Vehicular Homicide

A/N: Inspired by a story on 9News about a girl (Cheerleader) who died via vehicular homicide. I was reading HP6 at the time (alternating between paying attention to the TV and reading the book) when I realized it would be funny if voldy died via vehicular homicide via Harry. I told Kate and we outlined it together.

NOTE TO Kate:

Sorry we're so far away from each other, love! I miss you, my Kate!!!! I've gotten my mom to put money on the phone card so I can call you once the money gets put on the card, aka: next paycheck. I'll probably be able to call you either next week of the one after. I'm assuming I'll call your cell, but if not, give me a number to reach you by? The phone card will cover the cost for me and the persons-I'm callings-home-line, but I'm unsure about cell phones.

Love you, Kate!!!!

-Ahem. Also, love to the readers. Enjoy…?

-Cozy

Harry woke to an uncomfortable pressure on his neck; the feeling of a wand pushed too tightly against his jugular. He rolled his eyes from side to side until he caught sight of a familiar reptilian face, and sighed. Of all the nights to fall asleep in the park…

[Normal insert of angsty drivel about his relatives and their mistreatment of him and thus the reason he took the risk of being in the park so late

"Hello, Potter," the Dark Lord, in fact, seemed quite cheery, a bit like a five year old with his favorite treat. Harry made a mental note to ask about current muggle/wizard ratio when he valiantly fought his way out of (or was rescued from) the current problematic situation.

Harry felt his legs swing off of the bench of their own accord, and sighed inwardly. He hadn't even felt the imperious curse beginning to take affect. (And they expected him to defeat the lizard! A tall order, by his way of thinking. Oh well at least Snape agreed with him…)

He soon found himself—with no memory of how he had gotten there) standing in front of a hot red sports car, the name of which evading him at the precise moment.

Severus Snape was stationed beside it, and Harry glowered at the man as best he could, although, with recent voldemort sightings and attempted captures, this was getting quite old.

"I'm afraid we'll be resorting to a more mundane method of travel, for any magic used within a hundred miles of your block will be considered underage, since you are the only wizard in this part of town," voldemort said in a friendly way as he stopped in front of Snape.

He rather felt like they were a type of dysfunctional family that got together frequently and managed to just kill each other before their rather distant relatives broke them apart or rescued them from one another.

Just then, voldemort stamped his foot into the ground like a very impatient, immature five year old, and pouted.

"Severus! I don't know how to drive!" he whined, and Harry took time to wonder how they had arrived in the first place, as well as how they obtained the car. After a few moments of contemplation, Harry chocked it up to half-assed plots and poor execution on the author's part, of course.

"Well I don't necessarily know how to, either," muttered Snape, looking oddly like a disgruntled parent who was, for whatever reason, allowing their child to attempt to go through with a rather silly and not-well-thought-out plan.

Then, simultaneously, they both looked at Harry, whose eyes widened. He felt an invisible and disturbing hand sift through his thoughts, and soon Voldemort withdrew, clapping his hands together in front of himself and bouncing excitedly.

"He even has his permit!" The Dark Lord said happily, climbing into the passenger seat and motioning for Snape to get in back. The potions master did so, grumbling, as Harry unwillingly walked around the car to the driver's seat. After sitting unmoving for three full minutes, Snape leaned forward slightly to mutter at Voldemort.

"Perhaps to use skill that the spellcaster does not possess, those under the imperious curse cannot perform them without the curse first being lifted," he suggested quietly. Voldemort glared at Snape sullenly and flicked his wand, undoing the spell.

"Where to?" Harry sighed, resigned to play Voldemort's game for the time being.

"To my secret lair of eeeevil!!!!" voldy declared punching his fist into the air and making a 'cha-cha!' sound. Snape sighed and told Harry to go straight until told otherwise. Harry nodded and started the car, resigned to driving himself to his [probably impending doom.

He buckled his seatbelt and Snape, in back, mirrored his motions, and when they had done this, they both looked at voldemort, waiting for him to do the same. Voldy looked indignant and outraged as his eyes moved between the two.

"I am the Dark Lord Voldemort! I will not be confined by muggle safety harnesses!!!" he yelled at them, crossing his arms defensively as if they would force his struggling body back against the seat and wrap him in the disgusting grey things.

Snape and Harry, however, merely shrugged a suit-yourself-shrug as they began to move, looking ahead into the dim night as the car slid forward with an almost silent purr.

They had been driving for only a half-an-hour, but at Harry's not-exactly-legal-speed (Could it be he was eager for sexual and physical torture?) they were making good time, now traveling through the woods and whipping around sharp corners.

They were speeding down a long stretch of road when all three of the cars occupants realized that there was an animal in the road.

Snape, it is safe to assume, facepalmed, whereas Voldemort clapped his hands in the anticipation of blowing the moose—for it was now clearly a moose—to smithereens.

The most crucial person of this tale; the driver, who happened to be lover of all animals and plants and good-guy-in-general-until you-puke and all that rot, immediately slammed on the breaks, sending everyone forward into their seatbelts.

Everyone, except, the man who did not buckle up.

Certain things flash through the minds of people at the oddest moments, and this, my friends, was one of those times.

Harry, of course, was remembering all of the commercials, safety talks, and movies about not buckling up, as well as wondering when he would be able to take his next shower. Whereas Snape was happily entertained—within the recesses of his brain, mind you—with kuma brand smiley medicine, furry little rabbits, and, of course, the soldier-star-chicken stroke, which is to be used in the pool when no other stroke is available.

As far as voldemort is concerned, it is quite hard to say what he was thinking at the time. It could be anywhere from:

"Ah! Moose!"

To "I wonder if I should pick up my dry cleaning on the way to my Secret Evil Lair of Doom?"

Or, perhaps even "Snape! This is all YOUR fault!!!!"

We perhaps may never know.

As the car stopped, created bruises across two men's chest, and in general made a lot of squealing and unhappy-car noises, Voldemort, the Dark Lord of all evil and impending doom-ness, flew forward, forward, and kept flying. He was literally airborne as he crashed through the window and over the car's hood, sending safety glass every which way, and generally making a mess of the rather nice car he had probably stolen. When the two men cleared their vision of flying particles and spectacular flying reptiles, they saw before them a spectacular sight.

Voldemort [Insert evil title here, was splayed over the moose—who, going against all natural animal instincts, had not moved—and was twitching violently. When the quakes had subsided, they two men looked at each other. Voldemort [evil title was speared straight through the heart on the rather blunt antler of the poor, traumatized moose. One antler, and then another, had impaled the Dark Lord of evil-ness, leaving him…dead.

The moose, evidently snapped out of its stupor, sprinted off into the woods with the Dark Lord bobbing above its head ominously until they were both out of sight.

Shocked silence infiltrated the car until Snape was heard muttering his soon-to-be-famous line:

" 'The boy-who-lived vanquishes Dark Lord via vehicular homicide'; who would have thought?"

Harry laughed slightly and said 'yeah…' very quietly before turning around to look at Snape with a lighthearted and mischievous expression.

"So," he said, making sure he had the man's attention. "How about sex?" Snape looked to the side, out the left window and into the black night, making his profile look as aloof as possible.

"That sounds agreeable," he said quietly, and Harry grinned.

And that was

THE END

A/N: XD I crack myself up sometimes…..so….review? I've got my other little comedy; "Of fish and orange ferret wheels" (or something to that nature) coming up soon, as soon as I remember to type it….it's been in my notebook for ages….

Well, lots of love, Reviews, and puppy dog kisses!

-Cozy