AN: I have no idea what this is. It's too long to be a drabble, too short to be a short story. I suppose it's a lament. In any case, there's not enough Deuteronomy fics out there, so I thought I'd add something.

I am the Jellicle leader. I have been since I was very young, younger than some of the tribe's kittens. I have never liked it.

I didn't want the throne. When my father died, I tried to avoid it. I tried to pass it off to my brothers; two were only moments younger than I. But none would take it; they all said I would be the best tom for the job. But I never wanted it. I took it because I had no choice.

They're all dead now, my siblings. My mates as well. Even some of my kittens, although many are still around. Munkustrap, Macavity, the Rum Tum Tugger, Coricopat and Tantomile, Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer (to most cats' surprise), and Victoria, the youngest. There's the next generation of my progeny, of course. Etcetera is the kit of my now deceased son and Jellylorum, and Jemima resulted in a raping of a non-Jellicle by Macavity.

But I'm still here.

Munkustrap will take the throne when I finally pass on, I suppose. He is the eldest, and none will challenge him. He is the best tom for the job.

I wonder if he wants it.

I've asked him if he wants to be the Jellicle leader, and he says that he does. I told my father the same thing. I cannot tell if he is lying or not. It doesn't matter if he is. He doesn't really have much of a choice.

There is only one real reason I do not enjoy being the leader. That reason is power.

Power is a thing that has always frightened me. I do not know why. Maybe it is because I once watched my father judge cats who had been convicted of crimes. He would sentence them to beatings, banishment, even death. He held their very life in his paw. I never liked that.

I tried not to judge. I banished Macavity, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, even though he had killed a cat and admitted that he had enjoyed it. I have never had a cat beaten or killed. I could never bring myself to do it.

The Jellicles would do anything I asked them to do. If I ordered them off to war, they would go to war. If I told them the sky was green, they would see it was green instantly. If I told them to go jump off a bridge, they probably would.

That's what scares me.

One cats should not posses such power, should not hold the lives of so many cats in his paw. I pity my son for he must inherit this burden. I pity the Jellicles for being so blind. I pity myself because I am not dead.

I have made many mistakes. My tribe looks away from them and calls me a god. I have never ordered a cat to death but I have sent them to their deaths through my actions.

Everlasting Cat, I just want to die.