The Nosgoth Times
Soul Reaver Unable to Understand Plot, Gives Up In Disgust
Raziel, the centuries-old Soul Reaver of Nosgoth, made a public announcement today, informing the world that he is retiring
from his position. 'Fuck this time travel bullshit,' Raziel said. 'I can't even tell which friggin' version of me I am
anymore! Watch this!' With that, he vanished, and reappeared two minutes later missing an arm. 'See? This is a future version
of me. The one you just saw is from five hundred years ago. Tell me that's not fucked up.'
The announcement of the renowned Soul Reaver's retirement brought tears to the eyes of many, not least Moebius, Time
Guardian.
'With Raziel out of the business, how am I ever going to kill Kain? Who am I going to relentlessly hound for all eternity
trying to manipulate him?'
The Elder God was unavailable for comment.
Kain, too, was disappointed with this development.
'If Raziel retires, then all of history is going to have to reshuffle itself to accommodate his monumental decision! There
will be no way that he can refuse to kill my past self, then meet with my other past self, then go off to another time and
do some shit, then kill some priests, then bust up a few vampire heads, then fight me, then go back in time again and kill
himself no none of this can ever happen, and I'll never be able to return Nosgoth to it's old state!'
Kain refused to comment when a suggestion was made that they kill HIS past self in order to stop anything bad from
happening to Nosgoth at all.
Raziel explained his reason to reporters for retiring:
'For one thing, I'm old as all hell. I got arthritis like you wouldn't BELIEVE. Of course I don't know how old I am,
because I don't know what time this version of me is from. And I honestly can't figure out what the hell's going on. Every
two seconds somebody's fucking me off to some distant era and everything's all green and messed up, and then somebody shows
up from some OTHER time and tells me to watch out, cause some pretty freaky shit is going on, and everyone is in on it, and
I'm supposed to be saving the world, but I can't even figure out how to solve some damn puzzle. The stress really gets to
you after a while.' Raziel then proceeded to decapitate and reave the soul of a reporter.
Eidos employees were less than pleased with this development as well.
'If Raziel stops working for us, how are we ever going to create 'Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 3: What The Hell Is Going
On?'?' said an unnamed programmer. 'We have at least eighty more sequels planned with plots becoming more and more
incomprehensible, but with our star gone, we may have to turn to some other storyline. This is disaster!'
In reply to this statement, Raziel told Eidos to 'go fuck yourselves. I was underpaid and overworked anyway, fuckers!'
When asked what his plans were now that he was retiring, Raziel said he intended to 'Go back in time, kill that bitch-ass
ho Moebius, and spend the rest of my life sunbathing on the beach reaving the souls of hapless lifeguards. He also said he
intended to 'take a huge fuckin' shit in that Elder God's eyeball, the asshole.'
Raziel's retirement will go into effect after he activates the Air Forge and kills some Fire Demons.
Soul Reaver Unable to Understand Plot, Gives Up In Disgust
Raziel, the centuries-old Soul Reaver of Nosgoth, made a public announcement today, informing the world that he is retiring
from his position. 'Fuck this time travel bullshit,' Raziel said. 'I can't even tell which friggin' version of me I am
anymore! Watch this!' With that, he vanished, and reappeared two minutes later missing an arm. 'See? This is a future version
of me. The one you just saw is from five hundred years ago. Tell me that's not fucked up.'
The announcement of the renowned Soul Reaver's retirement brought tears to the eyes of many, not least Moebius, Time
Guardian.
'With Raziel out of the business, how am I ever going to kill Kain? Who am I going to relentlessly hound for all eternity
trying to manipulate him?'
The Elder God was unavailable for comment.
Kain, too, was disappointed with this development.
'If Raziel retires, then all of history is going to have to reshuffle itself to accommodate his monumental decision! There
will be no way that he can refuse to kill my past self, then meet with my other past self, then go off to another time and
do some shit, then kill some priests, then bust up a few vampire heads, then fight me, then go back in time again and kill
himself no none of this can ever happen, and I'll never be able to return Nosgoth to it's old state!'
Kain refused to comment when a suggestion was made that they kill HIS past self in order to stop anything bad from
happening to Nosgoth at all.
Raziel explained his reason to reporters for retiring:
'For one thing, I'm old as all hell. I got arthritis like you wouldn't BELIEVE. Of course I don't know how old I am,
because I don't know what time this version of me is from. And I honestly can't figure out what the hell's going on. Every
two seconds somebody's fucking me off to some distant era and everything's all green and messed up, and then somebody shows
up from some OTHER time and tells me to watch out, cause some pretty freaky shit is going on, and everyone is in on it, and
I'm supposed to be saving the world, but I can't even figure out how to solve some damn puzzle. The stress really gets to
you after a while.' Raziel then proceeded to decapitate and reave the soul of a reporter.
Eidos employees were less than pleased with this development as well.
'If Raziel stops working for us, how are we ever going to create 'Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 3: What The Hell Is Going
On?'?' said an unnamed programmer. 'We have at least eighty more sequels planned with plots becoming more and more
incomprehensible, but with our star gone, we may have to turn to some other storyline. This is disaster!'
In reply to this statement, Raziel told Eidos to 'go fuck yourselves. I was underpaid and overworked anyway, fuckers!'
When asked what his plans were now that he was retiring, Raziel said he intended to 'Go back in time, kill that bitch-ass
ho Moebius, and spend the rest of my life sunbathing on the beach reaving the souls of hapless lifeguards. He also said he
intended to 'take a huge fuckin' shit in that Elder God's eyeball, the asshole.'
Raziel's retirement will go into effect after he activates the Air Forge and kills some Fire Demons.