My very first story on here so be nice! I don't much care for writing summaries but this is pretty much Juubei and his thoughts and feelings the night before he goes off to fight Kazuki.
DISCLAIMER:GetBackers belongs to it's creator(s), but my take on Juubei's feelings are mine.
Mistakes
It was late when Makubex finally let me return to my bedroom. The paint on the door has been chipped and faded for a while now. That's right you were going to repaint it soon weren't you…? That is before you left. You're name has been long since gone. One night the sight of the name "Kazuki" became too much and I scratched it out of the wood with one of my needles; you're name deserved better than just a common household knife. Even though it's been removed from the wood, the gash is still there reminding me of you, and I can never forget the other occupant of this small room. Or rather I don't want to forget.
When I used to share this room with Kazuki it was bright, colorful, and warm. His smiling face seemed to make the room feel like a mansion. It's small, almost too small for two grown men to live in together comfortably, but we loved it. Kazuki turned a small, dark room into our home. Now this room is just a cold, dark and lifeless space in the huge monstrosity that sits in the middle of town that we call home. The Limitless Fortress. After Kazuki was gone I boarded up the window and destroyed all of the lights. I couldn't handle the light and I didn't want to be able to see how happy we used to be. It seemed like Kazuki had taken all of the joy that living here could've brought me. When he was here my days were bright, he was my source of light. How am I to see now that my light is gone? I had called Kazuki a traitor and said that I would fight him. How can I fight someone that used to be my light? How can I fight something that blinds me?
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
The bed that we shared had been replaced by a twin mattress on the floor. Some of us didn't really deserve to have beds. Besides I couldn't stand to be in the same room as the thing, but I didn't want to give it to anyone either, and I refused to throw it away. So it had simply been put into a storage room with the rest of Kazuki's things that I couldn't bare to look at.
I pulled off my shirt and kicked off my shoes not caring where they landed, after all there was no one here who cared what the room looked like anymore. I collapsed onto the mattress and closed my eyes trying to succumb to sleep. But what invaded my mind wasn't dreams, it was visions on him, flashbacks of us and times when we used to be happy. Even though they're just visions in my head, the sight of him makes my heart throb and ache with extreme pain. Pain that I mistook for anger and fury for so long. I found out all too soon that I wasn't capable of hating you. It isn't possible. To hate the man that I had sworn to protect as a small boy, and had grown up to love more deeply than anyone else, wasn't possible. The throbbing in my chest, the pain in my heart wasn't hate, it was the feeling of loss and hopelessness. Sadness and despair is my life when you're not in it Kazuki.
I know that if I were to open my eyes the pictures of you would go away but the pain won't. the pain never goes away; it never even fades. All it does it get worse when I'm alone, and even more-so when I try to sleep. Sleeping is the worst. When I sleep is when you come for me, and make me feel so hallow and hopeless. Why do you make it hurt so much? Why do you want me to be miserable? Why do you torture me so, whan all I've ever done is protect you, stay by your side and love you? Why? Kazuki, all I want is for you to come back to me so this pain will disappear.
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
I open my eyes and stare out at the blackness that was our room. Maybe it's really all my fault that you left? Is that it, did you leave because of me? Maybe I didn't love you enough. Did I make another huge mistake to push you away and make you leave me? I know I've made so many mistakes with you. The night of the fire… yes I think that's when my mistakes started. I should have comforted you more, I should have… I don't know what I should have done. What did you want me to do Kazuki? What do you want of me now?
I don't owe you anything. You're the one who ran away from me, away from what we had. Why do you keep running? How could you run away when you were the one who held my head above the water. You're the one who kept me from giving up. You were my life and my light. My purpose. Now that you've run away I have no purpose, no reason to live. I love you so much Kazuki, and I want nothing more than to have another chance to win you back.
I sat up on the mattress and sighed. It was a hopeless act to try and sleep. I haven't had a good night's worth of sleep since you left. I stood up and walked over to a window. I pushed one of the planks of wood out of the way and stared out at the night sky. Are you sleeping well Kazuki? I hope you are. I hope you're having the best of dreams.
Kazuki you're trying to tell me something in my dreams aren't you? What is it? I'm trying to listen but the throbbing of my heart drowns out your words. Wait if you're the one who's running why do you appear in my dreams? Maybe… maybe we're both running. Or maybe I'm the only one who's running. Even though I'm not the one moving. I'm not the one who's physically moving away. Is my just sitting sit and not moving a form of running? But it doesn't make sense! We had finally found a place to call our home and you just left it. So why would I be running when I stayed and you left? Are you trying to tell me that it was time to move on Kazuki? I just wanted you and I to have some kind of stability in our lives for once. That's all I wanted. To just settle down and love you. Living out my life here with you would have made me the happiest person in all on Japan. I would have been so content with my life.
And so if my mistakes were the reason that you left why did you tell me you were leaving? Why did you ask me to go with you? What a huge mistake. I should have gone with you when you left. I mean didn't I make a promise that I would protect you and be by your side at all times? What kind of doctor am I? What kind of protector can I call myself? How can I call myself your lover? My mistakes make me want to scream at how stupid I am. How could I let this happen to me? How could this happen to us? I thought we were so happy.
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I sigh again and slid down the wall. You've come back to the Limitless Fortress along with the Lightning Emperor and his friends. Are you trying to stop the utopia that Makubex is creating? Can't you tell that the world that Makubex wants to make can become our safe haven? Makubex's utopia is going to stop all of the screaming in the Limitless Fortress. And my screaming too. I'm screaming Kazuki can't you hear me? I screaming for you to come back to me so that we can be happy.
If you don't came back, I don't know what will become of me. I'll probably just stay in this room, being haunted by memories of you and I. I'll just keep sliding deeper and deeper until I'm swallowed by my nothingness. But there's something that is hanging onto me, keeping me from fading. I think that that something is you Kazuki. It's as if one of your threads is holding on to me. Refusing to let me fall into oblivion, and I don't know if I want to cling to that thread or sever it and fall into darkness. If you are trying to save why don't you come to me and lift me up. Give me back your light that made my life so happy. Or is it something that is buried deep in your uncounciousness? Do you not know that you're trying to save me? Or maybe it's a little of both. Maybe you want to save me but you don't know how.
Whichever it is please come back to me Kazuki. Change my life again and save me like you did so many years ago. I promise if you came back to me I'll try harder, whatever you want me to do I'll try to do it better. I'll make you so happy I promise! I wish we could start over but I guess I know deep down in the bottom recesses of my heart that it might be too hard to start over. Too late to start over.
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound
but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
I stood up and replaced the wood back over the window blocking out the stars. I walked over to the small dresser and opened the top drawer. Pushing aside a sheet I pulled out a framed picture of us together. It had been taken back when we just arrived at the Limitless Fortress. You looked so happy and I even had a small smile on my face. How did we go from that to what we are now?
I remember when we were children we used to play and train, and nothing back then even seemed to matter. But even as I try to remember those long ago years they slip away from my memory, and they're harder and harder to remember. All they are now are hazy and blurry scenes of the past. And now the past doesn't even matter because you're gone and I'm so afraid that you'll never be coming back to me.
I couldn't stop the fire that night I couldn't stop anything that happened to you back then, but I've dedicated my life to making your perfect, but how can I do that now? I couldn't save my family and I could save your mother. And worst of all I couldn't save you from the pain and the tears that you shed. I couldn't protcet you form the pain and sadness that you felt. I want to change our past completely but I can't. I can't erase all the things that I did or didn't do.
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erasethe things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I thought about putting the photo back into it's dark hiding place, but I decide that tonight I want to hold on to that last trace of what we used to have. I want to cling to it until it's gone forever. After tomorrow… after we fight I won't be able to go one after that. I hope and pray secretly that you'll win and that you'll kill me. I can't defeat you, not because my skills are less than yours but because you are my master and my lover. I cannot and will not defeat you. And if you will not kill me then…. I suppose I will have to take my life and fate into my own hands. I will commit the ultimate crime against you. I will leave your side.
I went back over to my mattress and plop down on the soft surface. Curling up into a ball and hold the framed photo to my chest and tears prick at my eyes. I want to hold you Kazuki. Not some flimsy paper copy of you. Nothing on this earth can replace the warmth of you, and the feeling that holding you gives me. Nothing will bring that back to me though. I close my eyes trying to stop the tears but it's no use. They come and so do my soft sobs. My Kazuki, I miss you terribly. Will I miss you more once I'm gone from this world? I hope not. I hope to forget my life. And I hope to forget the pain.
Whichever way this fight goes doesn't matter, because either way it will mean the end of me. The night is going on but I'm just laying here fading away. I need to get some kind of sleep or I won't even give you a good fight. I want to at least be able to give you a fight that you are worthy of. I let out another sob then curl up tighter against the cold dark night.
I've made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Kazuki, you will always be my one true master. And my one true love.