"Shit. What the hell is that and why is it looking at me?"
"It's soba, BaKanda, and it's looking at you because you're ugly," Allen spat at the disgusted exorcist seated in front of the lunch counter.
"No, it's not."
"You just can't appreciate good home made cooking."
"You just suck at making good home made cooking."
"Hmph. I bet you're mother raised you on sour milk."
"I don't even have a mother." Allen was going to reply back with his own retort, but decided against it as Komui strolled into the Order's cafeteria.
"Allen! Good to see you serving your punishment!" Komui said, slapping Allen on the back.
"He's not serving it well..." Kanda muttered, weakly stirring the greenish yellow concoction in his favorite soba bowl. Without hesitation, Allen jumped over the counter separating him and Kanda and crushed his lips to the older boy's knocking the rejected bowl of soba aside. He and Kanda fell over onto the floor, still connected by their mouths. Kanda pushed the white haired boy off of him, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.
"Wah! What did you do that for!?" he complained, a hint of hysteria in his voice.
"It's the only way to shut you up!" Allen roared back, getting up. Komui looked from the two boys piled on each other and then to the door. Ultimately, he chose the door.
"Bye," he muttered, rushing through the door and looking for Lenalee. Not waiting, Kanda stood up and grabbed Allen by the hand. He led him through the opposite exit of the cafeteria and up the stairs to the west wing of the Order.
"Where are we going!?" Allen asked, attempting to free his hand of Kanda's grasp.
"My room," the older teen answered bluntly, more firmly holding Allen's hand.
"Why aren't we going to my room?" Allen asked angrily.
"Why would we go to your room?"
"Well, if we're going to someone's room, it might as well be mine!"
"We're going to my room to exorcise you, Moyashi," Kanda explained.
"That better not be some bad pun, BaKanda!" Allen yelled, grabbing the banister on the side of the staircase. Kanda struggled to continue pulling him along, but gave up when Allen attempted to bite his arm. He sighed, and turned toward Allen, brushing some of the boy's stray white hairs out of his face.
"Fine," he relented, pushing Allen onto the carpeted floor. Allen shifted uncomfortably, for he was looking down at the bottom of the stair case. "We'll do it here," Kanda continued.
"Er...Kanda...I'm going to fall head first down the stairs at any moment..." Allen pointed out. "And, what're we going to do here?" Kanda just smirked at the clueless boy beneath him.
"What do you think I mean?" he said, beginning to unbutton the white haired boy's uniform.
"Ack!" was all that Allen could think of to say, and so he did. The solitary word echoed throughout the chasms of the west wing. Kanda frowned at the boy and flung Allen's white button-down shirt down the stair case; it landed at the bottom.
"Hey! Stop!" Allen ordered as the raven-haired boy on top of him worked his way downward and started to undo his pant's fastenings. Kanda must not have heard Allen's cries, however, for he continued to undress the struggling boy like a doll. He threw Allen's pants down the stairs as well; they landed on top of the shirt.
"Gimme my pants back, BaKanda!" Kanda did not reply, but Allen knew that he wouldn't stop.
"Allen..." the dark haired teen whispered in Allen's ear; shivers shot up and down the younger exorcist's spine. "I won't rape you if you make me good soba from now on." Allen blinked. Kanda's voice had changed from a calm, reassuring one to an annoyed one in a matter of a few words.
"O-okay..." Allen replied.
"Good. Okay, so, I'm done here." Kanda stood back up and continued towards the top of the stairs; Allen remained on his back on the stair case as Kanda paraded away.
"Wait, BaKanda! What about my clothes?" Allen roared, sitting up using the banister.
"You can borrow some of my mine if you come to my room," Kanda replied, his ponytail disappearing from sight as he rounded a corner.
"Why your room!?"
A/N: AAAAH. I dunno. We (mikuzu and tsu-chan) wrote this a loooong time ago. I think it was our first ever collab, and I just found it as I was perusing my Google Docs. :D It's le awesome, no? Well...yeah. Mikuzu wrote most of it, but I did help, so technically, it's a collab. There was a point in time where mikuzu's dad found it and edited the bad words out of the first part, but I re-edited it back to the original. For your crackcrap reading pleasure, we upload.
~ tsu-chan