Thanks, Mr. Heckles!
[Okay, well I got this idea a while ago. Last year, to be exact. Anyway, I was looking through all my old paper and stories and fics and stuff, and I found this one that I had started. I remembered the idea, and I wanted to finish it. Okay, well, I originally got this idea when I was home sick in bed, and was on. So in order to understand this fic, you need the basic knowledge of episode 306, The One With The Flashback, and tiny bits of 423 & 424, The One With Ross' Wedding, 1 & 2, and 716, The One With The Truth About London. But mostly just 303. Alrighty, then, read and enjoy!]
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic. :0)
You have to be kidding me! Joey cried. You can actually go inside the Statue of Liberty?
Yeah, Joe. You really can, Chandler said. He and Joey were sitting in Central Perk.
Hey, excuse me, sir, a man said, coming up to Chandler. Do I know you? Have we met? I just saw you, and you looked really familiar.
Chandler asked. He studied the man for a second. Yeah, you know, so do you.
the man asked. What's your name?
I'm Chandler. Bing. How about-
Chandler Bing! the man cut him off. Of course!
I take it you know me, then, Chandler quipped.
Of course! You're the guy who told me that I was his roomate, then let that old man be his roomate! And didn't even tell me about it.
What? Old man? Chandler pointed at Joey. THIS is my roomate. Or, I mean, was. You were the one who never showed up!
Oh, I showed up. I showed up alright! he said. I introduced myself to this old man in a bathrobe. He said he was your new roomate, and went into your apartment. So then I left.
***Flashback to TOW With The Flashback ;)***
Mr. Heckles: (Just got the door slammed in his face by Phoebe) Who are you?
Eric: Hi, I'm Eric, I'm gonna be Chandler's new roomate.
Mr. Heckles: I'm Chandler's new roomate.
Eric: But he told me over the phone.
Mr. Heckles: He told me in person.
Eric: That's weird.
Mr. Heckles: Well, I'm going to go into my new apartment now. (Curiously tries the knob. Luckily it is unlocked. He goes in.)
***Present***
Chandler said, suddenly remembering his name. With the porn star sister.
Yeah, I'm Eric, he said.
So, Eric, Chandler said What did this man in the bathrobe look like?
Old, weird hair, kinda sick looking. I don't know, it was so many years ago.
Did he tell you his name?
Nope. Just said he was your new roomate.
I bet it was Mr. Heckles! Joey said.
Yeah, that could have been it, Chandler agreed. But why would he do that?
Chandler, why would he dress Marcel up in a tutu?
Right, sounds like something he would do, Chandler said. He nodded at Eric. Sorry it never worked out, Eric, Buddy.
Yeah, too bad, Joey mocked.
So why aren't you his roomate anymore? Eric asked Joey. You get tricked, too?
He got married, Joey said.
Eric said. And kicked you out?
No, he moved in with her, across the hall, and left me the apartment.
Eric said, thinking that over. I had a model I was gonna hook you up with, too, Eric said to Chandler.
Joey exclaimed. Is she still available?
No. Married. Eric gave him an apologetic look. And man, was she hot!
Joey said. Eric nodded.
Just imagine, Eric said to Chandler. Instead of you each marrying other people, maybe you would have married each other!
Chandler said, thinking about it. I used to have this huge fear of commitment.
Yeah, well, so did she. And her husband. But they got married! I don't know, I just thought you two would really hit it off.
Hey, but what about me? Joey asked. If you had let him be your roomate, I wouldn't have been!
Dude, do you have hot model girls to set him up with? Eric asked Joey.
Well, no.
See, I would have been the roomate from Heaven!
Chandler said. Joey gave him a look. I mean, no, Joey and I are really good friends. It worked out for the best. Mr. Heckles did good, and he wasn't trying to.
You're just saying that, Eric said with a laugh. Look, I've got to go. See ya...or not. He said, checking his watch and leaving the coffeehouse.
Wow, imagine, Joey said. If Mr. Heckles hadn't done that to that dude, we wouldn't have been roommates.
Yeah, I really thought he would be cool, Chandler said. But I ended up with an even cooler guy, Chandler told Joey with a smile.
Thanks man. I owe Mr. Heckles, Joey said. Well, actually, so do you.
Yeah, I just told you I did, I'm glad I got you and not Eric-
No, not about that. You owe him for Monica.
Dude, think about it! Joey said. If Eric had been your roomate, would you have ended up with Monica?
Well, sure, why not?
You said he had a sister who was a porn star, and he was going to set you up with a lot of hot models!
So? You know how I am. Doesn't mean anything would have happened with them.
True. And besides, why would hot models want you? Chandler gave him a look. Well, I, uh, I mean, they, too, want hot male models.
Not a good save.
Yeah, I know, Joey said with a sigh. I wonder if he could set me up with hot models?
Joey, he left, you aren't gonna see him again. Ever. Get over it, Chandler said.
Why do I always miss the good opportunities? Joey shook his head.
Hey guys, Phoebe said, coming in.
Hey, Pheebs, guess who was here? Joey asked.
Ummm, the guy who was almost Chandler's roommate, but wasn't?
Chandler and Joey looked at each other.
How did you know? Joey asked.
I've got the powers, Phoebe explained.
You really are psychic! Joey said.
Well, yeah, I am, but that's not how I knew, she paused. I heard him talking on his cell phone, and he said I just ran into this guy, Chandler, who I was supposed to be roommates with years ago, but wasn't.'
Joey said. He gave Phoebe a look. You shoulda gone with the psychic thing.
Yeah, you're right, she said. So? What did that guy say?
Nothing, just that Mr. Heckles tricked him out of being roommates with Chandler, Joey said.
Yeah, that Mr. Heckles, he was weird, Phoebe said. He always thought we were making noise! She made a face. And he would make things up, like he would say he had a cat. When you would say You don't have a cat.' He would say I could have a cat.' Every time. And remember what he did to Marcel?
Remember when he died? Joey added. And he made us go through all that stuff.
Yeah, and Chandler thought he was gonna be alone forever like Mr. Heckles, Phoebe gave a laugh. And yet, he was the first one married.
Well, technically, Monica got married at the same time as him, Joey pointed out.
Ahhh, but he said I do' before her! Phoebe said with a smile.
Ahhh, you've got a point, Joey frowned. But what about Ross?
Well, Chandler had the first marriage that worked. So far, anyway, Phoebe said. Hey, but if Mr. Heckles hadn't done that to his other roommate, then he wouldn't!
Why does everyone keep thinking that? Chandler asked.
Well, hello, Phoebe said. Joey is like, the thing that put you and Monica together! She was looking for Joey that night, remember?
Yeah, Phoebe's right! Joey said. Yeah, if I hadn't moved in, you and Monica wouldn't have happened!
I still don't know what you guys are talking about.
Look, in London, remember? Monica came to our room, looking for me... he paused. Don't get mad.
I'm over that, Joey.
So, she was looking for me, and she ended up sleeping with you. And you've been together since then.
Well, maybe she would have gone looking for Eric, too?
But is Eric like me? Would Eric be the type of person she would look for for meaningless sex?
Oh my God, you're right! Chandler said. Well, he could have been....
Or, what, what if Eric was actually there that night! Phoebe jumped in.
Joey said. Say he was a meaningless sex kinda guy, which I don't think he is, didn't strike me as the type. Usually the guys who are into meaningless sex have...
Joey, you're getting off topic, Phoebe said.
Oh, right. So say he was there, and Monica had slept with him instead of you! And he probably would have been there, because that bridesmaid was attracted to me because of my How you doin'' bit.
Yeah, and no one else can do that the way Joey does, Phoebe giggled.
You guys are right! If Eric had been my roommate, and not Joey, I never would have ended up with Monica. I really would have been Crazy Snake Man!
Crazy Snake Man, Phoebe said, remembering with a laugh. Oh, please, you could never replace that guy!
There's a real Crazy Snake Man? Joey asked.
Three blocks down! Phoebe said. Joey looked scared.
***
Monica said to Chandler when she got home that night. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV.
Chandler said.
Where've you been all day? she asked. You know, since you don't have a job or anything.
Oh, hung out with the other people around here who don't seem to have jobs, either.
Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel?
Yeah. Although Rachel is just on maternity leave, so she does technically have a job, He said. And Phoebe just never does her job. Oh, and ran into this strange guy, he added.
Well, the city's full of strange guys, she said. I've got one right here, she added with a smirk, sitting down next to him on the couch and kissing him on the cheek.
You know, sometimes I really do think you spend too much time around me.
Yeah, I do, she said. But it's not gonna change so you better get used to me like that. she joked.
You ever think about Mr. Heckles? Chandler asked her.
she said. I haven't thought about him in forever.
I mean, we thought he was so crazy, so annoying, so weird.... Chandler said. Yet, he is partially responsible for the best thing in my life.
Monica asked, confused. What's the best thing in your life?
Right answer, she joked. But I don't understand how Mr. Heckles is responsible for me. Unless he was my real father or something, and I just don't know it.
The crazy guy I was talking about? He was the guy, Eric, who I was going to have as my roommate before Joey, remember?
Oh, yeah. That guy with long hair that didn't show up. And I wanted you to pick Joey because I thought he was cute, she thought about that for a second. Yet I ended up with the other roommate.
The better one, Chandler joked.
Huh, imagine if he had showed up, Monica said. We wouldn't even known Joey. He'd just be that guy on Days of Our Lives.'
Well, see, apparently he did show up. He was right at the door, right out there. Chandler pointed to the hallway. And Mr. Heckles played a trick on him, telling him he was my roommate, and he left.
So Mr. Heckles was responsible for bringing Joey to us. Huh, he probably thought he was playing some terrible trick, yet it ended up being really good for us.
Yeah, and then even better in the end.
Wait, I still don't see what this has to do with me? she asked.
Well, see, if we hadn't met Joey, he wouldn't have been there in London, you wouldn't have been looking for meaningless sex with him, and you wouldn't have ended up sleeping with me. Or maybe you would have come looking for meaningless sex with Eric, and slept with him instead, because maybe he would have been there. And then, we never would have made it as long as we did in secret if Joey hadn't been covering for us.
Wow, I never thought of it like that, Monica said with a smile. Mr. Heckles did all this and he was just trying to be mean.
I kinda feel bad. I mean, we hated him, and yet he did all these good things for us by accident.
Yeah, but thanks to him I got stuck with you, she joked. You know, that's pretty mean.
Haha, I love you, too, Chandler said, sticking his tongue out at her.
I'm just kidding, she said, moving closer to him and giving him a little hug.
I know, Chandler assured her. But you have to remember I got stuck with you, too.
Oh, Chandler! she said, frustrated that he got her back. She shoved him playfully, then threw one of the couch pillows at him. Maybe I was serious.
You never really realize how many little things went in to us getting together. I mean, there was like, five hundred things standing in the way. Like what if Mr. Heckles had never done that? Or if Joey had been in our room that night in London? Or, if--
Monica said, a smile on her face. You think too much.
Yeah, you're right, he said. It's just weird.
Well, yeah. But the way I like to look at it is that all those things happened just so we would get together. And even if it was all coincidence, we're together now, and that's all that really matters.
Maybe Mr. Heckles is in Heaven, or the afterlife, or wherever, moving us all around like puppets.
Now you sound like Phoebe, she giggled. But, I guess it could be a possibility. As if she had heard them talking about her, Phoebe entered.
she greeted them. Okay, Chandler, I knew how you were a tad freaked out about the whole Eric/Joey/Mr. Heckles thing, so I called my psychic advisor.
You what? he asked her.
Yeah, I called her. And she painted me a pretty picture of what life would be like had Joey not been a part of the gang.
You have to be kidding me.
No. Okay, so here it goes. First, remember when we killed Mr. Heckles? You weren't there with us. You were up with Eric at his sister's cabin. So you never really thought about being alone. Anyway, here's how it would be today....
**Alternate Universe**
Hey guys, Monica said, coming into Rachel and Phoebe's apartment.
Phoebe greeted her. Where's Richard?
Monica said. He's been working so much, lately. You'd think he forgot about his wife.
He didn't forget about you, Mon, be serious, Rachel said, filing her nails.
**Present**
Whoa, whoa, whoa, she married Richard? Chandler asked.
Well, yeah, Phoebe said. What'd you think? He was next in line after you, and she never found you.
Can you just let me tell the story? Phoebe asked. Monica looked amused.
Go ahead, Phoebe, I want to see how this goes, Monica said. Chandler shot her a look. I'm kidding, honey, kidding!
Sure you are, he mumbled.
**Alternate Universe...again**
Well, maybe he didn't forget about me, but I never see him when he works all the time like this, Monica said sadly.
How can he have to work so much? He's a doctor, Phoebe said.
Well, yeah, Rachel said. That's exactly why he has to work so much.
Phoebe simply said. She looked up as the door opened. Hey Chandler, she greeted him.
he said with a nod to everyone.
**Present**
Okay, I would not look like that! Chandler protested.
Yes you would, Phoebe said.
No, I wouldn't-
Phoebe and Monica both yelled.
Okay, sorry. Go on.
**Alternate Universe....again!**
Eric and I are going out with these two model girls tonight, Chandler told them.
Wooo hooo, Rachel said. Are they hot?
I don't know, blind date on my part, Chandler said. But they're models! They have to be hot. Eric has never set me up with an un-hot model!
Phoebe said knowingly.
You ever gonna try out a serious relationship? Rachel asked curiously.
Why would I do that? I'm afraid of commitment, and I have a roommate who hooks me up with models.
So you're never gonna have kids? Monica asked.
Nah. Unless a miracle happen,. Chandler said, casually shrugging his shoulders.
You never even think of being married? Rachel asked.
Sure, I think of it. Then I freak out and have to stop.
Well, Monica's married to Richard, Ross is married to Emily, Rachel is engaged... Phoebe said. Are you gonna be the only one not married?
Well, no. Eric isn't gonna be married.
You guys still act like teenagers, Rachel sighed.
Yeah, so? We have fun, Chandler said.
I can't help but wonder where you went wrong. Phoebe said. Okay, that didn't sound right. What I mean is... I can't help but wonder where you missed your chance.
Oh, I never had a chance, he said.
**Present**
Okay, Phoebe, enough with the story! Chandler said. Can't you just tell us how it goes?
That's not as fun, she pouted.
Ross was still married to Emily? Monica asked.
Yeah. See, when Rachel came to tell him she loved him in London, Eric was in charge of watching for her, not Joey. And the reason she slipped past Joey was because he was Joey and kissing Felicity. Eric saw her, talked to her, and made her realize it was a mistake. She went home, upset. Ross never knew she was there, never said Rachel. So, they got married and lived happily ever after.
So then....no Emma? Chandler asked.
Nope, no Emma, Phoebe said.
And no...us, then, Monica said. I got stuck with boring old Richard? Chandler looked at her in surprise. Why do you looked so shocked?
Yep. In London you were upset, but didn't do anything about it. No one there was good for meaningless sex. So you just sat in your room, had ice cream, and cried.
she said. At least in real life I went out and had sex!
Phoebe said. You know how Richard proposed to you when Chandler did?
Well, he still did. Only you had no Chandler, so you accepted his.
Did they ever have kids? Chandler asked.
No. Richard's sperm count was too low. And he didn't want kids badly enough to go through any other methods, like adoption, surrogecy, invitro.
I told you he's good for nothing, Chandler said. Monica rolled her eyes.
I guess that's about it, Phoebe said.
Who did Rachel marry?
Some guy named Jacob.
Monica said. Mr. Heckles did one little thing, and did so much.
Yeah, really, Phoebe said. Emma, you and Chandler, saved Ross from Emily. And you know with Emma, he and Rachel will get back together.
Yeah, we all know it but them.
Next time I run into Mr. Heckles' sprit, Phoebe said. I'll thank him for everyone.
[The end! It's not that long because the idea wasn't made for a long fic, I just wanted to get my If Mr. Heckles had never done that, then maybe everything would be different idea expressed. Thanks for reading!]