Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is mine.
A Christmas Party
It's Christmas break of her sixth year, and Lily Evans is sitting at her kitchen table, staring at a letter in her hands.
"What's that you've got, dear?" asks her father, tottering into the kitchen to find something for breakfast.
"What? Oh—nothing. An invitation," she says, slipping the piece of parchment back into its envelope and slipping it into her pocket. "For a party. A couple days before Christmas. I'm not going."
"Oh, go. You could use a party. It's been a tough winter," he says. He's found a bowl and the bottle of milk. He's looking for their cereal, but Lily already knows there is none left. They used the last of it yesterday for dinner.
"No, no, I'd really better not," she says in the way that her father knew meant that she wouldn't be swayed.
Instead of pushing, he says, "Could you pop out for some cereal? We're out."
They hadn't been expecting it. She wasn't ill for long, and the doctors all seemed to think she had a real chance, if not to live, at least to hang on for a bit longer. But one day she had simply not woken up.
It was just before Halloween. Lily was in the library studying for a Charms exam when McGonagall walked up to her with a gentle, sad expression on her usually severe face, and Lily just knew then. She dissolved into tears in the library, not caring that everyone was looking, or that the dodgy Slytherins were laughing at her, or that the Marauders were there to see her in such a state.
She went on the train to the funeral, which had been small and full of shocked people. No one had really expected it, not really, even though they had known she was ill.
"We all thought she'd be better in no time," the neighbor, Mrs. Pent, said to Lily, holding her hand gently.
Petunia was there, but wouldn't say two words to Lily. Her fiancée was there, and Lily's skin crawled when she saw what her sister would be marrying—a cruel, vindictive, superficial man.
When she returned to Hogwarts, her friends tiptoed around her.
"Lily, I'm sorry," they cooed, not quite looking her in the eyes.
"Yeah," she said in return, nodding numbly.
James found her in the Owlery.
"Alright, Lily?" he said softly.
She supposed she was a sight to be seen, standing there amongst the hooting creatures in the bitter cold, staring out at the Great Lake. She didn't know how long she had been stuck there, having no energy or desire to move.
"Oh. Suppose so," she said, startled but not moving anything but her head.
She wished he would leave but heard him walk over, felt him lean next to her.
"My mum and dad had me when they were quite, quite old, you know," he said quietly. She glanced over at him, eyebrows knit together. "Dad passed the end of summer. Mum's not far behind, I'm sure. I'm always waiting for that letter in the morning post, or for Dumbledore to come towards me with a solemn look on his face."
She nodded quickly. Tears were choked at the back of her throat and her face contorted as she tried to hold them in. She appreciated that James was keeping his eyes front, looking at the Great Lake.
"I'm not trying to—I'm just saying, if you ever need to talk, Evans—"
"You called me Lily earlier," she said abruptly.
He paused, obviously expecting anything but that to come out of her mouth, and nodded. He looked over at her. "Yeah, I did."
Lily nodded back. She didn't know what she had meant by saying it to him. But now she was looking into his eyes, which were warm and kind and sad, and she wanted to cry even more than she had before.
"Lily," he said gently, "if you even need to talk, I'm here. I know I'm not your favorite bloke, but—"
"Thank you," she cut in. She put a hand gently on his shoulder before adding, "James."
He started to walk away and, knowing that she would never take him up on the offer if she had time to think about it, grabbed his arm. He flinched slightly, like he'd been burned, and looked up at her, shocked.
She couldn't help but laugh at the expression on his face: eyes huge and as round as his glasses, mouth open in a slight 'O.' Her laughter woke him up enough to smile back at her and pull his arm away.
"Sorry," she said when she could stop her giggles.
"'S fine," he muttered and shrugged, trying to seem confident and nonplussed, trying to act like the great James Potter that people whispered about in the hallways.
"She was sick for a bit, but none of us knew it was so bad, I guess, even the doctors," she said. The story was so well rehearsed from the funeral that it tumbled from her lips without much pain or effort. The next part she had said to no one. "I just miss her and I'm so angry that she won't—she won't see me married or see Petunia married. I won't be able to send her letters about how overwhelmed I am with school or—or anything else, and get letters back where she calls me her baby." Tears sprung back to her eyes, and she did not try to stop them. "My heart is just broken. My—my mummy…"
And that is how she found herself sobbing into James Potter's shirt in the Owlery. When she stopped she was mortified, and quickly thanked him and ran back to her dormitory. She avoided him for the rest of term.
But now it's December and she's walking down to the shop to pick up cereal and the invitation to James Potter's Christmas party is burning a hole in her pocket.
She hasn't a clue what to do.
She gets tea at a café and sits, daring herself to not look but finally relenting, unfolding the crinkled envelope again and slipping out the piece of parchment.
"Evans—
You'll probably definitely say no, but we're having a Christmas party at my house. My first Christmas without Dad was tough, and I know yours must be as well. I thought a party might be a welcome distraction. It'll mostly just be the boys and some Quidditch friends, but I invited Mary as well, so you wouldn't even have to look at me if you didn't want.
Regards,
James."
She runs her fingernails over the words and takes another sip of tea. It has been a tough break, just her and her father staring at each other, each expecting Mum to walk through the door and apologize for her absence. Petunia hasn't been around at all, choosing instead to stay with her awful fiancé's family for the holidays.
She downs the rest of her tea and stuffs the letter back into its envelope, and the envelope back into her pocket. James Potter might not be her favorite person, but he was the person who understood, who reached out, who thought of her. She's going to his damn Christmas party because he's right, she needs to get out of the house. She decides to call her uncle and see if she can't send her father to stay with them for that night. She couldn't escape from her thoughts if it just meant that her father would be trapped in his own.
Mary's excited.
"I went to the party last year. It was fun, Lily. And anyway, Sirius is fit," she says, draping a top against her front and turning to Lily. "This?"
"Sure?"
"You're zero help here, Lily."
"I'm not interested in getting you snogged by Sirius. What if his personality is catching?" Lily asks. She's laying on her bed with her hands behind her head, wishing she hadn't agreed to this.
"Well, it'd be worth it," Mary says. She collapses next to Lily on the bed and puts her head on the other girl's shoulder. "Why did you agree to this if you're just going to be a grump?"
"Because I'm losing control of my life," Lily responds quietly. "And I was hungry."
"Well, you should never make decisions when you're hungry, Lily," Mary says, rolling back up and throwing a pillow at Lily.
"I've learned my lesson," she says.
"Were you hungry when you bought those pants?"
"Shut the hell up, Mary."
Potter Manor is huge and when Lily sees it, she turns on her heel and walks away. Mary succeeds in dragging her back and, whispering things about free food and alcohol, convinces Lily to allow herself to be dragged.
They knock on the door and Sirius answers, wearing a paper crown and holding a glass that looks like it contains champagne. He cocks his head to the side like a confused puppy.
"Evans?"
"And McDonald," Mary says quickly, pushing past Sirius and into the house. "Now where can a girl get a drink." Lily can hear laughter and general party noises further into the house and watches as Mary wanders in the direction of the commotion.
"Why are you here?"
"And a happy Christmas to you as well, Black," Lily says, following her friend's example and pushing past the boy and out of the cold. The door closes behind her and Sirius follows her as she walked into the entry hall.
"No, I'm glad you're here—"
"You are?"
"I'm four glasses of champagne in. I'd be glad if my mum were here."
Lily grins despite herself and hands the boy a box of chocolates.
"Can you give these to James?"
"A token of your undying love," Sirius asks, bringing the box close to his face and squinting.
"A gift for the host, idiot," Lily says.
The party is in a large room on the first floor. It's furnished lavishly and Lily wonders if a bunch of drunk teenagers should be allowed to be near such nice things. The crowd isn't huge, maybe twenty people altogether, but Lily thinks about how much trouble just James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus can get into and wonders how James' mum ever allowed this party. James is sitting in a corner of the room on a white couch with Remus and Marlene McKinnon, trying to drink from his glass and laugh at the same time.
"Look what I found," Sirius says loudly, and everyone in the room looks up and pauses in confusion.
Everyone, that is, except for James.
"Lily!" He cries, jumping up and sprinting over to her. Her envelops her in a hug and she is surprised by how nice it feels. Her father doesn't hug. That was always her mum's job.
She hears people whisper and tenses. She chuckles nervously and pries James off of her. "Hi, Potter," she says stiffly. He walks with her to Mary, who has taken James' place on the couch and is looking across the room at Sirius.
"What do you want to drink, Lily? We have everything, and it's all good."
"Uh, surprise me?"
He grins and stumbles off. Lily's slightly afraid of what he'll return with, but figures there's nothing to be done now.
Marlene, a year older than Lily, scoots over and invites Lily to sit. "Can't say I expected you here, Lily."
"That's what Sirius said."
"Well, everyone knows James isn't your favorite person."
Lily feels a strange rush of frustration. "Well, maybe people don't know absolutely everything about how I'm feeling at any given moment. Excuse me," she says, standing up and leaving the baffled Marlene and Remus to glance at each other. "I've got to go make sure Potter doesn't make my drink too weak."
She hears Mary's whispered excuses as she leaves and wonders if she can find something to punch. Maybe James. Everyone's telling her that she hates him, after all.
She finds him in the kitchen. He's looking through cupboards but turns when he hears her enter.
"Lily!"
"Hi."
He turns to look at her fully and hands her a glass. She sniffs it and looks up at him with eyebrows raised.
"It's straight Firewhiskey. You look like you need something that's no nonsense."
She takes a sip. It burns going down.
"Why does everyone feel the need to tell me that I hate you?"
"Well I've never been your favorite person," James says, picking up his own glass and fiddling with the stem.
"Things change," she says softly into her drink.
"Do they?"
Lily glances up to find James looking at her intently. She shrugs. "Everything changes. People don't stay the same. They get kinder and… crueler." She thinks of James, thinks of Severus. "They get sick." She takes a larger gulp of the drink and coughs a little.
"How's it been? At home?"
"Shitty," she laughs bitterly. "Dad's doing alright, but everything's just… shitty. Th—thank you. For inviting me here. Though I can't say I was very nice to Marlene just now—" she turns to frown at the doorway.
"Hang Marlene. You're allowed to be a little cruel right now, Lily. You're always nice to people—"
"Not to you," she says.
"You're nice to people who you think deserve it," James chuckles. "You always thought I was being an arse just be one. And maybe I was," he says, holding a hand up to silence her protest, "but we can agree to disagree on that one."
Lily smiles back. He has nice eyes, she thinks suddenly. And a nice smile. She takes another drink.
"James… can I… if I ask you to hug me, can you not read anything into it?" she asks. Her voice is pained and she can't quite make herself meet his nice eyes, but she feels empty, suddenly, and she knows his hug made her feel better earlier and she knows that he knows how it feels, to lose someone so important.
"I—yeah. Um, yeah," James says. He tugs her drink out of her hand and places both of their glasses back on the counter gently. Lily takes a deep breath. She's looking down still and she sees James' trainers shuffle, unsure, into view. His arms wrap around her and she exhales, throwing her own arms around him and squeezing. It's desperate and ugly and he smells wonderful and feels warm and solid under her arms. His hand comes up to stroke her hair, just once, faltering slightly, as if he's decided if it was too much, too intimate. Lily doesn't care. Her soul is cracked open and James is the only one who will look her in the eye when he says he's sorry.
"Thank you," she whispers into his chest.
He squeezes her for a second and lifts his face from atop her head to gently reply, "Anytime, Lily. Anytime."
They stand there, silently holding each other, until they hear a muffled, "Fucking shitting fuck," from the doorway and jump apart. Sirius is trying to creep backwards but freezes and brings his hands up when they look at him.
"Er—didn't mean to interrupt anything… there are some Cribbages crackers and we were going to set them off… we didn't want you to miss anything," Sirius says quickly. He's too drunk to retain the suave attitude with which he usually faces surprises; his eyes are wide and it makes Lily unbelievably happy, suddenly, that Sirius has been shocked out of his personality.
"It's fine, Sirius," she says. She leans over to grab her glass and glides across the kitchen and past the confused boy, patting him on the back as she passes. "Let's get going then."
She pauses outside of the door and can hear Sirius whisper furiously, "Were you two—" and then the sound of James picking up his glass from the counter.
"Of course not. Let's go."
She walks briskly back to the party, taking a seat across from the couch with Marlene again. Remus has gone missing and she can see Mary talking with a seventh year Hufflepuff chaser across the room but she wants to do something before she joins her friend.
"Sorry about earlier, Marlene," she says. "I've had a shit couple months."
Marlene shakes her head with an easy smile. "Please, Lily. No need."
"All the same, I'm so—"
There's two loud bangs and everyone looks the doorway. Lily grabs her wand but there's no need. The smoke clears to reveal James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter holding the remnant ends to two Christmas crackers. James is holding a shiny golden crown and Peter seems to have gotten a pair of fuzzy gray socks.
"Happy Christmas, everyone! We've got more, but take them in the garden. We promised Mum Potter we'd only set off a few in the sitting room," Sirius announces. He's holding a box and people file by, taking a cracker and exiting to the gardens.
Lily stays sitting, waiting for her ears to stop ringing and listening to the muffled noise of people having fun in the garden, until she realizes everyone's gone save her and the Marauders.
"Come on, Lily. Have a bit of Christmas spirit," Remus says, digging into the box. He tosses one to her and she catches it one handed, keeping her drink aloft in her other hand. Sirius and Peter clap and yell their admiration and she stands and bows, spilling a bit in the process.
"Scourgify." James is right by her with the charm in half a second. He leans down to see that its all out of the carpet and straightens with a sigh of relief.
"Worried your Mum will ream you out?" Peter teases.
James nods enthusiastically. "Terrified, actually. You've never had her mad at you, Wormy."
Sirius nods, joining James next to Lily's chair. "Mum Potter is a force to be reckoned with."
"Sorry," Lily whispers, but James shakes his head.
"All fixed, Lily," he says quietly. "None of that."
Sirius swings his head back and forth, from James to Lily. "Uh, Wormy, Moony, I need your help. Outside. Out—no, Prongs, I don't need... you," Sirius says, pushing his friend closer to Lily's chair. "It's your… Christmas present. It's outside and I need the boys. For help." He is dragging a laughing Peter and quietly protesting Remus outside.
"Subtle," Lily says.
"Yeah, that's never been Sirius's strength," James agrees. He sits down on the vacated sofa and leans back. "He thinks we were snogging in the kitchen."
Lily feels her face turn hot. "Did you—"
"I told him we weren't, but who knows if he believed me."
"Thanks," she says. They fall into a slightly uncomfortable silence. "Did Sirius
give you the chocolates?"
"Oh! Er, yeah, he did. Thanks."
"Well, thank you for hosting. And inviting me. And Mary."
"Yeah."
Awkward silence. Again. Lily takes another sip of her drink and, with a sigh, looks up at James. "James, you've been great the last few weeks. So I just want to thank you—"
He shrugs, ears turning pink. "It's nothing, Evans."
"Shut up, Potter. It's more than nothing. It's been—"
"You're welcome." He stands up and walks over to her, grabbing her by the shoulder and hauling her up. "Evans, it's Christmas. You need to have some fun." He pulls a cracker out of his back pocket. "Take the other end."
"But your mum—"
"One more won't hurt. We didn't burn anything down earlier. She'll see that as a victory, believe me."
"She'll see you not setting fire to the place as a victory, but would've shouted if you spilled something on the carpet?" Lily asks.
"Shh, Evans, just take the other end."
Lily does as she's told, taking the tuft of silvery paper being offered to her and looks up, meeting James's eyes.
"On three. One, two, three—"
They tug and with the requisite bang and puff of smoke, out comes a figurine. Lily picks it up with a grin and hands the small golden lion to James.
"You know, I think this might mean we're a bit too into being Gryffindors," he says, eyebrows raised. The lion opens its tiny mouth in a silent roar and settles into James' palm.
"Matter of opinion, that," Lily says. She picks the figurine up and places it on the side table. "I like to think we're just confident in who we are." James hums, his eyes trained on her face. Lily rubs the back of her neck nervously and looks away. "Should we join the others outside?"
But James sits down and tugs on the hem of her sweater until she joins him on the couch. "Are you going to avoid me again when we get back to school?"
Lily flushes. "It wasn't—I'm…"
"It's fine, Lily. I know you have more to worry about than me—"
"I think… when we get back, I'd like to be mates." Lily talks carefully, as if trying to decide what she's saying is true.
James runs his hand through his hair, looking suddenly bashful. "Well, if you're mates with me you have to see Sirius a fair bit. And Remus and Peter."
Lily groans and closes her eyes. "Nevermind then," she says, dramatically throwing her head back. Her eyes pop open to find James staring at her with a small smile on his lips. "Figure I can manage," she says softly.
James jumps from the couch and offers Lily a hand. "We should get out there before Sirius spreads a rumor about us eloping or something."
"Well, that's probably already happened," Lily says but takes his hand and stands up. She pauses a moment before letting go and sees James looking at her strangely.
They walk slowly to the gardens, and James stops her just before they walk out into the fray. "You know, we're having a New Year's party here… on New Year's Eve. Probably just the boys, so not really a party, I guess. Though I did hear Sirius invite a bunch of people earlier—he gets generous when he's smashed. But you could—if you wanted to come, that would be good. More distraction or whatever. Practice on being mates before we're back at—"
"I'll be here, James. Thanks."
"Well," he smiles down at her. "Well, good. Happy Christmas, Evans."
"Happy Christmas, Potter."