= Tribute=

Remus Lupin was… astonished, to say the least, as he stared almost blankly at the huge black dog that stood outside his door. He let the dog in, almost subconsciously, habits that he purposely changed for thirteen years unconsciously returning to him.

He watched silently as the figure transformed, watched as the frame expanded into a man taller and larger than himself… memories inundated as the painfully familiar scene unfolded before him. He had seen this transformation millions of times, but none hurt him as much as it did now. He wanted it to stop! He wanted time to rewind so he didn't open the door to this black dog, so he never MET this black dog, so he never met the person who was this black dog, so the dog never existed…

Instead he just composed himself, forced himself to be calm as he faced the man who transformed from this dog, his best friend, Sirius Black. He gasped involuntarily. This, this was not the same Sirius he had known throughout the years, his Sirius had stars for eyes which danced and shimmered, this… this man in front of him had empty voids for pupils. His Sirius was a ball of flame while this Sirius was a cold despite the hot weather. His Sirius was strong, big, masculine… this Sirius was thin and weak, he swayed with the wind that blew in the door from the summer night. Then the heap of skin and bones collapsed. And Remus frantically caught him in his arms.

Normally Remus would have collapsed under Sirius's weight, but now, it felt as if all Sirius's bones were hollow and there was no flesh on him. The Dementors couldn't drain him mentally, so they seemed to drain him physically. Sirius's head rolled back onto Remus's shoulder, he muttered something almost incomprehensible and lost consciousness.

Remus could no longer control himself, tears rolled down his cheeks as he buried his face in Sirius's hair, and sobbed almost hysterically.

Sirius had said: "Home, at last."

******************

When Sirius woke up he was in a bed, in a soft bed as a matter of fact, a soft and comfortable and dry bed. He was not wearing that shabby old robe he wore for thirteen years in Azkaban; instead, he had on him something that smelt so familiar, something good that was sucked out of his mind within one week of staying with those wretched monsters. Sirius groaned, his entire body ached from a night of sitting on the back of a Hippogriff.

Light flooded the room and Sirius whimpered shying away from the light like it was some kind of venom. On instinct he tried to block out the blinding rays by holding his arms around his head, his body bent into a ball as he shuffled away from the light. Soon he ended up on the floor with a thud. Fear filled him from head to toe, he scooted further into the corner… detesting the light, hating it with a passion…

"Sirius! Are you alright?"

Sirius moaned. Fear overtaking him as he waited for the distress and anguish…his mind and body preparing itself to endure the pain that usually followed light. The brightness that had betrayed him too many times…somewhere in his mind he reached out blindly, trying to hold onto something….

Arms embraced him. Sirius looked up to see Remus's anxious face and those blue, blue irises. "Oh Sirius…"

Waves of relief washed over Sirius as he slowly controlled the fear in his heart, it didn't decrease, it didn't diminish, instead it stayed… like every memory that the Dementors hadn't sucked out of him. Not much, he thought bitterly. Sirius knew that the fear that had embedded in his mind due to the thirteen years of staying in that despairing pit wouldn't go away for a long time…or mightn't go away at all. Sirius relaxed in the warmth Remus bathed on him, never once in his life had he ever been so grateful of the werewolf.

Remus tightened his arms around his friend. He had watched Sirius's face while he slept for almost two hours, just sitting there and staring into the peace-deprived face of someone whom he had personally condemned to…certain hell. He couldn't comprehend how the sunken, frowning face that Sirius now possessed had once been the bright, handsome face Remus had known thirteen years ago. Remus, although it was difficult, knew he had to force himself to accept the fact that Sirius was no longer the flamboyant, gregarious guardian whom had stood in front of him for ten years and protected him from everything that threatened him… more than ten years…it felt as if Sirius had always been with him, even before they met on the train. Sirius had always been there for him, always been the shoulder he could lean on, bite on, cry on…

And he had betrayed that trust. It was he who had told Dumbledore that there was no need for a trial for the murderer; he had denied that he ever knew Sirius, and spat the venomous words, "I thought I knew him, I don't anymore."

For thirteen years he refused to believe otherwise, forcing his mind to accept the lie that he wove around himself to reassure himself, to shield himself from his own cowardliness, to blind himself from the truth. And… yet, it had been him Sirius turned to, it's his house that Sirius calls… home.

Remus felt the mask crack, felt his self reassurance crumble. He could no longer pretend that he didn't care, that it did not concern him… he felt blood trickling from where his nails had dug into his palm. He couldn't compose himself.

He was suddenly afraid of crushing Sirius. Remus wanted to laugh at the irony, James had often commented when they were younger that if Sirius squeezes Remus too tightly in one of his 'bonding hugs' Remus would be ground to 'moon dust.' Remus felt his body shiver as nostalgia saturated his thoughts. Sirius was all that he had now…

They stayed there for what seemed like forever. Until finally Remus whispered, "Would you like something to eat?"

Remus's house was small and simple, maybe a little too small and simple. One bedroom with bathroom attached, a kitchen, a lounge and a study was all that it contained. Sirius commented dryly that it could hardly be called a house at all. And Remus agreed, compared to the Potter's residence or Sirius's old house, this was little more than a miniature.

"It probably can't be counted as a house, but it certainly is home." Was it because of this sentence that Remus had not moved? Sirius did not know, but at least it took up his thoughts as he followed Remus into the kitchen, Remus had cleaned and shaved Sirius as if he was to Remus what a Quidditch trophy was to James. Sirius had joked lightly that Remus just couldn't wait to get his hands on him, but when Remus froze, the joke froze as well.

Now, as Sirius watched his friend making coffee, he was almost amused. Remus was doing everything with the utter most care and concentration, as if he was sitting a NEWT for it. But Sirius also noticed that Remus's hands shook slightly, making the coffee beans in the jar rattle, disturbing the thick veil of silence that had fallen around them ever since Sirius's joke.

Sirius clutched his head as a dull throbbing ache began. His feelings about Remus had not gotten any clearer than before he went to Azkaban, they were more jumbled up than ever. He didn't know how he related to Remus. Did he see Remus as a little brother, a loyal companion, or something else, something more… intense, something more like…?

"Here you go, your toast and coffee Sirius."

Sirius looked up searching for Remus's eyes, except Remus had turned and grabbed a mug of coffee for himself.

Throughout Sirius's eating, Remus stared at his mug of coffee like he'd never seen a coffee mug with coffee before. Sirius looked up as he took a bite, yet didn't register the taste; Remus was sitting just across the table, so close to him, yet so far. It seemed that the table that separated them was a barrier that they could never overcome - a barrier that they had built around themselves and between each other. Before he knew it, Sirius had reached out and – only for a moment - caressed Remus's cheek, feeling the slightly flushed cheek to establish the fact that this was real, that Remus was not a fabrication from within his mind. Sirius had to make sure that when he blinked, he was not left with nothing…nothing but the fleeting images he never managed to grasp and hold on to for more than an instant.

Remus shivered like he was being touched by a Dementor, his face, if possible, became even paler. Sirius suddenly felt that the toast he ate had blocked his oesophagus so that he had difficulty even breathing. Remus feared him… Remus, who had always been so faithful to him, who had always stood behind him, feared him.

For the first time in his life, Sirius felt lost. As if he didn't belong anywhere, including his own body.

"What did we do to deserve this?"

"I… Sirius, I'm sorry, you startled me…I don't… I mean…"

It took Sirius a while to realize that he had uttered his thoughts out loud. "No, no Remus, I meant, why? Why us? Why not the bad ones? Look at Lucius and Macnair and Snape, and then look at me, look at you…look at what happened to…" Sirius broke off abruptly but Remus knew he was going to say James and Lily. "… Harry," Sirius continued. "What did we do to deserve what happened to us?"

Remus was silent. He knew all too well why - they were too outstanding, too unique… too visible thus they became the target. "I don't know Sirius."

Sirius frowned, Remus was lying - he knew that – Remus couldn't lie in front of him. The lump in his chest expanded, Sirius felt as if he was suffocating. "Why, Remus, why after all these warnings which life had given us in order tried to teach us that we should never distrust our allies, we still don't trust each other? Why, after all these experiences that have shown us the importance of firm friendships, I feel more reproached from you than ever? Why, after so many deceits, do you still lie to me?"

"Sirius… I…"

"No don't apologise Remus. It's too late…"

If Remus lost anymore colour he'd be translucent.

"Remus, who are we? Are we Remus and Sirius anymore? Were Remus and Sirius intimate friends? Where Padfoot and Moony loyal companions? Weren't Black and Lupin reliable allies? Why do I feel like we're strangers now? Why does it feel like that I don't know you anymore?"

"I don't know Sirius."

"How could you not know?!" Sirius suddenly grabbed Remus's collar from across and pulled the werewolf towards him, Remus knocked over the coffee mug by accident, hot liquid spilled onto Remus's hands, but he didn't feel anything, his body had become numb with fear, with pain, with…

"Why don't you trust me after all this, after all this times, after all you've done to me and all I've done for you? Why did you change? Why aren't you the Remus I knew thirteen years ago? Why did you change? Where is the Remus I know? GIVE HIM BACK! What have you…?"

For a while Remus was confused why Sirius had stopped. Then when he touched his face he was stunned to find it wet, tears streaming all over his face, he tried to wipe his face dry, but the hand was caught and held between Sirius's own. Sirius had a look of utter abhorrence as he examined the hand that had started blistering as the pale skin turned a horrible shade of red and swelled.

"Oh god, what have I done?" Sirius muttered, more to himself than to Remus. He looked at the owner of the hand. Other than the occasional uncontrolled sob escaping from Remus's body that seemed to rack Remus's entire body, Remus was otherwise silent. Tears mingled with sweat, running freely down his face, leaving millions of trails on the otherwise pristine skin. He hadn't bothered to wipe them off his face, matter of fact, Remus didn't do anything about his awkward position… he was pulled so that he was half leaning on the table, his uninjured hand was clutching Sirius's who still held his collar tightly. His other hand had been pulled so that his arm was stretched awkwardly, making his shoulder look as if he had bent them.

Sirius didn't know what to do. He was worried that if he held on, Remus's discomfort would continue, but if he let go, Remus would collapse, or worse, he wouldn't collapse, he'd recompose himself and he'd be the distant, aloof man that Sirius didn't recognize as his friend. Remus's eyes, shimmering and slightly puffed up, refused to meet Sirius's gaze. Sirius could feel Remus's fear and nervousness because Remus was stiff, and for a moment Sirius felt frightened of himself. His hands relaxed and Remus slumped back into his chair. Sirius grabbed a handful of long black strands and pulled frustratedly.

"Sirius, I know how you feel," Remus spoke up for the first time, although his words were constantly disrupted by sobs. "I'm every part as confused as you are. I thought I could face you calmly Sirius; I thought we could go back to what we used to be. But…that won't happen, will it? Padfoot, too much happened…" he choked.

Sirius embraced the sobbing man, sometime while Remus was speaking he had reached Remus's chair. Remus gasped in pain as Sirius accidentally pressed his blistered hand into the arm of the chair and on instinct pushed him away.

Sirius was startled, staring at Remus disbelievingly. The pain in Sirius's eyes made them come alive, and for a moment Remus was lost in them, trying to hold onto that shadow of the old Sirius in those empty black pits. Only when Sirius seized his wrists was Remus pulled out of his thoughts. He raised his eyes, questioning Sirius with his eyes.

"You're hand will get infected if we don't do something about it." Sirius told Remus gently.

Remus nodded. He followed Sirius unresisting to the bedroom, though he did not stop crying silently. It seemed as if all the tears Remus had kept bottled up for thirteen years were finally released…

Sirius's questions stung, each bitter word burnt into him like acid, eating away his protective layer so that he felt naked and exposed. He stared at the mass of black hair bent over to examine his hand and suddenly felt a surge of detest. He hated this man for breaking his defence so easily and probably without realizing it either. Remus unconsciously touched his face with his uninjured hand; tears were still running down from his face, thought not as fierce as before. He didn't know how one man could affect him that much, how he could feel so strongly for Sirius yet hurt him so much…

Remus watched Sirius and all the scars that Sirius beared on his thin, shrunken body. Remus could feel all the pain radiating from him, each time Sirius was hurt, Remus had unconsciously stabbed at himself, except, Sirius's scars were visible, and some will heal. But Remus's wounds were invisible, and none of them healed at all during thirteen years. Remus had frozen himself, numbing his body and emotions, so that he could not feel the pain when Sirius pleaded with his eyes when Remus went to visit him in Azkaban. He didn't even cry at James and Lily's funeral. He thought that the layer of ice encasing him protected him, but it only deceived him, distorted truths and imprisoning his soul, desensitizing his emotions. But it had not been so; the ice was bound to melt one day, it was transient. And eventually it would melt off leaving Remus with nothing sheer terrible pain and wounds that have become mutilated and infected, stinging thousands of times worse than it would have thirteen years ago.

And Sirius was the fire to melt it, despite the fact that Sirius himself was covered of injuries himself.

Remus felt his entire body ached, inside as well as out. All the pain he had inflicted on Sirius, each wound he carved into Sirius's already tattered flesh, each cut, each abrasion, was now felt by Remus. And there was no one beside him, no one he could turn to in his anguish…

"Remus, did I hurt you?"

Remus snapped out of his revelations, instinctively, he embraced Sirius. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" he muttered under his breath, again and again. He didn't know how to express his feelings otherwise, he didn't know how to tell Sirius how strong his feelings were towards Sirius. Feelings that weren't sympathy and compassion, but a mutual pain and suffering, the aftermaths of been pulled apart and smashed to pieces too rapidly and too intensely. Remus was every bit broken and fractured as Sirius was.

Sirius felt the force of the emotions behind Remus's words. Remus wasn't just saying I'm sorry to him anymore; he was trying to tell Sirius so much more… things that could not be uttered because they were too terrible and too strong. Things that both destroyed and created their lives, things that no humans had found answers to, things… beyond all space and time, beyond all knowledge and logic… things, that are both of no importance and utter importance right now…

And Sirius understood…

He returned Remus's embrace, pushing Remus gently backwards so they were lying on the bed. Remus was sobbing in Sirius's shoulders, his face a teary mess, his lips still moved rapidly to form the words "I'm sorry" over and over again, but no sound came out, for Remus was out of breath. Tentatively, Sirius reached out and held Remus's face between his bony hands, forcing Remus to look up. He cautiously pressed his thumb against Remus's lips, causing them to stop moving. Slowly, Sirius leant down and replaced his thumb with his lips.

And everything became clear. All the frustration and confusion, all the hurt and anger and pain became nothing, eliminated and annihilated by the tender kiss and the love and devotion behind it. Everything made sense- fell in place like pieces of a puzzle, and slowly merged together, and slowly melted away until there was nothing, nothing in the world except for each other and the love they shared.

*********

Remus woke up as the rays of sunlight filtered through the curtains. He was alone in his bed and Sirius was nowhere to be found. He sat up suddenly, and looked around. His room looked exactly the same as it had before Sirius had arrived. Nothing seemed to have changed. He examined the house; there was nothing that hinted that Sirius had been there. A sense of unease filled Remus as he trudged back to his bedroom. As he turned to close the door, he saw the bandage on his hand.

Remus flopped down on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. The sheets on his bed smelt like Sirius and the smell filled his nostrils. Slowly, Remus curled up on the sheets and pressed his face into them, inhaling the remnants of Sirius. If he didn't, he was afraid that one day he'd forget about last night.

But he knew that he wouldn't, Sirius had engraved that night onto Remus's soul, and left the wound to bleed.

Remus clutched the sheets so tightly his knuckles became white, and his tears flowed once again, except this time, they were tinted red.

The End - 17/07/03

Edited- 8/10/03

EN notes: I'd like to thank my beta reader Nova Mist very much, this is a tribute to the death of Sirius and may he rest in peace… poor Remus… sobs. Why did Sirius have to die?

Anyway, please review, thank you.