A one-shot for those who voted Leon x Merchant in my pairings poll a few months ago...
Warnings; Small sexual references, slight language, implied slash, Merchant's a man-whore. Leon is a bit OOC. This is, without a doubt, a crack-fic.
Pairings; ... Oh hell, it's a one-shot. Just read and find out.
RE does not belong to me, only this fic does. The games and characters belong to Capcom. I don't own Capcom, if I did, I wouldn't be writing this, I'd be in Norway or Germany, enjoying a vacation. Or making Wesker sane again.
Enjoy...?
Leon woke up to the sounds of someone fooling around downstairs. A bit annoyed and mainly very sleepy, he turned his face towards the clock. "Seven already? Time goes by too quickly when you're napping..."
With a grunt and a sigh he rolled himself out of the bed and grabbed the first t-shirt he laid eyes on. It wasn't his, but that didn't matter, since the person downstairs was his boyfriend, and boyfriends share.
Boyfriends share, that's what Leon's mother had taught him. His mother had also told him sex for money was to be considered a crime, and that there was no use in eating things that he found on the ground. Leon had always held true to his mother's advices, apart from the one about eating things off the ground, and therefore expected it was okay to wear his lover's t-shirt.
And if not, he would just take it off, seeing as he never got any complaints from people who saw him shirtless.
Leon stumbled downstairs and nearly tripped over a cat that was napping on one of the steps. "Fucking cat, you won't let me sleep on the couch, but you don't sleep on it either. It makes no sense."
The white cat opened an eye and started to purr, unaware of Leon's already annoyed mood.
"Oh whatever."
In the kitchen there was a man with short brown hair and orange eyes. He appeared to be cooking, but Leon found it hard to make out because the kitchen was filled with smoke. "Hello there, strangah! It be a cloudy day, ain't it?"
Leon frowned. "Open a window."
"I already did, strangah... But this is a cave, therefore the smoke ain't disappearing that fast."
Leon shook his head and walked up to the counter. He grabbed a mug and was about to fill it with coffee, when suddenly a hand was placed on his own. "Heh, morning Merchant." He smiled because it seemed the Merchant wanted something like a good morning kiss.
But the kiss never came. Merchant grabbed the mug away and stared at Leon. "That coffee ain't gunna pay for itself, strangah..."
Leon's eyes widened. "Excuse me?"
"Ya heard me." And Merchant turned back to the pan that looked like it had been set on fire on several occasions.
Leon's hand, still hanging in front of the coffeepot, remained motionless. "I eh... I can't have coffee?"
"Not enough cash, strangah!" Merchant muttered. "Also, don't ya have your own shirt to wear? I was gonna wear that today."
"But..."
"Strangah, what are you thinking? That whatever happened last night was something serious? I ain't got no time for relationships, because they mainly cost a lot of money, but ya don't get nothin' in return."
With a look on his face like he just saw a cat sing, Leon turned around and sat down at the table. He cringed, the pain in his ass was a lot worse than it had been several hours earlier. "But what about last night? Didn't it mean anything?"
"It did, strangah. Was a great release of tension, let me tell ya that..." Merchant chuckled. "Also, it was nice watching ya sleep, which was all I could do seeing as your snoring kept me up for hours."
"But you... I... We're not together, then?"
"Sex is sex, strangah."
"My name is Leon!" Leon yelled. "And you, you used me! You used me for sex!"
Merchant sat down at the table too, without food because it had caught on fire once again, and stared at his most loyal customer. "If I remember correctly, you were enjoying yourself quite a bit with my hand around your dick and my fingers up your ass. Also, don't worry, I put some cash in your pants as a thank you."
"You're paying me for sex?!"
"Indeed I am, strangah. Now hurry up and leave before I make ya, I got work to do."
"You paid me for sex?!" Leon practically repeated himself. He realized everything his mother had ever told him, had been nothing more than a preparation for the real world. Leon looked underneath the table and saw, apart from some dust and a lonely shotgun shell, an M&M lying around. He grabbed it and quickly ate it. "You're sick."
"Strangah, stop complaining, I bought it at a high price." Merchant glanced at his watch and pointed at the stairs. "Now get dressed, strangah, I gotta go soon."
Leon stood up and slowly made his way to the stairs again. He was confused, a bit hurt, and most of all, longing for some coffee. Once again he passed the cat, once again he fooled around with the shirt, and once again he sighed and grunted. But this time not with happy thoughts in the back of his head. This time with some kind of revenge in the back of his head.
Leon got dressed, combed his hair and grabbed his weapons. With his handgun in his hand he quietly made his way downstairs again and waited for Merchant to turn his back on Leon. "I'm sorry cat." Leon spoke under his breath while he aimed his handgun and pulled the trigger.
Merchant went down after one shot and laid still on the ground as Leon made his way to the exit of the hidden cave. Still hurt, but pleased because that awful man had died, he went back to search for Ashley. A bit curious he felt in his pocket and found a few one-hundred dollar bills. Leon shrugged. "It appears I'm a great man-whore."
As the next hour went by, Leon was able to focus on other things besides the Merchant again and just as he felt like he was on the right track to finding Ashley, he saw something shine in the distance.
Quickly he made his way towards the blue flame and was quite upset to see who was standing next to it.
"Wait... Didn't I... Kill him?" Leon asked himself as he spread his legs to release the tension in his ass.
"Welcome!" Merchant boomed. "What're ya buying?"
Leon shook his head. "I thought you died! I killed you!"
"What're ya selling?"
"No, no! You're dead!" Leon stated firmly, more to convince himself than to convince the person standing in front of him.
"Come back anytime."
Leon sighed and suddenly felt like running far away, just to make sure he would never have to see that man again. But he didn't, because on the crate next to the Merchant, there was a paper cup. And it looked like there was still something left in that paper cup. So with the speed of light Leon grabbed the cup, turned around, and started running away as fast as he could.
When he finally came to a halt, near to Del Lago's lake, he opened the warm paper cup and glanced inside. "Huh, still full..." He started to laugh. "Haha... Hahahaaaaaaaaa... That's what you get, you stupid Merchant! You mess with Leon, he steals your coffee! Let that be a lesson!"
"Leon!" A voice suddenly came from behind him.
Leon was taken off guard and nearly spilled his newly-stolen coffee. He turned around and came face to face with Luis. "Luis!"
"Merchant messed with you, man? What did he do?" Luis lit a cigarette and sat down in the grass. "Did he take you from behind like he did with me a few weeks ago?"
Leon was speechless. Luis, the very handsome and sexy Luis, had been taken up the ass too... This must've have been fate, to find someone that had ran across the same problem. "So does that mean you're into men, too?"
Luis shrugged. "Sometimes... Most of the time. I once had a relationship with Wesker, but he kept suffocating me during the sex, so I had to leave him."
"You left Wesker and lived to tell the tale?" Leon was getting more attracted to Luis by the minute.
"Nah, I stole all of his clothes and ran off. By the time he was dressed and went outside, I was in Spain already." Luis snickered. "Wanna go on a date with me?"
"Sure! But no naked things, my ass still hurts... And you're paying!"
"No way, amigo. You're the more masculine one, you're supposed to pay..." Luis replied.
Leon shot Luis a glare. "But you're the one who asked me."
"Yeah, but only because you didn't beat me to it. I know you were going to sooner or later."
"But..."
Their voices faded away as the two men, one agent and one researcher, disappeared into the distance. During this conversation, Merchant had been hiding in the bushes, listening to their complaining about himself and about money. He shrugged to himself and chuckled. "Damn strangahs might make a great couple someday..." He then saw somebody come ashore with a speedboat and focused his thoughts on that man. He got up from his place between the bushes and walked towards the man.
Jack Krauser turned around when he heard someone approach. "Huh."
"Hello there, strangah! Whatcha doin' tonight?"
Krauser shrugged. "Masturbating."
Merchant smiled, though it went invisible behind the scarf he always wore outside of his house. "Strangah, how 'bout I help ya with that?"
Krauser glared at Merchant. "Hell no."
"Come on strangah, I'll throw in some cash too... And some flash grenades, I know you like 'm."
"Hnnnn." Jack Krauser appeared to think for a moment and then finally nodded. "Fine, why the hell not. You better know your way around cocks though."
"Course I do, strangah. Ya can find me near the church tonight, have a nice day."
"See ya." Krauser grunted and stalked off. He had been ordered to get Ashley, but first he needed to pay a visit to the town to stock up on certain supplies. There was no way in hell he'd approach Ashley without earplugs and a helmet.
With a content smirk Merchant watched Jack walk away. He was happy that no matter what happened, his life-motto always got him everything he wanted;
Everything comes with a price.
I was technically on hiatus, but then that small sentence came to mind, and before I knew it, I was done with this one-shot. I wish that happened more often. *sighs*
Ahwell, I hope you liked it somehow :) If ya did, feel free to review. If ya didn't, then I wonder how you got to the bottom of this page.
Until next time,
-FUNK.