Notes:
Hooray, we have our first AOU deleted Steve/Maria scene. You can find it on tumblr. I can't link to it on FFN. You'll just have to search it.
Other info: This is from the Daffodils series and references those stories, not sure if it's necessary to read them, however. Um, there are probably a lot of typos, I'm sorry.
It wasn't the first time she'd inferred it, the idea that he would never hang up his shield, that's why he gave her the look he did.
He realized now that in the back of his mind, locked away with all the pain of the loss when he woke, was this notion that he would have, if only things had gone as planned. Or, if only he'd been found by Howard and had settled down with Peggy. Then he'd have hung up the shield.
And now, as he faced Maria with the full knowledge of his greatest fear, he felt ashamed.
She'd brushed it off, told him all the psychological triggers that took him to that point; Ultron's comment to him-which was just a mind game; their discussion-one they'd had a few times before which never led anywhere. She excused him, made excuses for him, she always did. He hated it. It frustrated him like nothing else he knew.
"Stop," Steve said, interrupting her.
It came out a little harsher than he'd intended and Maria schooled her face.
"I'm sorry, Maria," he said. "But I need you to stop rationalizing what happened."
She stared at him and Steve was certain she was retreating from him.
"Can't you just accept that I'm not perfect?" he asked.
A look of surprise flashed in her eyes before she pulled back a little more. Steve reached for her hand before she could pull away physically, as well.
"I know you're not perfect," she said.
Steve huffed a frustrated laugh.
"You don't act like it," he said.
She leveled a glare at him.
"I don't understand why you can't just let me apologize for my mistakes, or my, well, whatever this was, and forgive me, if you want, or not, if you don't," he said.
She tried to pull her hand from his, but his grip was tight. That act, however, spoke volumes. This was not a conversation she wanted to have. And there was only one reason Maria ever had for that.
"Maria," Steve tried to keep the pleading out of his voice. "What are you so afraid of?"
That brought the exact reaction he expected. And this time he released her hand when she tried to pull away. She crossed her arms defensively and set her mouth in a harsh line.
"Or do you just think my ego is so frail I can't handle you seeing my imperfections?"
This wasn't grasping at straws. It wasn't as if Steve didn't know this woman and her thoughts. He'd been studying Maria for years. He had wanted to understand her almost from the very beginning. He had learned quickly that she was so much more than what Tony or others thought of her. She had a depth and strength like no other person he'd known, so many complex, supposed incongruities, that all led him to a picture of a woman complete in herself and in need of nothing and no one else to be what she was meant to be.
Which was why this behavior confused him. It was the type of thing a person who was insecure would do, a person who feared they'd lose the other if they didn't justify every single error that person made. But that just didn't go along with who she was.
"Ego," she snorted and smiled at him.
But even that was a deflection.
Anger was what he'd expected, or maybe jealousy, when he told her about what Wanda's vision had show him. Steve hadn't even wanted to tell her, but the nightmares since they'd defeated Ultron had become too intense and Maria had always been the one he talked with about such things.
"I just don't want you to feel bad about what happened," she said. " Like I said, we have no control over our subconscious."
She leaned forward and placed her hand on his. The soft smile on her face made him want to give in. He always did. She would justify her excuses for him and he would accept it at face value, but this time it was too big. This was bigger than his jealousy over her assignment before they'd uncovered HYDRA, this was more than his off-hand remark about him being a monster for submitting to the super-soldier program. This time he expected a reaction like the one she'd had after DC when she'd been so angry at Bucky for nearly killing him. He'd had a vision of his greatest fear, and it had nothing to do with her, the woman he loved so much he'd married.
He shook his head.
"No, Maria, that's not what you're saying," he said.
"Oh, so now you can read minds," she said in disbelief as she quirked an eyebrow.
"No, I can't, but you don't make excuses for anyone," he said. "Only me, and only personally."
Her guarded look returned and Steve could see that she knew exactly why she did this.
"Why?" This time he didn't try to keep the plea from his words or look.
She looked away and Steve reached over and tugged her into his arms.
Her tension increased at the act. Steve kissed the top of her head; he rubbed his hand up and down her back and she began to relax.
He tried to figure out what to say or ask to get her to respond. She'd probably have to be drunk, he joked in his head. But with that he thought he might have something. After DC, she'd had to get drunk to tell him her feelings about what had happened, and about Bucky. She had cried herself to sleep in his arms.
He thought through all the times she'd excused his behavior in the past. Another woman would have called him out, but another woman would have shown more emotions under normal circumstances. But Maria was not emotional, she was all about the facts and figures, the problems and possibilities. She could view every issue from several different angles and come up with the reactions each person might have.
He recalled when Peggy had fired on him with his new shield. She'd been angry and jealous when she'd discovered him kissing, well, he couldn't recall the woman's name. But Peggy had been open about exactly how she felt.
Maria never was. Though she was less guarded with him, there was still that element of herself that he often forgot. Just because she didn't regularly show her emotions didn't mean she didn't have them.
"You don't know what to do with the feelings so you justify my actions to protect yourself from having to deal with them," he said.
Maria began to chuckle.
"Maybe you should hang up your shield and become a therapist, " she said. But she didn't try to remove herself from his embrace. Instead she burrowed deeper and he held her more tightly.
"Maria, you don't have to be afraid with me," he said. "I can handle anything you throw at me."
He didn't have to give the illustration of what happened with Peggy, Maria already knew. She knew everything, so much more about him than he did her. It didn't usually frustrate him as much as it did right now.
"Please don't keep this part of yourself from me," he said.
He took a deep breath before he could tell her what he'd wanted since he'd seen her on the hellicarrier after their battle with Ultron ended.
"When I realized I couldn't leave Sarkovia while any civilian remained, I knew you were right, that I'd never hang up my shield until it was pried from my cold, dead hand, so to speak," he said. "And I was OK with that, and I knew you would understand, because you're the same."
He swallowed down the emotions that the memory induced.
"But when Fury showed up I was so glad to think I'd see you, that I'd hold you, that I'd get to spend more years learning you," he said.
He released his grip on her and cupped her face so he could see her.
"I realized, though, that people like us, we don't have time to waste," he told her.
Maria blinked quickly to hold back the moisture that sprang to her eyes. She'd thought about it too, but they never talked about it. It wasn't a discussion Steve wanted to have either.
"I want to know every part of you," he said. "Even the parts you don't think are worth knowing. I want to know your thoughts, even your fears, even the things that I do that bother you."
Maria closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she opened them again. In her eyes he could see her strength, it made him smile.
"Life's too short to dwell on that sort of thing," she told him.
He waited a moment, hoping she'd say more, but she remained silent.
He shook his head.
"I'm not asking you to dwell on them," he said. "I'm saying I'd just like to know what you're feeling, and it won't be a problem for me."
She glanced away and he raised his other hand to her face.
"Maria, I love you, *everything* about you," he said.
She looked back at him as if she was studying him, not to see if he was lying, though.
"I'm not that person," she said. "I'm not the type of woman who can just cry for any and every reason. I'm not the type of woman who can give in to her emotions."
"I'm not asking you to be, Maria," he said. "I just want you to tell me what you're feeling, and I really need you to stop rationalizing every wrong thing I do. It makes me feel like you don't trust me."
That drew a surprised reaction from her.
"I just need to know that you do," he said. "If you can't share the emotions, I can deal with that. But I can't handle the thought that you might not trust me, or that you might be afraid I'd leave you if you don't excuse my behavior, because that's never gonna happen."
Maria smiled and leaned in to kiss him.
"If know," she said. "I'm sorry, I didn't know. I guess I just need to analyze everything so I can understand it."
"Put it in a category?" he said and smiled back at her.
She nodded.
"What about your own feelings?" He asked. He was not going to let her off the hook this time.
She sighed deeply as if she was aware exactly what he was trying to do.
"I don't know," she said. "Most of my life, I've either had to hide my feelings or compartmentalize them for the sake of the job."
"You don't have to do that with me," he said.
"I know, Steve," she told him and leaned back on the sofa.
She stared at a corner of the wall for several minutes and Steve waited. Maria was always careful with her words in these sorts of conversations and he honestly appreciated that about her. There was nothing messy, even in their arguments. She was careful to cover only what was necessary, she never dredged up the past to make a point.
Steve sometimes wondered how he'd ever have lived with Peggy. She and Maria were so opposite. And, yes, he'd loved Peggy more than anything, but he knew they'd have had a much more volatile relationship just because they were both that type of person.
Maria grounded him, helped him remain calm. It was the thought of her that steadied him when he went to fight Bucky on the helicarrier after she'd fired on them. It was the thought of her calm demeanor that made him able to face almost certain death on Sarkovia. She had given him another way to handle tense situations that he'd never have had if everything had gone the way of his original plans.
He wondered what he had given her.
She took his hand in hers, and began to speak, though she continued to stare at the wall.
"I just wanted to help you," she told him. "I know what Peggy still means to you."
"Maria," he tried to interrupt but she just shook her head.
"Don't, Steve," she held up her hand.
Still, she didn't turn to him and Steve felt himself brace for something horrible.
"You still say her name," Maria confessed, her voice quiet. "In your sleep. When you dream."
Steve felt the blood drain from his face.
"How long?" he asked.
Why had he not told her?
"Doesn't matter," she replied.
"The hell it doesn't!" Steve was angry now. She'd been carrying this thought around with her for however long. Was it their first night together? Or, he hoped not, their wedding night?
"I thought you could handle anything I threw at you," she said. Her voice still controlled and her face a placid mask as she finally turned to him.
He furrowed his brows at her and bit back the question, "Is this a test?"
"I hurt you and you never told me," he said.
She tilted her head slightly and regarded him before continuing.
"I never said it hurt," she told him.
"Maria, how could it not, I said another woman's name in my sleep," Steve groaned. He rested his head in his hands trying to sort out the pain of what he'd done to her.
"This is why I don't tell you these things, Steve," she said.
He looked up at her quickly.
"What?" he was confused.
"It's not my emotions I don't know what to do with," she explained. "It's yours."
He stared at her and waited but she was silent for a few minutes before she continued.
"I know what to do with my feelings, but yours I have to sort out, I have to find a place for them, but sometimes it's difficult," she said.
Understanding slowly dawned on him.
"They're not excuses?" Though it was more of a statement than a question.
Maria shook her head.
"You feel everything so intensely," she told him. "And, sometimes, I noticed early on, you carry it around with you, and that's not always necessary."
Her earlier statement about trying to help him made more sense now.
"If you can put them into a place, a perspective, you can handle them better," she explained.
At this point Steve wasn't even sure what to say so he pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her neck. She wrapped her arms around him and huffed out a breath he knew contained a smile.
They held each other for several minutes before Steve kissed Maria slowly and soundly, when he pulled away breathless he rested his forehead on hers.
"I don't do enough for you," he said.
That earned him another snort, which made him laugh. He looked down at her before he kissed her again briefly.
"Truth is," she said. "I need you."
Steve chuckled and shook his head.
"Maybe not at first," she conceded. "When you met me I looked complete. But that was because there were parts of me I'd shut off, I thought permanently. Then you started to open all those places, and you filled them."
He looked at her a little in awe. This wasn't the way she spoke, this was more something he would say.
"At first I didn't notice," she said. "Then, when I realized that you'd fallen in love with me, I, well, I didn't know what to do with that."
Steve remembered, he'd really thought he'd blown things by being too obvious.
"So, I did what I always do," she smiled shyly, a look he really wasn't used to. "I analyzed it."
She took a deep breath and Steve was surprised to find her fighting to control her emotions.
"When I did, I had to admit that you had somehow become an important part of me," she said.
When it was apparent she had finished, Steve pulled Maria back into his arms. They were silent as they held each other.
"I didn't know," he said.
"I'm sorry," she told him. "I'm not very good at this sort of thing."
Steve kissed her temple and shook his head.
"Are we going to have to analyze this?" he joked.
He felt her laughter.
"Maybe over dinner," she said.
"That would be nice," he told her. "Maybe we could have dinner in Paris."
"What?" she asked.
"Well, don't you think we deserve a nice vacation?"
"But people will…"
Steve shook his head.
"No, they won't," he assured her. "It's just an Avengers business trip."
She smirked at him.
"I don't think I even want to know, at this point," she said.
"No," he laughed. "You probably don't."
She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed contentedly.
"I love you, Captain Rogers," she said.
Steve thought those were probably the best words he heard each day. They were always said with the knowledge of who he was, the truth that he couldn't stop fighting. And she was the same, Steve knew. It was what had drawn him to her from the beginning.
"I love you too, Mrs. Rogers," he replied.
Notes:
I had been thinking of writing a story for Daffodils to deal with Steve's vision that was going to have major Maria angst for this arc, but hadn't really written much. Then I read a story on Kavific's tumblr (kavific dot tumblr dot com). And that pretty much is the best. :) I can't link to it here, but it was posted on Aug 19 if that helps.