Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or it's characters. Nor do i own Ichigo. But if Kubo Tite wants to be a little generous, this Christmas, I'm right here.
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I have 13 freaking days for a Christmas vacation and i'm soooo bored and i don't feel like studying already for the next quarter, so i wrote THIS, which is actually my first attempt at humor after the Periodical Examinations.
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Jinta was mopping the floor of Urahara's shop.
'Damn chores' he thought. 'Abarai - kun, that irritating and somewhat awesome --- musn't tell anyone that, freeloader, came in and left some friggin mud on the floor'.
He sighed. 'Just where was that jerk now?'
He saw Renji running out of the shop with Ichigo, that short white - haired captain and his sizzling fukutaichou.
"Hoooy, Jinta, you missed a spot!!" Renji called back as the door slammed behind him.
Jinta took the mop and threw it against the door "Goddamn!!". The spotless floor was now dirty all over again.
"Jinta - kun, if Urahara - san or anyone else will hear you curse --" Ururu said in that timid voice of hers.
"So what?" Jinta asked. "They ain't here, right?"
"But still---"
Jinta hit Ururu with a broom. "Shut up and help me clean"
"Gomen ne" Ururu apologized "But Urahara - san instructed me to help with dinner since a lot of people will be eating here"
"Hmph" Renji grumbled. "More freeloaders".
The door opened and Yuzu came in, wearing that big smile on her face. "Ohayo, Jinta - kun! Ururu-san!" she cheerfully said.
"Yuzu, you came here for something?" Jinta asked.
"Hai" Yuzu said "We're almost out of stock at home, and Onii - chan seems to have a bigger appetite that usual. He's already taking up food to his room, so Otosan gave me money to go grocery shopping again"
"Well, Ichigo - san is growing up to be more like a man" Jinta poses, flexing his "muscles".
"Well," Yuzu said. "Onii - chan might be gay though"
"Nani?"
"Onii - chan might be gay. I've found some of my dresses in his room while i was cleaning it. Strange enough, i also found a pair of high heels, a tube of lipstick and a pack of tampons"
Jinta sweatdropped. Tampons?
"Strange, really. I never guessed Onii - chan might be like that, with how he keeps fighting with Otosan. Well, it is almost Christmas and i thought of buying him something...something...well...something that he might find special"
Jinta frowned at this thought. A series of possible special things were running into his head. Make - up, dresses, brushes, maybe those new Anti - leakage super tampons? what was he using them for, anyway? Feeling, probably. If you feel like a woman, you think like a woman, or something of that sort.
Yuzu was still picking up things here and there and placing it into her shopping bag. "Ne, Jinta - kun, what are you doing for Christmas?"
"Christmas?"
"You know, Christmas"
"Oh, i don't know. The usual, i guess. Maybe the old man might cook a bigger feast coz Ururu says that this time, there'll be more people with us" Jinta shrugged.
"Ne, Jinta, do you like bears?"
"Bears?"
"Hai, bears"Yuzu was looking at him with her big, shiny eyes.
Jinta gave it some thought.
Bears were mean.
Bears were scary.
Bears had big, sharp paws.
Bears had big, sharp teeth.
Bears attacked other living creatures mercilessly.
Bears will kill you if you wear the right kind of perfume.
Bears ate people.
"Yeah, i guess i like bears" Jinta answered.
Yuzu took out a furry and soft white teddy bear with a big pink bow around it's neck (which isn't a suicide accessory, mind you)
"Merry Christmas!!" Yuzu flashed him a shiny, pearly - white smile. The bear had a cute little button nose and big bright pale blue eyes. The teddy bear's stomach had a big red heart on it.
Jinta screamed. "B-baka mono" he stuttered. "Never give a boy a stuffed toy"
"And if you push the big red heart..." continued. She pushed the red heart.
"I love you' the bear spoke. "Give me a hug"
Jinta stared at the creature, the evil spawn of Satan's dread forces who feeds on the lives of humans, hiding behind that saccharine smile and vile cuteness. He stared at it's eyes. They were the eyes of a molester...
"What... is it?" Jinta shuddered.
"He's not an it!!" Yuzu corrected him. "He's family"
Jinta twitched and shuddered at the thought of it being family.
"Yuzu" Jinta gasped. "Where did you get such a thing?"
"At Kiddie land, two blocks from here"
"K-Kiddie land?" Jinta stuttered. That was the place wherein sugar spelled Diabetes with a capital F. The home of Angels-on-high. That place of... Jinta tries to think of something sweet swirlies and puppies and whatnot. The sugary torture chamber for all children. The place where giant teddy bears are practically screaming 'Molest me!' or something of that sort. Kiddie land.
"Ne, ne, Jinta - kun" Yuzu said. "Look at this"
Jinta shook. There's more?
Yuzu pushed the heart again.
The teddy bear started to sing.
"I love you, You love me..."
From where you are, if you listen close enough, you can hear a ten year old boy screaming.
Yuzu frowned. Jinta had run outside screeching. She placed the teddy bear by the counter and walked back home with her full shopping bag. She shrugged. "And i always thought he was like Onii - chan"
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Okay, that was it.
I didn't proofread or make drafts so don't bite me that hard.
REVIEWS PLEASE!!! come on, it can be your Christmas gift to me :D
Oh yeah, and if those tampon comments flamed anyone, just so you know, those were my personal attacks towards those vicious items which through some unscientific reason makes cramps worse.