I sit absent-minded on a chair in a corner of the loft.
Maureen and Joanne sit on the sofa, talking to Mark. I can hear their voices, but I don't understand a word. It sounds as if they were miles away.
I'm shaking. I sit there, my arms resting on my upper-legs. I stare at the floor.
It's cold. Mimi was right………it's cold here………
"Roger?"
I keep staring at the floor.
"Roger!"
I stare up, looking Mark straight in the face. His blue eyes are red from crying. Mine are probably too, so I look away again. I hate him seeing me this way.
"Are you all right?", I hear him say.
First I don't answer. Then I feel anger boiling up in me.
"Sure! What do you think! I feel………." I pause, searching for words and can't come up with anything useful. "………GREAT!"
I feel my head redden. It's hot in here. I want to go. I have to get out! I need a cigarette!
"Roger!"
I feel Mark push me back onto the chair, as I try to stand up. His grip is tight.
"I'm sorry. It's just……… I don't know what to say………"
I glance at him. "Well then better shut up!"
"Roger I………"
"Shut up!", I shout. I don't mean to shout at him, but what he says hurts.
I feel a pain on my cheek.
Did Mark just slap me! He has never slapped me before! He'd never hurt anybody.
His eyes are wet from the tears that now slowly start running down his face.
I feel bad. Why do I feel bad? He slapped me.
I think he's shouting at me. I can't hear him. I don't care………
I see Maureen and Joanne appear on either side of Mark.
Maureen comes closer and strokes my back.
Joanne pulls Mark away. I hear her say, he should leave me alone and that there was no point in arguing with me, or even wanting to talk to me at all.
Again I have the desire to run outside. My throat is dry. I think I can't breathe. There's no air left in the room.
Just as I want to get up, the door to the loft opens.
Maureen lets go of me and makes a step towards the door.
Collins enters, his jacket in his left hand, quietly closing the door with the other one.
He doesn't say a word and we don't ask.
He puts the jacket down and looks around as if just realising that we are there.
"She's all right.", he finally says.
I breath in. My throat isn't as tight as it was before.
There's this positive feeling of relief in the air. But nobody looks happy.
"They said she's got to stay in hospital for a few weeks. -You can go see her tomorrow.", he adds, casting a quick look at me.
"Did she say anything!", I say, feeling excitement rise inside me.
Collins shakes his head.
"God………", I whisper, covering my face with my hands.
She's alive, she's okay……… I can't believe it………
I have to get out. Not because the air is bad and I can't breath anymore. Now I rather feel like it was never easier to breath. I want to be alone. No, I want to go see Mimi!
But I can't go. Collins said I can see her tomorrow. They won't let me into the hospital now.
I get up.
"'Ey! We're you going?", Collins says.
I knew he'd ask. He thinks I'm going to see her anyway.
"I'll get some cigarettes!", I say, leaving the loft before anybody can reply.