Her mind was blank. Empty. She didn't know what to do, or how to think. Okumura was dead. Why? It had never been this way before, and they hadn't done anything different this time around. They were just starting to gain confidence and popularity, only to have the rug ripped out from under them. It was degrading and discouraging, and they'd all had enough.
Ryuji was the first to leave, dragging his feet along the ground as he walked away from them. Ann followed shortly after. One by one, they walked away, until only Akira and Makoto remained. Makoto thought of going back home to her sister, and the taste in her mouth turned even more bitter. She was sick of being stuck there. Sae was barely ever home, and even when she was she spared no time for her little sister. She would remind Makoto to study, and only associate herself with good influences, and then she would crack her laptop open and type away on it, completely completely consumed by her work.
Makoto still remembered the time before her father died, when Sae's sense of justice had been as strong as his. Her sister had been idealistic and ambitious. If the cynical person that she was now had existed then, Makoto had never seen any sign of her. She remembered when her sister would come into her room every night before she went to sleep and sit on the edge of the bed. Sae would stroke Makoto's hair and smile softly down at her, before giving her a gently kiss on the forehead and rising to leave the room. She would be her goodnight with a fond, "Goodnight, kid."
It didn't matter now though. The sister that she remembered from those days was gone, caught up in the world of lies and manipulation that seemed to plague the hearts of so many adults nowadays. Makoto wished she could shed tears for her sister, but her memories felt sour now, tainted by her anger and resentment towards Sae.
"Goodnight, Makoto," Akira said to her. His eyes connected with hers briefly before he turned to walk away. Makoto stared at his back as he did so, captivated by him for a moment.
Emotion began to swirl around in her head, thoughts that she had never had before. She would likely have been ashamed and embarrassed of them at any other point in time, but she was so discouraged and downtrodden that she didn't really care. She made a split second decision.
She reached out and caught Akira's hand in her own. "Wait," she said softly. He turned back towards her, and his gentle eyes bore into hers once again. He was as handsome as he always was, but there was something different about him as well. The usual self confidence that permeated his face was completely absent, leaving him with an absent sort of look on his face. He probably felt as lost as the rest of them, but was trying to hold it together, for their sake.
For a few brief moments, Makoto said nothing to him. She merely stood there, his hand in hers, and stared into his deep gray eyes. Then, she spoke. "You could come with me," she said. "To my house."
His eyebrows shot up slightly in surprise. "I don't think your sister would like that," he responded, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
Her eyes narrowed, her fists clenched. Sae. It always came back to her, didn't it? Sae had accused Makoto of controlling her life, but in reality it was the other way around. Makoto went everywhere with her sister's shadow hanging over her, her sister's voice in her head. She approached the future with her sister's shoes to fill, and she was sick of it. "She probably won't even come home tonight. She rarely does now," Makoto said bitterly. She looked up at him. "Please."
Akira gave a slight nod. "If that's really what you want."
That was all Makoto needed to hear. She tugged gently on his hand, moving in the direction of the apartment that she shared with her sister.
—-
When they arrived, the blackness that permeated the house disappointed Makoto initially. Sae really hadn't come home yet, and it was almost 1:30 in the morning. Disappointment was quickly replaced by relief when she remembered Akira's presence beside her.
She motioned towards the table. "Make yourself at home," she said. She walked swiftly into the kitchen and yanked open Sae's liquor cabinet. Her sister hadn't been a drinker until their father died, and Makoto still wouldn't necessarily classify her as such, but there were some nights were she would go immediately to this cabinet for solace, and then collapse on the couch with a drink. Sae had been piss drunk the night of their father's funeral. She had sobbed and called out for him, and held onto Makoto like a child. It was perhaps the last time that Sae had made her little sister feel wanted or useful.
Makoto pulled out a bottle of cherry flavored vodka, reached for two glasses, and went to join Akira at the table. She poured out a few shots for them, and sat down across from them. She could see the darkness in his eyes, and she knew that this wasn't just a low moment for her. They were all feeling the effect of everything that had happened. Akira grabbed his glass without a second thought and took a large sip.
They sat in comfortable silence for a while, brooding. They each were hunched over the table, utterly defeated. As the two leaders of the group, they each felt a sense of responsibility for what had happened, and they wanted to reassure the others, as they usually did. But they could offer no comfort for their friends when neither of them were feeling right themselves. They were lost.
Makoto downed the rest of her drink, and then poured herself another glass. She drank until she swayed in her chair and the lights blurred together in front of her. She watched Akira from across the table, and she could see that he was buzzing from the alcohol in his body as well.
She stood up unannounced and stared at her friend. She could see the darkness in his eyes spread, and before she knew it, he was standing and approaching her, a predatory look in his gaze. He reached out for her face and captured her lips with her own, kissing her hungrily and possessively.
She welcomed it. She left one of her hands fisted in the material of his shirt, and let the other trail upwards and thread through his hair. He growled as she did so, and continued moving forward, pushing her backwards.
They managed to stumbled into her room, and she kicked the door closed behind them. He had her pressed back up against it in an instant, his lips moving down to her neck. She breathed heavily and moved her hands through his hair, overwhelmed. She could feel him bite at her skin and she gasped sharply. She knew he had left a mark.
He pulled back and looked into her eyes. Makoto felt utterly detached from the moment. It was as if she didn't even exist in her own body, as if someone else had control of her and she was just a spectator. "Do you want to…?" he asked tentatively.
She nodded before he even finished the question, and she pushed him back and reached for his belt. As she undid it, she thought of her sister, and how she always had such high expectations of her. Always expected her to score top of the class and listen to the teachers. Always wanted her to be the good girl. What would Sae say if she could see her now, as she reached into this boy's pants and grasped his dick? She felt a brief moment of hesitation, before she remembered how Sae, her sister, had called her useless, a leech that ate away at her life. Fuck that. Her resolve hardened.
She stepped away from Akira and undressed herself. She could see him frantically wrestling with his pants, struggling to get them off as quickly as possible. Their lips met again when they were done, all potential embarrassment washed away by the alcohol. He lifted her and dropped her unceremoniously on the bed before crawling over her.
When he moved inside her she lost whatever remained of her awareness of their surroundings. She didn't bother trying to be quiet as he moved, and she could tell he didn't care either. The headboard thumped rhythmically against the wall, and Makoto knew no sense of time. She knew nothing else but what was happening to her right now. Akira himself didn't even matter. All that mattered was what she was feelings, and the emotions and muddled thoughts that swirled around in her head.
Maybe she heard the door to the apartment open, maybe she didn't. She wasn't sure of anything anymore, after all. The last thing she remembered of the night was Akira finishing with a grunt and collapsing on top of her.
—-
She woke in the morning feeling like she had been run over by a tractor trailer. She groaned and sat up, rubbing her eyes before opening them to take in her surroundings. The bed was in disarray, and her clothes were strewn about the floor. Akira and his belongings were nowhere to be found. Normally, she be insulted and upset by this, but as she thought about it she found that it really didn't mean much to her. Neither of them had been themselves last night.
She groaned and rolled out of bed. She gasped as a wave of dizziness and nausea hit her, and she had to cling to the wall briefly for support. She felt like shit. She threw on a pair of sweatpants and a t shirt before opening her door and heading outside.
What she saw once she left the safety of her room made her stop dead in her tracks. Sae sat straight up on the couch, staring at a small white slip of paper. She looked up slowly to lock eyes with her younger sister, her jaw clenched and her mouth set in a firm line. Makoto could tell that Sae was angry, perhaps more angry then she had ever seen her.
Her sister stood swiftly and threw the paper down in front of her. "What the fuck is this?" She was practically trembling with rage. Makoto tentatively picked up the slip and read it. It was a letter from Akira.
Sorry Makoto, I hate having to leave like that. I don't want to be some dick who just uses you, because you mean so much more to me than that. But I just need to sort through some of my own shit right now. I'll call you later?
-Akira
Makoto slowly lowered her hand and looked back at Sae, who was standing with her arms crossed firmly. "So…what exactly are you asking me?" She asked nonchalantly. She moved into the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee.
"Don't play dumb with me!" Sae yelled. "You think I don't know what this means? Who is this boy?" Makoto didn't answer. "Look at me!"
Makoto rounded on her. "Why does it matter? Why do you even care, Sae? It's none of your business."
"Everything that involves you is my business!" Sae exclaimed. "I'm your guardian, Makoto! And I work too hard to have you traipse around like a whore behind my back!" Makoto flinched from her harsh words, but Sae didn't let up. She strode swiftly over to the table and brandished the bottle of liquor in front of her sister's face. "And alcohol, Makoto? Really? What could've possibly made you act this way?"
Another wave of nausea hit Makoto, and she gagged briefly, turning her gaze away from her sister. "That's exactly the problem, isn't it, Sis?" she said softly. "The fact that you don't know. You have no idea how I spend my time, who I hang out with. I could be depressed, and you would have no idea. I could be a goddamn serial killer, and you still wouldn't know! You spend all your time at work, and when you are home, you make no effort to talk to me. Some days I don't even see you." Makoto took a step back from her sister. "So you have no right to ask about my life. Don't think you can just detach yourself from me, and then reattach whenever it's convenient for you. That's not how it works."
The rage on Sae's face had melted into one of sadness and disappointment, and Makoto knew that she had struck a cord. "Even so," Sae said. "That doesn't mean this is right. You gave up your viriginity, Makoto. It doesn't even seem like you were involved romantically with this boy until last night. How could you just throw away something so important? I wanted better for you." She said the bottle back on the table. "And the drinking? You're clearly sick. You could've ended up hurting yourself."
Makoto could feel her own anger began to dissipate, weariness taking it's place. "You would never understand how I feel, Sis," she said, but when she looked at Sae's face, she could tell she wasn't listening. Her sister's face transformed from sad to horrified.
"Please tell me," she began, her voice shaking. "That you used protection?"
Makoto's eyes widened, her heart stopped. No. They hadn't used protection. How could they have been so careless?
"Oh, god." Sae covered her mouth with her hand, before picking up a glass from the table and hurling it at the wall. The glass shattered into tiny pieces, and Sae collapsed onto the couch and buried her head in her hands.
Makoto backed slowly away from her sister, towards the door. She could feel bile rising in her throat, but all she could think about was her stupidity. How could this possibly have happened. She realized that this one small decision could ruin her life. It could ruin Sae's life.
"I'm so sorry, Sis," she said. She could feel hot tears begin to run down her cheeks. "You're right, I do just depend on you and give nothing back. I eat away at your life, and it would be so much better without me in it."
Sae removed her face from her hands, and Makoto was surprised to see that there were tears running down her face as well. In an outburst of emotion that Makoto hadn't seen from her sister in years, Sae got up from the couch swiftly and ran over to her, taking her face in her hands and wiping away her tears. She then wrapped her arms tightly around Makoto, pulling her close as they both sank to the ground. "No, I'm the one who should be apologizing," Sae said, her voice strained. "This is all my fault. I pushed you away and that provoked you into doing these things. I'm so sorry, Makoto."
Makoto buried her face in Sae's neck and cried. It felt so good to be comforted again. Sae nuzzled the top of Makoto's head. "I love you, really. More than anything. Please don't ever forget."
As Makoto listened to the beating of Sae's heart, she gradually calmed down. She remembered how bitter and resentful their relationship had been in the past few years, but she finally felt like she was getting her sister back.