"Ste, can I have the laptop for a minute? I just want to - "

"Amy!" He slammed the lid closed, rolled off his stomach and jumped off the bed. "You can't just barge in on me like that."

Amy stopped herself biting back. She saw that Ste was blushing, and decided that a bit of teasing was the way to go.

"I see. Looking at something naughty, were we?"

She smiled at him, but he wasn't in the mood.

"No," he pouted.

"Come on, let's see." Amy flung herself onto Ste's bed and started to open the laptop.

"No!" Ste crashed down beside her and grabbed hold of the computer. "It's private."

Amy tickled him. Ste tried to stay offended, but it was no good: Amy knew his ticklish places, just like...

They ended up in a heap, laughing, Ste's arms tightly around her.

"This is nice," she told him, and it was; it was comforting being this close to someone now that Lee wasn't here any more, and it was a relief that the bad feeling that had been dredged up between her and Ste, when she'd thought about taking the kids to the States, had been buried again for now. "It's alright, Ste, if you want to look at... you know... I mean, lots of people do it."

"I weren't looking at porn though, Ames."

"So what were you looking at?"

Why did Amy have to be like that, the way she asked you things like you had to answer?

"Just... shopping."

"Shopping?" She wrestled herself out of his arms, and propped herself on her elbows to look at him.

He didn't meet her eyes.

"Yeah, just shopping. Will you leave it now please?"

"You can tell me."

"You'll laugh though."

"I won't." She reached for the laptop and lifted the lid, and her mouth fell open. "Ste!"

"I told you."

"What are you looking at sex toys for?"

"Why d'you think, Amy, eh?"

"Eurgh." Amy shuddered as she scanned the screen. "Some of these look nasty."

"I know. Look, I've never... I didn't know what to type in, alright, and I weren't looking for anything..." His voice trailed off.

"... Kinky?" Amy couldn't keep the amusement out of her voice.

"I told you you'd laugh. Give it here." Ste closed the tab.

"I'm not laughing, not at you." Amy could see how uncomfortable Ste was feeling. "It's just, some of those pictures were a bit..."

"I know." Ste covered his face with his hands.

"Have you ever... tried anything like that before, Ste?"

"No."

"So why now?" she asked seriously.

"I dunno. Thought it might help."

"Oh Ste. If you're missing that, that side of things, why don't you start going out, see if you can find an actual person? Better than a plasticky thingy."

Ste smiled briefly before his expression clouded again.

"Don't want to. It never works out, does it? Not for me."

"You and me both."

"Yeah, but that was different, Lee going, it wasn't like he didn't love you enough or something."

"Who are you talking about, Ste? Noah, or - "

Noah hadn't entered Ste's head.

"Both," he said.

"Well, you deserve better than either of them. But you're never going to meet Mister Right unless you try."

"Amy, I said I don't want to." How was he meant to know, if some bloke came on to him in a club, that it wasn't going to be some nutter who'd batter him, or some liar, or a sleaze who'd be looking around all the time for someone better? "I'm not ready, am I."

They both laid back on the bed, staring in silence at the ceiling.

"You really thinking about getting one of those things, Ste?" Amy asked eventually. "Cos... we could go to a shop, then you'd see if they look that scary in real life."

"We?" Ste looked at Amy.

"Yes."

"What shop?"

"I don't know. There are shops in town. They're not full of old men in dirty macs, they're nice."

"Eh? How do you know? You been there, Amy?"

"Might have."

"Ames!"

"Alright then, yes. I went there with Lee once, okay?"

"Amy Barnes." Ste grinned at her.

"Don't, Ste. We'd had a few drinks, and we went in for a laugh."

"Oh yeah? What did you get, or don't I want to know?"

"Nothing. Not like you want. Just some clothes..."

"Amy! You're the mother of me kids, you."

They smiled at each other.

"Shut up. We could go though, Ste, if you like."

"Do they have like, things for blokes though? Or is it all sexy nurse outfits?"

"Trust me. They've got all kinds."

:::::::

All kinds.

They'd found the section near the back of the store marked Toy Shop.

"I don't even know what you're meant to do with some of these," Amy whispered.

"Me neither."

There were objects laid out on small round podiums where they could be picked up and examined. Others were mounted on the wall like hunting trophies, jutting upwards as if they'd been caught in the act. Vibrators, they were labelled, and Dildos.

Amy and Ste scrutinised them from a distance.

"So can you see anything you fancy?" Amy asked doubtfully.

"Erm, are they all for girls, or..?"

"Ask that lady."

There was a woman dressed in the shop's uniform. She smiled when they looked across at her.

Ste thought she looked like someone's auntie.

"Anything in particular you're looking for?" the woman asked.

Amy looked at Ste. Ste looked at the floor.

"Ste?" Amy could see he wasn't going to say anything, so she made a small gesture towards the display of dildos, and a smaller one towards Ste, and asked the assistant, "Can you tell us which of these can be used for, um..?"

"For anal play you mean, my loves?" It was as if she was selling kitchen gadgets. "These here are all safe for that. There's these, which are more a streamlined aesthetic, or these here if you're looking for something that's anatomically realistic. Alright? Have a play, and give me a shout if you need any help."

She left them with another friendly smile.

"So, Ste," Amy said, leaning close to him, "Do you want a steamlined aesthetic, or an anatomical... thingummy?"

"This is mad, innit."

"I know." Amy tentatively touched a neon-pink dildo with the tips of her fingers. "Go on, Ste."

Ste touched it too, more decisively than Amy.

"Eurgh, it's hard innit."

"Isn't that the idea?" Amy said archly.

"Yeah but, it don't feel like - " He dropped his voice - "A real willy."

Their giggling was interrupted by the saleswoman.

"You might prefer the anatomical ones then. The silicone is created to feel like real skin, and the detail is lifelike to enhance your enjoyment." She detached one from the display and held it out to Ste in both hands like an offering. "See? Feels like the real thing. I'll leave you to decide."

"Ta." Ste was left grasping the flesh-coloured dildo in his fist. "What d'you think?"

Amy pulled a face.

"The other ones are nicer. There's that blue one, look."

"What's wrong with this one?" It was true what the lady had said, it felt like proper skin, and it quickly warmed in his hands. It was at least eight inches long, maybe nine, and the weight and thickness of it reminded him of -

"It's a bit... chunky. And it's got veins on it, eew." Amy shivered.

Ste shrugged.

"I'm having it."

They left the shop with the toy and a big bottle of lube. Ste made Amy hold the carrier bag on the walk home from the bus stop.

:::::::

"So, are you going to try it tonight?"

Ste tutted.

"Nosy aren't you. I might not even ever do it, I only got it just in case, didn't I."

"Alright, tetchy." Amy got up from the couch and bent to kiss Ste on the cheek. "Night night, see you in the morning."

Ste stood up too and turned off the telly. He went and had a long soak in the bath, then fell asleep almost as soon as he got into bed.

He checked the time when he woke up a few hours later: two thirty-five. Ste always woke up in the night these days. For weeks, his mind used to go straight to Rae, imagining her twisted body, cold and alone in the boot of a car. Brendan's car. The thought of it had filled his head with anger and confusion, not knowing how Brendan could have been that person who had done those things, without him having a clue.

It had taken time for him to cram the shock and the pain into a locked-up part of his brain, and then he'd begun to think properly, and then he saw that Amy had been right, right after Rae had died. It wasn't the same: what Brendan had done to Ste was nothing like what someone had done to those girls, and Ste remembered what he'd worked out for himself before his grief sent him mad, that it was fear that had driven Brendan to hurt him, all kinds of fear, and hating himself for what he was, and not being able to deal with the way he thought the world would look at him. And Ste realised, eventually, that even the man who had killed Danny Houston wouldn't have been able to do the kind of murders they'd arrested him for. Talking to Amy and to Cheryl had helped, but it was when he sorted out what he truly knew for himself, that he became sure. So one day, when Amy came home, he'd said to her, You were right, Ames. Brendan never did it, and she looked at him in surprise and said, I was just going to tell you that, and it turned out that it was the talk of the village: they'd arrested that Silas from the pub, the one Lynsey had been on about all along.

That didn't mean Ste was going to forgive him though. Brendan had still done all those things to him, and Ste wasn't going back there, not in a million years. So what if he never came back from wherever he'd run off to after they let him out of prison? Good riddance.

Ste went for a wee. On his way back to bed he caught sight of the carrier bag from the sex shop in the corner of his room. He picked it up and got the box out of it, and sat on his bed to unpack it. It was weird, this. He shut his eyes and touched the dildo, holding it with one hand, stroking it up and down with the other. It was shocking how real it felt. It didn't taste right, of course, when he touched its tip to his tongue. There wasn't that tang of piss that disappeared into saltiness and something all its own, that told you it was human and alive, and made you feel alive too, and connected and hungry. It tasted of nothing.

He laid it on the mattress and got the lube out of the bag. Then he slid his boxers off and knelt on the bed. He was nervous, and he tried to work out why. He didn't feel sexy even though he wanted sex: he felt silly. His face and neck felt flushed with embarrassment, even though there was no-one here to see him. It was funny, even at the start with Brendan, right from that time in the cellar, he had never once felt embarrassed. Clumsy and inexperienced at first, and still surprised sometimes even as he got more used to it, but never embarrassed. It was the excitement, he supposed, because that made him forget everything else; that, and the way Brendan looked at him, like Ste was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen in his life.

His cock was stirring. Okay, good. He gave it a pull and a squeeze to get it going, and his breathing got quicker. Then he pumped onto his fingers a blob of lubricant from the new bottle, and smeared it around his arsehole; it felt nice, and he pushed a finger inside. He was going to do this. Another squirt of the thick lube, and he smoothed it onto the head of the dildo. Ste frowned: it looked enormous, but it was no bigger than... It was just that he was having to do it himself, that must be what was weird about it.

He knelt forward, his forehead almost touching the pillow, and reached behind himself to position the toy. He'd have to relax or he'd never get it in, but everything was wrong. It was slippery now and it was hard to get a proper grip on it, and being face down like this made him think of when Noah was here. Noah always did it from behind. Always. Ste could remember the feeling of Noah's cock nudging against his hole, and it was all Ste this and Babe that, and pushing and jabbing and then whining, Come on Babe, and a thrust that made Ste yelp, and then Okay Babe? and then patient again as Ste's body surrendered. And it was alright at the time because it was good to feel wanted.

Maybe Noah didn't like kissing, and that was why he did it from behind all the time: Ste had sometimes wondered that, because when Noah kissed him it never made him think about fucking. Or maybe he didn't need to see Ste's face, because it didn't much matter to him who he was screwing.

Brendan liked the eye contact. Sometimes he'd even told him to open his eyes, and it would take a minute before Ste heard him, because it felt like he was in outer space in his head, weightless in a storm of shooting stars. Brendan would say it again, Open your eyes, and he'd do it and Brendan's face would be inches from his own, and Ste would look into his eyes and see something like rage and something like pain, and something like need, and something like love.

But Brendan was a dead loss, wasn't he, and anyway he was gone because there was nothing to bring him hurrying back to the village after prison, not his sister, not his club, and not... Ste got off his knees and onto his back, like Brendan liked him, but not because Brendan liked him like that. He shoved a pillow under his bum, and pumped out another shot of lube. He breathed slowly, and hugged one knee against his chest, and slicked the lube around his hole again. How did Brendan do it? Because Brendan always got him ready – more than ready. Ste remembered. He stroked, lightly, circled, gently, pushed, firmly, and a finger slid in and played, and then at the right moment another finger; and then the third finger was easy. Ste found the dildo with his other hand and held it by its base, and eased it in between his fingers, and it felt familiar here, on this bed.

"Now? On our bed?"

"What can I say? Rae knows how to set a scene. That throw's really got me in the mood."

Brendan mounted him on the bed, unzipping as he did it, and it was like nothing else mattered, not Rae, not right and wrong, not anything but him and Brendan, kissing, Brendan's lips warm and dry, his tongue between Ste's teeth and top lip, and then behind his teeth, flicking and probing as they went tongue-to-tongue. Brendan's moustache felt soft, his stubble grainy. He took Ste's hand and pushed it down inside his boxers; and it was less than two months since Ste had touched for the first time in his life any man's cock but his own, and he was still amazed at the feel of it, growing in his fist as he handled it fiercely.

Brendan pushed up off him, and unzipped Ste's jacket, and pushed his white T-shirt up until it was bunched under his arms, and bent down and kissed his belly above the waistband of his trousers. Ste wriggled, because it tickled, and Brendan hooked his thumbs under the T-shirt where it banded across his chest, and held his shoulders down on the bed, and homed in on one nipple and blew on it. Ste felt it stiffen, and looked down to see it, and Brendan looked at him and grinned, and Ste laughed back at him. Brendan took the nipple between his teeth and tugged at it sharply, and Ste said Ow! and Brendan released it and blew on the other one.

"Don't bite though," Ste said, because it had hurt.

"Okay Stephen," and Brendan sucked it instead, and Ste felt like it might come off in Brendan's mouth.

He moaned. Brendan kissed his mouth again, soft and still and long. Ste held Brendan's head in his hands.

Brendan got off him and up off the bed, and got a rubber out of his jacket pocket. It was a bit annoying that he'd come along prepared like that, making assumptions.

"You didn't really lose them keys did you?"

"Didn't I?" Brendan smiled. "Maybe I missed you."

"Funny." Ste scrambled to get out of his clothes.

Brendan released his cock from his pants, and pointed at his erection.

"Look what you made. Clever boy."

He put the condom on.

"Aren't you gonna get undressed then?"

"You want me to?" Brendan asked, his voice like foreplay.

"Yeah. It's nicer innit." Nicer than a quickie in the toilets, trying not to get cum on your clothes.

"What about Rae?" Brendan asked. "We might not have long."

"She'll be ages yet. You can't drag the kids away from them swings for hours once they get there."

Brendan nodded, and took off his jacket and hung it on the door handle.

"Feel free to start without me."

Ste didn't get what he meant for a moment, then he saw where Brendan was looking as he carried on undressing. He was looking at Ste's cock, and Ste touched it for him, and Brendan stopped looking at Ste's cock and looked at his eyes instead, and neither of them blinked until Brendan had finished undressing and climbed onto him again. He lifted Ste's legs onto his shoulders and gave one of them an idle lick, wetly plastering a patch of hairs to the skin. Then he spat onto his fingertips and Ste felt them, warm and deft, making him open and pushing inside and finding the place that made him gasp. By the time Brendan's cock was there, Ste was frantic for it.

Ste's muscles stopped resisting, and he felt his body swallowing the dildo up to its base. He didn't need to hold it or push it now, so he put his feet flat on the mattress and squeezed his knees together, and heard himself groan, and began to play with his cock. He stroked it hard. The tip felt sensitive and almost raw, and when he rubbed his palm across it, his body spasmed and his head jerked back on the pillow. It was different, with the toy: it wasn't like a normal wank. He kept working on his cock with one hand, and with the other he took hold of the dildo's base and started to move it inside him, and when he came, his body convulsed around it and he cried out.

He left it in there for a few minutes, but it started to hurt, so he eased it out and wrapped it in the plastic bag he'd brought it home in.

Ste checked that Amy wasn't around, then went to the bathroom and washed the dildo in hot water, and washed himself, then went back to bed.

Brendan loved it when Ste's arms and legs were around him, Ste could tell. Brendan was always intense, but when he was as trapped by Ste's limbs as Ste was by the weight and power of him, his intensity went off the scale and Ste's matched it: he was wild for him.

They came both together, noisy and writhing, and Ste laughed as he gasped for breath. Brendan looked puzzled but then laughed too, and they rolled onto their sides, Ste wrapped in Brendan's arms, and somehow Brendan was still inside him, and they stayed like that in the comedown.

Eventually, Brendan let go and pulled out. He sat on the edge of the bed to take off the condom, then he reached for his boxers. Ste sat up and smoothed his hand over the scratches he'd made on Brendan's back, vivid and red on the pale skin.

"You going?" he asked.

"Rae won't be gone for ever, will she." Brendan didn't look at Ste.

"I told you, they'll be ages yet."

Brendan turned and looked at him then.

"Alright, Stephen. Five more minutes."

They got under the covers. Ste tucked himself under Brendan's arm and curled his body around him, and when he shut his eyes he thought he felt Brendan's kiss in his hair.

Ste lay awake for a while.

His body felt odd. He felt as if he'd had sex, and that toy, it had fitted him and filled him, the size and shape of it almost a replica of what he used to know. But maybe he'd been mistaken about what he was missing. He was missing him. The weight of his body, the feeling of being in his hands, the way he looked at him; his kisses; the way Brendan challenged him and made him a man, and the way he laid himself bare.

If he came back to the village, Ste would be frightened of seeing him, he knew it: if Brendan had found out that Ste had thought he was guilty, he'd be angry, and anyway who knew what state prison had left him in? But if Brendan would let him, Ste would talk to him or let him talk, because he knew a bit about what being locked up was like, how scary it was, how you never dared trust anyone. Maybe he could help. It would be worth a try, if he ever came back, because Brendan would need a friend, and Ste could be a friend to him even if everything else was gone.

Ste tucked himself under the covers and hugged a pillow against his chest, and curled his body around it, and when he shut his eyes he thought he felt Brendan's kiss in his hair.