Traffic Jam
Author's Note: I don't own any of the Superstars. They belong to Titan Sports. And here's your quote: "You're food, we're food, we're all food!" - Bert Banana, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
A highway in Texas
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
"Come on!" A driver screamed from his car.
"Move it!" Another driver yelled.
"What is the holdup?!" A woman driver screeched. The highway was jam-packed with cars. The sounds of beeping and yelling could be heard all over the highway. In once car, four WWE Superstars were trying to get to a show in Austin.
"Man, this is ridiculous." Ted Dibiase, Jr. complained from the driver's seat. "What is going on up there?"
"Whatever it is, there's nothing we can do about it." Cody Rhodes sighed from the passenger seat. The dark-haired son of Dusty Rhodes had decided to pass the time by pulling out his Game Boy. He had been meaning to catch up on that new Legend of Zelda game (He was a Legend of Zelda fanatic). In the seat behind him, one of the WWE Divas was texting on a BlackBerry.
"Heh heh heh, that's is so true. What Beth sees in him, I'll never know." Melina Perez chuckled. The Latina woman was chortling at a message she had received.
"I'll never get those things." The man sitting next to her grunted. Melina turned her head towards the fourth passenger: Manu. The son of Afa of the Wild Samoans, the second-generation wrestler had his nose in a book. Melina raised an eyebrow at the title.
"A Brief History of Time?" The Latina Diva blinked.
"It's a good book." Manu shrugged.
"Doesn't that talk about physics and stuff?"
"Cosmology, actually." The Samoan nodded. "It talks about the big bang and black holes, and stuff like that. It's good stuff, you should read it."
"No thanks." Melina shook her head. "Quantum physics never really piqued my interest." She then remembered Manu's earlier remark. "What don't you get about BlackBerries?"
"Well, for one, why do you need to take a couple minutes to type a piece of gossip on tiny keys with your thumbs when you could've just as easily said it to your friend on a phone in a few seconds?" The Samoan frowned.
"Some find others chatting on a phone very annoying." Melina shrugged.
"I'm beginning to find the beeping from that BlackBerry very annoying." Manu frowned.
"Well, I'm sorry." Melina rolled her eyes. "If I knew how to shut the beeping off, I'd do it."
"Man, we are going to be so late." Ted groaned. "Vince is going to be so mad." He looked over at Cody. "Hey Code, put down the game and help me out here."
"Whaddaya want me to do, wave a magic wand?" Cody blinked.
"I think Vince will be able to forgive a traffic jam." Manu sighed. "It's not like we want to be here."
"Hey, a gap!" Melina noticed. "Move up, Ted!"
"Alright!" Cody grinned. "Go, Ted! Go!" He then noticed that Ted had let a van in. "What the hell?! Ted!" Manu only closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"What is wrong with you?!" Melina snapped at the son of the Million Dollar Man.
"I had to let her in!" Ted defended himself. "It's common courtesy!"
"Oh, for the love of-!" The Diva sunk back in her seat and went back to her texting.
"Dammit, Ted..." Cody grumbled. "We don't get gaps like that often, man."
"Well sorry if I like to be a nice driver." Ted argued.
"What I'd like to know is what's causing this jam." Manu wondered out loud.
"Whatever it is, they're taking their sweet time dealing with it." Melina grumbled.
"Maybe there was an accident up ahead." Cody suggested.
"Or maybe roadwork." Melina added.
"Hell of a time to fix the road." Ted groaned. A white limousine then pulled up next to his car. "Whoa, nice limo." Manu noticed the logo on the door.
"Unfortunately, the occupant isn't." The Samoan wrestler announced. The window rolled down, revealing the smirking blond-haired white cowboy hat-wearing John "Bradshaw" Layfield.
"Oh look, it's J.R. Ewing, come to grace us with his presence." Cody rolled his eyes.
"You actually watched that show?" Ted snickered. "No wonder Jericho makes the jokes."
"My mom likes that show. And I wouldn't talk." Cody snickered. "I've caught you checking out the catfights on YouTube."
"Well-hell..." JBL chuckled. "Look at all of you. What's the matter, none of you could afford your own cars?" The blond man burst out laughing at his own joke.
"It's called carpooling, Layfield." Ted grunted. "And the last thing this road needs is more cars."
"Especially his limo choking up the whole lane." Melina snickered.
"Considering gas prices these days, carpooling is a good option." Manu added, not looking up from his book. He then glared at Melina. "Will you stop that?! That beeping is annoying."
"I can't shut it off!" The Latina woman answered.
"Then stop texting."
"I can't now, I'm in the middle of a conversation." Melina sighed. The Samoan groaned.
"Carpooling." JBL snorted. "If you ask me, that's all just a buncha tree-huggin' hippie crap." Cody and Ted burst out laughing. "What?!" The millionaire scowled. "What's so damn funny?"
"Eric Cartman said that on South Park." Ted explained with a laugh. JBL blinked.
"What's South Park?" The millionaire blinked. He then shook his head. "Anyway, you look like a buncha hippies carpoolin' like that. Didn't anyone ever tell you that Woodstock's in New York?!"
"Have you ever considered trying out for a Comedy Central stand-up show? You'd be a big hit, Layfield." Ted mocked.
"You know Melina, Cody can turn down his Game Boy, you should be able to turn the beeping on that blasted thing off." Manu grumbled.
"I wish I could, pal, but I can't!" Melina snapped.
"Then do something else!" Manu argued.
"At least I can buy my own car!" JBL mocked back. "In fact, I have several!"
"Do you drive any of them yourself? Do you even know how to drive at all?" Ted smirked.
"I can drive better than you ever could!" JBL snapped. While Ted and JBL continued to trade insults, Manu and Melina were having their own problems.
"That is it! That beeping is driving me insane!" Manu snatched the BlackBerry from Melina's hands.
"Hey!" The Latina exclaimed. "Give that back, you thief! Give it back! Give it!" Manu put a hand on Melina's head , and held the BlackBerry away from her, causing her to look unintentionally comical as she tried to grab and swipe it back.
"Huh?" The powerhouse Samoan looked at the screen. "...You've been gossiping with Mike Adamle?"
"Yeah, so?" Melina grumbled. "What do you think I'd be doing with Adamle?"
"Well..." The Samoan blushed. The Latina's jaw dropped.
"Oh, come on!" She groaned. "A: He's not my type. B: He's married."
"You did date Morrison." Cody reminded.
"Until he got weird." Melina countered. "Now gimme back my damn BlackBerry!"
"Oh yeah, he got weird alright." Cody chuckled, going back to his game. "Starts acting like a Jimi Hendrix 1960s love god wannabe." He then looked over at Ted. "Ted, quit making fun of the dumb corporate puppet."
"Oh and by the way, my dad tried some of that Mamajuana stuff, and he said it was garbage!" Ted snapped.
"It probably didn't work because your dad doesn't have a-!" JBL started to argue.
"You finish that sentence and I will drag you outta that limo and kick your ass!" Ted threatened.
"Just try it, boy! You just try it!" JBL challenged.
"Give me back my BlackBerry!" Melina screamed.
"Manu, give her back her texting thingy, huh?" Cody sighed. "I really don't want to hear her screaming the whole time we're here!"
"Alright." Manu smirked. "If she can catch it." The Samoan threw the BlackBerry out the window.
"NO!" Melina screamed. "My BlackBerry!" The BlackBerry flew out of the rental car and into the limo. It then hit an unintentional target.
Clunk!
"Agh! My nose!" JBL yelled, clutching his nose.
"Good shot, Mel!" Ted whooped, not realizing who actually threw the device.
"My BlackBerry..." Melina whimpered.
"You sons of-!" The millionaire yelled. "That was my nose!"
"Manu, you, you, you-!" Melina started punching Manu's arm.
"Hey hey OW!" The Samoan wailed.
"That BlackBerry was a birthday gift, you-!" Melina continued punching.
"GRR!" With a curse, JBL picked up the BlackBerry and pitched it back at a laughing Ted, who ducked.
"Ow!" Cody grunted as the BlackBerry hit him on the side of the head. He picked up the device and grunted at it. "Man, these thing hurt."
"My BlackBerry!" Melina squealed in delight, snatching it from Cody and hugging it. Manu groaned loudly.
"You're welcome." The son of the American Dream muttered dryly. JBL continued to curse out Ted (The son of the Million Dollar Man only responded to JBL with a smirk and a rude gesture) as his window rolled up and the limo started to go ahead on the road. The next ten minutes were rather quiet (Thankfully for Manu, Melina finally found a way to shut the beeping of her BlackBerry off), but the four Superstars didn't make a lot of progress on the road. Ted's face formed a small smile.
"What're you smiling about?" Cody blinked, looking up from a magazine he was reading.
"That was a good one." Ted smiled. Cody, Melina, and Manu looked at each other.
"That was a good one?" A confused Manu repeated.
"What could he mean-?" Melina blinked, and then it hit them. "AAAAAAAAAAUGH!" She covered her nose. Ted burst out laughing as his three carpool partners all screamed and gagged.
"For God's sake, Ted!" Cody yelled and coughed at the same time.
"Silent but deadly!" Ted cackled.
"What is wrong with you, man?!" Manu gagged. "Are you trying to kill us?!"
"OPEN THE WINDOW!" Melina screeched, desperately trying to get her window down.
"Behold the stench of Ted Dibiase's breakfast burrito!" Ted laughed. (1)
"Can't breathe...can't...breathe..." Cody gagged and hacked. "Ted, you..."
"Kill...you..." Manu snarled, grabbing Ted's throat and trying to strangle him.
"ACK ACK ACK!" Ted screamed, desperately trying to pry the powerful Samoan's fingers off his neck. "Manu...no...can't...breathe..."
"Welcome to our world!" Manu snapped. Luckily, after about a minute, Cody managed to get the windows of the car down, so fresh air could come into the vehicle, relieving the Superstars.
"Oh, thank God..." Melina sighed in relief. "Thanks, Cody."
"You can let him go now, Manu." Cody announced. "We got some fresh air in here."
"Thank God..." Manu sighed, releasing his hold on Ted's neck.
"ACK!" The son of the Million Dollar Man gasped. "Dammit, Manu! What is wrong with you?!"
"Whaddya think?!" Melina snapped, smacking Ted upside the head with her purse.
"OW!" Ted exclaimed. He glared at a snickering Cody. "You aren't helping." A taxicab pulled up next to the car. The driver noticed Ted in the driver's seat.
"Million Dollar Man! Million Dollar Man! You are Million Dollar Man!" He exclaimed excitedly, pointing at Ted.
"More like Million Dollar Jackass Who Likes to Fart in Cars." Melina grumbled.
"You Million Dollar Man!" The driver exclaimed excitedly.
"Do I really look that much like Dad?" Ted blinked. The other three Superstars shrugged. "Hey, uh...that's my Dad."
"Huh?" The driver blinked.
"The Million Dollar Man is my dad, Ted Dibiase Senior. I'm Ted Dibiase Junior." Ted clarified. The drive blinked.
"...Million Dollar Boy! Million Dollar Boy! You are Million Dollar Boy!" The driver grinned, making Ted groan and his three fellow Superstars burst out laughing.
"Oh, I am so telling your brothers about this, man!" Cody laughed. Ted glared at the second-generation Superstar.
"You spill one word of this, and you will not be getting off this freeway alive." The third-generation wrestler warned.
"Speaking of freeways, what's going on up there? What's causing this jam?" Manu wondered out loud. What he didn't realize was that the answer lied not too far ahead of the four Superstars' car. A capsized truck laid across the road, various-colored glitter was spilling out of it. Not to mention several cars, covered in glitter had crashed into the truck. Luckily, no one was hurt, but there was a lot of glitter, and a lot of furious drivers. In front of the truck, a crew was trying to clean up the mess, paramedis were checking for injuries, and the cops were carting away another Superstar.
"Oh, come on!" Chris Jericho exclaimed as the cops cuffed him and dragged him to a squad car. "I thought this was America! I didn't know we were in Communist Russia! What, a man can't drive in this country now?! It's because I am a HUGE ROCK STAR, isn't it?!"
"Sir, what were you doing with a truck full of glitter, anyway?" One of the cops asked. "Especially one you somehow rigged a firehose on to shoot the glitter?"
"What do you think, assclown?! I was trying to sow the world the joy of being sparkly!"
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed!
(1) – A nod to a line Skeletor said in an episode of Robot Chicken