Notes: 1) Anything said in this column is not legally the responsibility of Picture News, nor does it represent the views of any of its editors or owners.

2) The Pied Piper is a disturbed, possibly mentally ill twenty year old supervillain. Nothing he writes should be taken as a sensible or lawful course of action.

3) The Pied Piper is not contractually obligated to write pieces for this paper, and, as such, updates will be sporadic and infrequent.

The Rogues - An Exclusive Article by the Pied Piper

I feel like I need to at least try to get the truth out here. That's why I'm agreeing to do this stupid-ass article (and it's totally not to get Mrs West-Allen off my back, because damn is she one scary reporter).

We Rogues are a family, simple as that.

Okay sure, we're not a normal family, but it's the thought (and the resisting the strong urges to kill each other) that counts.

In the beginning there was Mick and Len. As different as fire and ice, they were the two founding members of the Rogues and everyone, including them, spends a hell of a lot of time wondering how they haven't killed each other yet. Even the press don't get it, (not that the press understand anything, least of all how to write a decent article and check their facts...please don't kill me Mrs West-Allen, I didn't mean you…). So yeah, daily life between Captain Cold and Heat Wave as you civvies would know them is pretty much a permanent version of World War Three, the most frequent installment of which is who has the right to steal Mark's weather wand to make the weather colder or hotter respectively. And considering Heat Wave occasionally spontaneously combusts, and Captain Cold unconsciously drops the temperature around him to subzero, it's a pretty serious debate. But hey, at least the Flash provides a common source of enmity for them to team up against, and they rescue each other from prison just as readily as they'd rescue the rest of us, so I guess that proves they like each other well enough.

Wow, I can't believe I've managed to piss off three of the scariest people in Central in one paragraph alone. Two Rogues and Iris West-Allen. I'm on a roll here.

Okay, where was I. Ah right, next Rogue then. So...Mark I guess, he joined up next after all. Weather Wizard is a pretty chill guy, but once you get him mad he can really whip up a storm. That city block that got tornado-d last week? Yup, that was Mark when he couldn't find his wand. Who knew he could do the whole weather shebang without the old Elder Wand? (Well, we did, but that's beside the point). Turns out the stupid thing had just rolled under the sofa, but Flash rebuilt the whole block in about 10 minutes flat, so any with a complaint can go complain to the 'Monarch of Motion'. (Which one of you journalists comes up with all these stupid monikers anyway? The 'Scarlet Speedster', the 'Crimson Comet' and the 'Sultan of Speed'? What are you people smoking and where can I get some? Joking, don't do drugs kids.) Seriously, you're gonna give Captain Skidoo an ego boost, and let me tell you, I personally know he doesn't need another one. Thank god for the Rogues taking him down a peg every so often, hey?

Speaking of Captains, let's move on to the other one in our little family, Captain Boomerang. Seriously, in our base shouting 'Captain' is a game where you see which one shows up first to murder you with their preferred weapon. And to be fair, more often than not it's our loveable Australian kangaroo. (He's so gonna kill me if he reads this. Oh well, I've probably managed to piss off every single person I've mentioned in this piece so far, but hey, I'm currently eating the last of our Easter chocolate so we're good). You see, Boomerang is ex-ASIS (that's the Aussie secret service for all the Americans who don't know the rest of the world exists), and when he's not shouting about how none of us appreciate cricket like we should, he actually moves like a bloody ninja. Seriously, one minute you're drinking the last of the beer, the next you've got a deep scratch over the back of your hand and half your hair's missing because Captain Koala just chucked a boomerang at you from the rafters. (Don't drink either kids. I know I'm only 20 and I'm a supervillain so I can't really lecture you about the law like old Greased Lightning but trust me, I've been arrested more for being Drunk and Disorderly than actually committing crimes, so don't freaking drink). I'm pretty sure he's up there right now, watching me eat all Len's chocolate and smirking wickedly, but I can't tell because if I didn't know he was 100% human I'd swear he was made of shadows.

Or part of the Bat Clan. Now there's a scary thought. He even shares their weird obsession with projectile weapons. Hmm… Conspiracy theorists, get on that.

Then there's Lisa. Lisa Lisa Lisa. The Golden Glider who could kill you just as easily as with a smile as with her ice skates. Here's a hint to anyone that fancies her: don't. First of all, she can easily kill you herself, and without getting so much as a hair knocked out of place -because she's just that good. Plus she can do that whole creepy glowing astral projection thingy that gives even hardened criminals like Luthor the shivers. Then there's her husband the Top, who's very willing to utterly scramble the brains of anyone who upsets his wife, and is or is not a Rogue himself depending on who you ask. And finally, Captain Cold will defend his baby sister past all logic, not to mention she's practically the honorary bossy big sister to all of us, so it's really not worth it to be that creepy guy on the forums. You know who you are, and I'm telling you now, back off.

Sam just warped in through the shiny granite work surface and nearly set his hair on fire on the hob. You know you're a proper Rogue when you just shrug and hand him a beer and a shard of chocolate. That's Mirror Master I'm talking (writing?) about if you can't tell. Now Sam, Sam's pretty mellow. If the rest of the Rogues start joining Mick and Len in their perma-argument, Sam just sticks us all in the mirror dimension and won't let us out until we're all friends again. It's unconventional for sure, but it's more effective than any therapist I've ever been sent to. Damn, I haven't said anything offensive about Sam yet. Um...quit eating my pilfered chocolate you fat pig or you won't fit in your stupid orange outfit. Honestly you couldn't be more unfashionable if you tried.

Now speaking of unfashionable, there's Trickster. Yes, he's my boyfriend, and anyone who has a problem with that can have a conversation with the sharpened end of my flute. Honestly, why do you people even try to make homophobic comments to two gay/bi supervillains? That's actually stupider than telling Digger that cricket is a stupid sport (which it really is, sorry dude). Tricks is awesome -I know I'm biased but it's true. He's funny, smart, loud, proud, annoyingly handsome...it's almost enough to overrule his terrible taste and unerring ability to forgot dates and times. He'd tell me his terrible taste extends to having me as a boyfriend if he was here right now, and it's probably true, but we all take what we can get. If you didn't know, it was Tricks that nailed Batman himself with pink paint when Klarion (the Lord of Chaos) painted the rest of Gotham city red last year. I'm so proud.

Anyway, I'm already way over my word quota for this article, but if there's one benefit to being a classified supervillain it's that no-one's gonna dare to cut it down. At least they won't if they know what's good for them.

I'd be interested to hear what anyone thinks about what I've written. Unless you don't approve of me or anyone I've mentioned in this article.

Then you can just fuck right off.

Oops, I wasn't supposed to swear in this, was I?

Sorry.

(Not).