DISCLAIMER: I, sadly, do not own the world of His Dark Materials (meaning Lyra, Will, Pan, Iorek, Iofur, Serafina, Jordan College, etc.)
A/N: This is my first attempt at an HDM fanfiction. Hope it turns out okay for y'all!
Lyra walked through the hallways of Jordan College. Pan curled up around her neck whimpering softly. Will was the only thing that Lyra could think of.
She wouldn't cry. No matter what, she wouldn't cry. Lyra pushed aside the heavy front doors of Jordan College and walked outside, the harsh winter wind biting at her rosy cheeks. The walkways had been cleared but snow was piled over everything else.
Lyra bit her cheek. She was not going to cry. Then, all of sudden, her emotions took over. She was true to her word: she didn't cry, but Lyra screamed. She shrieked into the snowy grey sky over Oxford. "Why?" was what she asked. Why did she have to be separated from Will? Why did she have to live in this world? Why couldn't they have left another window open? Why did everything have to be like this? Lyra asked. She screamed and shouted at the top of her lungs. Lyra kicked a rock across the courtyard with all of her might. She gathered snow into her hands and threw snowballs at anything that moved.
She wasn't sad, Lyra realized. She was angry. "Who are you angry with?" Pan whispered into her ear. She didn't know to answer. "I don't know!" Lyra shouted. "Everyone. No one. I don't know." she said more softly.
She didn't know. She thought she might have been mad at herself, for not staying in Will's world with him, even though it would cause her to die prematurely. She might have been mad at Dust, mad at the laws that caused Specters to be made when a window was opened. Lyra might have been mad at the Authority himself. She was mad at everyone. Mrs. Coulter, Lord Asriel. Roger, Chevalier Tialys, Stanislaus Grumman, John Faa. She sat down glumly on a bench, not knowing what to do.
But Lyra wasn't angry with Will. He was the better person of the two of them. He was the one who felt remorse at killing people. Will was the one that couldn't bring himself to lie and cheat and deceive. He was the one who convinced Lyra to stay in her own world. Lyra thought about it. She thought I'm the bad one. I lied all the time. I loved to lie; it was my passion. Years ago, I mistreated the clayburner's children with Roger. I was so self centered that I wanted to go stay in Will's world and force him to go through the suffering when I died.
Pantalaimon seemed to know what she was thinking. Of course he knew what Lyra was thinking: he was her soul. "Shh…Lyra, calm down. You're a good person, with a good soul, who does good things." Lyra closed her eyes and listened as Pan continued to speak.
"You helped Iorek to become king. You rescued all the children at Bolvangar-"
Lyra cut him off, "But I couldn't save Roger!"
Pan continued, "But you did save Roger, in the end. You saved all of the dead from their misery, you set them free. Lyra, you've done many good things and will do many more in the years to come. You helped Lady Salmakia and the Chevalier Tialys. You helped Mary Malone to discover her purpose in life."
Lyra shivered and sighed. It was cold outside, and she had on nothing more than a sweater and a light coat. "I don't know, Pan. If I had been doing things right, I would have thought of a way for Will and me to be together. It en't right, us being apart like this."
Lyra got up and began to pace. "It's just so hard, Pan. I can't just sit 'round here and be miserable, though, can I?" Lyra said, frowning. She bent down and grasped a smooth round stone, about the size of a baseball. After spitting out a long stream of cuss words, Lyra threw the rock at the stone walls of the college where she grew up. It barely made a scratch, and that made her angry. That she couldn't make a mark on this college, that she couldn't leave her mark on the world.
"Come on, dear. You'll freeze if you stay out here without some furs." Pantalaimon said gently.
Hope you didn't hate it! I'll have the next chapter up in a bit (I've already got it written, just need to edit.) Please review! And I am completely open to any and all constructive criticism/advice! Thanks!