Be My Escape
Be My Escape
(Inspired by Relient K)
"I've given up on giving up slowly,
I'm blending in so You won't even know me,
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate,
This one last bullet you mention,
Is my one last shot at redemption,
Because I know to live you must give your life away,
And I've been housing all this doubt,
And insecurity,
And I've been locked inside that house,
All the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me,
And even though there's no way in knowing,
Where to go; promise I'm going because,
I gotta get outta here,
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake,
I gotta get outta here,
And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape."
Axel grabbed Roxas's hesitant hands, clasping his fingers in his own. Their gazes locked and there was no way Roxas could look away. The song pounded in the background as bodies slithered together in some unspoken love. None of that mattered, and he had never even wanted to be there in the first place. But this is where they had begun, where everything had begun, and Roxas just couldn't escape this place. No matter how many times he had left, he always wound up back here, back with this guy. Was it okay? Could he live this sort of life? These butterflies in his stomach never went away as long as he was around Axel and he always made Roxas do stupid things. Was this the kind of love he'd been looking for? This crashing sort of pitfall. Head over heals Roxas never knew what was going to happen next. Could he trust such turbulent emotions? Could he trust this man before him? Devouring him with hungry eyes? Was this the person who could save him? Or would he be the one doing the saving? Axel's lips moved along with the words, his voice husky with emotion.
"I'm giving up on doing this alone now,
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how,
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there,
And this life sentence that I'm serving,
I admit that I'm every bit deserving,
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
'Cause I've been housing all this doubt,
And insecurity,
And I've been locked inside that house,
All the while You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me,
And even though there's no way in knowing,
Where to go; promise I'm going because,
I gotta get outta here,
Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake,
I gotta get outta here,
And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape.""
Did Roxas understand? Did he understand that this song was him? His heart? Did he understand all that there was about him? Could Axel even expect such understanding from another person? But damn it, if it hadn't been love at first sight it had most certainly been at the second. The moment the blond had walked into his life Axel knew he had been lost. Couldn't he understand? The very pounding of his heart belonged to Roxas. Could he believe the words that Axel said to him, over and over. Love. Caring. Understanding. Their romance had not been soft. Did Roxas realize that the promises Axel made weren't empty? By God, Axel would die if only to prove his love. Would these words be enough to earn his heart? As last resorts go, it was a long shot, but Axel only had himself to give. Would that be enough?
"I am a hostage to my own humanity,
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made,
And all I'm asking is for You to do what You can with me,
But I can't ask You to give what You already gave.
Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because
I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging
You to be my escape."
Roxas couldn't help it, the fear, the hesitance. Would he be burned by this passion that threatened to overwhelm him? Swept out to sea by this unknown force he could barely contain? He was so scared. Was it worth it? Was it worth it to give himself away? Would he dive into such raging ocean?
Pulling back he stole his hands from their captives. He couldn't; he wasn't ready. There was no way this would last. A candle held no flame against a forest fire. There was no way he could love and be loved by Axel without being engulfed. He'd lose himself, and not knowing who he was as big a fear of any.
Axel felt his heart shatter to the floor, alone among so many. What had he done to deserve this? His life had been just fine until Roxas had shown up, turning it upside down. And now.. now what was there for him? Would the life he had realized was so dull ever find the brilliance he had found with Roxas. Would he be able to continue? His body felt like it was collapsing upon itself. Without a second glance he ran outside into the frigid December air, not knowing where he was going. Was this bleak, shivering, cold all that was left for him? Would these frozen tears even compare to the sadness ahead of him. A sadness of a life without his heart?
The moment Axel left, Roxas's hands felt cold. His heart contracting in a way he had almost grown accustomed to. The pain, rising in his throat. Tears burning to fall for no reason. Why did he always feel this way when he wasn't with Axel? What had he done to Roxas? Even his lungs seemed ready to collapse. Was this what would happen to him if he stayed around Axel much longer? Would he lose control of all of himself?
But... he had never known himself more then when he was with Axel. He had never been more free. This roller coaster, taller then he had ever seen, was what Axel had shown him. What he was offering. The fear, the fear of life, wasn't it just... lies to himself? Would he really give up seeing the ride to the end just because he was afraid? Was he willing to give up all the happiness, sadness, pain, and joy and... love? Was he willing to lose the precious love Axel had blessed him with?
He couldn't
Roxas was out of the club at a dead run, searching for Axel. He hadn't driven, Roxas had. Where could he have gone in such a biting cold? Roxas scanned the packed parking lot and found nothing. Where could he be? Had Roxas lost his chance? Had he been foolish enough to let what he was realizing to be the best thing of his life go? He...
A spot of red grabbed his attention and he ran to Axel, his breath heaving in and out of his chest from the cold. The carbon dioxide leaving trails in the air as Roxas reached him. A pain he had never felt, not even comparing to the pain of before, ripped through him as he realized Axel was crying. It was his fault. He had made the always optimistic, the one who had always had a smile when Roxas needed it, cry. Roxas had no words. How could he convey what he was feeling right now?
Axel looked up at what he conceived as pity and couldn't take it. Why had Roxas come? Why was he here? Digging the knife a little further. Didn't he know, just looking at Roxas and knowing they would never be was enough to break his already shattered heart. He couldn't take it, he had to get away.
Axel began to walk away and Roxas had no time to think. Blindly grabbing Axel's hand, he rooted them both to the spot. As green eyes shot to his incredulously, Roxas melted on the inside and realized this was everything worth living for. Roxas opened his mouth, his soft Alto voice echoing through the cold winter night.
"I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You.
And so I'm begging you... I'm begging you... To be my escape."
As they embraced, both crying hot tears of joy and love, Roxas knew there was no reason to be afraid of this sea. Axel would always be there, waiting to save him.