Lonely At the Top
A/N: This is probably the single darkest fic I will ever write. But the plot-bunny bit me and will not leave me alone. I hate myself.
ooOO00OOoo
I stand on the bridge of my ship, looking at the galaxy. True, I could be on the citadel now, but I want to have my freedom.
Ha. Freedom. Now that's comedy.
I'll never be free.
She'll always be there.
Watching me.
Condemning me.
Loving me, even as Her eyes close, and She breathes for the last time.
I want to die.
But I promised Her I'd live.
The vow I once took as a young man, standing on Mindoir, burying my parents, runs through my mind; I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will not live for the sake of any man, nor ask any man to live for mine.
A vow I broke when I promised Her that I'd go on.
I loved Her.
And I killed Her.
And I, John D. Shepard, Commander, Hero of Elysium, Savior of the Citadel, Champion of Cerberus, Paragon of Humanity, Decimator of the Collectors, Reaper's Bane, knew what true pain was.
And for the first time in my life, a life of service, of devotion, of sacrifice of my self for the betterment of all, wanted something inherently selfish.
Revenge.
I had help, of course.
Kasumi, Her friend, who became my unseen mole in the extra-net.
Zaeed, the merc, who swore his arm to my service, in exchange for me putting the Blue Suns under his control.
Samara, my external conscience, who shared my pain.
Thane, my elegant weapon, who became my tool of vengeance.
Jack, my executioner, whose loyalty to me was beyond reproach.
Jacob, my Human brother, who shared my outrage.
Mordin, the scientist-turned-healer-turned-commando, who wanted specimens for experimentation.
Grunt, my student, who became my unstoppable force.
Legion, the construct, who shared my helplessness.
Garrus, my Turian brother, who followed me with Her into Hell.
Miranda, my right hand, who helped me find healing.
The dozen of us, against a universe.
The universe never stood a chance.
ooOO00OOoo
That was several years ago. An eternity ago.
Geth and Quarians live in harmony now. Rannoch thrives once again. Another of Her dreams completed, in Her name.
Samara now is my Vizier, and Supreme Justicar.
Thane is dead, but not before teaching a new generation of new assassins loyal to me.
Jack is in charge of my Secret Police. I've never seen her so happy.
Jacob is dead, killed in the Final Assault on the Citadel.
Mordin is Head Researcher on the Citadel. He also runs a clinic in Zakera.
Grunt returned to Tuchanka, with all new war stories. He now has two sons, and twin daughters.
Kasumi never strays far from me, preferring to foil assassination attempts before they start.
Garrus is in charge of C-Sec. He almost smiled when I told him he didn't need to file paperwork. Almost.
Legion is a permanent figure at court, an ambassador of sorts for the Geth.
Miranda is my Empress. When she asked, I couldn't think of a reason to say no.
She is the only one who is permitted to see me at night, to witness me weep.
She weeps, too.
We both weep for Her.
I because I loved Her.
Miranda because of their friendship, ended just as it was beginning.
As we hold each other, I still feel alone.
I will always be alone.
I am as nothing without Her.
Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya.
Please let me die.
ooOO00OOoo
A/N: This was meant to be a one-shot but started to develop on its own, so I will probably continue it.
BTW: Those waiting for updates on my other stories, take heart, I have NOT abandoned ANY of them. Blame my fickle muse, who visits me only in short bursts, and on rare occasions. I'm sorry, and I promise to update soon.