Chapter 1
(Magnus POV)
Alec and Magnus had been best friends since kindergarten. Magnus smiled at the recollection of meeting Alec for the first time. It all started during lunch on the first day of school. As Magnus walked outside to eat his lunch, he noticed a small boy crying under a tree. Not really thinking about it, he walked over to the boy, sat down, and introduced himself. Learning that his name was Alec, and that he had forgotten his lunch, Magnus smiled and held out his own lunch box. It's funny, Magnus mused, how half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an Oreo cookie could change a person's life. But now that friendship was over. All because of one minute that could never be taken back.
Magnus angrily kicked a stone as he thought about how stupid he had been. He just lost his best friend of nine years. No, ten he thought. A decade of friendship gone; in the blink of an eye. A softly spoken 'damn' slipped from his lips as his mind relived the last time he saw Alec…
It had started out innocently enough. School was starting in a little over a week, and the two of them decided to spend one of their last free days down by the river. It had been their place all summer; their place to go to get away from the grown-ups in their lives; to get away from their problems. They didn't even invite the rest of the gang. It was their place. Discussions that could never have happened elsewhere were able to occur here. It was where they went to escape. Today was supposed to be just like every other day they had spent at the river that summer, carefree and fun. It regrettably had been anything but that.
They sat on the large boulder near the river's edge tossing rocks into the water. Their conversation had meandered from the end of summer and the start of school to when they thought they would be able to come back to visit the river. Magnus was only half paying attention to Alec as he discussed the various extracurricular possibilities that he was considering joining since they had managed to survive their first year of high school last year and he wanted to do something besides just classes this year. As much as he wanted to pay attention to Alec, Magnus couldn't help but think of his real motive for wanting to come to the river today. He turned to Alec, opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Instead of speaking, he kissed him…
Magnus shook his head, dispelling the image of Alec from his mind. Harder to ignore was the phantom lingering of the feel of Alec's lips on his. Crying out with the pain that the thought of losing his best friend meant, he closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to leak out. What had he been thinking when he kissed Alec?
(Alec POV)
Alec was curious. Usually it was he who suggested the river. But this morning, Magnus called and said that he wanted to visit their spot. Knowing that it would be awhile before the two of them would be able to go again, Alec quickly agreed.
As he walked towards the meeting place, Alec thought about all the times he and Magnus had gone to the river. He wasn't sure why Magnus liked it, but he loved the quiet beauty of the spot. The sunlight would filter through the trees, bathing the ground in alternating patterns of light and dark – almost as if it were trying to turn the forest floor into a checkerboard. The river itself wasn't very deep or wide – Alec could jump from one side to the other without much trouble – in fact it wasn't really remarkable in any way, and yet there was something about the spot that made it unique. The river had become a constant in his life, and although it never stopped flowing and changing, the transformation was so subtle that it seemed life completely stopped when he and Magnus came to their spot. He was looking forward to a little peace from the frantic start of school rituals.
Magnus had sounded anxious on the phone; it reminded Alec when he called Magnus two years ago, needing something, someone. Magnus had suggested the river, and it was there, as Magnus held him, that Alec was able to mourn the recent tragic death of his youngest brother. With this thought firmly in his head, Alec picked up his pace. Something was bothering Magnus, and while he didn't know what it was, he knew that he would be there no matter what. He owed his best friend that much at least.
Magnus was already on the flat rock that the two of them used as a bench when he got there. Magnus had piled up a stack of rocks next to him, and was absentmindedly tossing them into the river. Alec stopped on the edge of the clearing and took a good look at his best friend. To a casual onlooker, Magnus would look like a bored teenage boy, but Alec knew better. The tilt of the head was wrong, as was the slump of Magnus's shoulders. Something clearly was bothering him. Alec took a deep breath, and stepped out towards the rock.
As they sat on the beach throwing rocks into the river they discussed the upcoming year. Magnus was being distant, but Alec knew that when his friend was ready, the truth would come out. He was worried of course. Magnus rarely ever kept anything from him, often telling him whatever was on his mind at the moment. Only a handful of times had Magnus ever really kept anything from him, and those secrets were revealed after only a couple of days. This was different, though. This was something big and it worried him.
Slyly, Alec stole a glance at his friend and repressed a smile. As usual Magnus had chosen the side of the rock that was in the sun, and Alec silently chuckled to himself knowing that by now it was probably an unconscious decision. Magnus hated the way he looked under artificial lights, and Alec had to agree that his best friend looked completely different when in the sunlight. Inside, Magnus's hair was a flat, matte black. In the sun however, it was beautiful. Even Alec had to admit it. Like today – the sunlight reflected off his hair causing a rainbow of colors to be visible. It was almost like looking at an oil spill in the sunlight Alec often thought, although he never would have mentioned that particular thought to Magnus. Magnus was just a little vain when it came to his hair, normally styling it into spikes, and commenting frequently that it was his best feature. Alec took it as a very bad sign that Magnus had clearly put none of his usual effort into his hair that morning, and thus kept having to brush it out of his eyes each time the wind blew through the trees.
Although Magnus was staring at the pile of rocks, his friend's green eyes were looking at something far beyond the little stones. Alec was familiar with the intensity of those eyes, but the confusion, hurt, and pain that was so readily apparent in them was all new. He almost broke his resolve in order to ask Magnus what was wrong, but held back. Magnus would speak up when he was ready to. Instead he started to discuss the benefits of joining an extracurricular activity. He was looking forward to joining a club or sports team, and was hoping that Magnus would join with him. They had joined none their freshman year, and although he hated to admit his father was right, they were entering their sophomore year and it would look good on his transcripts.
He was in the middle of discussing trying out for the soccer team when the sun came out from behind the trees, and bathed his side of the rock in sun. Magnus suddenly turned to him, and thinking that this was the moment he would finally explain to him what was wrong, he was surprised to find Magnus's lips on his.
(Magnus POV)
His musings had taken him to the town's playground, and since there was nobody around, Magnus decided to sit on the swings to contemplate his mistake even further. Sighing, Magnus looked up at the clear blue sky. It was really the weather's fault; if it had been cloudy today, he probably wouldn't have made the mistake he just made.
Magnus never really kept secrets from Alec – he just couldn't. It didn't feel right not telling his best friend everything. Except for the one secret – the most important one – the one that he was supposed to tell Alec today but didn't. Heading into their sophomore year of high school, Magnus thought it was about time to finally come out to his best friend. He had been working up to it all summer. Trying to figure out the best way to phrase it, to explain it. Trying to imagine what Alec's reaction would be. Each time he tried to bring it up, he chickened out. He didn't think he could survive if he saw hate in Alec's eyes. It sucks to be in love with your best friend.
Magnus had been awakened this morning by the same reoccurring nightmare he had been having all summer. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he tried to banish the look of utter hate and disgust from Alec's beautiful blue eyes. Today was the day he thought. No matter the outcome, today he would tell Alec that he was gay; he would leave out the part about being in love with him – Alec did not need to know that part of it.
And so he had called Alec, feeling sick to his stomach. They had agreed to meet at the river, and dreading the result of the upcoming conversation, Magnus had thrown on a sweatshirt, and had headed out to meet his friend. Thankfully, he had arrived at the spot before Alec did, and sat down on the only sunny part of the large rock they used as a bench. Magnus didn't trust himself to be able to just stop at saying the words that he was gay, and not spilling all of the details – especially if Alec was able to sit in the sun.
Magnus had never seen anything as beautiful as Alec in the sun. It hurt each time he looked at Alec, knowing that he would never be able to be with him, but it was infinitely worse when Alec was in sunlight. In the shade, Alec's hair was a deep, inky black, but in the sun, other colors became apparent. It shined silver-blue in the sun, and his skinned glowed with an inner light. The sun made Alec's blue eyes sparkle, reminding Magnus of a crystal clear lake that one can see straight to the bottom of. More than once, Magnus had been struck speechless by Alec, and he had no desire to be in that position today. Alec must not sit in the sun until their discussion had been finished. Whatever the outcome Magnus thought gloomily.
The two of them had been at the river for over an hour before Magnus decided to open his mouth to tell Alec he was gay. He knew that it would be rude to interrupt Alec in the middle of his ramblings about extracurricular activities, but now was the time, if ever.
Pushing off on the ground to set his swing in motion, Magnus closed his eyes wanting to relive what happened next. He had turned to Alec to broach the topic when the sunlight came streaming through the trees at that exact moment. The sun turned Alec's hair into a shining beacon of silver, and Magnus wanted nothing more than to run his fingers through it, while gently pulling Alec's mouth to his.
Before he could even think about what he was doing, he had leaned over and done just that. His fingers intertwined in Alec's slightly curly hair, and he very gently pulled Alec's head down to his. The moment his lips touched Alec's lips it was as if his heart had taken flight. His lips were so soft, and yet they had a firmness to them that Magnus couldn't resist. He tenderly nibbled Alec's lower lip, and when Alec gasped in surprise, he slid his tongue inside. He ran his tongue over the inside of Alec's mouth, tracing designs and flicking Alec's tongue with his own. He slowly withdrew his tongue, in favor of sucking on Alec's upper lip. Magnus was in the process of lightly tracing Alec's lips with his tongue when he opened his eyes. And saw Alec's wide opened eyes staring back at him in shock.
The look in Alec's eyes said everything. Magnus released his grip on Alec's head, and as quickly as the kiss had started it ended. Without saying a word, Magnus stood up and backed away from his friend. At the edge of the clearing he had stolen once last glance back, only to see Alec staring at him in complete shock. Hanging his head in defeat, Magnus turned and walked away.
Coming back to the present, Magnus shook his head at his stupidity. In hindsight he knew that it wasn't really the weather's fault. You can't blame the sun for what he did – he only had himself to blame for the loss of his friendship. Maybe if he had told Alec earlier then this never would have happened – four years was a long time to keep a secret from your best friend, especially when you love him. Instead he had been a chicken – too scared of how Alec would take the news of his best friend being gay. Well, the cat's out of the bag Magnus thought. He now knows that not only am I gay, but I'm in love with him as well. Maybe this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up soon he hoped.
He closed his eyes, but instead of welcome darkness, he was haunted by vision of Alec's eyes. Those beautiful deep blue eyes the color of the ocean. He wanted to fall into those depths and drown. Magnus pressed his palms into his eyes in hopes of blocking out Alec's gaze and wept. Wept for what he had done. And he wept for what he had just lost.
(Alec POV)
Magnus suddenly turned to him, and thinking that this was the moment he would finally explain to him what was wrong, he was surprised to find Magnus's lips on his. Alec was shocked into paralysis. Magnus was softly kissing his lips, lightly pressuring them further and further apart. Suddenly Magnus gently bit down on his lower lip, and he gasped, not in surprise but in the jolt of electricity that coursed through his body. He involuntarily opened his lips and unexpectedly he found Magnus's tongue swirling throughout his mouth. It was exploring the far depths of his mouth and lightly caressing the tip of his tongue.
Alec never had experienced anything like it before and was about to sigh in pleasure when he realized that it was his best friend kissing him. His eyes flew open to stare at Magnus – his mind begging Magnus to stop while the rest of his body so desperately wanted him to continue. As if he had sensed the warring between his mind and his body, Magnus opened his eyes and looked into Alec's eyes. He reacted as if Alec had shot him. His tongue stopped tracing Alec's lips and his hand snaked down from the grip he had of Alec's hair. And then he was gone. He gave Alec one last look at the edge of the forest, and Alec almost called out for him to come back, but didn't. And then Magnus was gone, and he was alone.
Oh my god Alec thought. Whatever he was expecting Magnus to tell him, it wasn't that. And his reaction to it? What was that about?
He closed his eyes, gently biting his lip in thought. Almost immediately he felt Magnus's lips and tongue kissing, caressing, tracing along his, and again he felt the electricity course through his body at the thought of continuing that kiss. Shuddering at the thought, his eyes flew open, and he abruptly abandoned that train of thought. It was wrong. Magnus was his best friend; his gay best friend he amended. And well, Alec thought, he just didn't feel the same way. Sure Magnus was his best friend, the one he went to with everything, but he didn't love Magnus. Did he?
Again he closed his eyes and recalled the way Magnus's lips felt on his, and the way Magnus's tongue explored the far reaches of his mouth. He could feel Magnus's teeth tenderly nibbling on his lips, and the gentle sucking of his lips. It was as if Magnus was still there, and his eyes flew open expecting to find Magnus still kissing him. But Magnus was gone, and it was only in his memory.
No, Alec thought, he didn't feel the same way towards Magnus that Magnus clearly felt towards him. He loved Magnus, but as a friend not as a lover. His body had only reacted the way it did because he was shocked. Yes that was what it was, shock. The tears started falling then. Oh god, he thought, please let Magnus be alright; this has got to be harder on him then me.
He sat there for a long time watching the river flow past; always changing, always different. He thought about the friendship that had grown between Magnus and himself. He thought about how his best friend had kept the secret of being gay to himself, and he couldn't help but wonder for how long it had been a secret and why Magnus didn't trust him enough to tell him sooner. Mostly though he wondered how Magnus was accepting what had happened. Alec wasn't mad, shocked certainly, but not mad. He feared though that Magnus would take it badly. He pulled out his phone to call Magnus. Beg him if necessary to come back and talk; to work through this all. But looking at Magnus's smiling face in his phone he couldn't bear to hit the call button. Fresh tears started falling as Alec realized that he probably had just lost his best friend for good. Because he knew Magnus as well as he knew himself. And Magnus would never forgive himself for kissing Alec.
And with tears quietly streaming down his face, he stood up and headed for home. Wondering when, and if, he and Magnus would ever be able to be best friends again.