Shattered

Prologue

Despair…fear…grief.

They all visit tonight. My heart is frozen, my feelings gone numb. If I could only see the light.

My eyes open to find it and it rushes back to me.

"This summer…while you were in Paris."

"Look I told you I was with a girl…Kelly was the girl."

My heart shatters again. I physically feel it lurch and stop and then start again incomplete. Like part of it died. I think back to the park, I remember crying…physically saying stuff to them. The stuff I was meant to say…how can you do this to me? I thought you were my friends? I loved you…I trusted you. They talk back…there are words spoken…blah blah sorry…sorry…we didn't mean for this to happen…well FUCK YOU. They aren't sorry…they let this happen. They meant to hurt me. They knew what this was going to do to me. That's why they waited so long to tell me. How could I have been so stupid? Here my beloved boyfriend and my best friend were ganging up on me. I shouldn't expect more from Dylan after what he's done but I did…I do. We were in a relationship. We loved each other. At least at one time. They planned this…let's plan to go to Brenda's after school and tell her together. A unified front. But what about my old unified front? The one that knew all my secrets and I knew his? What about all those nights we held each other and talked about the future. The fighting to be together, the nights of making love and worshipping each other…that unified front. In one moment it was gone. Wasn't I owed at least that much? Him coming to me…Her? Why the gang up? My chest hurts. I hate them. I actually don't hate them that's why this hurts so much. I love them. He chose her. He chose her over me. He chose a girl he just got to know…over almost three years of love and history, like it was nothing…I'm nothing.

Anger…Rage…Loss.

They are now old friends of mine. My eyes are blinded, my thoughts locked. The edge to madness becomes a thin line.

Fucking Kelly. I should have known, she had been pulling for us from the beginning yet jealous I had him. Kelly is a selfish person. If she wants something she goes after it. I always felt insecure when it came to her. I felt inferior. I think she thought how could Dylan like a girl like me over her? Here she was this beautiful blonde, with nice long hair, a nice body, great clothes, the money to buy whatever she wanted. She grew up in this town. Rich and privileged. When I met Dylan…my whole life revolved around him. All the girls wanted him, nobody really knew him. Not the deep, intense, loving man I knew. I felt like one day he'd wake up and realize I was ordinary. Then the time we spent together, shifted my outlook. Maybe Dylan didn't think I was unremarkable after all. I mean he chose to date me, to share things with me, to be in a serious relationship with me. Kelly had tried to get a date with him back when we first started going out. He turned her down. He loved me. I thought he loved me. It seems I was wrong. He got a taste of perfection and I'm back to being unexceptional. I'm back to being that girl, the girl who just moved here, the one that didn't fit in, that wasn't pretty enough for Dylan. The one that wasn't his type. I mean Dylan and Kelly…the most beautiful and the most handsome. It's like a storybook cliche, the perfect script. How meant to be. I used to like being me. Now I'm not so sure.

Pain…Crazy…Sorrow.

Just won't leave me alone. My memories are clear, my future clouded. Destination yet unknown.

What will I do now? I thought we had a future. I thought he was the one. Now, who am I? I'm lost somewhere in this misery. I feel the strong part of myself, which is so minimal at the moment trying desperately to find me. Searching…calling out…I think she's giving up. I hear Brandon in the bathroom. He is going to want to talk to me. I close my eyes as I hear the bathroom door open quietly. Within the dark content of my room I shut myself down, the wall building high around me.

"Bren." he whispers, "Are you awake?"

I lay still, eyes closed. I ignore his concerned voice. I let the blackness envelope me, burying me in it's warm blanket of safeness. Away from reality, away from life. I drift away to sleep, not even hearing Brandon leave. Even in my dreams I realize, not only have I lost my best friend…the love of my life…I'm losing me too.

Doubt…Captivity…Desperation.

Have just arrived. My soul is lost, my love has choked. Don't know if it can be revived.

My eyes open, it's day now. I toss to my opposite side and sigh.. no not today, I can't face it yet. I want to call him but I know I can't. I want to beg him to stay with me. To remind him of what we once had. I want to tell him Kelly will never love him like I love him. I see his face at the park. He doesn't want me. He wants her. No I can't face them at school. My eyes close again, the darkness surrounds me, my chest tight and pained. I hear whispers outside my bedroom door.

"It's almost been a week Jim. I'm worried about her. All she does is sleep, she hasn't been to school, she isn't talking to us, she isn't talking to Brandon."

"We'll give her one more day Cindy. Brenda is strong, a fighter. She'll get through this."

Am I? I don't feel strong. I don't feel like fighting. I feel fragile. Broken. Defeated. Relief washes over me as I hear my parents retreat down the stairs. It means they won't make me get up, they won't make me go to that hell. I can't see them. I don't want to see them, the perfect couple. Happy, in love, kissing, free to show their love now that the secret is out. A sharp pain hits my chest again and I wince. Maybe I can do this? Maybe I can find someone else? Maybe…but he won't be Dylan. He'll never be him. I want Dylan.

Loneliness…Hate…Revenge.

Have no secrets for me. My hope crumbled, my spirit breaking. Darkness sees it's opportunity.

No dreams invade my sleep. Just darkness. It's calm here, quiet. So lonely. "Hello?" my subconscious calls out. Just echoed silence. My broken heart, still beating. It's hard to breathe. I'm damaged, broken, falling apart. I quickly wonder if this is what death feels like. The feeling of nothingness. Ragged breath…no life…no me…slipping away. I feel myself trying to fight the darkness this time but it's too late. It's all around me, suffocating. I'm losing me.

Sadness…Agony…Misery.

Came to stay. My courage grows dim, my strength is melting.

And just then…the light inside me, the one I have been desperately trying to save, the one I've been holding on too...fades away. Blackness is all that's left.

So super super dark. I have wanted to do this story for literally years. I feel like the show could have really delved into Brenda in season 3 and 4. Her depression. They didn't, they didn't care. Shannen was acting out so much they began punishing her character and her as an actress. Her storylines became secondary. Brenda had lost the love of her life. Her friends even, even her family…her twin accepting Dylan and Kelly like it wasn't a big deal. Us as the audience didn't really know what was in Brenda's head. We saw her crumble a couple times but this story will be from Brenda's point of view mostly. Her dark misery of that year of her life. Things will be the same as far as events within school and around her, and there will be some surprises in there too. Stuff we didn't see either. It's sad but I can't get into my other stories unless I get this out too. You will see outside points of view too, and Dylan. You might see some stuff they didn't do on the show in regards to Brenda. So bare with me, I don't think this story will be long but I need to try at it and I know you guys will give it to me straight. I'm working on my current stories just haven't been into it as much. Let's see if this will bring out some creativity. The next chapter will be posted soon. Brenda goes back to school and starts dealing with life as she now knows it.