, a slightly larger lid and a bit bow on the middle with a label poking out.
"Hi Mistah J!" Harley Quinn squealed, skipping. She pushed the huge box over to the other pile of presents. "I'm sorry I'm late!"
"What's in the box?" Riddler blinked.
Harley giggled. "That's the point, though, isn't it? It's a secret – a special surprise for my puddin that I know he'll love!"
"Okay. Let me rephrase that." Riddler stepped back. "Are those airholes? And – is it rattling?"
Sure enough, the box was moving slightly from side to side. Inside there was animal noises coming out – a sort of 'mmm-mmffm' noise.
"Uh-uh-uh." Harley waved her finger. "That would be unfair for me to tell anyone before my puddin finds out!"
Then she looked at the 'birthday boy' – if, indeed, it was his birthday. "I'm sorry, I know what you really wanted but I couldn't get it. So I just had to settle for the next best thing, which I'm sure you'll just love to play with anyway."
"Have I missed the cake yet?" She changed the subject abruptly, bouncing in joy.
"Not yet." Joker gave a sly smile at his (for lack of a better word) girlfriend. "But since I don't think anyone else is coming… we'd better bring it out." The clown gave a theatrical sigh. "I guess I will just have to use some of my little information collected on those who didn't show. Although I think that Mad Hatter got caught by dear old Batsy a few nights ago… oh well. He still should have made it."
There was a loud movement and two clown henchmen pushed a cake in.
The cake itself was decorated to look like the Joker's face, complete with green hair and grotesque smile.
The other villains glanced at it in a mixture of disgust and exasperation while Harley jumped up and down in delight.
"Anyone allergic?" Joker said, casually picking up the cake knife and twirling it between his fingers.
"Nup."
"No…"
"No."
"Of course not, puddin!"
Three of the villains were more concerned with whether or not the Joker would throw the knife if they gave an excuse not to eat the cake. Harley was a special exception who probably would have eaten the cake smiling even if she was deathly allergic to it.
"Riddle me this – how old are you, exactly?"
"How would I know?" Joker shrugged. "I just picked today as my birthday about three years ago. I just grabbed a random day out of a hat, and so here we are."
"Of course you did." Two-Face grimaced.
"Like you're one to talk. You let chance decide everything." Freeze pointed out.
Two-Face shrugged, unable to be bothered to give his regular explanation speech. He flipped his coin again casually.
The Joker calmly placed the knife against his cake self.
"Wait Mr. J! We have to sing happy birthday!" Harley said, catching his wrist lightly.
"You're right." Joker paused, knife gently digging in. "And I forgot to get the candles, too. Honestly, you plan it all out and you even write a list but there's always something you forget to do. Well, that and the dynamite."
"Oh, no problem Mistah J! I brought candles!" Harley said in delight.
"Mmm-mmmrrrrff!" Whatever was in the box howled, hitting against the side of the present again. It rattled heavily.
"Huh. Looks like he's getting angry." Harley shrugged, picking up a box of candles. "Oh well. He'll just have to deal with it until my puddin's ready to open it."
"What is that?" Freeze asked, eyeing the present nervously.
"Just the second best thing that I could get my puddin! The best thing never turned up, so I just had to go with this instead but I'm sure he'll loveit anyway!"
"Rrffrr-mm-mmmff!" The box rattled.
"How many candles are you putting on it if he doesn't know his own age?" Riddler asked, trying to change the subject.
Harley giggled. "I think the whole packet would work. What do you think, Mr. J?"
"That works." The Joker shrugged.
Harley pulled all fifteen candles out and gently inserted them onto cake-Joker's hair. She picked up a match and then lit them all in a fluid motion.
"Happy Birthday to you," She sung loudly and with enthusiasm. "Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday my dear Mr. Jaaayyy, Happy Birthday to you!"
She didn't notice or care that no-one else joined in the singing.
"Happy birthday to me!" Joker cackled, blowing out the candles.
"Now time for eating the cake." He added, picking up the knife. In a few lithe movements he'd sliced six pieces off. "Harley, be a dear and pass me the plates, would you?"
"Of course puddin!"
Joker began to put the cake on the plates when a huge crash caught everyone's attention.
The villains all looked up to see a boy wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans standing in front of them, having smashed a hole in the wall.
"Sorry. Are we gatecrashing?" He growled.
A yellow and red blur shot next to him. A green girl turned visible. A blonde girl wearing green somersaulted to the ground and nocked an arrow. A dark-skinned boy pulled two swords made out of water out from his back.
For a second the villains were stunned. Then in unison they all aimed their weapons at the teenage superheroes.
"Oh, lookie! It's the junior Justice squad!" Joker cackled, standing up. "What? Did Batsy send you in after little old me to ruin my birthday party?"
"Where is he?" The Martian girl demanded, her eyes gleaming white.
"Where is who?" Joker blinked, genuinely stumped. "Batsy?"
Aqualad glanced around at his team. The villains were unsure if he sent a telepathic order or something, but the heroes all leaped forwards together.
Miss. Martian soared over and raised a hand. The Riddler was thrown away and crashed against a wall.
Kid Flash was running in circles around Mr. Freeze, who was attempting to send out ice at him. Naturally, he was failing.
Artemis punched Harley Quinn in the face, aiming an arrow at her neck. The clown girl did a cartwheel out of the way.
Superboy just walked through Two-Face's bullets, which bounced easily off his body. Superman's – what? Son? Nephew? Cousin? Clone? – grabbed the scarred villain's gun and threw it with superstrength against a wall.
Aqualad, however, had gone after the Joker. Joker was throwing gas pellets at him, laughing maniacally. Aqualad caught them with a whip of water and hydrokinetically threw them to the side before they exploded.
"Where. Is. He." Artemis hissed, digging the arrow harder in Harley's throat. She wasn't drawing blood yet but the pressure was uncomfortable and threatening.
Harley's only response was to kick out hard, hitting the archer in the stomach. The blonde girl stumbled backwards as the clown girl jumped to her feet, laughing.
"Mmmm-mmmm!" Harley's present shouted, shaking from side to side.
Superboy broke off from his fight with Two-Face. "You have got to be kidding me." He grumbled, staring.
Taking a leap, he jumped over the duelling Atlantean and clown and landed next to the present. He reached forwards and ripped the lid off.
He glanced over at Harley, who was advancing on Artemis. "Well, it's original, I'll give you that."
"You can't do that!" Harley shrieked. "That's my puddin's birthday present! You can't steal it! It's his!"
"Superboy, this is not the time." Aqualad snapped, jumping backwards from a bomb that Joker threw at him.
Superboy ignored him and reached into the present.
The entire battle seemed to freeze as there was a snapping noise as chains were broken. Then Superboy pulled Robin out of the present.
"Mmm-mmm-mmmff!" Robin snapped, duct-tape over his mouth. His hands and legs were chained and his cape was missing. His mask and utility belt, however, were still there.
"You… got him… Robin?" Kid Flash said, stunned into stopping. He gaped, looking from Harley to the Boy Blunder.
"Well, I tried to get my Mistah J the big, bad Bat instead, but he never turned up. Instead the little birdie did, so I figured that I'd have to make do." Harley shrugged.
"Gee, thanks." Robin drawled as Superboy ripped the duct-tape off his face.
Superboy grabbed the chains around his hands and snapped them. Then he grabbed the ones shackling his ankles and ripped them.
"Can you stand?" Superboy asked, holding the Boy Wonder steady.
"Barely… ow." Robin stretched his arms. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
Aqualad jumped backwards, whipping his water at the Joker. "We need to go!" He stated firmly.
"Yeah. Come on." Superboy grabbed Robin tightly and jumped. The two smashed through the ceiling.
"Artemis!" Miss Martian soared towards the archer who was shooting at Harley Quinn. "Come on!"
Artemis glanced into the air and jumped up. The Martian girl caught her by the hand and the two flew out the ceiling through Superboy's hole.
Kid Flash shot forwards and grabbed Aqualad. "We're outta here!" He stated, and then both vanished in a blur.
The villains stayed tense for a moment, and then slowly relaxed their guards.
"You… got Joker… the Boy Blunder?" Riddler blinked, staring at Harley.
Harley nodded, tears streaking down her face. "I'm sorry Mistah J!" She wailed. "I wanted to get you a present you would really love, but now I ruined your birthday! I'm sorry!"
Joker cackled and slid an arm around her neck. "You kidding, Harley? I always love a chance to play with the Baby Justice League."
"Really, Mistah J?" Harley looked up, brightening.
"Mm-hmm." The Joker dropped his voice to a husky purr. "And I know another way you can make it up to me later."
With a squeal of delight Harley hugged him. "Thank you Mistah J!"
"I think I'm going to be sick." Two-Face groaned.
"If that's how you feel, you can go." Joker told him as Harley eagerly jumped onto his lap.
"With pleasure." The scarred villain spun around and walked out.
"Yeah. Better go before the Bat turns up too." Scarecrow agreed, leaving.
Freeze and the Riddler left too, until there were only the two clowns wrapped tightly together in the broken warehouse.
"I cannot tell you how grateful I am." Robin winced as Conner let him down. The Boy Wonder supported himself against the wall of the alley they had sheltered in. "Seriously, thank you. I was in that box for hours."
"Harley Quinn thought that you would be a good birthday present?" Artemis raised an eyebrow.
"Apparently." Robin winced, stretching.
"How'd she even catch you, anyway?" Wally asked.
Robin shrugged. "Spread a rumour about a drug run that was going on. Supposed to be a meeting this morning. Killer Croc had decided to destroy a building for some reason earlier, and so Batman sent me on alone while he dealed with Croc. Harley jumped me, caught me by surprise, I woke up in the box."
"Well, I suppose you couldn't really expect her to plan a normal birthday present." Artemis shrugged. "I wonder what you would get a psychotic lunatic for their birthday?"
"So, what. Did Batman send you to rescue me or did you… I don't know… overhear that I was stuck there?" Robin asked, doing a cartwheel to try and work some of the kinks out of his limbs. His foot connected with a wall and he winced, still managing to flip himself upright.
"Batman sent us. He was really busy with Killer Croc and Penguin." M'gann answered. "There's a tracker in your utility belt."
"Yeah, I know. It's not exactly reliable and can be turned off by pretty much anything, but it's definitely there."
"Robin, there's a birthday card on your back." Artemis realised. She pulled it off.
"To Mister J. Happy Birthday! I'm sure you can have a lot of fun with this present! Sorry I couldn't get the Bat, but I hope you'll like the birdie all the same. Left the mask so you can find out who he is! Sure you'll love the cool toys in the belt. Love from Harley-Warlie." The blonde archer read, frowning with disgust.
"Harley-Warlie?" M'gann blinked.
"It's a pet-name she probably gave herself." Kaldur explained.
Kid Flash shot forwards and caught the card. "Souvenir."
"Where were you?" Batman growled from behind Robin, turning up from the shadows of the alley.
The other members of the team started. Robin slowly turned around and looked up at his mentor. "Hi Batman." He said dejectedly.
"What happened?" Batman folded his arms and narrowed his eyes at his ward.
"Hehe…" Robin shifted his feet uncomfortably. "Harley Quinn… wanted to give me to the Joker as a birthday present." He said the words in a rush.
There weren't many times that Batman was surprised. This was one of them.
"Here's the card." Kid Flash shot forwards and handed it to the Dark Knight, despite the glower from Robin.
Batman read through the card and sighed. "Where's your cape?"
Robin shrugged. "Harley Quinn stole it. I don't know why. I just woke up without it."
Batman rolled his eyes. "You're not going on patrol for two nights."
"Oh, come on Batman. She just caught me by surprise, and anyway the party's over now so she won't even still be after me…" Robin protested.
"No arguments. Come on." Batman fired a grappling hook into the air, and then vanished.
"See ya." Robin sighed, firing his own grappling hook.
He looked slightly odd flying off without a cape, but that wasn't the weirdest thing they'd seen that day.
"Hey!" Wally realised. "Batman stole the birthday card! I was going to use that as a souvenir!"
Five minutes later, Batman and Robin arrived back at the bat-cave.
"So, today's the Joker's birthday?" Batman clarified.
"As far as I know." Robin shrugged. "I can't wait for next year." He added sarcastically. "As it is I've already been scarred for life when it comes to birthday parties."
"…Go to bed Robin."
"Fine. Just promise me that you'll never ever ever throw me a surprise birthday party. Not that you would, but still."
"Fine. I promise. Now go to bed."
So, did you like it? Review then!