Chapter 1
When had he gotten to this point? He had been through hell and back before the whole world had gone to shit and still he continued to believe there had to be some point. He had no idea what that point was, but he thought there had to be one. Restlessly, he stared into the fire, looking for some kind of answers as to why? Why was he always fated to fail? Was he really worthless like his pa always said? Was he really a pussy like Merle always said? As the rest of the group prayed and cried over Beth, all he could do was stare into this small fire and wonder why?
Carol saw him out of the corner of her eye, she stood there with Maggie trying to hold her up through this horrible ceremony, but still she was drawn to the handsome hunter. She could feel the pain radiating from him even from this distance, but she really didn't know what to say. She knew what he was feeling, she'd seen that look before after Sophia had walked out of that barn. She knew how angry he had been after, how he had lashed out at her, but this side of him scared her more. She saw no anger this time, she saw his shoulders slumped, like he really didn't care anymore. Like it was finally the final nail in a coffin that had been established way longer than this whole world collapsed. She knew she had to do something, but she was in total and complete doubt as to what.
Slowly, Daryl rose from the campfire and walked silently, stealthily into the woods. He had to be alone, as he slumped to the ground and beat at it with his crossbow. He had always been good at hearing the slightest movements, tracking was his specialty, but he never heard her coming. She stood behind him, watching, in just as much pain as him. Yes, she hurt, she had all kinds of reasons to, Sophia was gone, Herschel, Beth, but none of them compared to the fear she had now. She knew, deep down, that Daryl was trying to give up and she had to do something, but what?
She slowly approached him and was just about to tap him softly on his shoulder when he jerked around quickly, knife drawn, always ready to strike, even in these circumstances. He had knocked her to the ground and was on top of her before she knew what hit her. "What the hell woman, after all this shit, ya think ya can just sneak up on someone? I thought ya was a damn walker!" She tried to look him in the eyes as he yelled at her, but he turned his head. He was withdrawing from her, she could tell and that made her angry. She wasn't going to let him do this, not after everything they'd been through. She jerked him by his face and he flinched. She almost felt sorry for that, almost, but she knew this was a make or break moment. "Daryl, I won't let you pull away." He was getting angrier, wanting to take out all of it on the whole world at this point. "Whadda ya know? I weren't never part of any of this anyway. I were just some skank redneck pulled into this mess. I never asked for any of this shit. All I wanted was to hunt, fish, and survive, I don't need you, not any of you!"
After this, he jerked himself off of Carol's prone body and stood up, skulking back and forth pacing. This is what he needed, she thought to herself, he needs to scream and shout, she didn't mind letting him take it out on her. It wouldn't be the first time he used her to lash out at, probably wouldn't be the last. He needs to let all of it out, not just silently listen to all those thoughts in his head. She yelled back at him, knowing he needed to feel the anger. "Who do you think you are!? We all been through all of this, we all have suffered, but you are a part of us, whether you like it or not! I thought you said we could start over, but that was a load of shit, right? You didn't mean it, you just want me to think that, but you, you never believed the crapload of shit you said to me. It don't include you, does it? Does it!?"
He never saw her this angry and he didn't like it. He couldn't believe she had the nerve. He yelled back, putting his finger in between her shoulder blades, in the middle of her chest. "Ya don't know shit about me, nothin'!"
Carol was hurt by that, but she knew it was the anger talking and she felt sorry about what she was about to say, but she knew she had to draw him out, out of his head. "Of course, dumb little, beat down Carol, she couldn't know anything, could she? She couldn't know what it's like to be beat down until she felt that no one could care for her. Why, she couldn't feel like the whole damn world had this vendetta to get her. She couldn't have scars proving her lowly selfworth, could she? I don't know shit about you, do I, but I do, I am you in female form!"
Daryl stood in stunned silence, he knew what she was saying was exactly the reflection of how he felt about himself. This made him even angrier, how could she put herself in the same position as him, she was always so much better. He didn't care what she thought, he knew deep down she would never be as lowly as him, or as much of a failure. There you had it didn't you, he was just that a failure.
"Are ya nuts, woman? Have ya lost ya mind? I'm the failure, damn it. I'm the one who cain't ever do what I set out to do. I look for Sophia, dead. I try to protect the group, Herschel dead. I look for Beth, dead. And most of all, I didn't come after ya, did I? I didn't and I left ya out there to fend for ya self. I was the one who didn't look, didn't even try, don't that piss ya off? Ain't ya angry that I didn't look?"
Carol hadn't realized he still felt guilty over that. He had no choice but to help the group, she understood that, but it all made sense. He was still upset with the reason they were torn apart. It wasn't just all the people they lost. He felt guilty for something he had no control over.
Carol tried to reach out to him, but he flinched, again. He wouldn't let her touch him and that hurt her worse than any words. "Daryl, you didn't fail me, you understand that right? I'm standing here alive, breathing, and begging you to listen to me. You didn't fail me, you hear me?"
Daryl wouldn't back down, now that he was getting it all of his chest, he had to do it. "I failed ya, I did. Ya may not think it, but I know it. I cain't save nobody. I am a useless waste of space. I thought I might could rise from the ashes like some God damn phoenix, but we know ain't know such thing as a redneck phoenix. I was kiddin' myself ta even try."
She was losing him, she had to do something. So, she took a chance, she stepped right in front of him. She grabbed his shoulders and shook him to look at her. He had to look at her. She couldn't let him do this, he had to know. Had to know all the things she needed to say. "Daryl, look at me, damn it look at me!"
Daryl wanted to run, he wanted to get her out of his space. He tried, but he couldn't move with her touching his shoulders and begging him to look. So slowly, he raised his squinting eyes to look, afraid to hear and see her. "What! Whadda ya want from me, I don't have nothin' ta give, ya got that?"
She stared in his eyes and began to talk. "Daryl, you can't scare me away, nothing you do can, understand that first."
Daryl just squinted as he stared at her, he didn't think he could hear this, but she wouldn't let him go and he knew he had to listen to this. It had to happen, he knew that. He was not gonna let her get to him, but she could have her say and that would be it.
Carol continued, "There was a time when I thought that my whole world existed of nothingness and the only thing good in this world was my Sophia." Daryl looked down at that, he had failed her horribly in his mind. "No," she continued, " I won't let you think it was your fault. She died because of this world we live in, it wasn't you. You did more for her than anyone ever did, I told you that remember? More than her own daddy? You did that? You had no reason to, she was just some lost little girl to some beat down woman. I didn't even have the courage to look for her."
Daryl looked up at that. "Weren't no way for ya ta do it, ya didn't know how ta track, I did."
Carol continued, "Yeah, but she was mine, and I should have tried but I gave up, you made me think that there could be a chance. You made me think, maybe there could be some light in the darkness. When we found her, I was full of grief, I wanted to join her, but it was you that pulled me back, you who held me and made me stay. Why? Why would you do that? I still wonder, but I know you did the right thing. It wasn't right to want to give up."
Daryl spoke then, "It were selfish of me, but I just couldn't let ya do it."
Carol gulped at the admission, Daryl looked away. He felt like she was looking through him and it hurt. Only weakness allowed someone to get too close and that was a luxury he had never been able to afford.
Carol resumed speaking, "Well I began to start to live again, it was a slow process, but this group pulled me in and made me feel I belonged. I started to feel like the Carol before Ed, the one who had some worth, some importance in the world. I never would have gotten that chance, if you hadn't have pulled me back. It wasn't the others who pulled me back, it was you. You made me care about people again, you made me want to be a part of something again, you made me care again."
Daryl didn't like hearing this, but he knew she wouldn't stop. She kept talking and he had to listen, he didn't know why, he just had to. "Daryl, I realized that nothing in this new world is guaranteed, that every moment was important. We lose people, that is how it has to be sometimes. We have to continue living. I can't see you do this. I care to much about you, I am not going to let you leave us or me again."
Daryl wanted to turn tail and run, he couldn't stand this, he could take Carol joking, kidding, this was something else altogether. She was looking at him and he could see the tears being held back in her eyes, it was a side he hadn't seen, he didn't want to see it. He wanted to unsee it. He tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let him. He looked around in desperation and despair. Finally, he looked at her and spoke, "Carol, I won't leave, just let go of me, I cain't."
She let go, looking as if he had crushed her. He couldn't stand to see her like that, but he didn't know what to say to change it. He didn't know what would make it any different. "Carol, I'm not some knight in shining armor, I'm some redneck asshole that got caught up in a shitstorm. I need to just work it out in my head. It's all I gotta do."
At that, she left him standing alone, she knew he would come back, but she also knew that he needed his space. He needed to work through everything and come to some kind of conclusion. What that was she didn't know, but at least she knew now he wasn't going to leave. It was all she had in the way of comfort for now, but it was enough.