Hello to you all!~ Ciao!~

I have decided to write a Lovino Vargas Fanfiction. I don't know exactly what to say but a few things. In all of the Self Harm, Suicidal Fanfictions I have read for Lovino- I have noticed one thing; And that is that Feli hardly does anything. I know- I know what you are thinking. Feli can be a bit of a crybaby ( As can Lovino. ) But I honestly do not think that he is as oblivious as people make him out to be. I think he notices things but doesn't say anything. I think hes a bit more passive then he lets on. So in this story.. Feli's thoughts are brought into the light as well.

I honestly think Feli wants to be close to Romano, and has always wanted to be. They are brothers, and he does live with Romano. I just think one has a harder time expressing himself then the other. Just like normal siblings that have a hard time opening up their hearts to one another. I think Feli CAN fight with Lovino. I think Feli CAN get pissed off. And I think feli CAN notice the things with Lovino. So this is a story of.. yes.. a Very misunderstood Lovino. But Also a story of two brothers becoming a family after so many years of hurt and frustration.

Its mainly focused on Lovi and his struggles through life- Struggles a lot of us has faced ( I myself, included. ) Lovi is my favorite character. Hes easy to cry, easy to spout off.. and yet he has a heart that he does not like opening up to others. Possibly because of his self confidence issues, and insecurities.'

I hope you like this. Lovino, to me is a lovable, sensitive person. I think he's always wanted to be with his Nonno and his brother- DESPITE how he yells and curses in denial.

I think Lovino just wants to be loved and accepted by his family for WHO he is. So Please... Enjoy this.

'Author'

Skin burning with much-needed attention. Blue comatose veins bulging at the constant, aggressive rubbing that was placed on them. Puffy skin, raising up with each stroke of the hard nails that were being mercilessly dragged across the nice olive colored skin.

Nails that would be bite down to stubs, and then used as weapons on ones own self-esteem and conscious. A soft sound filled the air. One not foreign to the person giving it out. A shake, a tremor. A low curse at how easy it was to get lost in this type of situation.

A situation that was none too familiar. and all too painful. One that was shameful to the public eye, but a lifeline in the quiet realms of one's room. It was something that not a lot of people could grasp or understand, and yet it was something that ALOT of people had or have or were dealing with.

It was something hid.

Something misunderstood.

Something that turned the judgemental heads of everyone who had never done it, Or who had regretted it, and decided demoralizing people who still did it- was the way to go. It was foolish. It was foolish that people were so stuck in their own ways... that this.. 'situation' was left in the dark by the world. By the thoughts of others, and by the judgemental stares of the constant, ongoing crowds.

Its something people are taught not to do- but somehow end up doing it anyway.

I just didn't think I'd be one to do it either.

To be sitting here with a lifeless look in my eyes that only grasped my inner thoughts. To sit here with this damned, large jacket hoodie... Rolled up sleeves and trembling, scrunched up fingers. Raw forearms. Raw emotions. Screams that I refused to let out and blood caking the inner fore-walls of my fingernails.

I chose this. It seemed less violent than the knife, the blade... or even burning, or screaming, or even hitting my head on a wall over and over again. Pathetic was the only word I could come up with myself. Pathetic that when things got too tough, to messed up, that I would bring myself to do one of two things.

Sit in a tub of water and scream into the hot substance, Or sit there and rub.. and rub.. and rub. Until...

Until.'

'Drip'

'Drop'

Until that happened.'

Until the angry skin of my arms gave out little screams, tore open in all their glory and decided to rain down red tears. Oh, what was I kidding? I was spending too much time with my damn brother and his weird obsession with poetry.

I was bleeding.

I freaking tore open my skin with my nails and now I was bleeding.

You're probably wondering why I did this. Probably wondering what had driven me to this. But I don't really want to talk about it... I just want to scrub away at the skin and hope that the blood doesn't show through the dark grey of my school issued hoodie.

I hope my little brother doesn't get in the way with his loud annoying voice and I hope my cousin doesn't either.

Stupid Spanish jerk.'

This is just how it had been all my life. I'm used to it. I'm used to the betrayal and the pain and that shit. But I'm also used to feeling this way... feeling the way that I do now. I'm just being damn confusing right now huh?

Sorry. Is that what you want me to say? Sorry? Sorry?... I'm not sorry for it. Or at least that's what I keep repeating in my head over and over and over again. I just need to breathe. I'm being pathetic again. Pathetic and moody as my brother likes to point out with his German pain in the ass of a best friend.

I could say I'm fine.

Or I could just continue to scream 'Salvami' Over and over again in my messed up head.

Salvami.

Salvami.'

... Maybe I don't want what I'm screaming.'

I should clean up now... Before that Spanish jerk face comes in here and ruins my time of solitude. Like he always manages to do. But I am in the infirmary. I am stuck at his house with my little brother.

Its always been like this since Mama and Papa died.

And Grandpa decided to go through a damn, creepy mid-life crisis.'

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Ah damn.

The bell just rang.'

" As I take attendance today I would like to remind you all that your homework is due. Please put it in the basket on my desk and I will grade it as fast as I can.' A woman smiled and chuckled. Her chest was a bit.. oversized... and to be honest she was so much of a crybaby that the class tried to get by with everything.

But she had a little brother going to this school and everyone was terrified of him.

So that was shot down really fast.'

Inside was a class of students. It was math and consisted of several students. One being the loud-mouthed American named Alfred. Beside him sat a Brit by the name of Arthur. Behind the Brit sat a bright, green-eyed Spanish teen. He was very chipper and went by the name of Antonio. He sat in the middle of the Italian brothers. Feli on one end.

And Lovino Vargas on the other.

They were twins. Luxurious and blessed with looks that almost rivaled roman gods. Feli had beautiful brown, oak-ish eyes. His hair was auburn and he had a wacky curl on side of his head. He was always giggling or crying out for help from his friend Ludwig. A German boy that sat behind him.

Lovino was usually left hanging around Antonio and his weird friends that the girl dubbed, "The Bad Touch Trio.' He didn't want to be around the group of perverts but he somehow ended up being sucked into it anyway. Whether he liked it or not.

Lovino had olive skin, Hazel eyes. One moment brown the next a stunning greenish color. One that reminded you of the fresh green grass on the countryside of Italy itself.

He had darker auburn hair. It was closer to the color of the beautiful barky earth tone of brown. He too had a curl, but it was placed on the opposite side of his head. He was much more.. per say lazy then Feli, but He always managed to get things done... despite what people wanted to believe in the Italian boy.'

Antonio was their cousin. After a weird, hard to explain marriage. That didn't even last long but Antonio was still attached at the hip with no letting go seen in the future.

There were more students of course, but not all can be explained and not all are relevant. At least not right now. At the moment the oldest Italian twin twitched and glanced out the window, muttering a dark curse under his breath as he rested his head on the palm of his hand.

He was so graciously placed by the window.'

His dull hazel eyes glanced at students running around and trying to either get on buses or trying their best to rush to class because they were late. He even saw a few stragglers rushing with books and papers flying. Probably having toast still out of their mouths like in those older animes- Not that Lovino would know anything about older anime in the slightest.

He grumbled, scooting down into his long hoodie and half shutting his eyes as the teacher starting rambling because she spilled her coffee and was now weeping about how she needed her caffeine fix when dealing with 'Hormonal Bratts'

Lovino was sure she was talking about him but he refused to even glare at her when he knew ' The Siberian Of Russia' Or should he say her little brother, was just across the hall in English class.

Yeah...

No thanks.'

Instead, he let his eyes glaze over with much-needed sleep- Not that he didn't sleep a lot. Its just his body was in constant demand of the stuff-. Not noticing the teacher stopping her tirade of ramblings and then glanced around the class just to make sure they were ready for her to begin.

And she then giggled and cleared her throat.'

" LOVINO VARGAS!"

"!?"

A loud ' THUMP' echoed out throughout the classroom and Alfred just had to open his Texas-sized mouth. He cracked up with a loud, " HA! HA! HA!' After Lovino so graciously hit the floor... Still half asleep mind you.'

Then the teacher started rambing again.'

" OH NO! I AM! SO! SORRY!" She wailed, hiding her face in her hands. Lovino wavered... the classroom went blurry for a second until his mind decided to give him a whiplash of reality. and then he noticed all of almost everyone laughing or scoffing at him.

His face flushed a dark red.

Dammit.'

" MIA TOMATO!" Antonio gasped and whined. Shivering and reaching forwards to help him up.

" IM NOT A DAMN TOMATO BASTARD!" His cheeks just flared more as Feli decided to peak over Antonio and yelp. He was always kinda mousey.. but so was Lovino... so it must have run in the family, to be honest.

" Fratello?... Are you okay?" he whined.

Lovino hissed.'

"I'm fine Bastard! Don't look at me...' he growled... Got up. Dusted off his hoodie and made sure he was clean in both senses of the word... and then flipped off the laughing American since it had been directly in his ear.

He then sat down... the only pride he had was still there...

Until Antonio pouted.'

" But you look like one Romano~'

That damn named popped up.'

"Awww. Romano!" Alfred grinned... Almost sarcastically, " What a cute nickname!" He snickered. Romano suddenly let his head hit the desk. Ears turning blood red at the prospect of being teasing for a name Spain had given him when he was four...

Heck, Even his Nonno had liked it and still liked to annoy him to this day.

" SH-SHUT UP! Hamburger Bastardo...' he muttered into his arms and growled. It was almost a miracle when the teacher was able to shut everyone up with a, " Don't make me get my brother' Look.

This was a typical day actually... Although Lovino had to admit he had never fallen out of his desk before. He knew he was damn clumsy but he didn't think it would go as far as him crashing into the nasty high school floor. Antonio looked generally worried and Feli just shouted a happy, ' OKAY!' Before trying not to chat to Ludwig about all that had happened that following week.'

Lovino groaned when class started. It wasn't exactly his best class... But then again he did take Italian as his language elective so he could just sleep through it. It must have been karma kicking him in the butt for the extra siestas he liked to take.

The class droned on and Lovno was left doing his math homework with a frustrated expression on his face. It was practically spelled out on the page but sometimes things just liked to mix and match. It was so irritating. and then to top the cake for his crappy day...

The teacher sat down his homework and he noticed the red marker circled over a whopping thirty points.

He groaned.

Shit.

He heard Alfred snort under his breathe, before getting elbowed harshly by Arthur. It wasn't even their business, it wasn't like he cared anything- Although he knew one of two things. His Nonno would care about it and that alone was the most annoying thing.'

Mostly because his Nonno was always busy nowadays and now he was going to go home with another bad grade- and his brother probably aced perfectly with no flaws or regulations holding him back. Feli was always the first to finish, and people looked up to him for it.

Lovino always finished last and sometimes it'd go home with him. Which didn't go well with him because he actually LOVED to sleep.'

He hated Highschool.

It sucked.

Everything sucked.

His club was even shut down because all they did in it was sleep. What? He never said he was perfect. He just thought the 'Lazy Ass Romano Club' Had been worth it. Even if Antonio did sign that stupido name on the registry form.'

So when the bell rang and he got up. He stuffed the test into his backpack and hoped to god the woman didn't call him. She did.. he ground his teeth, stopped and swiveled to look at her.

"Lovino... You really need to get your math grade up. You're failing my class, and as much as I love my students-

'Freaking Liar. She was terrified of him.'

" I want to see you succeed.'

'No, You just want to see me gone.'

" So If you need a tutor just let me know.' She smiled.'

He rolled his eyes.'

" Yeah, Yeah..." he grunted, glared and then walked out without caring. He didn't need a tutor or whatever... His brother could do it so he could at least try to stay one step underneath him. He didn't' want to be so bad at everything that his brother was on the sidewalk of life and he was under the bus in the street.

... But life sucked.

Did you know that?

Life sucked... it sucked you dry of anything and everything.

Frick.

" ROMANO!"

Lovino whipped his head around as soon as Antonio latched onto his arm.

Panic seized his chest and he quickly started screaming,

" GET OFF ME YOU BASTARD!" He grunted, wiggling his arm free before gasping out at the searing pain that suddenly seized his body.

Ah...

Crapolla...

The Spanish boy just laughed, however,

" We are headed home Lovino! Come on! Come on!" He lit up. A bright smile on his face. He didn't live with Spain anymore... He used too when they were little. Things had gotten complicated. A marriage happened... Feli got to go with Grandpa Romulus. and He stayed with Antonio.

Antonio however still liked to walk with the brothers home.

He ran off when he saw Feli and started screaming at him to come too.

and Lovino glanced down at his sleeves and cursed as he shoved his hands in his pockets and headed to the bathroom.

Crap.

It was a nice hoodie too.'

Feli was a ball of sunshine today. Cheerful skipping beside his brother and Antonio as the spanish boy walked them home, waved and then ran off to go home himself. Feli however couldn't hel but burst through the door of the nice house and scream at the top of his lungs- For he was having a lovely day and wanted to make it even more so-

" Nonno! WE ARE HOMMMEEE~~!"

" Not so loud Bastard. Dammit... Giving me a headache...' Lovino cursed and spewed at him, placing a hand on his head and groaning. He swore his brother got louder and louder every day.

How were they twins?

He questioned it sometimes...'

" LOVI! Please don't call-a your brother a Bastardo!" A man came out from the kitchen, a bright smile on his face. His hair was really curly. He was wearing a dress shirt at the moment, probably from coming home from work. His hair was always messy... whereas the boys only had a curl each, Romulus had curls all over his head. He was a ticking time bomb if anyone knew what those curls did to a person.'

Lovino grunted, rolling his eyes but sighing as they were dragged into the kitchen-He ignored his Nonno greeting Feli. Mostly because they had always been close... and although Lovino.. deep down... kinda of wished it was like that for him- He found it blatantly impossible.' So He went into the kitchen and sat down to the plate of Pasta that was already fixed for each of them.

He took his fork and blankly rested his head on his hand.

His eyes tired.

His Nonno, although older ( and yet so freaking youthful looking ) Starting rambling about all the ' Hot ladies' At work. He was probably the most popular guy at the water tank at work...

Lovino kind of thought that fit his Nonnos image. He would have laughed at it... If he was in a better mood then he was right now.

But...

Lately...

Lovino hadn't of been in the best of moods at all.'

Feli however- As oblivious as he can be sometimes- Lit up,

" Oh wow Nonno! You are'a so popular with the ladies.. Give me pointers please!?" He giggled and clapped his hands, only to beam. He got to spend the whole day with Ludwig, His Nonno came home earlier than normal and he got a great score on his test! He was so happy that he felt like he could walk on the moon! He had to admit that some days just went on, and at times he tried to spice things up a little, but today didn't hold a candle to any of that!

Because today he got to spend time with his Nonno and his older brother. It was like heaven placed on earth and smothered in his brother's pasta sauce- Because although Feli would never admit it... His brothers cooking was so authentic Italian that even Feli would drool at the thought of the special treat. Plus Lovino used homegrown ingredients. That was an extra mark on the score key of, amaziness.

" SO!" HIs Nonno suddenly smiled ever so brightly, " How did your homework go?" He beamed, " The one that cost.. what'a? Ten percent of your'a grade?" he smiled and took a bite of his pasta.

Lovino choked on a noodle.

Feli lit up.'

" I got'a Ninety Five! " he giggled, smacking his lips after eating a noddle, " Kiku helped me'a study and I rocked it!" He beamed.

Lovino awkwardly looked away.'

" That's-a great! Nothing less from my grandson!" The man smiled ever so brightly- and then looked at Lovino. Who suddenly felt so sick that the amazing pasta before him made him want to hurl. Which was rare because Lovino had to admit he was a foody. He looked down, placed his cheek on his palm.

" It was just a stupido test anyway..." He trailed off...

Smearing the sauce on his plate.'

" Ahhh... Lovi...' The man suddenly groaned. He let out an exhausted breath, and Lovino was scared to even say the test score out loud. He honestly forgot it was ten percent his grade. and his other grade was sucky, so add that Thirty and he was failing really bad. No one would tutor him because he had a short temper...

Antonio offered to help but Lovino swore he had ADHD or something. One minute he was teaching the next minute he was rambling the recipe to his mother's Churros.

" How bad'a was it?" Romulus muttered and cleaned off his mouth. Lovino let his head trail to a more proper placement.. one that hid his eyes from his Nonnos- and sunk down in his seat a little further.

"... Below.. forty?" he muttered. His voice squeaked.'

" THE HELL!?" The man gasped. Feli almost shivered. Okay... So... Maybe this day wasn't as great as he thought it was. His Nonno was a great guy! He loved both of his grandsons but he upheld grades a lot. Not because he thought they HAD to be smart, but because he wanted them to be as happy as they could be.

So.

Feli could feel the sweat run down the back of his neck as Romulus put on a scolding tone.'

" I told'a you to study!'

Lovino's head shot up,

" I'a did!" he snapped. He was twitching now. The man narrowed his eyes, almost too annoyed to deal with this at the moment. He loved them bothamazingnessbut he had to admit Lovino was a lot like he was when he was younger. Which worried that hell out of the older man when it came to things like this.'

" You must not have studied hard enough! Go back and ask for a redo!" He slammed his hands down. Lovino squeaked, shutting his mouth and letting his body shiver. Lovino had a mouth but when things got physically it was more or less like he had a personality change.'

"... Mi Dispiace...' Lovino swallowed.

He HAD studied hard for the homework assignment. It was just so difficult. In fact, a lot of his grades were dropping and if this was how the man reacted to his math grade? Heck, he was worried as to how he'd react to his Science one.

" Just re'ado the assignment. If you had'a studied like your brother you wouldn't have to do it over.'' He smiled suddenly and patted the teens head. and although Lovino revealed in the rare warmth... he was also annoyed by the fact that once his Nonno got what he wanted he stopped yelling so suddenly.

But... He loved his Nonno just as much as Feli did. His Nonno was a bit flashy like his brother. His brother and his grandfather were a lot alike as they were now. Lovino on the other hand...

... Well...

To be honest he just felt sick to the stomach.'

Well. It was more complicated.

and now he wasn't hungry.'

Lovino got up and sighed, passed his plate to his brother and dumped the pasta on it for Feli to finish off. Romulus blinked...

Now where was he going-

" Tired..." Lovino muttered. He rolled his rebellious looking eyes and then went upstairs, stomping the whole way and muttering a few curses along the way. Romulus winced and glanced back at Feli who suddenly pouted...

But then tried to light up again.'

" Big-a brother has been woking hard! I'll let him sleep! Now Nonno! About those girls!" he lit up, opening his usually closed eyes for once. and the anger and frustration that the older man felt before swept away and was replaced with a big smile.

'If you had'a studied like your brother...'

Lovino grumbled and tossed his head to the side, laying his head on his arms and glaring at the grey wall just across from him. He was trying to sleep but he just couldn't.

His head was pounding... His shoulders slightly twitched from the oncoming wave of stress. He groaned into his hands and then made sure the door was closed before pulling up his sleeves and looking at his arms.

His angry, scabbed arms.

His eyes narrowed before he plopped back on the mattress. it made a creaking noise as he looked at the skin and swallowed...

It hurt.

But he was kinda new to this stuff.

Let Lovino back track on this one.

He had started this two days ago. He had stupidly gotten to class late... Got scolded.. and had his Nonno called because of his tardiness. His Nonno took up for him, that wasn't the case. It was just a weak moment that Lovino never thought he'd fall into.

It all started with Art class. A class that he always sucked at, but for some reason still took. His drawings were more swirly... more expressive of how he felt like his emotions would smack against his chest at random times. His brother also took the class... He could draw Mona Lisa with his eyes closed. Of course, Lovino knew it from the start. He wasn't new to the forced emotions that liked to swirl around in his chest at times.

After all.

His Nonno always chose Feli over Lovino.

Trips? Feli. That'sFeli. Who had the talents? Feli. He did Art beautifully, Sang like a free bird, Played their instruments without a clumsy side note. He was friendly with everyone and if Feli wasn't a male he'd be considered beautiful. He was shy and good at flirting. He was everything that Lovino was not.

Lovino...

Well.

Clumsiness seemed to be his only talent.

So when Feli was wonderfully praised by his Nonno- Lovino felt His heart sink a little deeper.

And then there was school.

He only scratched a bit... That's all. A bit that it would bleed. But not a lot. He was planning on stopping anyway. He wasn't one for blades or anything gruesome like that. All he knew was that he got a little anger out and that's all he cared about... yeah.

That's all he cared about, Plus if his brother saw this shit he'd flip a lid.

So He wore his hoodie today.

And Antonio grabbed his arm and scratched up his damn scabs...

He swore it was like someone was biting his arm. Like a rabid dog growling and tearing his teeth back and forth. It hurt so bad... and Lovi had to admit he felt guilt nearly choke him up. He wasn't known for this type of stuff.

But.

He sighed out and tried to close his eyes.

But sleep wasn't exactly coming quickly to him.

He stared up at the ceiling, Looked back down at his arms and then hugged himself with a longing that only he could feel.

He just needed some air.

That was all.'