Weary of Subterfuge: By Tal J. Smith

Summary: Prince Adam is bone weary after a battle as He-Man and Teela's latest outburst calling him a coward is the last straw - "Do not presume to know me or where my heart lies Captain."

Chapter 1:

Prince Adam strode through the training room to the back corridor which lead to his bedchambers. He'd just come back from a fight with Skelator in the blue mountains after a rain. His normally shiny blonde shoulder length hair was covered in mud and all his hard-earned muscles were sore and shaking, and his energy all but drained. All he wanted was a shower and a nap. The last thing he needed was to talk with anyone while in this state, he'd likely bite their head off.

Eternia's captain of the Guard, Teela, was seething in wrath at Prince Adam. How could he abandon them again? Luckily Eternia's reclusive and mysterious protector, He-Man, showed up when he did. She and her father had just arrived to help when He-Man violently shoved Skelator into a portal created by either the Sorceress or one of Skelator's deflected attacks. She wanted to stay and talk with the quiet protector, but as usual he had some other place to be and ran off before she could get in two words. She wondered if she would ever get any alone time with the man. He-Man intrigued her, and although he'd always treated her as an equal, he never showed signs of wanting to know her better. She sighed and headed back to the castle looking down at her now ruined white and gold leotard uniform, "Oh bother. I wouldn't want to talk to me either covered in this mud. Now to get cleaned up and find that no good Prince to give him a piece of my mind for missing yet another opportunity to help Eternia."

The private practice rooms had showers where she kept plenty of extra clothes and she wouldn't have to walk through the palace covered in mud. She was usually the only one who ever used them. She opened the entrance door in time to see Prince Adam quietly opening the door opposite her to exit out the back hall.

"Adam!" She called out sensing he was not at all pleased to be caught running away from yet another battle. "Where in Eternia were you!"

He ran a muddy hand through his hair, and looked at the floor, "I saw Skelator while out fishing and went to get help." He moved to leave and she stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

Teela was not mollified her blue eyes flashing, her voice going from annoyed to angry. "At least you could have stayed to help the villagers…the fight with He-Man and Skelator ruined some of the houses. You may be a coward in a fight but I know you've always cared about the people. How about you act like a prince for once? Did you go back to fishing after you ran for help or did you stop to take a nap?" Her eyes were like fire. Deep down she knew she may have gone too far with the prince.

He abruptly stilled in his walk and swallowed deeply. His eyes narrowed at her sudden outburst. She'd berated him before but never outright called him a coward. He took a deep soothing breath and closed his eyes from the headache that just started pounding in his brain. He'd had enough. He opened his eyes, turned to look at her, and shook his head softly in a look of profound disappointment.

This was so un-like the Adam Teela knew, she was worried she'd crossed an invisible line this time. She'd seen fatigue in his eyes during her tirade, "Adam, I'm sorry, I just…." His eyes narrowed at the start of her apology.

He immediately focused at her with a look she'd never seen on him. Carefully checked rage. He stood towering over her adopting his full height and not the carefree slouch Adam usually sported. This one screamed of aggression and dominance, his fingers clenched into fists. "Do not presume to know me or where my heart lies Captain." The prince spat, enunciating every word speaking in slow hushed guttural sounds. "It HAS and always WILL, beat for the good of Eternia." With that he slammed the door in her face with a strength she always suspected he had.

Teela was left alone, mouth agape. Adam had never spoken to her in anger before, and what did he mean she did not know him? They've been friends forever…. albeit recently they'd been drifting apart the more he shirked his duties to the crown. She was slightly ashamed thinking back on what she had said. No man deserves to be called a coward for trying to help Eternia, but by the fates why did he constantly run? She missed their easy comradery they shared before he started shirking his duties to the crown.

She sat in silence pondering the changes she had just seen in her old friend. "What was all that about?" Teela realized, that if she hadn't known it was Adam right then, she might have actually been afraid of the man. She'd forgotten how big Adam actually was, and the presence he could command when he wanted to. She had her suspicions about the strength that might be hidden under that hideous pink tunic.

She remembered seeing Adam coming from a fishing trip where his green tiger Cringer must've playfully drenched him while shaking water off his coat. Adam had taken off his shirt for the walk home running squarely into Teela in the corridors. She remembered not being able to keep her eyes from moving up from his magnificently muscled chest, and seeing the slightly uncomfortable look on his rapidly blushing face.

Looking back, she wondered when he had trained to get the muscles she knew he had? It was certainly not with her, their sessions usually ended with him being too tired to continue. Was he getting training from someone else then? She was the captain of the guard after all!

The more she thought about Adams statement, the more she started thinking that Adam was possibly hiding something from her. The truth was she did not know Adam anymore, and that in itself was a depressing thought. She did not know her best friend.

Hours later after an uncomfortably silent dinner with the royal family, she knocked on Adam's door. "Adam, open up, I need to apologize."

"Go away Captain. Go train somewhere." He sounded bored but slightly amused.

The use of the word Captain and not Teela was not lost on her. "I deserve that. I, uh, wanted to apologize. I don't know what came over me, I was just frustrated. Please let me in so we can talk."

Adam tried pulling out his more carefree voice, and noted with a laugh, "It's late Teela, everything's fine, you were right, I am a coward…don't make a spectacle of yourself, we wouldn't want the servants to spread rumors."

Seeing red on the taunt, "Prince Adam if you don't open this door this instant I will…."

The door opened so fast Teela fell forward into a familiar gloriously bare chest with strong warm arms wrapped around her.

"Well I'm guessing they'll talk now!" Adam said with a chuckle. He went to steady her on her feet. Teela was for the second time that day, speechless. She stared at his bare chest, this time much closer, while he turned to quickly to grab a white shirt off a nearby chair.

"Wait." She waited for her brain to tell her what she was seeing. He didn't turn around, he held his breath. She stared horrified at his back, identifying the white lines that marred his skin as a myriad of scars running up and down his torso. She reached out and touched one of the larger ones that looked like a sword wound and he tensed quickly sucking in a breath, then moving again to pull on his shirt to cover himself. She swallowed.

She took a step back away from the man, "No, you were right, I don't know you anymore do I?" She spoke aloud what she was thinking, because she surly did not know where those scars came from and she surly should not be lusting after her best friend that way.

Adam's only reply was. "No, no I am a coward Tee…. I'm, I'm not mad anymore." He turned and faced her slowly with a look she could not describe on his face, clad only in a white shirt and breeches. "Apology accepted," again using his friendly childhood nickname for her. "You had better go now." He didn't move, but his lonely eyes seemed to beg her to stay.

Teela narrowed her eyes in disbelief, he was saying what Adam would normally say, but it was off somehow. She looked closer. He was regarding her too intently and holding his breath, his tall ready stance seemed to her like he was preparing for an attack at any moment. Nothing at all like Adam.

"Well you are obviously training with someone and acquiring scars, so I am guessing they are not sparring very safely. If you were trying to change your image why could you not come to me? I'm your friend, I would have helped you. Is that where you've been going?"

He said nothing.

"Is He-Man helping you?" She saw Adam's eyebrows raise at that telling her she may be correct. "What is he doing to you? If that man has hurt you in any way, I will ring his…"

"He hasn't hurt me." Adam said softly, wondering at the sudden possessiveness she was showing for Adam. She hero worshipped He-Man, he was sure of it. The champion of Greyskull could do no wrong in her eyes.

Teela had never heard that tone from Adam, it seemed he wary of her presence. He almost seemed confused, scared and uncomfortable. He'd had many women in his bed chambers before hadn't he? He had been such a playboy these past years, always seen with a different debutant or courtier.

"Well then, how do you explain these scars." Teela asked worried.

"I'm fine, please, you have to leave." Adam, opened the door and seemed to shrink back to his carefree self, slouching again. Teela realized his lazy slouch for what it was now, an act. "I will not have your reputation ruined like mine." He went to push her out the door. None of this meeting was going how she'd thought it would. She was more confused now than ever. Why would it ruin her reputation to be seen talking to her best friend in his room?

"Adam." She turned in the doorway.

"Yes Teela." He sighed.

"I'm not going easy on you in practice tomorrow, I want to see what you've learned. I won't mention it to anyone, but I would rather determine if you are learning any bad habits that could one day get you killed. If you can hold your own in an attack, we could possibly fight together. As your bodyguard, I need to know what you can do to protect yourself. Private practice rooms…tomorrow."

He frowned a bit, "Yes Captain." The door shut as she watched a maid scurry away. Yes, there would be rumors. Maybe Adam was right.

He looked over to his friend laying on the cushion who has stayed silent the whole exchange. "Well, what're you gonna do now?" Cringer's yellow eyes looked at his worriedly.

"I don't know yet my friend." He sighed.

Adam lay in his bed lost in thought staring at the ceiling, he knew his outburst was from the exhaustion and anger coming to a head after an intense battle, and to hear his friend belittle him like that, it was all he could do not to challenge her to a fight right there. His outburst today showed him he was near the breaking point, and he silently planned to go to the sorceress for another pep talk. She always knew how to make him feel better about being He-Man.

But to open the door for her, shirtless. He knew how she watched him that other time cringer ruined his shirt with swamp water. Subconsciously maybe he wanted her to look at him like that again. Like he was a real man, not the cowardly jokester he pretended to be. But to protect He-Man he couldn't let his guard down like that again. But the damage was done, and she'd seen his scars, he'd almost the damage last 5 years wrought on his alter ego's frame. Every major injury He-Man healed with Greyskull's power left a scar as a reminder. It's too late now.

Now to deal with training with the captain. His heartbeat jumped remembering the heated way she looked at him as Adam….and not He-Man. She was the only woman who caused his body to heat when looked at like that, and he'd had plenty of admirers as Adam….and even more so as He-Man. He found no matter how exhausted he was, he could not sleep that night.

The next morning….

Teela was stretching as Adam entered the private training area. He didn't speak, which was unusual for the Adam she knew, she mused, but probably not unusual for the Adam she wanted to get to know.

"I wanted to use the private practice room, I have a feeling you will not want interference in our training this morning." Teela watched him closely as she went to wall panel to press a button to lock all the doors. A slight sad grin followed.

He bowed for her to go first, "Lead the way Captain."

As Teela casually walked past Adam she turned and wheeled on him in attack. Adam side stepped easily and deflected her forward movement sending her stumbling.

"I knew it!" She exclaimed excitedly.

She tried hand to hand combat for several minutes, getting frustrated Adam wasn't so much as breaking a sweat. It seemed like he'd been born to fight. His arms felt like she was hitting steel as he effortlessly blocked her punches and kicks. Finally, a worthy opponent!

Frustrated at his show of skill which apparently outmatched hers, she grabbed a training sword from the wall and threw another to Adam. "Good job, let's see what else you've learned behind my back."

The cowardly and carefree Adam caught the blade easily and settled into a ready stance so fast she was caught off guard. His face was stoic and showed no emotion, no carefree smile, no joy of competition, and no grimace of exertion.

"I'm ready Captain." He stood with that same slight sad grin after noticing her surprise. She attacked with all the force she could muster. Not at all holding back now.

Teela could not fathom how he had acquired these skills, his fighting seemed oddly familiar. "If He-Man taught you these moves, I may ask for lessons myself!" She said breathlessly enjoying the new challenge, and finally able to learn something for a change. Adam suddenly stopped their sparring.

He shook his head, "I think I'm done. This was not a good idea."

"Of course it is, if I knew you could defend yourself like this I would be free to fight more and worry about you less. I can teach you to fight alongside me instead of being behind me. Heck, you could fight alongside He-Man, isn't that what your training in secret for? To show us all you're not afraid to fight anymore? Please Adam, open up to me. I'm your friend." Teela's chest was heaving and Adam looked like he'd just taken a stroll. Not a drop of sweat nor was he out of breath.

He slowly and gently placed the practice sword on the rack. "I'm not fighting Teela. Not you or anyone. It's my choice, it always has been. I need you to understand this choice has nothing to do with you, and you must respect that. I've always listened to your trainings Tee, always, and I appreciate all you try to do for me. I want you to know that." He bowed deeply to her in respect (also unlike Adam) and left the training room.

Teela was left dumbfounded and in shock. He chooses not to fight! He chooses to let Eternia down? He chose to let his father think he had no courage? Had he decided he was a pacifist? But why learn to fight? What would make someone learn such skill only to….

Teela decided to come at this new development and figure the answer to her questions as a strategist and tactician. This wasn't her first mystery to solve and her duty to the crown made it imperative she find what the prince was up to.

Adam strode from the practice directly to Man-At-Arms' workshop. He stooped at the door running a hand through his hair and knocked.

The door opened with a grease stained red mustached man in his late 50's. "Ah Adam, I was hoping you would stop by. I'm testing a new pulse rifle and can't get the frequency quote right." He beckoned to his drafting table where a set of plans lay. Cringer curled up on a cushion in a far corner for a nap not knowing what to tell his master.

"I've done something Duncan, something that will cause a lot of trouble. But….I think I'm glad I did it." Adam looked at his friend with hooded eyes.

Duncan stopped and sat down, "This sounds like private discussion." Adam nodded. Duncan hit a button on a remote siting on the table, taking extra precautions they were not overheard. "What happened boy."

"Teela called me a coward in one of her tirades and I might have blown up at her a little." Duncan winced. "So today during practice I basically let her know which of us would easily win in a fight." Adam sighed and leaned against a table still tired from yesterday's battle. "I'm getting tired of this charade old friend, I think I'm failing in my resolve. It's never been this hard before."

"I know my boy, I know. You're getting older to, with more responsibilities. People are going to start looking to you act a certain way as the prince and not a carefree royal child. They will no longer accept the version of Adam that has worked so far. I don't know what to tell you son. Perhaps the sorceress has an idea." He put his hand on Adam's shoulder.

"As far as my daughter is concerned, I know her opinion matters a lot to you. But you understand she will never give up now that she knows you were hiding much from her." The older man scratched at his mustache in thought.

Prince Adam cringed and ran a nervous hand through his hair, "I know Man-at-arms, and that's what I am afraid of."

He stared at the conflicted young man, "What about telling her a half truth, that your work with He-Man requires you to be his messenger to protect his identity. She must suspect you know who he is."

The blonde looked lost in thought, "I don't know, do you think the Sorceress will agree to that? We can run it by her, but my gut says Teela will find out sooner rather than later. When she sets her mind to something, there is no stopping her."

Man-at-arms did not miss the grin of pride on Adam's face. It seemed to the old fighter that Adam was not indifferent to his daughter. He wondered if there was more to Adam's little slip in character with her than he thought. When the prince was a boy he didn't have to worry about thoughts of love. The numerous courtier's and their wanton behavior towards the prince cemented his belief Adam would never fall for one of them, but his daughter…..she had turned into a beautiful and capable women with a strong sense of honor. Adam was bound to notice eventually.

The solder opened his workshop door, "Well son, I suggest a trip to the Sorceress is in order." The men prepared the rover for the ride to castle Greyskull.

Teela, had been hiding just outside her father's door, somehow knowing whenever Adam was upset about something he went to Man-at-arms. She often wondered why he would not go to his own parents.

"So the Sorceress is involved in this somehow." She was lost in thought. Why would Adam and her father need advice from her?

She would have to do more investigating. She would start with Adam's room while he was out.

The entire place was spotless. That was the first surprising thing she noticed of the prince's chambers. No clothes or wet towels on the floor, no shoes thrown about, and the bed was made….all before the cleaning staff were to arrive later in the morning. She expected the place to at least smell like Cringer. I mean the beast was with Adam constantly. Her own rooms were not so neat, with her training sessions, meetings with the royals, and helping in battles with Skelator, she was never able to keep up with cleaning. She would never have guessed this lazy boy…no man, would be this tidy. It went completely against the laws of nature!

She searched every nook and cranny for something incriminating. She knew Adam was training with someone, more than likely it was He-Man. He must be friends with him, or at least know his secret. Maybe he was the one who warned He-Man about every attack, and not just the one from today, her mind started wandering. The warrior always seemed to know when they were in trouble, and came out of nowhere as if he were already nearby. Maybe He-Man lives at the palace? One thing she did know about her Prince, the man knew absolutely everyone at the palace, down to their job titles or children's names. He would forget meeting times, but never the people.

After finding nothing in closets and drawers she turned to the filled bookshelf and started flipping through books, looking for anything that might be hidden in them. Only then did she notice the small black cursive writing in the margins on almost every page. Adam had completely taken apart this book and noted questions and thoughts on the book's passages, all throughout the margins of the entire book. She glanced at the title, "The Art of War." She owned a copy and had read it once, but this level of detail showed absolute dedication. The book looked like it had been read and handled at least a dozen times. Teela then noticed the other titles on the shelf thinking she would find books on fishing and hunting, Adam's two favorite past times. She was horribly wrong. There were books on strategy, on warfare, Eternia's rules and regulations, technology, philosophy, and even leadership. She picked up another book and was afraid of what she would find when quickly flipping through it. They were all the same.

Sure enough, each book was carefully notated with things that intrigued the prince, as well as arguments to certain theories. She saw well thought out disagreements and carefully drafted personal notes. The Prince was perhaps more educated than both his parents and her combined. But why the act? She now knew he didn't need her fighting lessons any more then he needed to attend schooling to become the future king. So why did he go? She thought he may be hiding something like knowing He-Man, but this, this scared her even more. This was something much bigger, it was weird but it brought tears to her eyes to think how lonely it must be to have all this information in your head and no one to understand you, no one to debate with, or no one to confide in. She was also hurt more then she cared to admit that he hid this side of him from her. Her friend must have had a good reason, right?

Now knowing more, should she confront him? Should she pretend she didn't know? She sat on his bed and started reading all his comments, her respect for this man growing exponentially. Maybe there were answers to her questions within his comments.

Adam and Man-at-arms were of course expected. The Sorceress had already lowered the gate and had drinks waiting for them once they reached the castle. She did not look happy, but at the same time seemed understanding.

"Adam, I believe we are at a crossroads." She said softly. Adam only nodded. It was convenient that with the Sorceress you didn't often need to explain what was going on.

"Young Teela is currently finding out Adam is not the man she thought." She lay a hand on the Prince's shoulder. "You must choose…. to let her find out more which will eventually lead to He-Man, or….. I can erase her memory of your interlude yesterday. But know this, if you choose to allow her to discover the identity of He-Man she will most certainly be in grave danger and altering her memory will weaken me leaving castle Greyskull unprotected for a time. This is something we knew could happen, which is why we all agreed to keep your identity a secret. I knew there would also come a time when the secret may be too difficult to bear. The choice is yours."

"Mine?" He mused softly. "Why?"

Adam swallowed roughly, and weighed all his options. He thought about her plea for him to open up and how his heart almost broke to walk away from her. "No, it can't be mine. It was my choice to accept the danger of being He-man and my decision to ruin my relationships….the choice is now hers to accept the danger that comes with certain knowledge." For once he did not look to the Sorceress for approval. His destiny was no longer Greyskull's protector's decision, he now created his own destiny. He strode out the door leaving the solder with the Sorceress.

Man-at-arms could not have been prouder of the man before him if it were his own son. Truer words were never spoken.

"He cares for her." The woman said behind him.

"I would hope so." He replied.

"Duncan, she would be a weakness for him."

He turned to face her, and ran a hand down her cheek as she closed her eyes at the contact. "Women are both Teela Na. An immeasurable strength and a devastating weakness." With that the soldier left as well.

Adam, searched everywhere for Teela. He went to all the training areas, the throne room, the court rooms, the armory, and the private practice room where they had fought. It was not like her to be gone for hours. He strode back to his chambers only to be caught by a palace courtier he couldn't for the life of him remember her name just outside his window.

"Oh prince Adam, there you are, I have been looking for you!" Cringer rolled his eyes and ran off to avoid the sense these courtiers usually make. The traitor! "I wanted to speak to you about the ball this weekend." She batted her eyelashes coyly. "I've also bought a new dress if you wanted to have a sneak peek at what I'll be wearing so you can dress to match." She played with the opening to his tunic making him angry and extremely uncomfortable, not that he showed it.

Putting on his carefree playboy act he just as coyly replied with a sexy toothless grin, "I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you, I have not yet decided the lucky beauty I'll be taking and we can't have us not matching now can we?" The women took this as a positive sign and laughed coquettishly as Adam lightly tapped her nose and walked off while whistling a carefree tune.

He opened the door to his sitting room and roughly ripped off his outer tunic feeling slightly dirty and used. "Ancients, I hate it when they touch me." He kicked off his boots and was about to pull off his undershirt and head to the bathroom for a much-needed cleanse when he heard a sound in his bedroom. No one had the entry code to his chambers but the royal family and his mother made it a habit to knock after some very embarrassing occurrences when he was a teen.

He opened the door slightly. There was Teela sitting comfortably cross legged on his bed with her back leaning against the window with a book in hand. She didn't look up.

His heart skipped a beat at the sight, not knowing until then that he had craved this moment for years. How many times had he assumed that same postion with his favorite books. The redhead quietly asked, "How did things go with the Duchess of Caledonia?" That broke him out of his trance.

"Who?" He sat down on a bedside chair to study the women who finally glanced up at him.

"You didn't even know her name just now, did you?" She said incredulously.

"Oh, the courtier, no, why?" He would gladly continue this conversation rather than talk about the possible reason she was in his room.

"Just answer me one question." She looked stern. Here it goes, he thought. "Have you ever slept with a courtier? I mean…you know."

Not the question he was expecting. He blinked in confusion. "Why do you ask?"

"Just answer the question." She snapped the book shut.

He swallowed, "No Teela, I have never slept with a courtier."

She nodded, as if she suspected as much, probably from hearing his comment from earlier. "You are hiding yourself from me Adam, from everyone who loves you. Why?"

He ran a hand though his hair. "To keep you all from danger." She nodded again as if in confirmation.

"I see, and if you tell me what's going on, if you stop hiding…"

"You could get hurt, and I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you Tee." His eyes pleaded with her to understand. "But…." He took a breath, "I'll tell you everything if you ask me. It's your choice to make, it's your life. I can't go on keeping things from….my friend." He looked up at her through his bangs. Something in the way he said "my friend" didn't seem quite right, it was said softer and with a slight hesitation.

Teela sat up confused. She thought she would have to threaten or coerce the information out of him, but understanding this new Adam; she trusted the danger was real, it was something that worried him, and now he was offering her a choice. "What do you think I should do Adam. You obviously don't want me to know, or do you?"

"It's killing me Teela, but know that I never meant to hurt you by withholding certain things. No matter what, you have always been my friend, and I'd rather you'd be safe and happy than take on the burden I have."

After a long pause she sighed, "Fine, I won't ask. I trust you…" He looked absolutely relieved. "For now. I want to get to know you again, alright? You need to let me in." She added. He pursed his lips as if he knew she would add that "For now," caveat. "But I can't pretend you're a…..that you're not ah..."

The prince gave her a warm smile that made her insides melt, "I know Tee, you don't have to. Do what you feel is right." She smiled uncertainly and set the book she was reading on his bed stand with a red pen on top. He grinned, she must have added notes too.

"And we are discussing this later." She pointed to the book, "Deception in Warfare."

As she left Adam called out, "Tee?"

"Yes Adam,"

She stopped at his door looking back, "Will you go with me to the ball?" His heart blurted out the question before his brain could stop him.

She swore her heart stopped, but to cover it up she jokingly said, "Do you want to know what I'll wear so you can match?"

He said softly, "Wear whatever you want Tee, as long as you're with me."

She held her breath when she heard the seriousness in his voice, forcing herself to remember what she had just learned about this man. He was her friend trusting her not to ask his secret. He was extremely intelligent, methodical, not a playboy, not a coward and his sense of duty may match her own. But this would take them out of the "friend" category into uncharted territory. "Adam are you sure? You know what this could mean if you arrive with me."

He stood up from the chair and turned to her, squaring his wide shoulders standing tall again. "I am aware." He waited silently for her reply, or rejection. Knowing she understood what he was asking. All he was asking.

She smiled shyly, did she want this, to be formally and publicly courted… by the prince no less? To tackle the palace gossip, to be scrutinized by the other courtiers, to possibly be the future queen! But to have Adam….but his question, he must have feelings for her! He'd never let on, he'd never made even a romantic gesture towards her before. Unless….

She thought back to his heartfelt promise to tell her everything if she asked, trusting her. Her saying she trusted him. The pleading look in his eyes when he thought she was going to demand to know everything. Something had changed and it was her; she now trusted him. The answer was clear, "Then wear green."

As the door shut the prince collapsed and leaned back in his chair with a smile in his heart he hadn't felt in the last 5 years. Teela trusted him again, and now he was going on a date with the beautiful Captain of the Guard to see if this tightening in his heart what permanent. His overactive brain started working again, the repercussions from court gossip would be felt by them both as he'd never formally courted a woman before. The courtiers would be brutal. How would his parents take it? Then a thought occurred to him, "Oh Gods, Duncan is going to kill me." He put his head in his hands.