I clutch the orange prescription pill bottle as I write another familiar letter to her. Seeking advice, seeking her wisdom. She knows me well. The lighting in my room is dark, just a few candles burning. My eyes strain as I jot down letters on the lined paper. My heart is thumping hard, irregular beats. Maybe I did ,"let the crazy get the best of me." As Imogen would say. I sigh and look towards the clock. It's 4am in the morning. CeCe and Bullfrog are fast asleep down the hall. I am left alone with my thoughts. Perfect. I sigh again and stare at the piece of paper that's in front of me, I try to make sense of what I wrote down. It reads,

Hey, it's me again, but you know that. You always know. I had a session with my therapist today. She said I need to vent in any way that helps me. Writing you helps me. Always. We talked about how much you affect me in every single aspect of my life.

I think back to earlier that day. I remember sarcastically saying, "Really? No shit she still affects me!" as I paced angrily back in forth in the boring white room. She put on a stern but caring voice as she said, "Now Eli, sarcasm is just another passive aggressive way of anger. Please be calm, deep breathes please, count to ten."

I'm in my dark room again. I look at my hand grasping the prescription bottle. My knuckles are white. I hear a soft chuckle behind me, then a voice, "You should of said you don't know how to count to ten." I smile to myself, then quickly swivel around in my computer chair to see her. She's so beautiful. So flawless. If my soul could have a twin, her's would be it. She sits gracefully on my bed. I sit beside her and look down staring at my hands that are still holding onto the pill bottle.

"Thanks for listening."

"Of course. I always do." I can hear her smile as I roll the pill bottle from one hand to another.

"Are you gonna look at me?"

I breathe in one big breath and look up to meet her beautiful hazel eyes. I can hear the pill bottle in my hands shaking. "I haven't taken these stupid pills yet." I let out a frustrated sigh.

"Why not?" Her brow furrows. It's the same expression she gave me that night. The night that still haunts me.

"I'm afraid it's going to mess with my writing. For the play." It sounded stupid when I said it out loud.

"That doesn't sound stupid."

I laugh."Julia. Why do you ask me questions when you know you can just read my mind?" I smile at her beautifully toned face. She smiles back.

"Because I like hearing you voice, and you know, it's kinda weird, even being dead."

I grimace at her last words.

"Eli, my death was not your fault." She read my mind again. I stand up furiously clutching the pills.

"YES IT WAS JULIA! IT'S ALL MY FAULT. IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT!" I pace the room enraged. I can feel my face is red, and my vision getting blurry.

"No it wasn't and you know it, deep down. And I know this isn't just about me. It's about Clare." I stop pacing and look at her. It was strange to hear Julia mention Clare's name.

"What about Clare?" I glare at her. I feel bad for glaring, but I'm too wrapped up in my emotions. Just like before. I haven't learned anything.

"You love her." She said it mater-of-factly.

My glare slowly turns into realization. This beautifully dark, serious girl, sitting in front of me, spoke the truth. I do love Clare. Still. Always. Forever. Julia understood, but I still felt a pang of guilt.

"She can't replace me, Eli. I know how you feel about me too." She smiles reassuringly.

She's right. Julia has made her mark on me. I will never forget.

"I know you wont." She looks deep into my eyes. After a while I feel a bit insecure.

Julia stops staring so intently, realizing how her gaze made me feel. "Well. If you love her. Why don't you go get her?" She smiles again.

"Well, how am I -? " She shushes me.

"It's time for me to go Eli."

She's leaving me again. At the worst possible time. I need her here. I feel completely lost. It's the same feeling as when I lost her the first time. I fall to my knees. "Please. Julia. Don't go." Tears well up in my eyes. "You're all I have!" I look up pleading, but she isn't there. She left. I am alone.