The Adventures of Fred Smith / Smith Family Reunion
Despite being free of the Safety Suit, Fred was more depressed with his lot than ever. There was nothing Fred looked forward to less than family reunions. Hundreds, possibly thousands of people from around the universe gather with such shared traits as inbreeding, being cloned from stale material, eccentricities of various sorts, spontaneously growing extra appendages, and of course, sharing the name of Smith.
Fred entered the enormous grand ballroom of the Uh, I Like Grapes hotel on Baphoo Prime at gunpoint. His parents had hired a band of ruthless mercenaries to make sure Fred made his way to the reunion.
There were twenty to start, but to be in the company of Fred can be a dangerous thing. Through a freak series of events, 3 had fallen down a garbage chute trying to prevent Fred from doing that very thing. Another 2 were put out of commission when they each got a carrot, a set of loaded dice, and their own left shoes stuck up their nostrils in the protection of their charge. There were 5 in piano related fatalities. Four men pulled Fred from quicksand, only to be sucked in themselves. One was accidentally glued to an albatross, and 2 were forced to shoot each other when they were torn between their duty, and offing Fred themselves then making a run for their lives.
Three had made it to the hotel relieved to have made it safely. As they were about to enter, however, a golf ball putted off the moon 1000 years previous took out 2 more as they pushed Fred out of its path. The sole remaining mercenary dragged Fred inside the building, so happy to have survived to their destination that he didn't even stick around to collect his pay, which was substantial seeing as how there was no one left to split it with. Last anyone had heard from him, he had left the mercenary life to become a Tribble herder on one of the moons of Clow, where their fur is harvested to make ugly plaid suits, novelty ties and fake flowers that squirted water into peoples faces.
Fred was about to turn tail and run, when he was caught by a tall, extraordinarily thin man dressed in shades of yellow. The eyes, which already covered most of his face behind huge round lenses, got even larger. A truly disturbing sight. "Fred, dear boy. I am so happy to see you here, it made this whole trip worthwhile for me. You look good, are you working out? I like that uniform/insignia combination, they go good together."
Fred couldn't help but smile. If he had to get caught up in the family reunion thing with anyone, he was glad it was with his cousin.
"Hey Redd, you're looking good yourself. Looks like a lot more than usual came this year."
"Yes, a lot of the long time friends of the Smiths have graced us with their presence as well, and what a joy it has been." Redd explained.
Fred couldn't believe someone who didn't have to be here would come of their own free will. Instead of sharing his observation, he decided to change the subject. "So, how's Cantaloupe?"
"That was so thoughtful of you to ask about my wife. Why here comes that vision of loveliness now." Redd pointed to an approaching woman who was as tall and lean as Redd. Fred had never met Cantaloupe before, having only heard the occasional bit about her, so he was finding himself looking forward to meeting her. Up close, she looked normal enough. Normal amount of arms, legs, heads and the like. She was dressed moderately but nicely, typical for a semi-formal occasion such as this. She was even kind of pretty, a rarity for the Smith family tree.
"Hi, Cantaloupe," Fred grinned, "I'm Redd's cousin, Fred." He held out his hand to shake hers.
Instead of offering her own hand, she pulled a pink dictation pad from her purse, flipped through the pages until she found just the right one. She began to read, excitedly, over-exaggerating some words. "Hello (person's name here). I am so happy to meet Redd's (relation of person to husband)."
Fred stared blankly for a moment, then realization dawned. "Wait a minute, aren't you Aunt Bertha's daughter?"
Cantaloupe flipped through her notepad to a different page. "Yes, I am Bertha's daughter from her 53rd husband. That's right, the one who was dead 6 months before they met. How could that be? Allow me to explain..."
Fred really did not want to know. "Oh no, thats OK. I'm going to go mingle now."
Redd took the lenses off his face, reducing his eyes to tiny pinpricks, cleaned them on his canary yellow tie and returned them. Wow, Fred had no idea Redd was so blind. Cantaloupe turned to another page in her pad. "It was nice to see you again (person's name here). Let's keep in touch."
"Yeah, lets do that." Fred was thoroughly creped out. What was up with using a pink notebook anyway?
There were several options for descending to the main floor of the ballroom from the entry level. There were 2 slides, water slide or corkscrew slide. Bungee cord, fireman's pole or jumping into a vat of Jell-o. Since the line for the Jell-o jump was really long, Fred just opted to take the stairs. As he turned to do just that, Fred fell over the center handrail and rather dramatically fell down the stairs. Fortunately, the Smith's employed the best medical practitioners in the galaxy. It was only a matter of minutes before they had Fred back on his feet.
Fred had only made a few steps when he ran smack dab into weird Uncle Gravel. Gravel was not his real name, in fact, no one could even remember his real name. He had gotten the nickname because he suffered from an ultra rare condition where rocks spontaneously appeared in his mouth every time he opened it. Despite this, he and his wife, whose name could be compared to the sound a tire makes when it springs a leak, were the two most conceited Smith's of all. They were so conceited they had their noses moved to the top of their heads to make walking with their noses in the air easier. Fred said 'Hi', but they got offended and stomped off.
Next he ran into another Uncle, Bona Smith, or should I say, Uncle Bona ran into him. It was actually a good thing Fred was knocked to the floor, because looking at the diminutive Smith in the eye meant either sitting on the floor or bending over really, really far. Bona was fairly ordinary as far as Smiths went, he only had a wicked Napoleon complex.
"Hey, Uncle Bona." Fred said. "How goes the battle?" He regretted asking as soon as the words came out of his mouth.
"I have a-beaten back the enemy a-mayonnaise lines out of a-France." He explained.
"Great." Fred said, already bored. "And how is Aunt Cindy?"
"You mean Aunt a-Josephine!" He snapped. "She is a lousy a-wife."
"Oh." Fred said. "And little Josephine?"
"I could not find a suitable a-husband for my a-daughter." Uncle Bona went on. "So I had myself a-cloned." Right then, little Josephine walked up, holding the hand of a child so small she had to bend over to do it. The little guy wore an identical, yet miniature to Uncle Bona's, French generals uniform. "Meet Mini-Bona."
Fred looked down at Mini-Bona. "He looks like he's 6 months old."
"A-five to be exact." Uncle Bona corrected.
Mini-Bona walked up to Fred, standing so close to him that it seemed the tiny clone would climb into his lap at any moment. It was then that Mini-Bona began to speak in a clearly enunciated voice. "This and that with the thing-a-ma-jig put in the whats-it with a who-dinky..."
Fred's brow raised. "He really sounds like he knows his stuff."
"He had no clue." Uncle Bona admitted.
Little Josephine jumped in. "And I like him just like this!"
Fred was going to congratulate the happy couple but he was suddenly barraged with so much noise he couldn't hear himself think, let alone speak to be heard. It sounded like a thousand one sided conversations all going on at the same time. That could only be Aunt Gossip. Aunt Gossip was born with mouths of different sizes, all over her body. Each one capable of holding an independent conversation from the others. Fred knew that if he got caught by her that her armed enforcers would detain him until he had heard every mouth out. That could take months. Besides, the ones on her posterior had really bad breath.
He stood to flee and came face to face with Cousin Mel. To say that Mel had unruly hair was like saying Klingon's tended to get a bit grumpy now and then. Mel's hair was notorious for such things as spray-painting 'Mel's hair was here' on shuttle port walls, joy riding in stolen runabouts, putting thumbtacks on Captains chairs, and shaving peoples pet targs. Mel himself wore a simple 2 piece suit about 4 sizes too small. It was amazing how even though Mel was removed like 25 times, as cousins go, just having the name Smith still had its full effect.
"Hi Mel." Fred said, keeping his distance from the hair. "How's it going?"
"Blue." Mel said. That was the other thing about Mel. Everything he said almost, but not quite, made sense.
"I'm sorry to hear that ... I think." Fred said reluctantly. Fred suddenly found himself distracted by a set of ears standing above the crowd. Caitian ears. It was one of those surreal moments where the crowd seemed to part, making a clear path to her. In actuality, the crowd was lining up to River dance. Unfortunately, Fred didn't realize what was going on until he was half way down the line and the music started. He was trampled by Big Foot Betty Smith and Jimmy the Legs Smith.
It was almost 30 minutes before the Smith family doctors got Fred mobile again. Unfortunately, the sweet little Caitian was nowhere to be seen. But Mel was still around. "Hey Mel." Fred said, looking around. "Did you see where that Caitian lady went?"
Mel scratched his scalp. Apparently his unruly hair gotten their split ends on some itching powder. "Tuesday." He said.
Fred thought for a moment. Today's Tuesday. He reasoned that must be a yes. Next came the big question. "Is she a Smith, or a friend of the Smiths?"
Mel said very thoughtfully, "Too Harry."
What could that mean? Fred asked himself. Too hairy to be a Smith? Maybe. Just as he was about to ask for clarification, all the mouths of Gossip snapped, "Mel-Vin!" in unison. Mel dutifully trotted off.
Fred was right, she wasn't a Smith. He felt it in his gut, and his gut would be right this time, he knew it. He just had to find her again in this crowd. he racked his brain on how to do it, and then he saw the perfect way.
To be continued in:
When Smith's Go Wild