A/N: I'm FINALLY back with another story! HUZZAH! My computer was being a butthead for a very, very long time, and then I had a ton of schoolwork to catch up on and some academic competitions *assumes snobby tone of scholarly smartness*, so yeah… *gets rid of snobby tone* Anyway, I'm back! This is my first story for the Warriors fandom. It takes place around the time of The Sight. Now on with the fic!! :D
Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors. If I did, Oakheart would have joined ThunderClan to be with Bluestar, Silverstream and Mosskit would be alive, Cinderpelt/Littlecloud would be canon, and Spottedleaf would have never existed. Mwahaha. I also do not own the comparison of Edward Cullen to Yellowfang; I modified that from a Warriors parody on deviantArt called "Warriors Spoof ITW." My friend owns "Stay off mah Ohno." And I don' t own Chutes and Ladders. Okay, let's just say I don't own anything. Happy now?
The sun was sinking in the sky over ThunderClan. Said sky was pink and purple. The authoress continued to build setting descriptions, just in case this becomes a massive hit and you decide to write a book report with it. You're welcome. Firestar was sitting outside his den with Sandstorm, quietly sharing a piece of fresh-kill, and most of the cats were also finishing meals, sharing tongues, or retiring to their dens. Since this serenity is getting seriously Not-Warriors-Like, let's spice things up! ZOMSC LOOK SQUIRRELFLIGHT ZOOMED INTO THE CAMP!! She was panting heavily!! ZOMG!! WHAT HAPPENED?? Squirrelflight didn't stop until she reached her parents, who looked up in alarm at their daughter's frizzed-out fur and wild look in her eyes. You know, I look like that too when I don't use conditioner, so I don't know what all the fuss is about.
"What's going on, Squirrelflight?" asked Sandstorm.
Squirrelflight let out a wail of desperation, which drew many of the cats to the center of the hollow to see what was causing the hullabaloo. "IT'S BRAMBLECLAW!!"
Most of the cats *headdesked* and let out moans of "Not again." Well, except for Ashfur. He started partying.
Firestar tensed. "Has he been attacked?"
Squirrelflight blew her nose on her tail and nodded. "W-we were patrolling by the ShadowClan border, and... and we smelled a fresh scent. We couldn't tell if it was on ThunderClan territory or not, so we decided to wait until they came by again. W-while we were waiting... Brambleclaw spotted a Twoleg book laying in the grass nearby. It was called Twilight or something-"
Spiderleg called out, "Isn't that the name we gave to the second generation, part 5 of our Clan history? Like, when Leafpool ran off with Crowfeather-"
"Save it for the health education part of your apprenticeship," growled Leafpool. "I think they added a 'Stay Away from Forbidden Love' section after Crowfeather and I had all that fun up in the hills-"
"This is getting rather raunchy," commented Thornclaw. "Shouldn't we keep it to a PG rating at least?"
"Get your mind out of the ravine, Thornclaw," mewed Cloudtail.
"I'm not an apprentice anymore," muttered Spiderleg mutinously.
"SHUT UP, EVERYONE!" shrieked Squirrelflight. "ANYWAY, it didn't have cats on the cover. It had some Twoleg fruit... I think it's called an apple. And so Brambleclaw started reading it... to pass the time. And... t-that's when the ShadowClan patrol came by and attacked Brambleclaw. One of them said t-that the book was a stupid Twoleg-kit vampire romance novel and that anybody who read it was stupid. Then Brambleclaw said something about being on 'Team Edwardpaw,' and then one of the ShadowClan cats said that he was on 'Team Jacobpaw,' and then the fight broke out."
"They attacked him on our own territory?" called Brackenfur. "ZOMSC!"
"Uh-huh," sobbed Squirrelflight. "And then they took him prisoner for being on Team Edwardpaw!"
Yowls of outrage came from most of the cats, except for Mousefur. "Hey, I've heard of that book!" she meowed loudly, and everyone turned to look at her except for Ashfur, who continued to party it up in the corner with the catnip and the root beer. "It's supposed to be really horrible. Like, it's about this stupid apprentice-age Twoleg kit who whines all the time, and then she moves to a new Clan called ForkClan, where it rains all the time, and she's super upset about that, and then she meets a really attractive tom, but he turns out to be a cannibalistic thousand-year-old sparkly virgin-"
"Sounds like Yellowfang!" called out Dustpelt.
"She wasn't a virgin, you idiot." Sandstorm rolled her eyes. "Remember Brokentail?"
"What does THAT have to do with anything?" hissed Dustpelt. "Kits come from the stork, DUH!"
"ForkClan? What in Tigerstar's name is a fork?" asked Sorreltail, apparently still thinking about Mousefur's words.
"That rhymed!" shouted Poppypaw. "Stork, fork!"
"Anyway," finished Mousefur, "it's horribly written. I heard that there were 30129478344028942 uses of the word 'murmur' in the first paragraph."
Honeypaw gasped. "ZOMSC! Nobody, like, murmurs anymore. That, like, TOTALLY went out of style in the time of, like, LIONCLAN. If Brambleclaw, like, doesn't care about tha FASHION TRENDS, he TOTALLY deserves to be, like, kidnapped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11"
"Singin' polly wolly doodle all day..." sang Ashfur drunkenly in the corner.
"You know," mused Cloudtail, "maybe Honeypaw has a point. This certainly sounds like one stupid book. REAL warriors should be hunting for the Clan, not reading young-kit cannibal romance novels. I mean, our forbidden loves are SO much cooler."
"Is there something you'd like to tell me about your personal experience with forbidden love?" Brightheart shot Cloudtail a suspicious glare.
"I agree with Cloudtail," piped up Cinderpaw. "I heard it got really bad reviews. And if Twolegs like it, then it's probably a bad thing."
Mewls of agreement were heard from the crowd.
"SO LET'S SHUN BRAMBLECLAW AND HAVE A PART-AY!" shouted Ashfur.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" screamed Squirrelflight.
"OHNO!" shouted Poppypaw.
"STAY OFF MAH OHNO!" meowed Ferncloud.
"Huh?" meowed Dustpelt.
"Stupid tom," muttered Ferncloud. "We're talking about APOLO OHNO, aka the extremely attractive Twoleg. He's supposed to be super-speedy. Good hunters are especially valued among she-cats, you know."
Dustpelt started to cry.
"SILENCE!" shouted Firestar. "Brambleclaw is a good warrior, and he has the right to read whatever he wants. He's the deputy, for StarClan's sake. We can't leave him alone in ShadowClan. So Squirrelflight, you will lead a patrol to go get him. Whitewing, Berrypaw, and Thornclaw can go with you."
"I still think no self-respecting warrior reads Twoleg novels," muttered Thornclaw. "Especially crappy-quality Twoleg novels like this one."
"Shut up," hissed Firestar.
The cats began to troop out of the hollow and into the pinky purple sky we discussed earlier. See? I'm still accommodating your book reports! I'm so nice! As Squirrelflight passed Firestar, she stopped. "Thanks, Firestar," she mewed. "Oh, and I could still be gone after nightfall, so would you mind looking after Lionkit, Hollykit, and Jaykit for me? Like a sleepover? It'll be fun for them... they can get to know their grandparents better."
Firestar stared at her. "How are Sandstorm and I supposed to take care of kits?" he mewed. "I'm old. Just this morning I woke up with a gray fur patch on my tail and a receding muzzle-line, and I was thinking about the scar I have from Clan War II-"
"Do some research or something," Squirrelflight cut in impatiently. "I've got to go. You'll be fine." She raced off after the others, leaving Firestar staring, stricken, off into the distance.
Sandstorm padded over to him. "What's wrong?" she asked.
Firestar looked at her. "We have to kitsit Jaykit, Hollykit, and Lionkit until Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw get back."
Sandstorm stared at him for a minute. Then she turned tail and started running toward the entrance to the camp.
"Where are you going?" cried Firestar.
"I'm going to the abandoned Twoleg nest," she called. "Maybe they have games for kits still there or something. Like 'Chutes and Ladders.'"
"What the dirt is a ladder?" Firestar raised an eyebrow.
"Daisy told me about it! Now I'm leaving so I can get back before moonhigh!" She raced off.
Firestar sighed, watching her go, and then slowly began to pad over to the nursery. It would be best to get this over with.
Did you like it? Was it horribly pathetic and annoying, what with the self-inserts and the cats' sudden ability to read the English language? Tell me about it!! REVIEW, PLEASE!! Anyone who does gets a cookie!