A/N: Enjoy the nuts (the girl) and the mushrooms! Ever since PastichePen's "The Nymph and the Waterfall", we've grown attached to gnomes. That somewhat explains this story. Although Pocket Edward is a minor character and the Elizabeth isn't his mum, we thought that Twi-fans out there might enjoy this crackfic and the Twilight references embedded in it.
Once upon a time, in the far, far away land of Wally World (only 5 miles from here, actually), I came into conscious existence. (I was "born" in China, not that I remember that. One factory is much like any other one, I presume.) My home was a metal shelf in the garden section, right beside my dozens of clones. It was here that, by an errant rumor, I came to know of the outside world.
I heard stories of glorious gardens, mystical mushrooms (not the psychedelic kind…the talking kind! Well, maybe those people that said the mushrooms talked were on the psychedelic kind….) My friends—the pansies—were quite the gossipers. They would tell stories that they heard from passing humans about places called yards and farms. Having been inside for my entire life, I had never seen grass, smelled soil, felt wind, or battled the evil grubs. It was at this point that I created my plan to escape into this wildly exotic land of adventures.
It was very well thought out, truly it was. But as the saying goes, "the best laid plans of mice and gnomes go oft awry." Myplan went awry as this holiday called "April Fool's" approached. I was sitting on my shelf, just like every other day, waiting for a change in work shifts to break my motionless pose. That day, fate was not on my side, for as noon drew near, a middle-aged man approached my territory.
He was in his fifties, and had brown hair that was streaked with silver. He walked up to Eric—the worker that was just leaving my aisle—and started talking to him about something called a lunch break and a gag gift. Their discussion seemed of little importance to me, just some mundane human discourse. Golly gee gnomes, was I wrong!
Soon, as the pimply-faced Eric left our aisle, the curious man sallied towards my shelf with a purpose. Glancing at his watch hurriedly, he reached out his hand. At that moment, time froze. The next seconds seemed like years. The hand drew slowly closer, closer, closer, until just one finger poked my nose before roughly grabbing my lovely red cap.
"Yes, you are perfect!" he said, rushing us down the aisle and towards a different part of the store that I had never seen before. He practically threw me into the arms of the cashier as he dug a ten dollar bill out of his wallet. Not waiting for a bag, he once again grabbed me and out the door we dashed.
I was thrown into the passenger seat of his vehicle—how do I know about such things as cars? The pansies!—and was soon strapped in by the man. Glancing at me out of the corner of his eye, he turned on the vehicle and peeled out of the parking lot.
"You're going to a new home, little gnome! Haha, I'm a poet, and I just don't know it! You made me rhyme; you should do time!" laughed the man, whose sanity I was beginning to question. "You know where you're going? You're going to the library. Well, actually, the high school library. You'll be sitting on a lovely lady's desk," he said with a hint of teasing sarcasm. This was just too much to take in for my little gnomish brain. The radio turned on to some jazz station, replacing his chatter with elevator musak—not much of an improvement.
After hours of travel—five minutes, actually—the car stopped outside of a plain brick building with a strange roof that looked like it had caved in. 'Twas an ugly building, a scar on the landscape. "Welcome to your new home, Gnome!" he once again cackled at his own 'brilliance.' What an idiot. He grabbed me again as he jumped out of the car and dashed through the front entrance of the building.
"Isn't he cute?" cooed the ladies sitting at desks in the entrance.
"If you say so…I think he's hideous. But shhhh…don't tell her!" he rudely exclaimed. I was—and still am—not hideous. I am beautiful! His grating voice once again broke my reverie. "But if you want to visit him again, you know where to find him!"
"Football practice?" someone joked.
"Nope…the library!" he triumphantly yelled and, with a flourish, exited the room with me in tow. No, with me in hand, gripped like a football in an ever ironic situation. He charged up the staircase and skidded to a halt outside an ominous fluorescently lighted room labeled "LIBRARY". Oh fiddle-sticks. The end had come.
Fade to black…
I sat on the librarian's miserable desk for years. Gnommish years…I guess humans call them weeks…or days…or minutes. My life is so dreadfully boring now that time has ceased to mean anything to me. However long I was there, that high school was purgatory. However, I began to hear talk of a wonderful thing called Spring Break. The time had come for me to plan my escape to the outside world. Perhaps that was too big of a step for my little legs. Just getting out of this library would suffice!
It was the end of the last day of school before break, and I was positive that everyone had left and that I was free to flee. I slowly formed a plan. Now all I had to do was find a way to get off the desk and I would be on my jolly way to freedom!
She had put me near a potted plant near the corner of the checkout desk, so I edged my way to the ledge of the desk. I valiantly wobbled back and forth, back and forth, and finally tipped over the edge of the desk and fell splat upon the floor. Thank gnomeness I'm plastic, for I would have shattered if I were made of anything else.
Just then, one of the more frequent visitors to the prison of the library entered the room—cell. Luckily, she left the door ajar in her haste. Unluckily, she was quite observant and noticed that I was not in my normal place. I had managed to retreat around the corner of the desk, so she could not see me immediately.
"Pocket Edward. I could swear I left him on this table," she murmured to herself. "If I don't find him, Taylor is going to kill me!" Turning to look at the main desk beside her, she noticed a vacancy on the desk. Uh oh. "Oh Gnomey? Where are you?" she called in a sing-song voice and dropped to her hands and knees to look for me on the floor. Back and forth she went, crawling between each desk while calling for me all the while. "Gnommmmeeeyyyyy…..Gnommmmeeeyyyyy…..Where areeeee you?" No response was the best response.
I teeter-tottered away from the crazy girl as fast as my little plastic base could take me. Not too fast, to say the least. I then slowly crept through the fiction books and over to the biography section—a better hiding place. I was trying to sneak along the wall beside the office, but when I heard her stand up, I darted onto a shelf in between some paperback books. I stood, trembling, as she walked out of the fiction section and towards the mother of all dictionaries to look for me near the computers. Deciding to take a risk, I hopped along the back wall until I reached the shelves parallel to my first hiding spot.
She must have seen a flash of my red cap, for she turned back and glanced at the fiction books again. Luckily for me, I had hidden in between more books.
"I smell gnome!" she called out, apparently suspicious of my whereabouts. She went to go check where I had hidden previously while I sat and watched her from my new position. "Hmm. Could've sworn that I glimpsed a pointy red cap somewhere near here."
"Nope!" I mentally popped the 'P'. "Wrong again, lady." She turned around and scanned the rest of the library again. Had I said that out loud?
"What was that?" she asked. When no one responded, she turned back around to her task, muttering, "I must be going nuts." I had to take the chance. I jumped down and toddled around that shelf of books and went to hide behind the biographies on that shelf. "I know where I haven't looked yet…the nonfiction section! Although who would put a gnome there, I'll never know." I had no where else to go. I needed a miracle at this point. I backed up until I thought I would hit a shelf. Instead, I hit plastic.
"Are you in need of assistance?" a masculine voice muttered. I turned around to see a strikingly handsome four inch tall figurine.
"You, a doll, would help me?" We gnomes had not gotten along well with the Barbie's in Walmart.
"Of course. I want my freedom just as badly as you do. To run and hunt mountain lions in the wild, and feel the wind in my bouffant, ah…," he sighed. After a pause, "Yes, I am the "Pocket Edward" that she's looking for," he answered what I had been wondering in my thoughts.
"How did you read my mind?" I gasped.
"It's always the same question. 'Who are you? How did you read my mind? How did you get such fabulous hair?' It's not important. But I do get that all the time. Come on, let's get you out of here. The library is no place for a gnome. You should meet my love, Bella…I'm sure she'd love you. She does have a penchant for wild animals…" And with that, he grabbed me with his small plastic hand and tugged me behind a different bookcase just in time to avoid the girl who had just appeared in front of the aisle, she shadow looming over the carpet ominously.
"We need a plan," he whispered. "Go peek around the left side of this shelf. I'll take this side." I rushed to do my dazzling savior's bidding. I saw nothing. "Go! Go!" came his hurried instructions. I ran back around to the front of the bookshelf and hid, waiting for him. I blinked, and he was suddenly standing beside me on the shelf. "Go back to my corner," he instructed. "You'll be safe. Temporarily."
Meanwhile, the girl was on the opposite side of the shelf. I ran to my assigned spot, peering around the corner of the shelf to see if I was safe. I looked just in time to see her turn the corner. Stopping abruptly, she turned back around to look at where I was. I jerked around, back pressed firmly against the shelf. "I'm seeing things, too," she muttered.
All of a sudden, I heard a crash from the far side of the room, near the main desk that I had been sitting on for so long. The crazy chick jerked around and saw—well, I'm not quite sure what she saw. I took the opportunity and re-circled the shelf and scurried down the small hall and towards the computer labs. Chancing a backwards glance, I saw that Pocket Edward had somehow knocked her books off of a desk and was standing on the desk, sacrificing himself for me.
"Oh Pocket Edward…My love, I found you!" I could clearly see the tortured expression on his flawless visage.
With tears in my eyes, I promised myself that one day I would return to aid my valiant savior from the purgatory that he endured. While the girl was picking up her books off the floor, he gestured over her shoulder that I should depart. He mouthed the words, "Save yourself!" and then I made a mad dash for the door at the end of the hall. Magicking the door open, I was free. Until…
"What is this awful creature?" a voice spat with scorn as I was roughly grabbed once again. "A gnome! Ugh! Well, at least I know someone who will love you. Her name is Elizabeth, and, in fact, I believe she's still here." She set off down the hall.
Bloody human. Blast. Foiled…but for the last time, I promise you.
A/N: So...yeah. Ending line is from a Blue October album. Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. =)