Hi guys, so this is set directly after Gibbs is arrested in 'Double Blind'. I know that the subject of Adam has kind of divided the NCIS fandom but I'm hoping that feelings have kind of calmed down by now. I don't want any Ziva bashing thank you, I'm up for constructive criticism on my writing but this is purely my point of view so keep it clean in ye olde review section. Thanks in advance, and enjoy xx
The squad room had remained silent for most of the day since Gibbs had been taken away by an excessively over the top armed escort. Vance had ordered the rest of the team to stay where they were for the rest of the day whilst he found out what the hell was going on. The silence was palpable, with little conversation except for the polite offer of coffee, and the polite acceptance, there was no small talk, no eye contact.
Timothy McGee had spent a lot of his day observing his partners behaviour, something was wrong, horribly wrong, he knew they were both worried about Gibbs but there was something else underlying. Parsons had obviously opened up a rift between the two of mammoth proportions. He could see the blatant look of hurt and confusion on Tony's face and the look of guilt and remorse on Ziva's as she desperately tried to make eye contact with her partner, who was keeping his eyes firmly fixed on anything but her the whole time.
It was nearing the end of the day, and unable to stand the atmosphere in the room any longer, McGee made the conscious decision to leave them to it.
"I'm gonna go see Abby," he addressed them both as he pushed his chair back and stood up, "see if she's ok."
"I think she's in Autopsy with Ducky," Ziva smiled weakly as McGee cornered his desk and headed off to the elevator.
"Thanks," McGee returned her smile, "see you guys later."
Ziva turned her attention back to Tony just in time to catch him avert his eyes from hers.
"I'm gonna hit the head," he stated without looking at her, getting up and heading off to the men's room.
Ziva followed his movements through the office, her eyes not leaving his form until he rounded the corner out of sight. She knew that the secret she had tried so hard to keep hidden had hurt Tony, as soon as she saw his face she had known, but it was her own tongue that had caused the most damage, the regret was instant and overwhelming as she had seen the look in Tony's eyes. She desperately wished she could take that conversation back but the damage was already done, she had to fix it, if Tony would allow her the opportunity.
Running her hands through her hair she sighed deeply as she considered her words, talking to Tony now, in the privacy of the men's room might be her best chance, she couldn't let him drift further away from her, especially now with the team in such chaos and all of their futures in such jeopardy.
She stood up and rubbed her clammy hands on her trousers, she was so nervous; she could hear her heart beating loudly in her ears. She made her way through the office; reaching the men's room door she turned the knob gently, opening the door to find Tony stood in front of the mirror, hands braced either side of the sink, mirroring his position from nearly 4 years earlier.
Tony didn't even have to look up to know who it was that had almost silently entered the room, he knew her all to familiar presence only too well, a presence that usually he longed for was now inciting such conflict within him.
"What do you want Ziva?" he asked flatly as she closed the door behind her and locked it.
Ziva nervously played with her fingers as she stared at Tony's reflection in the mirror, willing him to look at her. "We need to talk Tony," she stated.
"What is there to say?" Tony asked, still not meeting the gaze he felt boring into his soul.
"I cannot bear things being like this between us," Ziva implored him, walking over to the sinks so she could look him in the face, "what I said before, I…."
Before she could finish her sentence Tony turned to face her and cut her off.
"I'm going to tell you something now," he started, meeting her gaze, with an expression on his face she had never seen before, "what I am going to say should leave no room for interpretation or ambiguity, I mean every word when I tell you that I love you, not just as a partner, or a friend, but you, as a woman, with every inch of my soul I love the very bones of you and I have for a long time. And maybe I should have told you that sooner but I dunno, there never seemed to be the right time for both of us."
Ziva held her breath as Tony just stared at her. She felt the tears prick the back of her eyes as the rest of her body refused to move, unable to process what he had just told her she just stood there, dumbfounded, gazing into his deep green eyes, trying to form a response to his declaration.
"I know you well enough to know that you don't have a clue what to say to me right now," he continued, lowering his tone to a softer one, "now you know how I feel, you just need to figure out if you feel the same."
With that Tony ripped his eyes away from Ziva's and headed for the door, giving Ziva one last glance in the mirror he walked out, leaving her stood there in shock. Her heart was screaming out after him but her body was unwilling to cooperate, with the gentle click of the door as it closed, she knew he was gone.
She sank to the floor with her head in her hands as the tears flowed freely down her cheeks, she knew that she had hurt him badly, but she had only just realised quite how badly, what had she done!
With a million thoughts running through her head she picked herself off the floor, not bothering about washing her tear stained face she bolted for the door, walking quickly back into the bullpen to find it empty. She walked up to Tony's desk and noticing that his coat and bag were both missing she looked towards the elevator. Seeing it was in use she ran for the stairs, taking two at a time until she was in the parking lot. Desperately searching for Tony's rental car she stopped as she saw the tail lights disappear under the barrier on their way out of the yard.
Cursing she ran back into the building and up to the office, quickly grabbing her phone she dialled Tony's number as she grabbed her coat and bag. She stopped in her tracks as she heard the familiar ringtone coming from Tony's desk, walking over and opening the top drawer she saw his phone sitting on top of a pile of papers. Slamming the drawer shut in frustration she walked back to her own desk, picking up her things she headed towards the elevator with an urgency the like of which she had never felt before, she had to find him, she had to make things right.
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As Tony drove the familiar route back home he was beginning to wish he had gone for beer instead of soda at the bar, it had taken all of his self control not to let himself wallow in the bottom of a beer bottle, given the days events it would have been all too easy to slip back into the cycle he had become accustomed to as a coping mechanism so many times before.
Gibbs' arrest would have been more than enough on any other day to trigger such a cycle, however that, coupled with everything that was going on with Ziva had turned his thoughts into a war zone. He was partially relieved but mostly annoyed that he allowed himself to become emotional and blurt his feelings out to her, one part of his brain congratulating him on finally having the guts to do it, but the other part beating him down, chastising him for his crappy timing and his selfish reaction when he should be focused on bigger things. But it was such raw emotion, born out of complete and heart achingly stomach clenching hurt, he was just grateful he had not revealed more to her.
As he pulled into his street he found that the usual gap outside his apartment block was now occupied, leading him to curse and drive a bit further up, finding a gap on the opposite side of the road. As he pulled into the space and turned his engine off he rested his forehead on the steering wheel, letting out a deep sigh, wishing he could go to sleep and wake up to find that the day had just been a bad dream and that he didn't know what he now knew about so many things.
Reaching into the back seat he grabbed his bag and coat then exited the car, stopping in his tracks as he noticed the shadowy figure, barely illuminated in the dimness of the streetlight, standing on the pavement opposite him.
"Hi," he offered, not entirely sure if he was ready for round two, but unable to ignore her.
"Hi," she replied, shuffling nervously on the edge of the pavement.
"What are you doing here Ziva?" he asked, as straight faced as he could, making no effort to move from his position.
Taking a step off the pavement and moving between the parked cars Ziva came to a standstill, her face now fully visible to Tony, he could see the emotions playing across her features. He wanted to be angry with her, so badly, he wanted to go upstairs and be able to just be angry and hurt and wallow in self pity, but the way she was looking at him he found his determination being challenged, he was unable to tear his eyes away from hers.
"I wanted to talk to you," she replied, trying so hard to reign in her urge to just run across the road and fling her arms round her partner.
"So talk," he offered, feeling his resolve slipping away just that little bit more every second that his eyes were locked with hers.
As she bridged the gap between them she felt every sentence she had carefully constructed whilst she had been sat on the steps to Tony's apartment building waiting for him to return home, dissolve on her tongue before they even got to her lips, nothing seemed adequate in the face of his earlier declaration. Unable to focus under the intense scrutiny of his gaze, she ripped her eyes away from Tony's, attempting to gather her thoughts.
Tony waited patiently, knowing full well that if he pushed her she might clam up. It was part of the post elevator them, allowing her the opportunity to express her feelings without him pushing too much he had found her becoming more and more open with him, or so he had thought.
Ziva turned her eyes back to meet Tony's, still unsure of what to say she whispered, "Tony, I…."
"What?" he whispered in return.
Ziva took a final step towards him, now so close that their toes were touching she reached for his right hand with her left, expecting him to pull away as she traced her fingers gently down his palm. When he didn't she laced her fingers through his, gripping his hand tightly as she contemplated her next move, her eyes never leaving his. As she felt him squeeze her left hand she placed her right hand on his chest, feeling his heart pounding beneath her palm. Then throwing all caution to the wind she snaked her hand up to rest on Tony's cheek, balancing on her toes as she placed the lightest of kisses on his lips.
It took Tony a second to realise what was happening as he felt Ziva's warm lips on his, and as his initial shock dissipated he could do nothing but return the kiss, his free hand winding around her waist he drew her closer to him, feeling her grip and his other hand tighten.
As Ziva broke this kiss, Tony noticed the tears streaming down her cheeks, bringing his hand up he gently swept them away with his thumb.
"When you do things like that it makes it very hard for me to be mad with you," he told her gently, tucking her hair back behind her ear, "well not really mad, ok a little mad but mostly hurt."
"I know Tony," and hear could hear the guilt in her voice, "you have no idea how sorry I am for everything."
"I don't want you be sorry Ziva, I just want you to trust me and be honest with me," he implored her.
"I do trust you Tony," she desperately tried to reassure him.
"It hasn't seemed like that the last few months," he replied, trying not let the accusatory tone in his head translate onto his tongue.
"Can I be honest with you now?" she asked him, swallowing nervously. She knew that in this moment it was make or break for them, she had to open her heart, regardless of whether that made him stay or go.
"There is nothing I want more Ziva," he assured her, giving the hand still grasped around his a gentle squeeze.
Ziva took a step back, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath.
"This year," she started, exhaling heavily and opening her eyes to again meet Tony's, "I have become increasingly aware that the dynamic of our relationship has been changing, this 'post elevator us' as you call it, where we are more open with each other, talk to each other, however for a long time before that I knew that my feelings for you were becoming stronger and far less platonic."
Tony couldn't help but smile a little at her admission; he squeezed her hand again, encouraging her to carry on.
"But since my father died," she continued, "for the first time in a very long time I became scared. Scared of just how deeply I feel for you and allowing myself to get too close to you, knowing that everyone I love gets hurt. And then I began to think about all the times over the years that it had been me that was the one who hurt you, so many times, especially with Michael Rivkin, and how each time you had forgiven me. I began to feel so guilty, thinking maybe if you knew everything about me that maybe you would hate me and I would lose you, just as I realise that you are everything to me."
"Ziva…" Tony tried to interrupt her train of thought but she brought a finger to his lips and he silenced his protest.
"You were partially right Tony; I have been keeping you at arms length, but not for the reasons you think," she had to tear her eyes away from Tony's as she saw a flash of hurt at her revelation, however he kept his grip tight on her hand. "I know you think that I do not trust you but that could not be further from the truth, I trust you more than anyone I have ever had in my life, but I could not stomach the thought of anything happening to you because of me, which is why I did not want to involve you when I was searching for Bodnar. It was bad enough that Jackie Vance died in all of this but if you…" Ziva stopped mid sentence as she was forced to swallow back a sob, "I would not know how to be without you."
Tony brought his hand up to once again sweep away a stray tear that had begun to trail its way down Ziva's cheek.
"And I could have been, when Bodnar crashed into our car, and I might still be, after everything that has happened today."
"Ziva…" Tony started, and this time she didn't try to stop him, "I am not angry that you slept with Adam, believe me, I get it, I am just hurt that you did it because you felt alone, when I had told you that you weren't, in your own language no less."
"I felt physically alone in Israel, Adam was there at that second in time, when you were not, it was a release, that was all," she tried to explain.
"If you had asked I would have been there as soon as I could," he told her gently, "I wouldn't have taken advantage of your vulnerable state but I would have done all I could to be there for you, in whatever way you needed me to be."
"And you saying that now, after everything, makes me feel even worse Tony," Ziva continued, tears now flowing freely down her face, "I do not understand how you can be like this with me, I am damaged goods and I do not deserve your loyalty, or your love."
"No you don't," Tony argued, "you deserve someone far better than me, but I would spend every day of the rest of my life trying to make you happy, that is all I have ever wanted, for you to be happy Ziva, with or without me."
As Ziva choked on a sob Tony pulled her into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around her as her tears began to soak into his shirt.
"How did we get so messed up?" he whispered into her hair, rubbing his hand in soothing motions across her back until her cries started to subside.
"I would give anything to go back to Berlin," she whispered against his chest.
"Why Berlin?" he asked, confused as to why she could possibly want to go back there.
"Because," she sighed, pulling away from Tony's embrace so she could once again look him in the eyes, "when we danced and you held me close to you, nothing else in the world mattered. For those few moments it felt like I lost myself to your soul, the look in your eyes made me feel nothing like I have ever felt before, Bodnar could have been stood in front of me and I would not have noticed."
Ziva felt herself blush under the intensity of Tony's gaze as she then added, "My father told me once that someday I would dance with a man who truly deserved my love, and I knew as we danced together that it was you."
"Dance with me now," Tony smiled, offering his hand.
"Out here?" Ziva questioned.
"Yeah, right here, right now, dance with me," he insisted, grabbing her hand and pulling them into the middle of the street, wrapping his arm around her waist as she adjusted her hand in his and placed her other arm across his shoulder.
For a while they said nothing, swaying back and forth just staring into each others eyes, the moment they had shared in Berlin recaptured and intensified. Everything outside their bubble rendered unimportant, all that mattered was them and their feelings, and their eyes communicating everything else their words had failed to say.
Tony was the one to eventually break their comfortable silence.
"Clean slate," he offered, and as her eyes questioned his statement, he clarified, "you and me, clean slate. We leave the past is the past to never see the light of day again and we start again now, clean page in a new book."
"Are you sure Tony?" Ziva replied, stopping the motion between them but still retaining their position.
"I have never been more sure," he smiled in return, "I want to be with you more than anything else in the world, I wanna fall asleep with my arms wrapped around you and wake up with your arms wrapped around me, I wanna make you breakfast in bed, watch cheesy movies with you cuddled up on my sofa, I wanna dance with you in the rain and spend endless hours explaining American phrases to you but most importantly, I want you to see every day as you look into my eyes that you will always be the most important thing in my life, and believe that you are everything to me."
With that he started to lean towards her, releasing the hand gripped in hers, he moved it to cup her cheek as he closed the distance between them, tenderly pressing his lips to hers. Ziva eagerly returned the kiss, wrapping her arm around his neck as he pulled her closer to him, deepening the kiss as she moulded her body to his.
The sound of a car horn suddenly brought them crashing back to Earth, opening their eyes to the harsh glare of headlights; Tony quickly gathered his bag and coat and pulled Ziva onto the sidewalk out of harms way.
"Come on," he grinned, tugging her towards his building, "you fancy pizza and a cheesy movie?"
"There is nothing I would enjoy more," she replied, following him up the stairs, feeling so incredibly humble and lucky that she had Tony DiNozzo in her life.
Okay so there you go, hope you liked it, let me know, much love xx