Unfit

Rated: R (language)

Category: Angst, Daniel/Jack Friendship, Small Mention of J/S (UST).

Season: Four

Spoilers: Scorched Earth, Divide and Conquer.

Summary: Daniel Helps Jack Deal With The Aftermath Of The Enkarans

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His hand brushed mine accidentally as he filled his pack next to me in the locker room.

He nearly jumped out of his skin.

It was then that I realized he hadn't looked at me in over a week.

A week without his jokes.

A week without his sarcasm.

A week without his smile.

A week in which he'd defined brooding.

He turned violently away from me as I stared at him in shocked realization.

His pack was thrown brutally over one shoulder as he turned to leave.

Only the echoing silence of the empty room answered my call.

"Jack?"

XXX

I tried again in the gateroom. I noticed Jack's uneasy jitters and softly questioned him while Sam and Teal'c were looking elsewhere.

"Jack, you ok?"

His response came within a microsecond.

"Fine."

But I couldn't believe him. His voice was perfectly poised, but his answer had been too quick, and his eyes were miles away. His gaze was fixed on chevron seven and did not waver. His body matched his eyes in its stone cold lack of movement, and I might have thought he was carved of marble if not for the tiny muscles in his jaw that clenched and unclenched rhythmically as he stared at the gate, almost as if he could open a wormhole by force of will alone.

I tried to refrain, but as I watched him my hand acted of its own volition.

I touched him again, this time for longer than a brush.

As I laid my hand on his upper arm, I spoke again, even quieter this time.

"You sure?"

The only response was a tightening of the muscles underneath my hand. The biceps beneath my fingers nearly hummed with tautness for half a second before the gate finished its dialing sequence and the wormhole whooshed open.

Jack shook off my hand and spoke gruffly as the event horizon stabilized.

"Ok, kids, let's go."

His voice was jaunty and casual, perhaps even a bit sarcastic.

It seemed normal.

But something was very wrong.

XXX

Our mission was routine.

And for once, it stayed that way.

No surprise Jaffa encampments, no natural disasters, not even an innocent fall broke up the first day of our two day exploration and recon mission on the uninhabited world of P97-453.

The fact that there were minimal archeological aspects to this trip meant that I had plenty of time to observe Jack O'Neill in between helping Sam with various tasks.

He and Teal'c had quickly fallen into their usual roles of guardians while Sam and I did the meat and bones work of the tasks required. This was normal and expected. Jack seemed to be behaving normally, with one very notable exception.

Every time I tried to catch his eye, he studiously looked anywhere else.

When I called out for help with one sample collection, even though he was closer to me, he gruffly ordered Teal'c to assist me.

When I walked alongside him, he either sped up or slowed down to distance himself from me.

And it wasn't just me.

He seemed to be doing these things to everyone. It was least noticeable with Teal'c, but Jack was definitely avoiding all of us to some extent, and he was strung as tight as a bow.

He tapped his fingers on his gun at twice his usual speed.

His eyes darted back and forth in a jittery, disjointed way continuously, but he didn't look at any of us. That was the most noticeable thing of all. The other behaviors were subtle, and might have been explained by a simple bad mood, but his eyes… they were something else entirely.

I couldn't tell what was going on in their depths because he simply refused to look at any of us.

I soon became too involved in cataloguing samples for Sam to give the matter much more thought, though, and while it nagged at my subconscious, it was forgotten for the moment.

After all, Jack was Jack. Who could ever tell what was going on with him?

XXX

I don't know what woke me.

After a long day of exploring the area around the gate, Jack had ordered us to set up camp on a hill overlooking the clearing where the gate was located.

We would be continuing our recon tomorrow and exploring some cave systems nearby, then packing up and heading home.

I was tired, and another long day awaited me.

I don't usually have any problem sleeping on strange planets. The novelty of such things wore off long ago, and practicality takes over. I sleep when and where I can.

But something woke me tonight, and sleep was not fast in returning.

It seemed like I was awake a long time before I heard it again.

A zipping noise in the dark. A whisper of cloth. The silence that had surrounded me since my slumber fled was suddenly alive with sounds.

Someone was up, and a quick glance at my watch told me Teal'c was patrolling the perimeter right now. I would never have heard Teal'c, so my curiosity got the better of me.

One eye, peeking through my tent flap, showed me Jack. He was leaving camp, as quietly as possible. My brow wrinkled in concern. This was not safe behavior. The Jack O'Neill I know would never wander around at night, alone, on an alien world, especially not with his team sleeping behind him at camp.

I don't know why I did it, but something took hold of me and I had no choice.

I pulled on my jacket, slipped my bare feet into my boots, and followed him.

Somehow, he didn't detect me. Two or three times I think he heard me behind him, but after a moment's pause to listen, he continued.

I got lucky.

Jack didn't seem to have a particular destination in mind. He wandered for about fifteen minutes, then settled on a cliff overlooking a large valley. The view was gorgeous, and the night sky was filled with a thousand stars.

It was a nice place to spend an insomniac night. I have plenty of those myself, unfortunately. I know what kinds of demons can haunt a man's dreams, and while lately mine have been rather quiet, there are times when nothing can silence them.

Jack is experiencing one of those times. It's obvious, and it worries me.

I know Jack has his hard times, but I've never known him to do something like this. To leave Sam and I behind, to go off alone without telling anyone, to compromise himself and those under his command… I wouldn't have thought Jack capable of it.

But as I look at him in the moonlight, his shoulders sagging under a weight only he can feel, I know his behavior is driven by something that has overwhelmed my friend entirely.

I don't know how long I've been watching him when suddenly his voice shatters the very early morning silence. He speaks only one word, but it sends shivers all the way to my soul.

"Daniel."

I'm so shocked by his voice that it takes me a minute to respond.

"How did you know I was here?"

Jack turns and looks right at me. I know he can't see me through the bushes, but he knows where I am as surely as I know my name. I can't see his eyes, but his gaze pins me down regardless.

I step from the brush. His face is illuminated by the moonlight for one second, and he looks at me. Really looks at me. His eyes meet mine and hold them for what seems an eternity before he looks away, but I get nothing from them to clue me in on what's going on.

"Jack, what are you doing here?"

He shrugs. "What? A guy can't go out for an evening stroll?"

"Jack, it's the middle of the night, we're offworld, and I know something's going on with you. What's up?"

He shrugs again. "You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"Daniel, just go back to bed."

"No."

"Fine. Stay. I don't care."

"You called me, Jack. You started this."

"I was tired of pretending that I didn't know you were there. Now go back to bed."

"Not until you tell me what's going on."

"I don't have to tell you shit."

"True. But I'm not leaving until you do."

"Daniel, I mean it. Leave me alone. Go back to camp. That's an order."The words leave my mouth before I can think. "Since when have I followed orders?"

Jack actually nearly laughs at that, and I can see that I've almost made it through his defenses.

"Good point." His voice is bitter. Too bitter.

"Come on, Jack. The Jack O'Neill I know wouldn't leave his team alone offworld and go wandering off for no good reason. What's going on?"

"It's nothing."

"Whatever."

"I'm resigning, is all."

My heart drops to my feet and I can't form a coherent thought. Surely I heard Jack wrong. Surely I did not just hear my best friend and CO say that he's resigning. I might have expected this of Jack in the first few years of the Stargate program, but not now. He cares about his job as much as the rest of us. I can't believe I'm hearing this.

"WHAT?"

"I'm resigning. Leaving. Retiring. Moving on. Whatever you want to call it. I'm done."

"What? Why? You can't."

"I can do whatever I want, Daniel."

"Jack, no. Why? What happened? Why would you even think about that?"

My words sputter and die in my throat, and it's quiet. He doesn't answer for a long, long time.

When he does, his voice is barely a whisper.

"I nearly killed you last week."

It takes a minute for my brain to comprehend what Jack's saying.

Last week.

The Enkarans.

The terraforming ship.

I find my voice, finally, and it's as quiet as his. "But you didn't."

"I pushed the button."

"I'm here, Jack. I didn't die."

"But you should have. And it would've been my fault. I pushed the button."

"Jack, I didn't die."

"You don't understand, Daniel. I did it, but I didn't want to."

"Of course you didn't want to."

"No. I wouldn't have done it… if Teal'c hadn't been there… he knows what it's like. He reminded me. If he hadn't been there… I couldn't have done it."

"Jack, what are you talking about?"

I can feel frustration building inside me, and Jack must be feeling the same way because he stands and begins to pace. On his third time by me, he suddenly grabs the lapels of my jacket and his gaze meets mine again. He shakes me roughly and while his voice doesn't get any louder, the intensity of it nearly overwhelms me.

"Don't you get it!? I wouldn't have done it!"

"Jack, I don't understand. Why does that matter? It's a moot point anyway, seeing as the bomb never went off."

He lets me go and sinks to the ground with a sigh.

I stand, unmoving, not sure what to do for another long moment. Finally, he speaks again.

"I'm unfit for command."

"What?"

"I'm too close. I can't do it."

"Do what?"

"Make the hard choices."

"Jack, WHAT are you talking about?"

"Teal'c had to remind me. He's more fit than I am… I'm washed up. I can't do it anymore."

"Jack, I'm the one who disobeyed orders to go to the ship. I'm the one who made the choice to be there. You had nothing to do with it."

Jack's answer is ground out through clenched teeth. "Yeah, I know, but I'm the one who had to make the choice to kill you or let the Enkarans die. What was it Spock said? 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?' No matter how important your life might be to me, I had to save the Enkarans. My position demanded it!"

"Of course you had to save the Enkarans. There was no other choice to be made, Jack."

"But that's just it, Daniel! Don't you see? I wouldn't have made that choice! I couldn't do it! I was going to let those people die to save you!""You wouldn't have done that, Jack, and I never should've put you in the situation to have to make that choice.""Damn right you shouldn't have! But you did. And I couldn't do it. I stood there holding the remote and I couldn't do it. Teal'c had to remind me…"

Once again his voice trails off as he says these words, and I'm mystified as to what he means. We're silent a moment and my thoughts wander. Suddenly, they solidify in my brain.

"Teal'c told you I'd made my choice, didn't he?"

"Yeah. And that's when I knew I was done. I'd forgotten that it was your choice to make and that my choice should only involve the numbers, not personal feelings. That's what being in command is. Teal'c knows that. He's done it. Hell, he's done it for longer than I have. There's no place for emotions in command… and I can't do that anymore."

I barely hear his last words, and he says them as if he's ashamed of them.

And suddenly I'm angry. Fuck the military and its command bullshit, and fuck Jack O'Neill.

No place for emotions? Whatever. If Jack had been able to make the decision he had to make last week with no feelings involved, I wouldn't follow him into battle, and I wouldn't respect him as a human being. There's a time for going with your head and a time for going with your gut out here, and a man that's missing the second part isn't going to last long.

I'm angry at the military. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at Teal'c. And mostly, I'm angry at Jack. I lash out at him with no thought for my actions or words.

I reach down and jerk Jack upwards by the shoulder of his jacket. I'm not gentle, and as he lurches to his feet, he glares at me with venom, but says nothing.

"That's bullshit, Jack, and you know it."

My attack brings back a little of the Jack O'Neill I know so well. His contemplation and self-recrimination are gone. In their place are simple anger and outright aggression.

"You know what's bullshit, Daniel? You! You and your 'I have to save everybody' complex! You never should've been on that ship to begin with! What the hell were you thinking?"

He shoves me away from him and I stagger back a step before I shove him back.

I'm satisfied to see him stumble.

"I was thinking that I couldn't let one race die to save another, Jack!"

"The lizard people were already dead, Daniel!"

"No, they weren't! Not really! They had every right to that planet that the Enkarans did!"

"Bullshit!"

"No! We took the Enkarans there! They were immigrants, too, Jack! Besides, the bomb wouldn't have worked, so it's a good thing that I was on the ship! My idea worked, didn't it? That's what you're really pissed about, isn't it? The fact that your plan didn't work and mine did?!?"

I stop suddenly, out of steam, and he just stares at me. His eyes are wide with disbelief. It almost seems like he's considering that I might be right. That maybe he is a little miffed that my plan was better than his this time. It's like it never occurred to him, and he's baffled. But there's a little something behind his eyes that startles me. It takes me a minute to place it, but when I do, I know the real reason for all of this drama.

It's pride.

He's proud of me, proud of what I've become. I see a genuine affection there, too, and it only confirms my suspicions of what's wrong. I can't return it now, though. I'm way too mad.

I can't stop the words that come next, even though my brain knows they might be too much.

"Or maybe that's not it at all. Maybe you're pissed because you care. Big, bad Jack O'Neill cares too much. Command used to be easy for him. He used to make decisions without thought because he didn't care about anything but the mission. But it's different now. He cares about his team. He takes them into consideration now, and that makes his life more difficult…"

Jack interrupts me with a growl, and his eyes narrow. "Shut up, Daniel."

I shake my head and continue, well aware of the shaky ground beneath my feet, but these words have been a long time coming, and I can't stop. "It's torture for you to even admit you care about someone like me. To have it thrown in your face on a mission must have been brutal. So you're going to run away. You can't stand the fact that a little geek like me has gotten close to you, so you're just going to toss in the towel. Jack O'Neill doesn't need anybody, right? He's made of ice. Always cool under pressure, right? Can't let a little thing like friendship get in the way of the job, right, Jack?"

I don't even hear Jack's second warning, but I see his lips move and know he repeated my name. All I can hear is the rushing of my own blood in my ears as my anger continues to build.

"I mean, Jesus, Jack! What do you think it's going to…"

Pain explodes across my jaw, and I stumble.

I react instinctively and prepare to fight back, but Jack only comes a half step closer to me before he stops. His eyes grow wider than I have ever seen them, and his mouth moves in tiny approximations of speech but no sound emerges. His face is the definition of shock.

I retreat several steps, putting distance between me and Jack. I can't believe he hit me.

I must have been pretty close to the mark to get him that riled up, but still…

I retreat another few feet and as I'm trying to decide if I should stay or leave, Jack launches himself at me again. This time, I'm ready for him, but a blow never comes.

Before I can realize what's happening, Jack embraces me in a hug that crushes the breath from my chest. He starts to mumble, and it takes me a while to understand what he's saying.

"Daniel. Shit. I'm sorry. You ok? I didn't mean to. I just…"

"I know, Jack. It's ok." My anger fades and is replaced by near pity.

As I answer him, he pushes me back to arm's length. "No, Daniel. It's not ok. That's why I have to go. I'm compromised. I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?"

Jack lets go of me and starts to pace again. I watch him warily, but he seems to be calming down.

"This. Pretend."

"Pretend?"

"Yeah. Pretend. I can't pretend anymore that you…" Jack stops, and I wonder what the rest of his sentence was going to be for a second before he continues. "I can't pretend that you guys are just teammates."

"And that's bad why?"

"Because it puts you at risk! It puts me at risk! It endangers the entire team! I have to stay objective, and… and I'm not sure I can do that anymore." Jack steadfastly looks away from me and up at the unfamiliar stars as he speaks. I wait until he's done, then quietly call him.

"Jack."

"What?"

"I don't think it's a problem."

"What do you know?"

"Admittedly not much as you about military command. But I do know that this isn't a problem."

"It is, Daniel. Trust me."

"Jack, listen to me. We don't always agree, but I would follow you to the ends of the universe and beyond. So would Sam. And in case you haven't noticed, so would Teal'c. Trust him if you can't trust me. You said it yourself. He's been in command. He knows. Does he show the slightest doubt in you? Do you really think he would've betrayed all he ever knew and left his family to join us if he hadn't seen something in you that he believed in? Think, Jack!"

"That was a long time ago, Daniel."

"Yeah, well, so was Abydos."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"The Jack O'Neill I met on Abydos was a far cry from the one in front of me now. I like this one better. I've seen you without emotions before, remember, Jack? I didn't like what I saw. I understand why you were that way, but you're better now, Jack. Opening yourself up to your more human side has been good for you. It's made you a better leader, not a worse one."

"Daniel… I know what you're trying to do, and it won't work. My mind's made up."

"Dammit, Jack! Listen to me! We need you with us! We're a team! So what if Teal'c had to nudge you a bit in a decision? That's his job! We work together! All of us!"

"Daniel… it's not that simple. You guys deserve better."

"Jack, seriously… I don't think there is any better. You're not perfect, but no one is! You've had a rough few weeks! It'll get better. And for what it's worth, I'll try not to put you in that position again."

Jack laughs at my words and I feel anger starting to build in me again until he speaks.

"God, when did you get so arrogant, Daniel? It's not just you."

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Jack snaps his jaw shut and clenches it. I can tell he didn't mean to say that, and I could hit myself for my stupidity as realization crashes into me.

Sam.

That whole Za'tarc affair.

Shit.

Why didn't I see this sooner?

Shit.

That was only a few short weeks ago. Damn.

I wasn't there when Jack and Sam were retested, but Teal'c told me about it later.

And when you add that experience to our recent adventure with the Enkarans…

Shit. Did I say that yet?

As my brain tries to figure out what to say, Jack sits on the soft ground again. He looks out over the valley and sighs. After a moment, I sit next to him, careful to keep a small space between us. When it seems safe, I breach the only subject on my mind.

"Sam?"

Jack snorts. "Yeah."

"Figured as much."

"Yeah. Janet or Teal'c?"

"Teal'c told me, but it's not like he needed to."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, please, Jack. I'd have to be blind to not see there's a bit of a spark there."

"That obvious?"

"It was to me."

"Then you know why I have to go."

"Um… not really. Why exactly?"

"Because if you knew, so does everyone else, and that puts her at risk. And it's just not ok, Daniel. I won't risk her career over this."

"Oh, come on, Jack, give me some credit. I think I know the two of you better than the average Joe. If it was a problem, Hammond would've called you on it. It's not a problem."

"But it could be."

"Yeah, maybe. But somehow I doubt it."

"Why?"

"Because I know you. And I know Sam. What we do is too important to both of you for you to screw it up."

"I don't know about that, Daniel."

"Why?"

"I'm tired, Daniel. I'm just so tired."

"Of what?"

"Everything. It's never over. We squash one bad guy, another pops up. We save one people, another dies. I'm tired of it."

"That's understandable." I know where Jack's coming from on this one. I've felt this way on many a dark night, in my own bed and under the stars of alien worlds. It sometimes seems that no matter how hard we work, we take as many backward steps as forward ones.

Jack nods at my statement. "Thanks."

I nod back and we're both silent for a long time under the gorgeous night sky. A soft breeze blows up from the valley in front of us and brings a scent of some unknown flower to us.

It really is a beautiful night.

Moonlight glints off a faraway river, and a thought occurs to me.

"Maybe you just need to go fishing."Jack starts next to me. "What?"

"Fishing. Get away for a while."

Jack shrugs. "Yeah. Maybe."

Jack's voice drifts away again and again it's quiet. This time, he breaks the stillness.

He doesn't speak. He merely stands up. I hear the popping of his joints and a traitorous thought of Jack's age flashes through my mind, but it's quickly silenced. When Jack is on his feet, he speaks gruffly down at me.

"I'm heading back to camp. It's late, and we've got an early start. You coming?"

I look out over the valley for a few seconds before I answer.

"Nah, I'm going to stay here for a bit. I'll be fine. You head back."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'll be ok."

"Alright, have it your way." Jack turns and I hear his footsteps receding from the clearing.

As he leaves, I feel a crushing weight on my chest. Somehow, I know that if he goes now, he'll be gone from my life forever, and I'm simply not ready for that. I try to stop my lips from calling him back, but I fail. His name claws its way out of my throat like a live thing and hangs in the still night air for eternity.

"Jack."

The voice doesn't sound like mine. It's far too rough and lower than usual.

Jack freezes, but does not turn back.

I repeat my call.

"Jack."

He turns, but comes no closer and says nothing.

"Jack, please."

He's still, and this will be easier if I don't see him, so I just continue.

"Jack, don't do this. Please. For me. I could list a hundred reasons why SG-1 and the SGC can't lose you, but… dammit! Jack, I still need you. Remember how I was on Abydos? Remember when Apophis took Sha're? I asked you to help me in that dungeon, and you did, but it didn't stop there. I didn't know the first thing about your world, Jack. I could barely fire a gun, let alone lay down cover fire or set up an ambush. I can do that now, Jack, and it's all because of you. I've come a long, long way, but I'm not ready to be on my own yet, Jack. I still need your help. I… Jesus… I don't know if I can do it without you, Jack. I don't think I'd want to…"

As I speak, I don't notice that Jack creeps closer to me until his hand reaches out to gently fall on my shoulder. Jack turns me around and looks at me. His eyes shine with unshed tears, and I'm amazed at the expression. The tears are gone with a blink, and Jack speaks quietly.

"You'd be fine."

"No, Jack. I wouldn't be. And neither would Sam, or Teal'c. You can tell yourself that all you want to feel better about running away, but it's not true, and you know it. You're the best man for this job, and like it or not, you're going to have to get over this and…"

Jack interrupts me. "Daniel, you'd be fine."

And suddenly I lose it. I can't help it. I jump to my feet and yell in Jack's face. "NO! No, I wouldn't be fine, Jack! I don't want to break in a new Colonel, and I don't want to lose my friend! Dammit, Jack! You've had a bad week! It's not the end of the world! I'm still here! And you're the only family I've got, Jack! Don't take that away from me!"

I'm surprised by my outburst and its honesty, but my amazement is nothing compared to Jack's.

Jack just stands there and looks at me like a fish out of water for several very long seconds before he responds. When he does, his words are uncharacteristically soft.

"You mean the world to me, too, Daniel. I just…"

I step towards Jack then, and while his body posture retreats into itself a bit, he doesn't move away. My hand comes up to grab Jack's shoulder, and he doesn't flinch. My next move is so natural it feels like I've been doing it all my life. I pull Jack O'Neill into a hug and reciprocate a gesture he's done to me a few times.

My hand snakes to the back of his head and ruffles the short brownish hair there.

And then something entirely unexpected happens.

Jack lets go.

Jack's arms tighten around me and he draws a ragged breath. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was almost crying. His broken voice follows his action.

"God, Daniel. I'm so sorry. Everything's just so messed up. I don't know what I want. I just…"

"You had a bad week, Jack."

Jack nods against my neck. "Yeah, but…"

"You had a bad week, Jack."

Jack nods again and sniffs once, then steps away from me. I can't help but feel a chill as he leaves. His body becomes rigid again, and he doesn't look at me at first.

But after a moment, his eyes find mine. He doesn't speak, but I know he's embarrassed by his actions. That's the last thing I want, but I'm glad he can at least look at me.

I enter his space again and turn him bodily toward camp, throwing an arm over his shoulder as I do.

"Come on, Jack. It was just a bad week. Let's get our job done here and get back to Earth. Then drinks are on me. We can talk some more about this. What do you say?"

He mulls it over for a second, obviously not sure if talking sounds like torture or therapy, or both. Finally, he shrugs, then nods. "Ok."

I rejoice at the return of my friend. "Good enough, Jack. Let's go home."

We walk back to camp just in time to see the others starting to rise. I get the feeling neither Teal'c nor Sam is ignorant of what just transpired, but both stay wisely silent.

The sky lightens slowly as the sun begins to peek over the horizon.

It's another day.

Another day with Jack O'Neill.

And for now, that's enough.