TBB: Well well well, it looks like I have finally decided to debut in one piece fanfiction! To be honest, my favorite One piece pairing is ZoLu, since it's the most canon pairing, in my opinion, and it's pretty obvious that Sanji is as straight as a lightening rod, or a sky scraper, or a ruler….you get my point. So, I knew that the only time that Sanji will even have a crush on Zoro is if Zoro becomes a girl, and yes, I know this plotline is so incredibly cliché, which is why Zoro will only be a girl for a short period of time. I wasn't going to write a fic about it, until I noticed there wasn't a single fic that used this idea on , which is really surprising considering many other authors have turned the seme/uke into a girl for no actual reason except for fanservice. So, without further ado, I bring you the funny romance fanficlet that fulfills the over-popular and over-used genderbender cliché, because it is the only logical way (IMO) that Sanji can fall in love with Zoro. Enjoy.

Note: This story is set post-Eines Lobby and prior Thriller Bark. Be warned of spoilers.

Eiichiro Oda and one piece do not belong to me. I just pretend they do :P

xxx

Chapter 1: The Best Way to Hurt a Man

The cerulean water made gentle sounds as it splashed against the 1000 Sunny, setting up a rhythm that seemed as normal and routine as breathing in and out. A flock of seagulls chirped as they flew in a diamond formation in the sky, where the sun laundered and shine its yellow light lazily over the deck. The gentle breeze ran its fingers through clean strands of lime green hair that could only belong to a certain hot-headed swordsman, who was sleeping and snoring lazily below the mast. The Mugiwara pirates have departed Water 7 with a bang, escaping from the Marines in the nick of time. Even if it was only for a while, they felt like they have left their worries behind, and with the entire crew back together, along with Franky as their new Nakama, the Mugiwara pirates were in good humour. Four days have passed since Franky joined, and for the first time in their journey, nothing dangerous has happened in half a week. After the Eines Lobby invasion, the calm that came afterwards was like a reward, and nobody felt any will to object; nobody except a certain energetic rubber-bodied captain.

"I'm……so………BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEEEEEEDDDDD!" Luffy shouted for the fifth time in an hour. Nami looked up from her tanning chair and let out a sigh.

"Luffy, if you're so bored, find something to do! Some of us are actually happy that we can sunbathe out here without getting bombed or eaten for once!" Nami scolded the impatient captain, and laid back down on the chair, enjoying the sun and the feeling of ease it brought along.

"But there aren't any fishes in the aquarium to look at! A-and…I'm full…." Luffy countered, and pouted at the fact that he can't beg Sanji for food. Franky's eyes suddenly lit up, and the cyborg hurriedly ran up to Luffy.

"Hey, kiddo! If you're that bored, how about I teach you some of my Super hip and funky dance moves?!" Franky offered, bursting with excitement, "look at this! SUPAAAAAAAAH….FRANKYYYYYYYYY!" he shouted, and did his trademark pose. Luffy simply yawned.

"No thanks…..I'm….too full…." replied the strawhat captain, who proceeded to the bow to hang off of the lion head, leaving the speedo-wearing nakama utterly defeated. He turned around, and saw Usopp and Chopper observing the scene, and quickly offered them the same lessons. Just before the two had a chance to answer, Sanji kicked open the main door, and threw a fishing rod in each person's hand.

"We need fish for dinner tonight so start fishing!" he ordered the three in his "I'm-the-head-chef –and-I-need-fish-to-make-dinner-for-Nami-san-and-Robin-chan-tonight" tone. As his eyes scanned the deck, they turned into hearts as Nami and Robin appeared in sight, and suddenly, Sanji began to twirl down towards the ladies on one foot, as little grey smoke- hearts sprouted from his cigarette.

"Nami-saaaaan, Robin-chaaan! How are the 5-tropical fruit mojitos I maaaade?" he asked, in his "Nami-san-and-Robin-chan-look-so-hot-in-their-bikinis" voice. Nami was asleep, so Robin looked up from her book.

"They're very delicious," she answered warmly, and gave Sanji a smile. The curly-browed chef blushed deeply, and fainted with the joy of a thousand fangirls. Robin shook her head and went back to reading. Suddenly, Luffy's excited voice rang from the bow.

"Everyone! I see an island! There's an island ahead of us!!" he shouted gleefully, as Nami snapped out of her nap, and everyone else, with the exception of Zoro, turned their heads toward the horizon. Sure enough, the silhouette of an island appeared in the distance, and a gasp of awe sounded in unison from the Mugiwara crew.

"Yaaaaaaaaah! Full speed aheaaaaaaaaaaad!" Luffy shouted. Franky immediately pulled a lever beside the helm, followed by a slight shake in the boat, and a sudden burst of speed. The 1000 Sunny shot towards the island, urged on by the cheers of its excited nakamas.

xxx

"At….LAAAAAAST! LAND-HOOOOOOOOO!" Luffy cheered at the dock of the island, throwing his arms up in his victory stance. Chopper and Usopp joined in the shouting, as a few birds flew from their trees due to the loudness. Below the front mast, Zoro finally stirred awake from his 3-hour nap, and gave a lazy yawn. He was about to fall back to sleep, when his back was not-so-gently prodded with a large wooden stick.

"Oy, Zoro! Wake up already!" Nami's impatient voice boomed from behind, and Zoro slowly, but painfully, stood up and rubbed his exhausted temples. He turned to the navigator, with a look of slight annoyance on his face.

"Ne, what do you want?" he muttered, and before he was able to say anything else, he was swiftly kicked on the back of his head. The swordsman spun around at lightspeed, and immediately swung his sword at the blonde culprit, who dodged the swings ahead of time.

"You bastard! What the hell was that for?!" Zoro yelled at Sanji, who gritted his teeth.

"You should know, stupid Marimo! You don't speak to ladies like that! Didn't your mother ever teach you any manners?" he yelled back, before Zoro dashed towards him, with all three swords pointed forward.

"Oh that's it! You did not just go there!"

Before Nami could get another word in, the two hot-headed males of the Mugiwara crew had already begun their fight. After Robin tied them both up with her arms, Nami gave an exasperated sigh, and gave instructions to both males.

"Zoro, since you've been sleeping the most, I'd like you to gather hardwood for Franky for making ship repairs. Sanji, you can buy cooking ingredients in the village market. Once you're finished your tasks, you two can do whatever you want. Just try to stay out of trouble." Nami finished, and reached into her pocket.

"Zoro, this is for you. Our ship is docked on the south shore, so you can find your way back with this," she said, before handing him a compass. Sanji bursted out laughing.

"Nami-saan, you're so smart! If it wasn't for you, this dense Marimo-head would get himself lost…again!" Zoro growled at the comment, but took the compass.

"We're all meeting here at dawn!" Nami shouted after the two, who went their separate ways. Robin put a hand on the navigator's shoulder.

"Don't worry about them too much. They may be air-headed at times, but they can manage," Robin said.

"Thanks. But, you know…if they suddenly started getting along, I'd be scared." Nami replied, and Robin gave a light laugh.

"Yeah….."

xxx

Zoro growled under his breath, as he silently walked through the small forest on the west side of the village. He was so busy arguing with Sanji that he didn't even have time to know the name of the island.

"Friggen curly brows…." he mumbled, and proceeded deeper into the forest, searching for a good, solid hardwood tree. As he walked further and further west, the forest became more lush with trees, and soon he found his surroundings extremely dark. The shadows cast by the tree leaves covered almost every portion of the ground. The air was cool in this region, and goosebumps formed on the swordsman's skin.

'I've been to thick forests before, but I've never experienced anything like this….'

His stomach churned with an uncomfortable feeling, as he felt that there was something there..beyond the darkness. The green-haired swordsman exhaled and shook his head.

'There's nothing there…it's just cool over here because of the shades. Besides….' he thought in his head, as he walked towards the shadow, 'whatever's behind me already has zero chance of surviving.' Zoro finished, as two trees collapsed behind him, and a painful groan was heard. Zoro turned around and faced his target. The dust finally settled, and the figure of a woman emerged beneath the trees.

"Heh…Roronoa Zoro….your bounty does not outspeak your swordsmanship…" the young woman stammered, a thin of blood trailing out of the corner of her mouth. Zoro gave a small grin.

"Are you satisfied with the result? " he asked coolly, earning an amused chuckle from the female.

"Gosh, you are cold as you are demonic, Roronoa Zoro…turning your sword against a harmless woman…" she spoke sarcastically. Zoro showed no change in expression, as he lifted his right hand to pull out three needles sticking out of his left arm.

"Well, last time I checked, throwing needles behind someone's back doesn't exactly scream 'harmless' to me," he replied, equally as sarcastic, "who are you? Why did you attack me?" he finally asked, getting to the point. As soon as the words were spoken, a twisted smile formed on the woman's lips, and Zoro felt as if he was caught in the gaze of a venomous serpent.

"I'm glad you asked…," the woman began, and smiled at the cautious swordsman, "these needles I have thrown at you contain a special drug called the Rosehip Nectar. Thanks to the ability of the Sei Sei fruit, I can endow any fluids with the ability to change the sex of its target. Afterall, as the wife of the late captain Loki, I have waited a long time for this day to exact my revenge on you for killing him," the woman finished talking, and looked at Zoro, who, for the first time in his life…was frozen in shock.

"Who the hell do you take me for?! Even Usopp lies better than you…" Zoro yelled angrily at the woman's words. 'Changing genders? Is that even possible?!'

"Huhuhuhu…you don't have to listen to a word I say..why don't you just see for yourself? In a matter of seconds, you can't call yourself a 'man' anymore…," she replied with a bitter chuckle. Zoro narrowed his eyes at the woman. As much as she sounds confident, the thought of a fruit that causes gender change is even crazier than Luffy's logic.

"You're nuts; you're fucking crazy, you know that?! If you wanted revenge, why would you choose such an absurd form of punishment? I'd feel better if you said you were going to poison me, or slice my fingers off one by one...but this is an insult," Zoro spat, his voice rising from the anger of being teased by an old hag who probably has a mental condition…of some sort. Gender change? Come on. Yeah fucking right.

The fallen woman didn't stir from her position, and continued in her calm, icy voice, "oh, but it wouldn't be any fun that way, would it? Besides…I know that the best way to hurt a man….is to hurt his pride…". He wasn't sure what happened to him, but Zoro felt his heart stop for a second. The blood that was boiling in his veins were suddenly frozen by an invisible sheet of ice that seemed to say 'it's the truth'; that Zoro's one main weakness is his pride. His body may be as durable as rock, but his pride can shatter in an instant. Before he had anymore time to think, his heart started to beat in an irregular pulse , as the swordsman felt his body move on its own. The pulses inside his body seemed to beat louder, and harder, his blood is flowing the opposite way, his muscles are contracting—whatever it is, he felt unnatural; his body has been possessed…by something that shouldn't be there.

'This can't be happening. There's just no way…'

He felt his muscles shrink, and his waist bend inwards, and his jaw smooth out, and his hair grow out of his skull, and his eyes widen, and his chest swelling, and his crotch…oh god, not his crotch! In what seemed like eternity, his body finally finished morphing into the desired shape. The pain was unbearable, as his muscles and bones were shrinking themselves, and whatever leftover matter were being convered into..female assets. The swordsman shut his eyes, and bit his lip as hard as he could to stop himself from screaming…this was wrong…all of this is just wrong!

After a few minutes, the pain began to dull, and settles to a numb buzz. Once he was sure the pain had ended, Zoro slowly opened his eyes, looked down, and saw…the horrid lumps on his chest that finally marked what the crazy woman under the trees to be the truth: Roronoa Zoro has turned into a female.

"No….no, this can't be happening…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed into the unforgiving sky that was blocked by the sinister trees. He even realized that his voice has gone up half an octave, which made him feel even worse.

"Huhuhuhuhuhu! How does it feel, Roronoa?! To lose all that you take pride in as a man! Now you can see that I wasn't bluffing, you stupid bounty hunter. You're such a fool…for falling into my trap….huhuhuhu…" Zoro was left speechless. So….this is it? In a matter of seconds, one second of letting his guard down has cost him his manhood? Did he deserve this? Does any man on this planet deserve this?!

After a few seconds of gathering his thoughts, Zoro took a deep breath, calming himself down a little. Despite going through the most dramatic transformation of his life, Zoro still retained what little pride he still has, and reminded himself to remain calm and collected in front of an enemy. if he shows anymore weakness, his reputation will be ruined even more than it already has.

"There must be an antidote for this." Zoro said in a solid tone, his face once more returning to its stoic expression. He didn't wait for the older woman to answer, and proceeded to grab the collar of her shirt. Sure he was calmer now, but the rage was still there.

"Depending on your answers to my questions, I could either let you live, or experience a long, painful death," the words were spoken with a dangerous tone, and a piercing gaze that sent unpleasant shivers down the woman's spine, when the glare was accompanied by the edge of a gleaming katana. However, she didn't want to lose in this psychological battle, so she smiled and faced the woman in front of her.

"Death is a fate that I accept, and will wait for, whether it be today, tomorrow, or in ten years. I'm not afraid to die, so just try me!" The woman shrieked, but Zoro's expression did not change.

"I see…then in that case, I will find information on my own. I may be a murderer, but I don't find pleasure in torturing others. Your bones aren't broken, if you can get out of there, then it's up to you. Otherwise, I'm leaving," he said, and began to walk deeper into the forest, following his original path. The woman behind him did not expect such a calm reaction from the man who had emitted an aura of fear and rage a few seconds ago. A normal man would've gone insane right now….from her experience, she knew what can bring a man down.

'Is he serious or is he just bluffing?' she questioned inside, and scowled. A strong body and mind…..

"Listen," Zoro suddenly hissed, "even though you've turned me into a female, I will still become the world's most invincible swordsman. My strength won't disappear, and I will continue my journey with the Mugiwara, and defeat more pirates, such as your husband." The words rang as clear as bells in the silent forest. He remembered his friend, who beat him, as a girl. Gender…gender is not a limit! With that in mind, Zoro continued walking. The woman gave a low, frustrated growl, and spat on the ground.

"You son of a bitch!" the woman snapped at the swordsman, only to hear his frightening laugh, as he turned around and gave her a sadistic grin.

"Just 'bitch' will do."

And so, the psychological battle finally ends, with Zoro walking out victorious.

xxx

It took Zoro an hour to walk past the heavily shaded region of the forest. For such a small island, the swordsman turned swordswoman had never expected the forest to be so vast. Round beads of sweat slowly rolled down his face, as the first mate found it hard to stay cool in baggy clothing. His white t-shirt used to fit him perfectly, but now it just sags and makes it harder for his skin to breathe. His waist belt didn't fare so well either. He found it annoying to walk around with said belt juggling around his hips like a mini hula-hoop. His pants were also too big. In other words, Zoro was carrying a lot of extra baggage.

'Geez….this is the first time I actually feel uncomfortable in my own clothes. And…my chest just wont stop moving! I can't even run properly with 'them' anymore!' He thought, as he censored his female counterparts. 'I don't care if I have to do some crazy ritual, but I want to be a man again!' After more cussing and complaining in his head, Zoro finally decided to take a short break underneath a tree. The young swordsman's eyes wandered from his current position to the area of the forest ahead. He has passed by a few hardwood trees, but most of them were either too young, or dead. His dark eyes scanned the next section of the forest had very few trees, so the sunlight easily covered much of the forest floor.

'Shit…I'm gonna get cooked down there….' He knew he had to cool down. The humidity and the heat were just too much to bear. It was fine on the boat, but now that he's so far away from the shore, the sea breeze wouldn't even reach him. With that in mind, Zoro knew what had to be done. Taking one last glance at his beloved white cotton shirt and his black pants, Zoro bit his lower lip, and took one of his swords, and sliced them in half. He also cut off the sleeves of his white shirt, and put on his modified pieces. The feeling of guilt was suddenly erased by the cool rush of air going through his short tank top, and gave him newfound energy to gather the cut-up pieces of fabric and his katanas to continue the journey. It was time to cross…the clearing.

The heat was overwhelming, but Zoro managed to get past the clearing without passing out or getting soaked in sweat. He gave a small cheer in his head, as he continued heading west; only to stop in his tracks when he heard an angelic sound that he hoped was not just his imagination:

water.

But not just water, running water, like a waterfall! He could see it in his mind already…a lush, white waterfall with fresh water to quench his thirst, and to cool his body! The green-haired swordsman unconsciously smacked his lips together, and realized that his mouth was dry. Stupid heat and stupid woman…

Zoro pulled out his compass, and walked around the region to hear where the source of water was coming from. To him, it seems that the waterfall comes from the north. But the trees were west. The first mate found himself in quite the predicament, the trees created a forked road between north and west.

'Should I get the trees first?' Well, it was my duty, afterall, so a man should always fulfill his duty. But the water…

'If I can get some water, I can cool off and replenish my water supply, thus boosting my stamina and resistance to heat. Oh…decisions…'

The green-haired swordsman juggled the two ideas for a few minutes, but found his thoughts shifting to the waterfall at each debate. Yosh. He nodded. He can no longer resist the thought of fresh water, so the decision was made. Zoro headed north, under the blazing sun and the guide of his compass.

xxx

It was just past midday, and the Sun isn't losing its intensity. Zoro ran and ran, heading north, according to his compass. However, the sound of water didn't get any closer. Furthermore, Zoro was lost.

"Goddammit!" he shouted, and threw his compass on the ground. "I could've sworn it came from this direction! This sunny weather…the waterfall, it's all just a lie! I thought things were supposed to be calm, but no, I just had to meet some psycho bitch who turned me into a girl, and I'm sweating, I'm thirsty, and my compass didn't get me anywhere!!" All the frustration of the day was released into the forest at that moment, but the trees remained silent and unresponsive. The sound of water was still there, but it felt like it was just teasing Zoro, beckoning him 'find me, Zoro! Find me!'. And he still didn't find a good hardwood tree yet. Zoro felt tired. The heat has drained his energy, and the forest offered no way to salvation. Before he knew it, he was lying down on the grass, with his eyes draped shut in a deep, peaceful slumber.

xxx

Sanji was ecstatic.

He had just finished buying the necessary ingredients for two weeks worth of food, and was even more surprised to discover this small village carried sea truffles, a delicacy that is only found on the ocean floor of 'all blue'. With these little mushrooms, he can create a new gourmet dish that will woo Nami and Robin to fall in love with him, even more than they already do!

"Oh love, thy name is truffle!" the blonde chef said with unparalleled glee, as the villagers pretended they didn't recognize the chef at the market who was talking to himself.

"Ooooh, Sanji-chan, this filet mignon with sea truffle sauce is absolutely scrumptious! I want to marry you!"

"Oh, Nami, my sweet, you better have some more of that filet mignon, I made it just for you!"

"O-Oh my god…Sanji-chan…is that—"

"Yes, Nami-chan….will you…"

"Yes! Of course I'll marry you! This ring is absolutely beautiful, I'll keep it as my greatest treasure!"

"With the power bestowed upon me, I, Usopp now pronounce Sanji and Nami husband and wife! You may kiss the bride—"

"Objection!"

"Gasp! Roronoa Zoro?!"

"Zoro! How could you, you already have Robin!"

"That's right, you rotten marimo, how dare you betray Robin's heart!"

"Oh Sanji, my heart is broken, and during my depression, I have realized that…I'm in love with you!"

"But Robin-chan, I'm marrying Nami-chan. But I love you too—oh, the trauma!"

"Oh, oh, what happened next?" the shopkeeper piped in the middle of Sanji's fantasy.

"I commit suicide because I can't decided who I love more, and Nami and Robin are so heartbroken, they commit suicide too. We rejoin in heaven and live happily ever after. Oh, and Zoro goes to prison," Sanji replied to the shopkeeper, who tearfully hands him the sea truffles.

"S-such…a touching…story!" she said, wiping large tears off her eyes.

"Alas, will such a day ever arrive?" Sanji said with a dramatic tone. "Thanks for the truffles, madam. Have a good day," he bowed politely and walked towards the ship, humming a cheerful tune.

"Oh, Sanji!"

Sanji stopped at the voice, which he recognized as Chopper's.

"Hey Chopper, what can I help you with?" the chef greeted coolly. Chopper skipped towards him and transformed into his human form, scaring a couple of the villagers, which he ignored.

"Nami told me to ask you to get some fresh water from the forest, since there's a waterfall there that carries freshwater. I'm here to take the food back to the ship. Oh, and here's a map to the waterfall." Chopper took out a small piece of folded paper out of his hat and gave it to Sanji.

"Well, if it's Nami-chan's orders, then who am I to refuse?" He handed the grocery bags to Chopper, who took them effortlessly. The reindeer's nose wiggled at the sea truffles.

"Sanji, what's that smell? It smells like dirt," Chopper said and made a disgusted face.

"Hey hey, handle those with care! They're sea truffles…oh what the heck, I'll carry them. How many barrels of water did she want?"

"Six," replied Chopper. Sanji's eyebrow gave a slight twitch.

"Six…that…sounds like a cake walk. Okay, well I'll be going then. See you on the Sunny, Chopper!"

"See ya!"

After Chopper disappeared into the crowd, Sanji unfolded the small square of paper, and saw cute little map.

"Hmm…so from my position I should go..West. Got it."

xxx

TBB: Okay! I think this is long enough for a first chapter. I didn't expect to write so much for the first chapter. Phew…I'm spent. I hope I didn't bore you guys with this long introduction. But anyways, I promise the mayhem will start next chapter! Till then, ja-ne!

Author's notes

1 Mugiwara: Japanese for straw-hat. Well, this is just romanji. Yeah, I use Mugiwara more often than strawhat because Mugiwara is commonly used in the manga.

2 Sei sei fruit: Well, I searched this up on google, so as far as I know, 'sei' means 'gender', making it the gender-gender fruit. Yeah, real original, eh?

3 Sanji's fantasy has NOTHING to do with the story, and does not contribute to the plot whatsoever. It does, however, contribute to character development, ah who am I kidding, I just wanted to ridicule him. He's just too easy to make fun of :P, but I love Sanji 3

Okay, till next chapter for real!