Before things change
Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don't belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do
It was a long day and based on the sigh that escaped her lips, it seemed like it will be an endless night. She stared unblinkingly into the distance and pulled her arms around her, seeking the comfort that refused to come.
Susan closed her eyes and willed herself to stop listening to the voice in her mind, repeating the truth she still could not accept.
Lucy tossed and turned in her bed as if she could sense how troubled her older sister was. Deciding that only one of them should be sleep deprived, Susan stepped out and closed the door softly behind her. She walked silently out of the house and sat on a small bench beneath a tree in their modest garden. She pulled up her knees to her chest and buried her face in her arms.
'I should cry,' she thought as she blinked rapidly willing the tears to come as the emptiness slowly claimed her.
She could not feel even the cold breeze or the hard stone beneath her. She was numb. Self-preservation. Her instincts were kicking in to keep her heart from breaking to a point that she would no longer know how to be happy.
"He's doing well Susan" Lucy had said carefully.
"Who is?" she replied acting nonchalant and feigning disinterest
"Caspian," her sister answered hesitantly.
"That's good then," she said casually not meeting Lucy's eyes
Edmund shot a warning glance at Lucy and shook his head slightly to the left.
"What?" Susan said with a small laugh, trying to sound unaffected, "You're allowed to talk about him you know. I'm not as fragile as you think. I'm moving on. It just wasn't meant to be."
It was silence that met her ears. No one dared to speak the words out loud. In the end, it was enough to tell her she had lost him. He was moving on as well.
She watched her breaths come out in white little puffs of cold air as she thought about just how much she could handle.
Susan only overheard a few details here and there and asked for no more. He was getting married to a woman of beauty and grace, the daughter of a star no less. She never asked for anything more, no name and no detailed account of how they met. It made no difference. Though revered in the history of Narnia, the truth remains that she will become a faint whisper in his memories of how good they could have been, of how she could have been his queen.
Like a movie in her mind, she went through every scene, every word and every touch that passed between them. With her eyes closed she savored every detail knowing it will be the last time she will allow herself to do so. One last moment of weakness before leaving for America and putting even more distance between herself and all hope she used to harbor.
Susan could feel herself changing and closing off to the world. She hardened herself against the frosty night and the pain that was clawing it's way into her soul. Her mind screamed from the effort but on the outside, she merely continued to look into the night.
When at last she finally thought she had herself in check, a lone star fell from the sky and broke the floodgates of her tears.
"I'll forget him tomorrow. I'll wish them well tomorrow. But for now, I'll be selfish and wish for him back. Tonight, I'll let myself love him."
She made sense to him. She made the ideal queen. She will be a fine mother. But he couldn't help thinking, she was perfect simply because she was here and Susan was not.
Caspian had made a habit of walking around the vast gardens of his castle as dawn broke, a time when Narnia straddled peaceful slumber and the joy of a new day. It was the only time of the day when he could pretend he still had any hope left in him of seeing her again.
He shook his head in an attempt to shake her image out of head and tried to think of his bride-to-be instead. The contrast between the two women was obvious to anyone except the king. She was the last person who would remind you of the gentle queen, soft and fragile looking with a mane of golden hair that hung straight around her graceful form. However, it was for this exact reason that everyone knew the King still loved the Gentle Queen. He was simply trying too hard.
He watched the sunrise and closed his eyes as the warmth washed over him.
'I should smile,' he thought as he forced his mouth to curve upwards. He could not. He felt hollow and alone, even when he knew someone was waiting for him.
He's coping and for now that would have to do. Caspian concentrated on breathing and slowly focused on taking one step at a time without any destination in mind. It was a broken arrow on the ground that stopped him in his tracks.
"If it weren't meant to be, if from the start it was never meant to go anywhere, then why was allowed to fall in love with her?" Caspian asked his companion whose wisdom was unrivaled.
The great lion sighed softly and turned to face the young king.
"Love does not always mean forever. Sometimes it just is dear one. Time is of no consequence to it. It conquered worlds and generations, allowing you and Susan to meet. Love is a gift not a contract. Sometimes, it comes into our lives merely to teach us something."
"What was the lesson?" the young king asked
Aslan merely smiled and continued to walk, letting the young king accept what his heart had known all along.
She was her light in the darkness that was his life. Susan gave him hope and made him understand that he was a good man. She opened up his eyes to the world beyond the walls of his sheltered youth. Her arrival brought the brutal force of the truth of what his life was really made of and just how strong he truly was.
He closed his eyes and tilted his face up to the sky. He decided that as long as his eyes remained closed, he could stay with her a little bit longer. He could pretend she never left and he never had to doubt if his time with her was only borrowed. He imagined their future together and all the generations thereafter.
The sun was finally up and the brightness penetrated his closed lids. He took a deep breath and looked around. Light bathed everything around him but everything seemed a little bit off color. It should be breathtaking but he could not see the beauty. He was numb.
In the far corner of his mind, he remembered his sleeping fiancée and that she would be looking for him soon. But as he felt the metal tip of the arrow, he sank to his knees and opened his mouth in a silent scream begging to be free from the dull ache that had become a constant in his life.
Tired and spent, the king stood up and searched for his horse, desperate to get away and extend his solitude before the rest of Narnia awoke.
Caspian rode off, galloping at a mad speed to Aslan's How.
"Just for today, I'll be a prince again. Just for today, I'll be weak. Just for today, I'll love you. Because tomorrow someone else will be my queen."
a/n: Initially, I thought this will be just a one-shot but now I'm not so sure. For now, I'm just glad to be writing again :P Hope you enjoy this :)