Harry Potter and the Eclipse of the Crossover: A Musical Comedy Thriller
--Long Author's Note—Skip it if you're a square—
Yes, it's true. I have finally broken down and started writing the Fanfic Every Fangirl Secretly Wants to Write: A Harry Potter/Twilight crossover. But—be fair!—there are so many questions to answer! Do wizards' spells affect vampires? Would Hogwarts accept the Cullens? Would Bella be as inept at magic as she is at everything else? What if all the best characters from both books joined together in a great musical revue? Okay, so maybe that last one was just me. But the point is—so much potential!
To my regular readers: I'm sorry I haven't updated anything in so long! I'm a terrible person. However, I do have a carefully-prepared excuse: I have been suffering from writer's block and MHS (Mucho Homework Syndrome). But I do now have several good plot developments in mind, and should have lots of stuff up soon.
Disclaimer: Some song lyrics have been altered beyond recognition to fit my devious purposes. Also, my apologies to Joann Kathleen Rowling, Stephenie Meyer, Stephen Sondheim, Andrew Lloyd Weber, every person who's ever written for Saturday Night Live, writers of Potter Puppet Pals, and (eventually) countless others…I am a thief. I'm sure something in here violates some sort of fair use law. Hmm, I bet JKR would know all about that…
Chapter One: EpiphanyIsabella Marie Swan lay wrapped in the perfect marble arms of her own personal demigod, Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. Not at all bothered by the unoriginality of this opening sentence, she sighed contentedly and wriggled around to face her travel-size deity. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder, which was actually quite adorable in a hamsterish sort of way. They lay that way for some time—Bella perfectly still, Edward enjoying the way the moonlight shimmered on her eyelashes.
Shimmer, shimmer, shimmer. Edward was quite distracted from any train of thought that might have left his metaphorical mind-station. Which is why he was quite surprised when those eyelashes (lids) fluttered open.
"Hey Edward?" Bella muttered sleepily.
"Hmm?" Edward acknowledged, able to act calm and unruffled even when taken by surprise.
"You've read the Harry Potter books, right?" Edward looked rather taken aback. Bella never talked about this kind of thing. All she ever read was Jane Austen and stuff. And while I have to admit that Pride and Prejudice is pretty awesome, Harry Potter rules the (non-Twilight) world, and this sentence no longer pertains to the story…
"Yes, of course! I've read every book ever. I'm too amazing not to have. Besides, I never sleep—what else did I have to do, before you came along?" Bella sat up.
"So…is that what vampires do at night?" Edward smirked.
"Not a chance. A guy's got to have some secrets." Bella leaned back and sighed.
"You could drive a person crazy," she sang in a surprisingly high and girly voice, "you could drive a person mad…"
Edward chuckled in that maddeningly patronizing way that no one else ever seems to notice. "Why do you ask?"
"I don't know," Bella replied, "I've just always kinda wondered…I mean, centuries to kill, days twice as long…there's got to be something that keeps you occupied…"
"No, not that," he explained, "I mean about Harry Potter."
"Oh. That. Well, I was just wondering…"
"Yes?"
"Well, I've always been a great Harry Potter fan, and I was wondering…"
"Yes?" Edward is not redundant. Edward does not repeat himself many times over and over frequently with increasing abundancy copiously.
"You know how nobody is supposed to be able to find the Hogwarts castle?"
"Yes." Edward is not redundant. Edward does not repeat himself many times over and over frequently with increasing abundancy copiously.
"Caius…he has the power to find anybody, right?"
"Yes." Edward is not redundant. Edward does not repeat himself many times over and over frequently with increasing abundancy copiously pineapple.
"Well…if he were to, say…try and find Harry Potter…that would lead us straight to Hogwarts, wouldn't it?"
"Bella," Edward muttered, "You. Are. BRILLIANT! And for some reason, I have chosen your craziest scheme to not go overprotective and possessive about! Let's form an alliance with the Volturi and go to Hogwarts!"
"Yay!" Bella cried.
"We'll get straight to it tomorrow. But for now, go to sleep. You have a long, long road trip ahead of you."
"Bed? Bed? I couldn't go to bed!
My head's too light to lay my body down!
Sleep? Sleep? I couldn't go to sleep!
Not for all the jewels in the…road trip?"
"Yes," Edward replied, "Road trip. We'll have to go to Italy to convince Caius to find Hogwarts for us. And then we'll have to lay some ground rules for Aro, so he doesn't completely rearrange the Wizarding world with his flamboyancy."
"Oh. I didn't know there were roads that went across the Atlantic Ocean."
"Anything is possible if you just believe."
"Oh. Okay. 'Night."
………………………………………………………………………………………………
"Alice," said Bella, "get up. We're going to Italy to convince the Volturi to take us to Hogwarts."
"Awesome!" Alice sprang up from the couch, rebounded back down, sprang up again, ran around the room, and (while we're being OOC/cliché) ran to the nearest mall and bought a pair of shoes. "Jazzy," she yelled, "get down here! We're going to Italy to convince the Volturi to give a hog warts!"
"No," Edward corrected, "to take us to Hogwarts."
"Oh," said Alice. She contemplated this for a moment. "Ah well, same thing. Both would be impossible without magic. JAZZY!"
Jasper appeared.
"When is a hog not a hog?" he asked them.
"I don't know," Bella humored him "when is a hog not a hog?"
"When it has warts!" Jasper cracked up. The others stared at him. Then, Alice, pitying her poor husband, started laughing along with him. Then, out of politeness, Bella joined in. Then Edward joined in with Bella, because he's just chivalrous like that. Then Carlisle came downstairs.
"What's the
story, morning glory?
What's the word, hummingbird?" he sang in a surprisingly convincing falsetto.
"We're going on a trip," Alice informed him.
"A trip?"
"A trip."
"A trip?"
"A trip."
"Oh! A trip!"
"Yes. We're going to the wart of the hog to find the Volturi magic school."
"Oh!" Jasper exclaimed, "So THAT'S what's going on!"
"Pretty much," said Bella.
"Are you coming?" Alice asked Carlisle. She was bouncing.
"To Volterra, then to Hogwarts, right?"
"Yup!" She was bouncing faster now…
"Well," Carlisle looked thoughtful, "There are a few things to work out with Aro…and Dumbledore and I could always do with a chat…Okay! I'll go!"
"Yaaayyy!" Alice bounced. "ComeonBella. Timetopack!"
"Pack?" Bella looked confused.
"Yes. We can't go on a supernatural tour of the world without the right clothes!" Alice grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her up the stairs with…superhuman…speed…
When they got into the room, Alice immediately went to the closet, where she got out a rather small black bag and began throwing item after item of clothing into it. Bella watched for a while, then she finally said,
"Umm…Alice? Somehow I don't think all that stuff is going to fit…"
"Of course it is! This is a magic bag!"
"Really?"
"Yes, really! Anything can fit in it! I borrowed it from Mary Poppins."
"I didn't know she had a bag like that!"
"Of course she does. She's practically perfect in every way, you know." Alice finished emptying the contents of her closet into the bag, then dragged Bella to the ridiculously huge bathroom.
"Hey Alice?"
"Yeah?"
"Why are we in
here?" Alice rolled her eyes at Bella and gave her a disbelieving
look.
"We're going to Hogwarts," she explained, "you have
to look your best!" Bella surveyed the counter, which overflowed
with unnecessary and expensive beauty products.
"Why do you have all this stuff, anyway? In case you haven't noticed, Alice, you're already perfect."
"Hmmm…" said Alice, "How do I explain? Oh! I know!
When I have a brand new hair-do
And my eyelashes all in curl
I float as the clouds on air do
I enjoy being a girl
When men say I'm cute and funny
And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearls
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!" She finished singing and struck a pose, complete with jazz hands.
"Still," Bella muttered.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
Meanwhile, back in the living room…
"Hey Emmett!" Edward called.
"Yeah?" Emmett appeared at the bottom of the stairs.
"We're going to Volterra to make Caius find Hogwarts for us. Want to come?"
"Hogwarts? Hells yes!" For no particular reason, Emmett pumped a fist in the air.
"Good," said Carlisle, "it's settled then. Edward, Bella, Alice, Jasper, you and I will all go to Hogwarts."
"What about Esme and Rose?" Emmett asked.
"Esme, as always, has got a lot to do around the house," Carlisle explained, "And as for Rose…well, I suppose she could come…if you want…might cause poor Hermione some trouble, though…"
"HEY ROSE!" Emmett called, "WE'RE GOING TO HOGWARTS!"
Rosalie appeared at the bottom of the stairs, a slight breeze stirring her silky hair, the theme of "I'm Not That Girl" from Wicked playing behind her. "I'm in," she said.
"Excellent," Alice cheered, appearing in the room with an exhausted-looking Bella in tow. "Shall we go?"
"I'll miss you!" cried Esme, coming into the room from (for some weird reason) the kitchen.
"Ah, don't worry, Esme," said Emmett.
"Yeah, we'll be back in a heartbeat," added Edward with no trace of sarcasm.
"Well then…" Esme took a deep breath.
"Cheerio, but be back soon!
Tally-ho, but bring back plenty!
I love ya, that's why I
Say cheerio, not goodbye!" She finished her tap dance with a dramatic goodbye wave, standing in the doorway. The others were already in the driveway.
"Don't worry," Alice called, "We'll be back soon!"
"Yeah," Emmett said, "we'll be fine!"
"We're off to see the wizard," Bella elaborated,
"The wonderful wizard of Hogwarts!" Edward and Jasper joined in.
"We hear he is a wiz of a wiz if ever a hog had warts!" They linked elbows and skipped toward the car.
"If ever, oh ever, a hog had warts
Then Hogwarts is a magical place
Because, because, because, because, because…
Because of all the magic there!" The engine started. They got in and drove away. A chorus voiceover sang over the setting sun:
"They're off to see the wizard
The wonderful wizard of Hogwarts!"
A message was written in a flowy script over the blood-colored sky: "We are sorry for the inconvenience."
"Oh," said Esme to herself, "That's nice."
………………………………………………………………………………………………
Will Caius take them to Hogwarts? Will Edward's overprotective nature kick in? Will Mary Poppins ever ask for her bag back? Find out in the next chapter!
Any questions? Requests for songs? Feel the need to flame? Because really, I do love a good flame to make fun of! Regardless, tell me what ya think!