Amelia slammed the door shut, releasing a frustrated groan as she stormed into the dark on-call room. She couldn't remember ever feeling so tired, both physically and mentally, and she felt like screaming at the top of her lungs.
She had lost a patient today, one that she was certain she could save. And now she was tired, and hungry, and angry at the universe. She felt like she was about to explode. She paced around the tiny room, ripping off her lab coat and kicking off her shoes, muttering furiously to herself.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard a quiet voice pipe up.
"Amelia..."
Her breathing became heavier with pent up frustration as she turned around, surprised to find a very worried Arizona Robbins sitting on one of the beds, her back propped up against the wall.
"Amelia," she said again, softly, cautiously, taking notice of the brunette's obvious distress. "Hey, hey... Breathe, okay? Breathe."
The neurosurgeon did as she was told, inhaling deeply before letting out a shaky breath. She met Arizona's concerned eyes and tried to calm herself.
"I'm sorry, I didn't see you there," she apologized timidly.
The blonde shook her head. "It's okay," she assured the other woman. She narrowed her eyes, noticing the other woman's flushed cheeks and clenched fists. "Wanna tell me what happened?"
Amelia was silent for a moment, as if pondering the question. She nodded, stepping closer to the other woman. Arizona patted the spot on the bed next to her, and the brunette sat down, taking another breath before speaking.
"I lost a patient. I know it's a stupid thing to get upset about... I know I should be used to it by now. I am used to it. It's just... I don't know. I thought I could save this one. I was sure of it. She was a kid, she'd just turned eighteen. She had her whole life ahead of her." She paused, gazing into her lap. "It's not like I've never lost a patient before. I've lost more patients than I can count. I've probably lost as many as I've saved. It's just that... sometimes I forget. I block it all out... the fact that these are actual human lives, that these are real people with friends and families, and hopes and dreams, people who should have more life to live. I forget all of it. I forget to feel."
The blonde took one of the other woman's hands in her own, giving it a light squeeze. Amelia turned her head to meet her eyes, and she leaned into her. She let Arizona comfort her, she allowed herself to feel the other woman's warmth. It felt good to be held. It felt good to feel safe, to feel protected. She felt like she wasn't alone. She closed her eyes, sighing as she rested her head on Arizona's shoulder.
"I know the feeling," the blonde replied, her voice gentle and honest. "I get it, too. We're surgeons. We've been trained to block it out. We learned to see patients as bodies, not as people. We learned to set our emotions aside. So when we do let ourselves feel, when we take down the wall we've been taught to build around ourselves... it hits us hard. It's shocking. It's infuriating. It sucks.
"So, I get it. It's not stupid, Amelia. It's normal. It's human. Don't ever think that your feelings are invalid just because you're supposed to be 'used to it.' Don't think too hard about it. And when you feel like breaking, when it becomes too much for you, come find me. I'll be here whenever you want to fall apart. So right now, let yourself feel it, okay? Don't think. Just feel."
Amelia nodded and smiled sadly, acknowledging the truth in the other woman's words.
"How do you do that?" she asked, her voice a cracked whisper.
"What?"
Amelia let her head fall into the crook of Arizona's neck, inching closer to the other woman.
"You always know exactly what to say."
The blonde smiled.
"I try," she said, tightening her hold on the other woman, and Amelia lifted her head, turning to face her.
"Thank you," she whispered, sincerely, and she didn't try to fight the tears that began to spill from her eyes.
The blonde leaned down to place a gentle kiss on the neurosurgeon's cheek, her lips pressing softly against the other woman's skin.
"Anytime."
They sat in silence for a while, enjoying each others' company, Amelia's head tucked into the place where Arizona's neck met her shoulder, her body curled into the blonde's. Arizona rubbed a soothing hand up and down her arm, her head resting on top of the brunette's. She noticed the other woman's quietness, acknowledging how her breathing had become slow and steady.
"Are you on-call tonight?" she whispered into Amelia's hair. She felt the other woman shake her head against her shoulder. "Then come on. Let's go home."
The blonde slid off of the bed, taking Amelia's hand to pull her up with her. The neurosurgeon smiled shyly, gratefully, her eyelids drooping and eyes bloodshot.
"Okay."
The pair entered Meredith's house, Arizona leading them down the hall and into Amelia's bedroom. The brunette flopped onto her bed, already half asleep, as the other woman pulled a T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants out of the dresser, placing the clothes on the mattress.
"Here, change into these. I'll be right back, okay?" the blonde told her before disappearing out the door.
Arizona returned several minutes later, clad in pajamas and carrying a glass of water, her heart warming when she found the brunette curled under the sheets, her hair sprawled across the pillow. She placed the cup on the bedside table and sat down on the edge of the mattress.
"Drink this. And get some sleep. You've had a long day," she said, her hand resting on Amelia's leg. "Let me know if you need anything, okay? Anything."
She stood up to leave the room, but stopped when she felt a small hand grasp her own. She turned around, and her heart ached at the sight that met her eyes. She had never seen Amelia appear so fragile, so small, so helpless in comparison to her usual strong, confident disposition.
"Stay." The brunette's request was quiet, her voice raspy and strained. "Please."
Arizona nodded.
"Of course."
She removed her prosthetic and climbed into the bed, unsure of what she was supposed to do. She remained close to the edge of the mattress, reaching out to turn off the lamp on the bedside table before resting her head on the pillow.
A small smile etched its way onto her face when she felt the other woman inch closer, gently tugging on her arm. Arizona responded instantly, wrapping her arms around Amelia's body and allowing the brunette to nestle her face in the crook of her neck, their legs tangling together. She ran her fingers through soft chocolate locks, letting her fingernails lightly graze the other woman's scalp. Amelia sighed at the feeling, her eyes drifting shut as she mumbled softly.
"Arizona?"
"Hm?" the blonde mumbled.
"Thank you."
Arizona smiled, resting her head against Amelia's, her fingers still tangled in her hair. Her heart fluttered in her chest when she felt the brunette tilt her chin upwards and press a soft kiss against her cheek, her lips lingering on her skin. She pulled away slightly, her nose grazing Arizona's cheek, and the blonde could feel her warm breath against her face.
"Go to sleep," Arizona responded, her hand gently rubbing the brunette's back.
Amelia couldn't help but relish in the other woman's warmth, snuggling in even closer to her as she let herself slowly drift into unconsciousness. It felt good to be this close. It felt good to have Arizona wrapped around her, her body molded into her own. So she didn't think about it. She just let herself feel it, she let herself enjoy it. Moments later, she opened her eyes.
"Arizona?" she whispered again.
"Yeah?"
The brunette adjusted her position to that she could face the other woman directly. Her breath hitched as she gazed into the blonde's blue eyes, mesmerized by how they glinted brightly, even in the darkness of the room. She leaned forward slowly, her nose brushing against the other woman's as she spoke.
"Just..." she breathed out, her voice barely a whisper. "Don't think."
With that, she gently pressed their lips together, shyly at first, allowing the other woman to respond. Arizona cupped her face, deepening the kiss, and it soon became slow and passionate and somewhat desperate. She lightly brushed her tongue against the brunette's bottom lip, seeking entrance. They pulled apart when they needed air, their foreheads resting together as the blonde let a dreamy sigh.
"Okay. Now I can go to sleep," Amelia said, snuggling back into the other woman.
Arizona smiled, slightly stunned at what had just happened. She decided not to overthink it. Instead, she wrapped her arms around the other woman's body again, holding her close.
Don't think. Just feel.