****AUTHOR'S NOTE: Daryl Dixon, the pushy gorgeous bastard has been kicking around in the back of my skull for the past week. I tried to appease him by expanding my previous Walking Dead one-shot into a kind of origins story, but he was unimpressed, so I had to move on to something else and this is the result. I love the Jonathan Coulton song "RE: Your Brains" and I was listening to it the other day and my little mental redneck really dug it, so I thought…hey songfic! Woot Woot! Anyway, this is just a nonsensical little piece that's helping keep me sane while my brain whirls. Enjoy!****
Every. Time. Dammit, every frickin' time. One day I'll learn, Glenn thought to himself. Not that it did them much good now, though. Pure insanity.
Safety in numbers, Rick had said.
The RV is safer than one of the cars, Shane had added. Higher windows.
Of course, T-Dawg had wanted to come along and Daryl, too, in that never ending search for that no-good douchebag brother of his.
Dale, of course, wanted to drive and Andrea just kind of floated along. Rick had proposed Shane stay behind with his Mossberg and the women and kids, but Lori had kicked up a fuss so she tagged along, and Carol and Sophia certainly weren't gonna stay behind alone, so here they all were piled in the RV trapped at an intersection by a mass of walkers.
Luckily very quickly after Dale realized he wasn't going to be able to drive immediately out, he had killed the engine and the lights and the geeks were rapidly losing interest.
Like an extended family on a doomed trip to the Grand Canyon, the entire group now sat staring out of the windows, lost in their own thoughts. Glenn had taken up a vigil in the driver's seat, his sneaker-clad feet kicked up on the dash, remembering how much he had hated road trips when he was a kid.
Nearly all the geeks were gone by now, peeling off one by one and disappearing into the darkness.
All but one.
Standing in the middle of the street, staring at the RV, this guy just wasn't moving. Period.
There was something strangely familiar about him and Glenn couldn't quite figure it out, so he stared back. Nothing else to do really.
Then it hit him. This geek looked exactly like Glenn's old manager at the Pizza Shack.
He almost laughed out loud. That was just crazy! The guy had been kind of an asshat, anyway, Glenn remembered. One of those guys who got into a managerial position and instantly lost all manner of social skills. He had always reminded Glenn of the boss from Office Space. Always hanging around, never really accomplishing anything. Always sending emails and writing memos, like Pizza Shack had been some kind of multi-national corporation with a hundred employees, instead of a hole in the wall with three cooks and two drivers.
Glenn could almost see the email that he would have written encompassing the last couple of months.
RE: Walker Apocalypse.
RE: Your Brains, Glenn did snicker out loud at that and with little else to do, he started singing to himself.
"Heya Tom, it's Bob,
From the Office Down the Hall."
Slowly ten pairs of eyes turned on him like he had lost his mind. He ignored them.
"Good to see you, buddy,
How've you been?"
He could feel confusion closing in on him, and Rick slowly approached, extending a hand, fingers down, like Glenn was a rabid dog who might snap them off at the knuckle.
"Things have been okay for me,
Except that I'm a zombie, now."
"Glenn?" Rick was cautiously asking as a tiny voice spoke up behind him.
"I really wish you'd let us in," Karl chimed in.
"I think I speak for all of us,
When I say, I understand," Darryl added from his spot, crouched on the floor, no song in his voice and his eyes never leaving the window.
"Why you folks might hesitate,
To submit to our demands," Glenn and Karl sang.
"But here's an FYI," Andrea added sadly, Dale giving her a confused look.
Glenn slacked off on the next line, not wanting to ruffle any feathers, but Karl had no such qualms, it seemed, as he rang out, "You're all gonna die screaming."
"All we wanna do is eat your brains," Glenn, Karl, Daryl and Andrea sang.
"We're not unreasonable," Glenn continued.
"I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes," Daryl added.
"All we wanna do is eat your brains," the four sang again.
"We're at an impasse here," Karl took over, "Maybe we should compromise."
A thoughtful pause, "If you open up the door, we'll all come inside and eat your brains," Lori sang.
"What the hell?" Shane asked.
"It's a song," Andrea supplied, her mouth as close to a smile as it had been since Amy.
"About zombies?" T-Dawg asked from the back of the RV.
"One of Karl's favorites," Lori added, touching the kid's hair.
"He played it all the time," Rick said, realization crossing his features.
Karl scooted closer to Sophia to guide her through the sing-a-long as Glenn kicked off the second verse, "I don't wanna nitpick, Tom, but is this really your plan?"
"Spend your whole life locked inside a mall?" Rick and Lori intoned, snuggling.
"Maybe that's okay for now, but someday you'll be out of food and guns," Glenn and Daryl sang.
"Then you'll have to make the call," Rick bowed his head.
"I'm not surprised to see you haven't thought it through enough.
You never had the head for all that bigger picture stuff," Andrea picked up.
"But, Tom, that's what I do," Karl and Sophia sang from the floor. "And I plan on eating you slowly."
"All we wanna do is eat your brains," the chorus rang out in the RV, seven voices strong now that Lori, Rick and Sophia joined in.
"We're not unreasonable," Glenn started.
"I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes," Darryl wrapped up, a redneck grin on his grubby face.
"All we wanna do is eat your brains," they sang, Carol and Dale reluctantly joining in with the merriment at the urging of Sophia and Andrea.
"We're at an impasse, here," Rick sang.
"Maybe we should compromise," Lori and Andrea responded.
"If you open up the door,
We'll all come inside and eat your brains," Karl and Sophia trilled.
"I'd like to help you, Tom, in anyway I can," Glenn rang out,
"I sure appreciate the way you're working with me.
I'm not a monster, Tom…well, technically I am. I guess I am."
Daryl stood up then and totally rocked an air guitar solo on his crossbow to the mutual enjoyment of all. He slowly sank back into his hunter's crouch still strumming, until Glenn picked up verse three. "I've got another meeting, Tom,
Maybe we can wrap it up."
"I know we'll get to common ground, somehow," Andrea sang, real laughter in her voice.
"Meanwhile, I'll report back to my colleagues,
Who are chewing on the doors," Daryl sang, the goofy grin still on his face.
"Guess we'll table this for now," Karl and Sophia sang.
"I'm glad to see you take,
Constructive criticism well," Glenn sang.
"Thank you for your time,
I know we're all busy as hell," Lori sang.
"And we'll put this thing to bed," Rick added.
And everyone joined in "When I bash your head open!
All we wanna do is eat your brains."
"We're not unreasonable," Glenn sang.
"I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes," Daryl sang.
"All we wanna do is eat your brains," this time even Shane and T-Dawg joining in.
"We're at an impasse here,
Maybe we should compromise.
If you open up the door,
We'll all come inside,
And eat your brains!"
As the song died away the kids continued giggling and everyone was talking. The geeks continued to melt away from the RV and Glenn figured they'd be able to drive out in another couple of hours.
Glenn spun in the captain's chair, surveying the crew. Shane and Rick and Lori were all speaking civilly to each other which Glenn couldn't ever remember happening.
Andrea was smiling. Genuinely happy, which seemed to make Dale happy.
Karl was animatedly telling Carol how he had heard the song the first time, and even T-Dawg and Daryl seemed friendly. "Too bad nobody knows any David Allen Coe. That's some singin' music."
T-Dawg shook his head, "White people."
Glenn just smiled his mega-watt smile and spun back to the front of the RV. The geek that had looked like his old manager was long gone.
Served his purpose, Glenn supposed, as he removed his cap, ran fingers through his hair then resettled the cap slightly lower on his head. Letting his eyes close, and listening to the bordering on normal conversation rumbling behind him, Glenn fell asleep humming to himself.