Mordor

(a.k.a What happens when you do one to many Stars In Their Eyes competitions)

'One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep and the great eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland riddled with fire, ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. It is folly, not with ten thousand men could you do this.' Boromir said.

***

'I think we should stop for the night.' Strider said.

'Yes, but I don't like this place… it gives me the creeps.' Sam muttered.

'I can't go on any further.' Merry complained.

'We should do something to calm ourselves down.' Pippin suggested.

'Oh, and I suppose you know exactly what we should do…' Gandalf said.

'Well, now you come to mention it-' Pippin started, but was interrupted by a loud groan from the rest of the fellowship. 'How about Stars In Their Eyes!' Pippin continued regardless.

'Stars In Their What?' Strider asked.

'Stars In Their Eyes.' Pippin repeated. 'We get into groups and sing a song for everyone else!'

'Oh no!' Everyone said… well, everyone apart from Merry who said…

'All right then!'

'Merry!' Frodo and Sam said.

'Come on. It'll be fun!' Merry argued.

Everyone put their heads in their hands, and Frodo noticed out of the corner of his eye Strider trying to sneak off into the forest they had stopped by.

Boromir grabbed Strider as he was about to run for it and hissed into his ear, 'If I have to endure this, so do you.'

'I really hate you, you know.' Strider replied, but rejoined the fellowship.

***

A FEW HOURS LATER…

'And I swear,

If you come back in my life,

I'll be there 'til the end of time

Oh yeah.'

'Back to me,

Back to me,

Back into my life' The four hobbits sung very out of tune. They carried on like this to the end of the song where, to everyone's relief, they stopped. (A/N: No kidding. What else would you do at the end of a song, carry on going?)

'Your turn you guys!' Merry said to the other five.

'And there I was hoping you'd forget!' Gandalf said sarcastically. So the five of them got onto the 'stage' made of some long planks of wood which they just happened to find in the forest.

'Why do I love you,

Don't even want to

Why do I love you like I do?

Like I always do

You should have told me

Why did you have to be untrue?'

'Love you like I do

Why do I love you like I do?'

When they had finished Gimli said, 'That was the most humiliating experience of my life'

'Here, here.' Boromir said.

'Let's go to sleep, and never speak of it again.' Strider said.

And with that, they all fell asleep, standing up. Then they woke up, and went back to sleep lying down.

***

A FEW WEEKS LATER…

'Where's Boromir?'

And that was that…

***

MANY MONTHS LATER…

'Mordor!' Frodo exclaimed.

'Mordor!' Merry cried out.

'Mordor!' Strider breathed.

'It's only a gigantic fortress round an evil mountain.' Pippin mumbled.

'Mordor!' Sam gasped.

'Mordor!' Gandalf whispered mysteriously.

'Mordor!' Gimli said, doing a mad Irish jig.

'It's a pretty mountain.' Legolas proclaimed.

'Ok,' Sam said, 'What do we do now that we're here?'

'Well why don't we try and ask for directions at the gate'

'Oh come on Frodo, that'll never work'

***

FIVE MINUTES LATER

'Hi, My name's Frodo Baggins. You might know my uncle Bilbo. He nicked a ring I think you're quite interested in. Anyway, I've got it now, here. And I was wandering if I could chuck it into your mountain.'

'Oh, sure,' One of the Orcs said, 'Go right ahead, height of the holiday season at the moment.'

'Thanks' Frodo said.

'Any time' The Orc replied. And they walked into Mordor.

After they'd been walking for about five minutes, Pippin started, ' 'One does not simply walk into Mordor.' Boromir said, 'Its black gates are guarded by more than orcs.' Boromir said.' ' He indicated to a hut by the side of the road in which they could see orcs sleeping ' 'There is evil there that does not sleep' Boromir said' He looked at the great eye which was closed, ' 'and the great eye is ever watchful.' Boromir said.' Frodo picked a flower from the roads ' 'It is a barren wasteland riddled with fire, ash and dust.' Boromir said,' Gandalf took a deep breath and smelt the perfumed air, ' 'The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume.' Boromir said 'It is folly, not with ten thousand men could you do this.' Boromir said, well there's only eight of us and we've managed to get in.'

'Pippin?' Gandalf said.

'Yeah?'

'Shut up!'

'Oh, all right.'

They arrive at the entrance to the mountain and Strider gripped his sword, Legolas gripped his bow and Gimli gripped his axe. They were all expecting a hard time getting to the middle of the mountain. Indeed they did have a hard time, though not in the way they thought that they would. The moment that they set foot in the mountain they were swamped with crowds of Orcs all asking for autographs.

'I didn't think this was what Boromir meant by 'one does not simply walk into Mordor'!' Gandalf said.

'Oh well, you win some, you lose some.' Legolas said, busily signing autographs with a pen that had appeared out of thin air.

'Hey! I thought I was meant to be the magician here!' Gandalf complained.

'Oh well, you win some, you lose some!' Legolas replied again.

'Do you think he's a stuck record?' Pippin asked Merry, looking over to where he thought he was. But… he wasn't! Pippin looked down to see Merry lying on the ground being squashed by the orcs.

'Pippin help! On second thoughts, Strider help!' Merry called, knowing batter than to ask for Pippin's help.

'Strider?' Frodo asked, grabbing onto Strider's cape so as not to be dragged down by all the idolising orcs. 'How are we going to get out of this?'

'Um… well…' Strider stuttered, trying to think of how to get out.

'Run!' Gandalf suggested.

'Good one!' Strider said, and they did.

They reached the entrance to the mountain after they'd managed to push their way through the orcs.

'Frodo, throw the ring in!' Strider said. 'We'll go and deal with your adoring fans!' Frodo ran into the mountain, while the rest of the fellowship went back outside.

Frodo took the ring from the chain around his neck, and raised his arm, when a hand grabbed him from behind. Before he could stop himself, Frodo let go of the ring, which began to fall towards the fires of Mt Doom. He quickly closed his hand again and looked up to see who had grabbed his arm. He looked up into the eyes of… BOROMIR!

'Strider! Help!' Frodo called, and Strider ran into the mountain.

'Take one more step and the hobbit gets it!' Boromir told Strider.

'Oh great!' Frodo muttered. 'I didn't want to come here in the first place, you know. Gandalf told me we were going to Disneyland!'

'Shut up!' Boromir said, and Frodo did.

'But why?' Strider asked, referring to Boromir's turn to the dark side.

'Because I have a headache!' Boromir replied, thinking Strider was asking about why he had told Frodo to shut up.

'What?' Strider asked, confused. 'You turned to the dark side because you have a headache?'

'No, I turned to the dark side because I got sick of Stars In Their Eyes. I told Frodo to shut up because I had a headache! Anyway, where's the ring?'

'I threw it down there.' Frodo said.

They all went to the edge of the ledge, to see the ring still falling (gravity's strange in Mordor).

***

FIVE HOURS LATER…

BOOM!

'So that's the ring gone then?' Boromir asked.

'Yep.' Strider said, as Frodo had fallen asleep, waiting for the ring to reach the fires.

'Frodo, you can wake up now.' Strider said, shaking the sleeping hobbit.

'Oh?' Frodo mumbled. 'Has it gone?'

'Eventually, yes.' Strider replied.

'Let's see, Sauron's been destroyed, so I have nowhere to go here. But… that lot like Stars In Their Eyes…' Boromir said to himself.

'It's been nice knowing you.' He said aloud, before jumping over the edge of Mt. Doom, and going down quite a lot faster than the ring.

'Hmm, obviously couldn't stand the Stars In Their Eyes competitions.' Strider said.

'Do you think we should have told him that we'd given up with that ages ago?' Frodo asked.

'Nah!'

THE END