"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. In this 2-hour special "All about the Britles" we will be exploring the 1960s Brit Pop phenomenon that was the Britles. How the four lads from the UK got together, who was influential in each of their lives, and we'll be looking at their rise to fame, the height of Britlemania, and their decline into obscurity.
The story of the Britles begins in the back streets of Liverpool, and a very special night spot called "The caveman club." It was here that the four Britles Arthur, Dylan, Allistor and Paddy, known to the locals as England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland, began their illustrious career. We spoke to a great friend of Arthurs at the time who agreed to give us an interview. Meet Cuthbert Mountbatten. *turns to Cuthbert*
Cuthbert, what can you tell us about the Early days of the Britles?
Cuthbert) Well… Arthur and Allistor met at a charity gig for disadvantaged toffee-nosed gits. Apparently, the rich elite of Merseyside weren't getting enough money to buy gold watches, so they attended this gig and bumped into each other when Allistor was looking at a really nice guitar.
Reporter) They met and...?
Cuthbert) It was like something magical. Arthur was a great songwriter, and so was Allistor… and they were just interested in each other's music. I think from that point they got on really well. And I think Arthur knew Dylan from art school, and he was a great guitarist, so he got in, and then I auditioned to be the drummer, and I failed. My mate Eddie got the job though…
Reporter) Yes... of course, Eddie didn't end up being the drummer in the end. Why was that?
Cuthbert) Ah well he didn't really get on with Arthur. He was a good drummer, but he and Arthur just couldn't get it. Eddie was annoyed that they went to gigs without him, especially down the Caveman Club. And then they got a call from er.. Ludwig somebody to go and play some gigs in Berlin and they neglected to tell Eddie.. so he quit.
Reporter: Ah yes and that's when Paddy joined the band as the drummer.
Cuthbert) Yer. He wasn't a very good drummer and very demanding but still … he got the job.
Reporter) It was after the Berlin gigs with Paddy, otherwise known as Ireland Starr, that the Britles got their first number 1 hit "I wanna stroke your Mount of Venus."
*crappy black and white video of the Brittles on TV, singing I wanna stroke your Mount of Venus"
*singing*
"Oh yeah I got something to say about us
Holding hands is so good of course
And when I say this thing to you
I think you'll know what I wanna do
I wanna stroke your Mount of Venus
The one on your hand
Not the one where I put my *CENSORED*
I am not that way, I hope you understand…"
Cut to: Screaming girls running after the Britles, crappy black and white movie
Reporter) Success came with the Britles first movie, "A Hard something tonight"
"It's a Hard something tonight..
And we all got lost in the fog
It's a good job Dylan is here
Because we needed someone to dog…"
*screaming girls, pics of airplanes and Britles going in and out of cars and vans to avoid fans*
Reporter 1) It was around this time that the Britles gained a new manager who took the group to greater heights. His name was George King. And he was as mad as anything. We were fortunate enough to get an interview with a relative of George King. His cousin Janice.
Cut to: Interview with Janice.
Reporter 1) So…Janice, what was it in particular about the Britles that your cousin George King …loved?
Janice) I think it was their trousers…
Reporter1 ) Er…what?
Janice) Well they were very tight you know… you could see everything …
Reporter) Cut Cut Cut!
Cut to: Reporter walking along a street in New York.
Reporter 1 ) Britlemania then came to America and Canada. In the following interview we can see exactly how America and Canada were mesmerised by the Britles.
Cut to: Interview with America and Canada.
Reporter: America, Alfred F. Jones. Can I ask... what is it you love about the Britles.
Alfred: (dilated pupils, gone all weird in a strange puddle) Oooooooh I love Arthur… its Arthur for me… he's got the smoothest most beautiful voice ever… *screams*
Reporter2) Canada, Matthew Williams… what really does it for you with the Britles? Is it their songs? Their haircuts?
Matthew: (all dreamy and starry eyed, in another strange puddle) Ahhh.. its Allistor… he's incredible. those eyes… the way he…uhhhh… I love him….
Alfred) And I love Arthur….
(Both America and Canada go into a sort of dreamy haze)
Reporter2) This is incredible. America and Canada are losing control of their bodily functions… what strange British Magic is going on here? This is Abraxas Punchwiggle for CNN news.
Reporter 1) The Britles rise to fame was seemingly unstoppable. Their records were selling out in every store in the world, they were touring like there was no tomorrow but then Arthur made a big mistake.
Cut to: Press conference.
Reporter 3) Arthur can I ask you what you feel has proved to boost the influence of the Britles so far?
Arthur) I think its cos we really connect with the public, you know? We've got this huge Empire and we're doing great.
Allistor) The kids love us don't they?
Arthur) We're bigger than George Washington…
Reporter 1) When Arthur said the Britles were bigger than George Washington it caused an uproar with the American public. Their albums skyrocketed because people were buying their albums just to burn them.
Cut to:
America and Canada crying in a huge puddle.
Alfred) How could Arthur be so cruel… ?
Matthew) I don't care, I still love Allistor… *wail*
Reporter 1) It was some time before the hysteria died down and Arthur decided to make some kind of apology.
Cut to: Press Conference Arthur apologises…
Arthur) Look… I never meant that the way it was taken, just that the young people of today never really knew George Washington, they have only a memory, but that part of what I said was cut by the fake news media to make it seem worse than it was.
Reporter 1) The Britles played stadiums all over America but nobody could hear what they were singing. It was Allistor who began to realise that touring was just a waste of time.
Cut to:
Allistor) Touring is a waste of time, nobody can hear us. We can't hear us.
Cut to:
Reporter 1) It was also at this time that Dylan introduced the rest of the Britles to a dreaded substance known as coffee. This had a profound effect on the Britles, and they even considered ditching their morning tea for it. In an interview with Allistor, he mentions drinking coffee.
Cut to:
Allistor ) Yes I've had coffee… if you ask me I'm just gonna tell you the truth…it was while we were in America… we all had coffee…
Reporter 1) Soon after there was a strange conspiracy about Allistor. People believed that he had actually died after he was dragged under a number 9 bus in Glasgow. Because all the girls in the world would have been devastated, they say he was replaced by a lookalike. Certain clues were apparently left backwards in some of the Britles songs. Their album cover for "Kirkland Drive" shows all four Kirkland brothers walking across the zebra crossing on Kirkland Drive, but shock horror, Allistor was not wearing trousers, but he was wearing a kilt, the Scottish sign that a person has ceased to be and kicked the bucket.
Cut to Allistor in a kilt, wearing a fake moustache:
Allistor (posh English accent) I am not dead… hehe…
Reporter 1) Soon the Britles returned from America in the wake of the "Bigger than George Washington" scandal and decided to take a sabbatical for a few weeks with the Guru Feliciano Vargas of Italy. It was during that sabbatical that George King, the groups manager, suddenly fell under a number 9 Bus. The Britles were shocked.
Cut to: Interview with the press on Arthur's front doorstep with Arthur Allistor, Dylan and Paddy.
Reporter 4) How do you feel about what happened to George King?
Allistor) Ah cannae believe that happened tae him… he wiz a lovely manager…
Arthur) I know…we're just completely shocked…
Reporter 4) What about the allegations of an affair between Arthur and George King? What do you say to that?
Arthur) *just looks completely stunned*
Reporter 1) After the untimely death of George King, the Britles decided it was best to get away from it all, and with Francis Bonnefoy, lead singer of the French Garcon le baguette band, and Mia Farrow, they all went on some secret retreat or other where they learned about Roman Imperialism from the Guru Feliciano Vargas and his aide Ludwig…somebody. Interestingly enough during this time of terrifying indoctrination, Arthur had his fated meeting with singer Francis Bonnefoy…
Cut to:
Francis) Well …you see …eet is ze concept of taunting in art form oui…? *screams loudly over and over*
Allistor) He's awful
Dylan) He's a ponce…
Arthur) *wide eyed* I love him…
Tune in to part two of The Britles… coming soon.