What Makes a Knight?
Knock Knock 7
Notes:
This is my first post in the Merlin fandom and I hope you enjoy. Feedback is most welcome and appreciated!
A huge thank you to AntiKryptonite who edited my horrible grammar-you're amazing!
Some dialogue is taken from 'The Coming of Arthur Parts 1+2 written by Jake Michie and Julian Jones and 'The Dragon's Call' by Julian Jones. No copyright infringement intended.
There's an idea forming in his mind, taking shape the more time passes. It is insane. Ridiculous. Against everything he has ever been taught. (It's not the first time he's thought treasonous things). But could he ever have the courage to act on them? Could he really put himself in this position to face his father's prejudice? If he ever sees him or Camelot again... No, you will see them again. (It sounds like Merlin's voice.)
Gwaine who traveled back with him and stayed all this time in a cave and an enemy-infested forest because he wouldn't leave them in their time of need. Elyan, whose home was Camelot but hadn't been for some time, stayed, letting Merlin and Gaius talk him down from acting rashly and rushing to the citadel to find his sister. Lancelot, who had come even though he was banished on pain of death just because Merlin had asked for his help. Percival, who Arthur doesn't know, only that he came for his friend and he isn't running away even now. Leon, his faithful Knight who refused to kneel to the usurper (Arthur shakes his head to clear the image of Morgana Pendragon sitting on the throne, his mind still reeling from the betrayal). Gaius, who may have been old but is still willing to fight for what is right, helping wherever he can. Guinevere, who had the chance to become something under her mistress's rule but instead chose to rescue who she could and run. Merlin.
They are risking everything for Arthur, for Camelot. He knows, deep inside, that some of these men have little cause to be loyal to the crown yet here they are, awaiting his decision.
They're really going to do this—go out there against an army that cannot die. With no army of their own, just the eight of them, no reinforcements, no real plan of attack. Against an immortal army. Against Morgause. Against Morgana... But still, they would go. All of them. Risking their lives for his cause.
All of Arthur's most loyal people (at least those still alive). They will probably all die in the process. This is ridiculous, he can't possibly send them into danger, he can't lose them! (None of them, not even Percival, whom he has known only for a few hours.)
Arthur feels panic rise up within him and he has a sudden desire to run and hide. Then Merlin is there handing him some water, his eyes dark with that ridiculous loyalty that has led them here in the first place. Arthur is shaken from his hopeless thoughts when Merlin quips at him to stop staring at them all like a lovesick girl. He rolls his eyes and replies with something equally inane. (Arthur can never say it, but he's grateful for the distraction.)
The idea continues to roll around and around (he's had it ever since he was dragged out of his depression by words of wisdom and a bowl of rat meat). He knows (though he still has doubts) that he will act on it. He has to reward those he can while he still has a chance.
Arthur knows that he cannot reward them all, not while he is on the run and has no castle to call his own. But he can do something for some of them.
Leon, of course, is already a Knight and if—when they win, Arthur will find something to express his gratitude, though it can never be enough to repay the loyalty the knight has shown.
And Gaius already has a position of power, but Arthur will find what it is that he has always wanted and he will find a way to give it to him.
Guinevere he cannot knight, but he has hopes of giving her something much more solid (a ring and his name, if she'll have him).
But Gwaine, Elyan, Lancelot, and Percival...Arthur can give them knighthoods. He knows that if they lose (they won't!) the Knights of Camelot will be just another legend, but right here and now, it stands for something. If they lose, Arthur will never be able to give them anything. But this, this he can do with his sword and his title, it is within his right to knight whom he chooses (though his father will never see it like that, of course).
They're peasant born, the council may never accept them, they don't know the first thing about how to act in court but they're worthy (and Arthur believes this with his whole heart they are just as worthy as Leon).
But if (when) Arthur follows through on this mad scheme, he would have to also knight Merlin as well. (The thought takes the breath out of his lungs and he's desperate to keep Merlin hidden and safe back in the cave.)
Arthur cannot knight Merlin.
It's not because he's a peasant, of course, Arthur has long ago stopped caring about that status. And it's not because Merlin is a man without a father and no name and bastards don't become knights (but neither do peasants, yet Arthur is willing to overlook that).
And it's not that Merlin isn't brave enough to be a knight (no matter how many jokes Arthur makes to the contrary). For Camelot's sake, they were only here because of Merlin's bravery! Merlin who had faced dragons, afancs, and armies of bandits, and Anhora, and...well, he's faced a lot with Arthur.
And yes, sometimes, Merlin did hide under trees or tables but not often enough and certainly not when someone is in trouble.
Besides, Merlin proved his courage even before Arthur knew his name. Facing a bully—and a noble one at that and all for someone else. That took courage.
Merlin is, perhaps, the bravest of them all.
So...why could Arthur not even stomach the thought of knighting him?
Merlin deserved it! For every action, word, and incentive that he had given them all, that's why they were all here instead of rotting away in the dungeons of Camelot or dead. But...but what? Merlin deserved the recognition. The reward. The quirks of a knighthood (when they took back the kingdom).
Why shouldn't Arthur give it to him?
He looks out over these brave people: Gaius and Gwen are conversing quietly as they walk; Gwaine is entertaining Leon, Lancelot, and Elyan with some tale that he assures them is completely true; and Merlin is chatting away with Percival. His servant says something and the quiet giant throws back his head and laughs.
That's what Merlin does: he breaks the monotony of war, tears down the walls of fear and doubt, makes you remember what you were fighting for in the first place.
Arthur shakes himself, how can he deny Merlin any recognition? Merlin has proven himself time and again loyal to Camelot and willing to lay down his life for Arthur.
And...and therein lies the problem.
Merlin is loyal to Camelot, willing to fight for her, willing to follow Uther as king, willing to battle with the best of them with no armor or sword.
But Merlin did not ride out to face a dragon for Camelot, did not follow Arthur to the Perilous Lands for Uther, did not willingly swallow poison for his kingdom. Merlin is first and foremost loyal to Arthur. He has (and will again) put Arthur's needs before Camelot's, before Uther's, before even his own.
If Arthur is to knight Merlin, the servant will have to swear fealty to Camelot first. He will have to ride out on patrols without Arthur there to protect him. (It's not that Merlin can't defend himself—he may not have been an expert swordsman but Arthur has trained with him enough to have taught him enough to survive. Besides...there were times when Merlin seemed distracted from training, his eyes dark and serious, his mind obviously elsewhere. And those times, Arthur found himself actually sparring with Merlin, fighting to land a blow, to block Merlin's quick sword, fighting to win. Those times always scared Arthur, not that he would ever admit that to his servant. Then Merlin would come back from wherever he had been and he would trip over his own feet and Arthur would end the fight easily and quickly like it was supposed to be, before the darkness could return. Yes, there were reasons Merlin only trained with him.)
Merlin would be loaded with armor and shield and he would have to learn to control his tongue and hold back his ramblings. He'd have to be on guard duty—guarding possibly dangerous prisoners. Guarding sorcerers. He'd be sent out for tax collections and hunting trips, and patrol duty, and reconnaissance, and... He would be on the forefront of war all the time.
How can Arthur send him into that?
Sure, Merlin does all those things with Arthur but the prince was there to look out for him, to protect him from the overbearing lords who don't like it when servants talked back, to keep him from falling headfirst over a cliff, to distract him from the horrors of battle. But Arthur couldn't do any of those things if Merlin were a knight.
Arthur laughs when he realizes that normally in these situations, he would ask his servant for advice (Merlin really does display that uncanny wisdom when the prince needs it the most). But he can't very well do that now, could he?
He tries to imagine what Merlin would say (he's sure he can't because Merlin is always surprising him). Perhaps he would say...well, he would probably laugh and say something like, "Who would want to be a knight anyway? They're all thick." Then he'd laugh again and Arthur would punch him good-naturedly in the arm.
But what if Merlin would look at him in disappointment and say, "How can I serve you, Arthur, when you are so selfish?" What if Merlin wants to be a knight like Lancelot and Gwaine and Arthur is keeping him from it? What if Merlin gave up on Arthur (Arthur doesn't think that on top of all the other betrayals he could handle that one)?
But therein lay another problem: if Merlin were to become a knight (no!) then he could no longer attend to Arthur.
Who would drag him out of bed when Arthur can't find the incentive to leave his warm covers? (George? Ha! George wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.) Who would write Arthur's speeches, cover with his father, who would Arthur discuss his feelings with? Who would give Arthur unwanted (but so needed) advice? Who would call him names and remind him that he is a man behind the title?
Arthur cannot lose what he has with Merlin (friendship, he knows, even if he doesn't say it).
But how can Arthur knight the others and leave Merlin out?
How can Arthur knight Merlin and lose him?
It is not a coincidence that Arthur leads them to the castle of the ancient kings.
When Arthur sees the table he has heard so many stories of, he calls them all over. They come without hesitation (though why they follow him, he does not know). He seats Guinevere on his left (where a Queen would sit, the arrangement is purposeful). As to his right side (where his adviser would be seated) Arthur doesn't have to leave a space as it's naturally given to Merlin. Arthur wouldn't have it any other way.
He says words that come naturally to him, from the heart but for once he has no trouble saying them, looking at each of them, praying they believe in his sincerity. And in the end, he offers them a choice; they have no reason to fight with him tomorrow, but he never doubts for a moment that they will follow him.
They swear fealty to him, not to Camelot and not to Uther, but to Arthur, and it scares him how willing they are to die for him. He loves them for it regardless of station or how long he has known them. He will be honored to fight with them at his side.
It's ironic that Merlin is the last to stay sitting; Arthur expected him to be the first to stand but he isn't, letting the others show their devotion. (It's somehow fitting.)
Still, when the servant seems quite content to simply sit there, Arthur can't help but feel a bit of dread—what if Merlin doesn't want to fight this battle? It's foolish to doubt but how many others have betrayed him? (There's a part of him that wants to never let another person close to him so that he can't be hurt...but there's Gwen smiling at him shyly and Gaius nodding bravely and these other men willing to risk everything for him and Merlin looks at him in pride, and Arthur knows he can't do that).
"Merlin?" he asks finally, impatience clear in his voice.
"No, don't really fancy it," Merlin replies but his eyes are bright with pride and loyalty, and his smile is so sure that Arthur can only be grateful (for the moment of levity, of banter, a reminder of how things should be and will be when they win).
"You don't have a choice, Merlin," he says but it's not true. Merlin has and always will have a choice. (Whatever he chooses, no matter how hard, Arthur will stand by him.)
"Okay," Merlin replies easily, laughing. Then he stands up and Arthur looks at him (the unspoken question clear in his eyes) and Merlin nods.
The circle is complete. The way it should be. (Arthur never wants to lose this moment).
"I want to thank you all for staying loyal to me in Camelot's hour of need." Arthur, for all his earlier doubts, does not hesitate. "I'll do something that my father won't approve of."
He knights them. (It feels right and honorable.)
Sir Lancelot. Sir Gwaine. Sir Percival. Sir Elyan. (Arthur almost falters and calls Merlin to kneel next to them but with a selfish need for Merlin to be safe, to stay purely Arthur's, he doesn't.)
The men are grinning, excited despite the very real danger. Guinevere looks at him in approval, her eyes dark with what he can only hope is love. Gaius is smiling, congratulating them. Leon (who knows the rules as well as Arthur) merely nods once at him and then offers his hand to Elyan.
Merlin grins and hugs each of them—already forgetting his servant's place (it makes Arthur glad). To Arthur, Merlin nods proudly, his eyes filled with what is unmistakably pride.
It's enough.
But as they begin to ready for sleep, the doubt creeps in again.
So when Merlin begins to settle down next to Arthur (as he always does), Arthur is suddenly afraid. They'll talk and...Merlin might be upset (it's not logical but he can still see Morgana smirking at his—their father as she sits on the throne and logic flees him).
"Not there, Merlin," he snaps hastily. Merlin looks at him in surprise and confusion. "You should be with your friends."
If anything, Merlin looks even more confused. "Arthur?" he begins, but the prince stops him before he can continue.
"Merlin..." He gentles his tone to something calmer. "Just...I think Lancelot wanted to talk with you."
Merlin glances over his shoulder then back at Arthur. He nods. "Of course, Sire." But his voice is soft and his eyes look hurt.
Arthur sighs in frustration, he didn't mean to hurt Merlin. But his servant settles down next to Lancelot with a smile and Lancelot greets him happily (even if he does shoot a curious glance at Arthur).
It feels wrong not to have Merlin by him. It's odd—Arthur has always been separate from his knights and the other lords any time they made camp. There's always been a space between him and them. He doesn't remember but he thinks it's mutual. Respect from the others and a desperate desire not to show weakness on his. Then Merlin came. On their first overnight stay, Merlin plopped himself down next to Arthur as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Arthur had been too shocked to put him in his place and order him elsewhere. By the time he came to his senses, Merlin had already dropped off to sleep. He'd looked oddly vulnerable. Arthur had left him. (He imagines how different his life would be if he had woken him up and ordered him away.) After that...Well, Arthur didn't know why he had let it continue, but he did. And now it was natural, the prince and his servant on one side of the fire, the others on their side.
Arthur remembers not having Merlin's steady breathing to listen to, but it's hard to remember being happy about being left alone (even when Merlin is being his most annoying).
Arthur finds that now he can't sleep; it's ridiculous but what can he do? So he's wide awake as he hears Merlin quietly exclaim, "You're a Knight now! At last." He sounds so happy, so proud, that Arthur can't help but smile in the darkness.
Arthur only catches flashes of their conversation (he's not trying to listen, but there's nothing to distract him).
He hears Lancelot exclaim and move restlessly and whisper something too low for Arthur to make out. He sees Merlin look around carefully and then whisper something thing even softer. It's a plan (Arthur has no doubt), he's heard Merlin come up with enough of them to recognize his tone (it's what they would be doing now if Arthur hadn't sent him away). He suddenly, desperately wants to take back those words, he wants to be the one whispering secrets to his servant, but it's too late now.
There's a silence, a deep profound silence then, and Arthur wonders what was said to make it so pressing. But when Lancelot's voice breaks it, Arthur hears every word clearly. "You know, Merlin, you're the one Arthur should knight. You're the bravest of us all and he doesn't even know it."
The words echo in his head, 'round and 'round. He wants to scream, "I do know, I know it so much and that's why I can't possibly bear to lose him. I do know and I care!" But he's frozen and he says not a word.
Arthur doesn't need to look at Merlin to know what his reaction is: brow slightly furrowed, eyes crinkled in confusion, smiling slightly. Merlin never does know what to do with a compliment. If Merlin says something in response, the prince misses it while lost in his own thoughts.
Arthur doesn't sleep that night, turning over plans for the next day (and those words still echo in his head).
Arthur avoids Merlin (his logic abandoning him again). It's not easy, even though the kingdom is overtaken, and in the presence of friends, Merlin still serves him. Helps him with his armor, readjusts the straps, gives him food and water (for being such a 'bad servant,' he sure does his job when Arthur wishes that he would shirk off).
Still, Arthur doesn't talk. Not that he has to—Merlin talks enough for him. He talks about nothing important interspersed with reassurances that they will win, that Arthur is doing a good job, (it shouldn't be, but it's a comfort all the same).
When they plan, Arthur sees the look pass between Lancelot and Merlin; he's still surprised when Merlin volunteers to lead Lancelot through the castle. Merlin is normally glued to Arthur's side in these situations (and how messed up are their lives that this is normal for them?). Then Arthur remembers whispered plans in the dark and Lancelot's words that still hurt. (Merlin looks at him all trusting and believing.) And Arthur can only nod and agree.
He trusts Merlin.
He trusts Lancelot too, but not with his whole kingdom and his father's life at risk. But he does trust Lancelot to keep Merlin safe and Arthur trusts Merlin to have a plan.
It's still hard to watch them leave together...
The battle is over (victory is theirs but at such a cost), but there's still so much to be done. His father...his father is (broken, but no, Uther could never be, never!) not well. Barely there, almost catatonic, barely registering anything or anyone, his nights cursed by nightmares of what Morgana (and Arthur's heart still aches for what has happened) did to him. But at least Uther still lived.
The councilors were suggesting that he step in as regent, he has no desire to take the throne but what else can he do? The kingdom still needs a ruler and it can't wait forever.
The citadel needs repairing (especially where Morgana tore down the walls in her grief), the lower town needs rebuilt, food needs to be distributed, the kingdom needs reassured of who their sovereign is, and there are dead to be buried (so many, Arthur wants to scream at the sheer number of lives that have been taken, but he has to be strong now, so he doesn't).
But his knights are there, not unharmed but alive. There are more of his people alive than he had imagined (hoped for, yes, but he witnessed the massacres and been uncertain if any would be allowed to live).
Guinevere smiles at him in public, he holds her hand and kisses her for all the world to see (it feels right).
And Merlin is still there, believing in him. He has been proven right again: against all the odds, they have won.
But Arthur still hears those words (You know, Merlin, you're the one Arthur should knight. You're the bravest of us all and he doesn't even know it) and is troubled by them.
There's a part of him that wishes he could have heard what Merlin said (the other part fears it), though he thinks it would have made little difference. Merlin doesn't know his own worth, doesn't recognize his own bravery, doesn't realize that he is different because he naturally does the right thing. But he heard nothing and there's a part of Arthur that fears what was or wasn't said.
It's plaguing him (though it is the least of his problems), so it is several days after their victory that Arthur makes his way to Gaius' chambers.
Gaius isn't there, of course, he's in the sickroom, tending to all the wounded. Nor is Merlin present. Arthur supposes that he isn't surprised, not really. When Merlin isn't attending him, the servant can be found helping the physicians or in the lower town or the other servants. (Arthur isn't sure why he even came here first but it would have been simpler, wouldn't it? A dream of pleasant times when Arthur would burst in and yell at Merlin for being lazy again. And Merlin would look at him all wide-eyed and innocent and say something so insubordinate he should be thrown into the dungeons. But Arthur will smile and drag him out to work instead.)
But Merlin isn't there, the chambers are dark and the fire has long since gone cold.
It bothers Arthur that this is what will greet Merlin when he returns.
The prince shakes his head and decides he'll go and find his wayward servant, but without thought, he goes to the fire and starts it (he does actually know how to take care of himself).
He watches the fire burst into life, bringing with it warmth and the promise of safety, and wonders absently how his life has come to this, starting a fire for his own servant! He thinks back to that first meeting (so long ago), the first words out of Merlin's mouth (Hey, come on then, that's enough. You've had your fun, my friend.), it didn't matter to him that Merlin hadn't known he was heir to the throne, he had known he was nobility and yet he had stood up to him for that servant (a stranger) all the same. More than that, Merlin had called him friend (nobody had ever dared to do that before).
One meeting had changed the course of his life.
Arthur thinks back over sorcery, assassination attempts, conversations about feelings, and poisoned servants, and terrifying monsters and...
And Arthur would do it all over again. The heartbreaks and the injuries and the near-death experiences.
He is here with peasant-born knights who followed him out of loyalty not duty, with a woman who loved him as a man and not a title, he is a better man who cares for his people and will do anything for them. And all because of a servant who dared to defy social classes and called Arthur friend.
It's later, far later than Arthur had intended. He had informed one of the passing guards where he'd be in case of emergency but fortunately nothing came up. The sun had set hours ago but still Arthur stays, watching the fire (he sent another guard to replenish the firewood, their stock was dangerously low). He thinks he should leave, there's so much to do, but he stays and waits. It's almost peaceful.
Right up until the door creaks open and Merlin literally stumbles into the room. Arthur smiles at his servant's typical clumsiness, but it disappears immediately when he realizes that something is wrong with Merlin. Merlin's back is to him; he's clinging to the door frame as if it alone is keeping him upright, his body trembling with exhaustion. He looks like he might just fall apart at the seams.
Arthur stands, opens his mouth to say something, when there are footsteps and Merlin straightens instinctively, the exhaustion hidden away.
"Finally calling it a night, Merlin?" Arthur recognizes Thomas's voice, one of the guards who prefers the darkness and silence of night.
"At least for a little bit," Merlin says easily. "How're Sara and Rosie doing?"
"Ah, they're doing alright. Rosie's ready to get out of bed already but I think Sara is enjoying not having to do much," Thomas replies, a smile in his voice.
"Good, I'm glad you're all okay."
"And you as well," Thomas replies warmly. "Get some rest, Merlin, you deserve it." (Arthur's stomach clenches).
"Thanks, good night, Thomas." Merlin waves cheerily, the smile clear in his voice. Gone is the exhaustion and trembling, as if it had never been. Merlin closes the door and lets out a small sigh.
Arthur seizes his chance so it won't look like he's eavesdropping. "Merlin?"
"Arthur?" he yelps in a strangled voice. At any other time Arthur might have been amused at Merlin as he jumps in startlement, turning around, managing to bang his shoulder against the door in the process, but this time he's just concerned.
Arthur puts his hands up (though he has no idea why, Merlin doesn't need to be placated). "Yes, you idiot, were you expecting someone else? Because you sure stumbled in here late enough."
"Well, Sire, I wasn't expecting anyone. Let alone the esteemed Crown Prince of Camelot." Merlin's voice drips with sarcasm and Arthur can't help but grin.
Then he takes in the state of his servant: Merlin stands straight but Arthur can see his body trembling from exhaustion, there are dark bruises under his eyes, and his skin is as pale as a corpse (no, never that!) The cuts from the battle stand out against his pallor. But his eyes are bright. (Arthur thinks that Merlin looks both like he is about to drop from exhaustion and ready to fight another immortal army at the same time.)
"My word, Merlin, when was the last time you slept?"
Merlin frowns at him as if he's the one who looked half-dead, "When did you? And how long have you been here—I went to your chambers to serve you but were you there? No! Nowhere to be found! But, apparently, you were here waiting to scare me half out of my skin!" Merlin rants (it feels good to listen to him complain, to remind Arthur that Merlin is as flesh and blood as he is), then without pausing he says, "Why is the room so warm?" He finally looks around and sees the fire. "Why did you start a fire?"
Because I wasn't going to wait forever to talk to you in a cold and dark room, the words are on the tip of his tongue but he can't quite get them out. Instead he starts, "I just...the room was freezing when I came in, I didn't...want you—or Gaius, of course, to..." (Arthur really doesn't know why it's so hard to tell the truth.)
"You didn't want us to come back to a cold, dark, and empty room?" Merlin finishes (Arthur marvels again at how easily he articulates feelings, that's one skill Arthur has never been able to master). Arthur fidgets under Merlin's gaze (he can't place the look in his eyes) before Merlin grins. "Thank you, Arthur. That was very thoughtful of you."
"Don't get used to it," Arthur growls.
"Of course not, I'm not that much of an idiot."
"Well, you're still an idiot. And don't you forget it," Arthur declares in a regal tone, "Are you just going to stand there all night?"
Merlin steps into the room, stumbling slightly (the prince doesn't think it's because of his clumsiness).
"What were you doing all this time?"
Merlin pours some water and begins to heat it over the fire. "I was with Gaius for a bit, but then we needed more herbs so I had to go collect them, and then back to Gaius again. Then Maria and R—oh wait, no first, I was with Diggory. Then I went to check on the King." Arthur stills for a moment, though he doesn't know why, Merlin has always been compassionate. "And...oh, I don't know, I was lots of places." Merlin shrugs as if this were an everyday occurrence and he can't be expected to remember all that he does.
"You do this every night?" Arthur asks, his voice soft. He's not surprised, he had known after all, but...when does Merlin even have time to eat or sleep or just take a breath?
It scares Arthur because Merlin did all of this (and so much more) on top of everything that he does for Arthur (serving him, uplifting him, cheering him up, helping with the reports, advising him, keeping him fed, keeping him sane in a world suddenly turned upside down).
This is the man that Arthur had refused a knighthood.
"Merlin—"
"Arthur, you're doing really well," Merlin starts at the same time; Arthur snaps his mouth shut and stares uncertainly at the man before him. "I know I'm just you're servant, but...I'm proud of you, Sire." Merlin has that look again, the one that screams of pride for Arthur (never himself). "What you did at the Round Table, that's...that's important and you shouldn't forget that. That was all you. And that was good."
Arthur feels a bit sick, he came to talk to Merlin about the servant, not himself.
"And you're doing a great job as regent. When the King feels better, he'll be proud of you too, I'm sure of it." (When, Arthur notices, not if. Does Merlin even know the word exists?)
"How can you be so certain?"
Merlin pauses and shrugs, a small smile on his face. "I just have a good feeling." (It's not an answer but Arthur doesn't mind too much, Merlin's feelings are normally right, not that Arthur will ever tell him that). "Besides, you won! You won, Arthur!"
"We won, Merlin."
"Yeah, but only because you led us!" Merlin grins and his eyes are sparkling, and Arthur can't take it anymore.
"Merlin, just stop," he says suddenly. He can't listen to anymore, he has to say what he came here for. (He doesn't deserve this loyalty.)
Merlin frowns again, but he does stop talking (for once). He pours some water in two cups and putters around adding herbs. Then he hands Arthur a cup and finally sits down near the fire; he can't quite hide a sigh of relief; the cup trembles in his hands. "What is it, Arthur?"
Arthur sighs and begins to pace while Merlin waits patiently. Finally Arthur sits in the chair again but stands immediately—that puts him too far above Merlin. He slides down in front of his servant on the ground, facing him as an equal.
"Merlin, I just wanted to say..." He can't quite say it though and it frustrates him, why can't he say what he needs to? Why can't he give Merlin the recognition he deserves? "Merlin, we only won the battle because of you."
"Aw, come on, Arthur," Merlin laughs, "be serious."
"I am, Merlin. You...you got me out of the citadel in the first place—I was all set on attacking them in the throne room but you got us out... You pulled me from my depression in the cave, you kept us going when it seemed that all was lost, you... It's just that we are all here because of you."
"You would have won without me, Arthur," Merlin says so softly Arthur almost doesn't hear him (he doubts the truth of that statement).
"Maybe." (Never.) "Maybe not. But we did it—all of us and that includes clumsy man servants who never do as they're told." There's a pause and suddenly Arthur can't take it anymore. "Are you really okay, Merlin, with...everything?"
Merlin stills, a look of confusion crossing his face. "With what? Winning, yeah, of course, I am."
"There were eight of us at that table, Merlin. Seven of us have each gotten recognition in their part in the battle. You're the only one who hasn't."
"What are you on about, Arthur?" Merlin asks, his eyes dark with uncertainty. "It's not like you could give me a knighthood and Gaius did way more than me and o—"
"I thought about it actually," Arthur confesses, the words rushing out into the open air.
"About what?"
"Knighting you." There, Arthur has finally said it. He waits, with baited breath, for Merlin's reaction.
Merlin bursts into laughter. "I thought you were being serious? Me as a Knight—imagine the chaos I could cause on the training fields!" Merlin is bent over double, laughing at the notion.
Arthur should be grateful but Merlin seems so sure that this is all a joke and it is anything but. "Stop laughing, you idiot," he snaps. "I am being serious." Merlin does contain himself, turning amused eyes to Arthur. "You would make a good Knight, I think, and yeah, you would cause all sorts of trouble but...I think you could do it." A pause then Arthur has to say the words that have been causing him so much trouble. "You're brave enough to be one."
Merlin starts back, his eyes wide. "Arthur—"
"You are, Merlin. Who else would ever have been stupid enough to face a dragon with me? Travel, against my orders, to the Perilous Lands for me? Attack two witches with nothing but a sword?" (Arthur's heart still clenches painfully just thinking about how foolish Merlin and Lancelot were.) "Merlin, you're..." the bravest man I've ever known. "Incredibly brave and even more stupid than I give you credit for."
"The last one definitely sounds like me," Merlin chuckles, he fidgets uncomfortably (Arthur feels slightly vindictive turning the tables on his servant).
"Merlin, thank you." He holds Merlin's gaze for a moment then to break the silence, he asks, "What would you want, if I were to...you know...publicly recognize you?" If only I were brave enough.
"I wouldn't have a clue," Merlin answers and Arthur would be annoyed if he couldn't see the truth in Merlin's eyes.
"A Knighthood?" Arthur ventures (he has to be sure, even if he can't bear the thought of losing his friend).
"A Knighthood? You're serious?" Merlin looks at him in consternation. Arthur waits while Merlin seems to think it over. "On the plus side, I wouldn't have to wash your socks and muck out your stables and polish your boots and—"
"I'm sure I could arrange an exception for you," Arthur replies dryly.
Merlin grins over at him. "Nah. On the other hand, I would have to sit through boring reports and a ton, and I do mean a ton, of practice sessions and...Why would I want to be knight anyway—they're all thick."
It's enough, all Arthur needed to hear. Merlin doesn't hate him. It didn't even cross his mind that he hadn't been recognized. He doesn't mind not being publicly hailed as a hero. And more importantly, he isn't going anywhere. (Arthur relaxes for the first time in weeks.)
"I'm a Knight!" he says indignantly, happily.
"Well, that says it all, doesn't it?" Merlin replies and easily ducks Arthur's gentle slap. Then more seriously he says, "No, I'm happy to be your servant, I don't need anything else."
Arthur looks at him; poor, half -starved (no matter how much they fed him) overworked, under-appreciated, yet still, somehow, content.
Merlin may not need anything but surely he wants something and Arthur will figure it out. And he will give it to him.
In the meantime... "Maybe, a day or two off from serving me, get some sleep."
Merlin just looks at him and Arthur can even guess why—as if Merlin would sleep the day away, he'll be out there helping wherever he can.
"As nice as that sounds...who's going to drag you out of bed? George?" Merlin sounds offended at the very idea.
"George is a perfect servant."
"He won't drag you out of bed though, will he?"
"No, that's why he's perfect." It sounds perfectly logical to Arthur.
"Who will drag you out of training sessions to go to council meetings? Who would stop you from choking Lord Elridge during said council meetings?" Merlin continues in mock outrage but his eyes are laughing. "Who would write your speeches for you?"
"I said two days, Merlin, not an entire week!" Arthur defends, his heart easing with every passing moment.
"Hmm..." Merlin mockingly contemplates. "No, thanks though. Once things have settled down, I'll be happy to have them then."
"This isn't a negotiation, Merlin!" Arthur snaps, but he's laughing now too. (It doesn't matter what he says, Merlin will be there in the morning, Arthur knows.)
"But I thought I was brave and deserved something special?"
"Whatever gave you that idea, you complete idiot?"
Merlin throws back his head and laughs (genuinely, freely). "You're a prat, you know?"
"Yeah, but at least, I'm not an idiot," Arthur replies readily.
"At least, I'm not a dollap-head."
This is enough for Arthur (he's happy), and it's all that he wants at the moment.
There will still be damage and death and a billion things to take care of, but for this one moment, Arthur just relaxes and lets all the masks and titles and responsibilities drop. Lets himself be Arthur as he laughs with his best friend.