Nine long, painfully slow, and boring decades had passed without so much as a memorable incident. Every day I'd set out, apart from my blissfully content adopted family, and try to find my own bliss. Whether that was a companion as true and loving as my mother Esme. Or a girl spirited and fun like my favorite sister Alice, at this point I'd even settle for the raw passion and beauty that was like that of my brash but elegant older sister Rosalie. Loneliness was my only lover, the never ending nights reminding me with every tick of the clock that I was to be without a better half, without one to care for and be cared for in return. At my core I was vampire, my lust for blood outweighing all other lusts, but deeper than that, true and ever present, I was a man. A man who needed an outlet for almost a centuries worth of pent up aggressions. I had never equated my hindered appetite for human blood and the fact that I had no other physical hobbies besides hunting unworthy prey, but now the resemblance seemed glaring obvious. Either I needed stronger, faster more "human" prey or I needed a mate. No sooner than the thoughts began in my mind, my pixie faced sister was at my side with a devilish grin stretching across her face.
"No Alice." I warned trying to steer all my thoughts away from unknown futures. I thought of the past, but that was what had brought me to this crossroads of life in the first place. No thoughts were safe from Alice's visions insight.
"Eddy. C'mon. Tanya doesn't even care if it's just a one night stand type of thing and apparently neither do you. Oh nasty... She's seriously into some kinky stuff, isn't she?" Alice teased as she shifted through the many visions my indecision had prompted her with.
In one the pretty, but annoying Tanya was practically tearing my clothing off and panting that this was always destined to happen. It was fate. I shuddered away from Alice's visions, my revulsion twisting all the unsavory images to a fuzzy black. Alice sighed, but gave up trying to will my future into something I clearly had no aspirations for.
I shook my "Alice, you know me, better than any one else on this earth. You know Tanya is not my idea of a mate, even if it's for only a night. Besides I want more. I want something real." I said turning away from her, to stare out the large picture windows that encompassed almost the entire front of our home.
It was raining as always in Forks, looking through the glass it seemed an ominous sign. Like even the universe was telling me that my hopes were impossible. A vampire didn't have many options when it came to dating. I could be with another "vegetarians" like my family and myself, but that left me with only Tanya and as nice and pretty as she was, she wasn't the one for me even if it was only for a night. Or I could strike out on my own, looking for a traditional vampire, only to find that the complete disregard for life that my less restricted brethren participate in, did not match up with the values and goals I applied to myself. I valued the Cullen name as more than the lawful bind that attached my makeshift family to one another. Cullen to me meant restraint, loyalty, passion, and a healthy respect for all things living. Carlisle, my admirable and patient father, had taught me that all life is sacred, even the elk and bear we ate to quiet the ever raging fire that burned painfully in our throats were to be given the full appreciation we gave to the humans.
Stupid selfrightous ass. Alice fumed voicelessly as all of her visions concerning me and my love life went fuzzy, unreadable. I rolled my eyes and lifted my hand to nudge her towards my bedroom door. As usual she anticipated this and dropped nimbly to the floor sitting with her legs crossed before my hand even left my side.
"We are not done with this conversation!" She looked up at me, her butterscotch eyes fluctuating between being unfocused and focused as she tried to nail down a concrete future she could lecture me on."Okay, so Tanya is a no. I can understand that, but you can't count yourself out without even contending! All you need is rebound"
I shook my head, confused, and let the corners of my mouth fall. "A rebound from what?"
"From your life." She grinned. "You just need that starter date. A girl you neither want to marry or sleep with, someone to help you put yourself out there. Practice."
My head swam with the word.. Practice was something you did when you wanted to succeed. My blackened shell of heart felt that way, deep down inside, but my head wanted to remain practical. There was no point in practicing when there would be no main event. I didn't have Alice's foresight and luck, Jasper and her were an anomaly. Two rogue vampires finding a conscious and each other with no outside interferences besides Alice's spotty visions. Or even Rosalie's restraint and fierce maternal instinct that lead her to save Emmett. Or Carlisle's compassion that could only be fittingly rewarded with someone as tender hearted as Esme. What was I but a wolf in sheep's clothing. A monster who was terrified of his own desires.
The flickers in Alice's mind faded in and out of focus and with blinding speed. I saw myself, was I smiling? Why? I haven't had a reason to smile since our family moved here to Forks, the gloomy weather suited me perfectly and the forests where teeming with mountain lions and grizzly bears. Our last destinations were distinctive in there own ways, but living night-to-night as we routinely were burdened into doing was maddening. At least in Forks the daytime was our consort, the rain-heavy clouds providing enough overcast that we spent more days in the general public, going to school, the girls shopping in Port Angeles or Olympia and us, men, camping freely without scrutiny. The visions continued to spiral and contort as my mind made and disregarded decisions in the multi-faceted way only a vampires mind can transition. Alice saw me with girls from school, brittle humans, Jessica Stanley's blond curls matted with blood after one innocent night on the town with me. My inner demon unable to down out the thrum of blood that hammers through the paper-thin blood vessels on her pale neck. Not that Jessica Stanley was anything close to my type of woman. She was a vulgar child whose delusions of me commonly reached the perverse rather quickly. Angela Webber, tall and lanky, but kinder than most other humans, she fared better than Jessica in these visions. Instead of a quick terrifying death at the jaws of a natural killer, she would instead have an irrational fear of the dark, her life reduced to looking over her shoulder for danger and never fully understanding why it is she is drawn and justifiably petrified of the unusual Cullen boy who asked her out that one time. No I couldn't and I wouldn't do that to a human, if it were even possible. Tanya and her sisters had tried human lovers most not making it through the most basic mating rituals. Sexual gratification was not worth risking the life of an fragile mortal. There were more visions, some girls I didn't even recognize, all trysts ending up in blood or accusations and rebuff.
You don't know the future, brother. I don't even know the future with complete certainty. You can't let your own limitations be your undoing. Alice chided me mentally as she stood and bounded out the room in a movement so fast it blew the sheet music I had lying in to particular fashion around my now untidy room.
"Thanks sis." I muttered letting my frustration poison the words so they came out fully drenched in sarcasm.
Alice laughed from the lower level of the house as she busied herself with clothing choices for the upcoming day at school. She knew my moods probably as well as her beau even without his special ability, she knew I was not upset with her or the life that was chosen for me. It was the melancholy that had me on edge and by tomorrow today's worries wouldn't be worth it's weight in salt. Vampires were blessed in this regard, we didn't have to dwell on the inane, our expansive minds could process a litany of things in seconds, we were easily distracted because of this, and at times like it was my only solace.