"Eeeehhh?" said Kagura and Shinpachi surprised and rather loudly from somewhere. Gintoki wasn't really sure where because it was hard to see them when he was napping with his Shonen Jump magazine over his face on the sofa.
"Shut up!" Gintoki yelled from under his magazine. He had a banging headache and even he knew it was probably because he had drank too much the night before.
"Always making so much noise," he muttered to himself,"I really shouldn't pay you guys anymore."
"Gin-san!" Shinpachi yelled loudly,"Gin-san! The Shinsengumi is going to kill us if they find this!"
Gintoki shifted a little on the sofa, contemplating whether he should pay any attention to the two idiots, before deciding he was better off just ignoring the talking glasses.
"GIN-SAN!"
Gintoki let out a low grumbling sound. He rolled over onto his side and then suddenly rolled a lot further than onto his side because he suddenly found himself lying face first on the floor. Gintoki held a hand to his now bleeding nose as his got himself off the floor.
"Kagura," he said offering up his advice,"Did you know that it's rude to kick people who are resting? I think I told you this one time before. Ah, actually, I think I told you this more than 10 times."
Kagura was paying very a little attention, by this point,"Gin-chan! You never told me you had a real sword." Her big blue eyes stared at him in awe.
"I don't, you baka," said Gintoki as he sat back down on the sofa preparing to restart his nap. He wiped of his bloody hand on his toga and reminded himself to wash it later.
"Gin-san," Shinpachi said aspirated (as usual),"Honestly, please concentrate for just one moment."
Gintoki focused his otherwise dead fish eyes onto Shinpachi,"What is it?"
Shinpachi held up a sword in a brown scabbard, a simple pattern of four ring like shapes separated the bladed part of the sword from the hilt.
"Gin-san is this yours?"
The sword, Gintoki thought to himself, he had forgotten he still had it.
Looking at it rest loosely in Shinpachi's hands was so painfully familiar that he was scared for a moment that he was going to cry.
It was Shoyo Sensei who had offered him the sword; a peace offering to a small child who was sure the whole world was nothing but a giant battlefield. A place where only the strongest would survive, a world that was brutally cold and unforgiving. But yet it was the very same world that he had found Shoyo Sensei in. It was the same world where he had made stupid, annoying friends like Zura and Takasugi but liked them all the same. The same world where he had found a home and a family. But then just as suddenly as he had been given everything- everything was taken away.
Gintoki could almost swear at that very moment that he could hear the roar of the fire again, smell the choking smoke, that he could see the flickering flames- the same ones that had burnt down Shoyo Sensei's school and with it, Gintoki's whole world had collapsed into ash as well. And even in that moment he remembered Shoyo sensei's sword, how he had clutched it so tight as he cried over a broken mass of burnt wood that had been his home. How it was that night he had realised he was an orphan all over again.
Gintoki remembered how his childish cries had turned to loud roars as he fought to win back all he had lost. He remembered the first time he had used his sword in battle. How he hadn't hesitated to force the sword through his enemy's chest. He remembered the dark red blood that had dyed them both. Remembered the look in a man's eyes just before he died. How could he forget?
He still remembered searching through heaped piles of dead bodies, the sword still firmly by his side, looking for his friends in vain hope they might still be alive. He could still feel the stabs of guilt for knowing he had survived when so many others had died.
He remembered how it was then that he probably stopped speaking to Takasugi and Zura. Gintoki had watched the war slowly cut their ties, and three inseperable friends came to a point where they could hardly bare to look the other in the eye. All three had nerves worn thin and what little of their past selves was left after the war, they kept to themselves.
Gintoki remembered it all. He remembered that in the end it was the same sword that Shoyo Sensei had given him that Gintoki had used to kill him. Gintoki wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or cry. He had fought in the Joui war for how many years? And for what? In the end the person he had fought to save died because of him. What the hell had he even been fighting for?
"Oi, perm-head," Kagura said annoyed as she snapped her fingers in front of Gintoki's face for what felt like the hundredth time and yet all the same there was an underlying tone of uncertainty in her voice.
Gintoki fought his way back into reality, the sudden burst of memories, so many and so painful that they had left him completely disoriented and he was sure he was going to keel over onto the floor. Gintoki told himself to take in a deep breath but it came out all wrong and he found himself gasping for breath instead. Then choking because the air still smelled strangely like the metallic, coppery scent of blood. Now Gintoki was shaking and he wasn't really sure how to stop.
Gintoki's wild, red eyes were now bigger and more focused than they had ever been, each pupil no larger than the size of a pinprick. In his vision he saw Kagura and Shinpachi stare back at him- almost in fear. He shut his eyes tight, willing himself to just get a grip already.
Gintoki held his head in his hands.
"Fuck,"he swore shakily under his breath,"Fuck."
"Gin-san?"
Gintoki flinched at the very sound.
"Goddammit,"Gintoki said pressing his hands firmly on his forehand, the frustration was unbelievable. What was happening? Or rather, why was this happening now? When both Shinpachi and Kagura were right there.
"Are you okay?" Shinpachi asked, his voice laden with worry. Shinpachi looked quickly over at Kagura- she didn't understand what was happening. And Shinpachi didn't either but he could give a good guess as to what was happening. Shinpachi quickly hid the sword from Gintoki's line of sight.
"Kagura," he whispered softly,"Maybe you should go get Otose."
"No,"Gintoki cut in loudly, he was finding it hard to hear his own voice, drowned out by the sound of his heart beating in his ears.
"It's just a hangover," he said. He could feel the beads of sweat on his forehead slowly begin to trickle down the sides of his face.
"It'll go away, it's just a hangover,"Gintoki repeated and by this point he wasn't sure if he was trying to convince Kagura and Shinpachi or himself.
"Gin-san,"Shinpachi began but his voice trailed off. Gin-san had always been dysfunctional but not like this, this was different.
"Gin-san," Shinpachi began again, mustering up his courage,"Maybe- maybe we should get Katsura to com-"
Shinpachi was onto him and Gintoki knew it- that smart pair of glasses.
"Zura?" Kagura said excitedly,"I'll get Zura!"
"No,"Gintoki snapped looking up at her with an expression so intense that she stopped in her tracks. Gintoki cursed himself- he shouldn't have done that. But he was at his wit's end. Why wasn't it going away? Why wasn't this feeling going away? Gintoki attempted once more to calm his trembling breathing.
"Definitely not," Gintoki said shakily,"I told you it's just a hangover. I don't need a lecture from Zura about drinking too much."
Shinpachi didn't know whether to protest or not.
Gintoki took in a deep breath, and this time it came out in a much more controlled manner. Gintoki breathed a sigh of relief- it was going away. The heart-wrenching panic finally began to fade.
Gintoki quickly resumed his usual aloof expression, calmed his breathing and unclenched his fists.
"Are you okay, Gin-chan?" Kagura tried in place of Shinpachi.
Gintoki quickly returned to his present day self, he'd worried the two of them enough already.
"No," Gintoki complained in his usual, overly loud drawl,"because you woke me from my nap to look at some stupid sword."
"Seriously," Gintoki muttered, scratching his head as he yawned," I don't even know who's that is. Is our house some kind of magic trash disposal?"
Gintoki got his Jump magazine off the floor and positioned it back over his face while he lay down on the sofa again, feigning the act of a nap. Even though he knew there was no way he could go to sleep now.
He could still feel Kagura and Shinpachi's bewildered eyes staring at him but pretended he couldn't.
"Because of you two I have to restart my nap," Gintoki mumbled from underneath the pages of the Shonen Jump as he waved his hand in their general direction as if to swat them away like flies, as if he hadn't just had a breakdown, as if everything was completely fine.
"Today's non-combustible garbage day, right?" he said,"Just throw the stupid sword out."
If you made it this far then thank you for reading the whole thing :) this was my first ever story on FanFiction! (the memories)
Tell me what you think and about anything I should fix or edit. I really appreciate reviews and if you didn't like the fic, I don't mind honest opinions on what you think was wrong with it :)